"No, I didn't give you the gift of life. Life gave me the gift of you!"

It has been awhile lol. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas with the people you love! I certainly it. It's been a hard few months(and a hard few years but I've discussed that to the point that I'm beating a dead horse lol) but Christmas Day was great with the family! Lots of good food and good quality time with the family and I got to spoil the nephews, so I couldn't have asked for more!

On to the topic I want to discuss. When my  oldest nephew Zander was baby I wrote him a letter(you can find that letter on here) and I wanted to do the same for my youngest nephew Cannon but it was hard because everything I'd said to Zander was pretty much exactly what I wanted to say to Cannon. But the other night I was thinking about when I found out Cannon was on the way and I started to write. I didn't know if I'd share it or just put in their online journal I recently started keeping for them. Today I decided to share it just like I did Zander's.

My Dear Sweet Cannon,
This time of year will always remind me of you. I enjoy spending the holidays with you and watching you play and eat our big holiday meals. It really is the highlight of my holidays. But that's not the reason I think of you during this time of year.

2 years ago on Christmas Day my only surprise gift was you(and you weren't a total surprise to me but that's a story for another day hehe)! That is when I found out you were on the way. Your parents gave me a Christmas card with an ultrasound picture of just your little hands and instantly I was wrapped around those tiny little fingers. I can not believe that was 2 years ago and that you have been in this world for 20 months. It's absolutely flown by!

This time 2 years ago, you were our little secret. It was sooo hard to not tell people and yet it was so nice to keep you as my little secret. I didn't realize at the time how nice it was to just spend time secretly anticipating your arrival and what you'd be like. It was no nice for just a short time to  share you and the knowledge of your existence with just a few people. This little bit of a time where you were our little secret, was the calm before a very long storm and I cherish it in my heart so so much! But not nearly as much as I cherish you now!

When I look back on when I found out and the time I spent in anxious anticipation of your arrival, I remember feeling excited and yet worried.  I worried I wouldn't feel the same about you as I did Zander. I thought I would but the love I felt for him was so amazing and life altering and consuming, it was hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that I could love another human being just as much as I loved him.  But of course, the minute I laid eyes on you I did.
For me, you were my anchor grounding me to the knowledge that no matter how hard and dark things get, there is always always always good in the world. You came during a hard time for our family and for me.  But your birth reminded me that the most beautiful breath taking things come from the most crazy intense times in life.

I never thought about how ironic the fact that I call you Cannon ball was until the other night. You made an entrance much like a cannon ball. Your entrance was very fast, very intense, and very loud(figuratively although from what I heard later it was literally pretty loud as well haha!) But you my beautiful sweet, peaceful Cannon ball brought anything but the destruction of a real cannon ball.
You completed. You were and are a a piece of the puzzle of my life and my heart that I had no idea was missing. You brought joy and peace, just like what I feel at Christmas time.  Someone out there knew things were about to get bad and that I would need you. You were an answered prayer that I hadn't yet prayed for, at least not specifically.  You were and are everything I could've ever wanted in the little baby boy(who is not really a baby any more) who is my youngest nephew. I have no doubt you were chosen specially for our family and I'm so grateful you were.

Life is going to throw you lots of curves and as much as I wish I could keep you and your brother from ever feeling pain or having to deal with the darkness in the world, I know that's not at all realistic. But I hope you never ever forget that you have a family who adores you.

I hope you never doubt how much I adore you! People say you don't know real love until you have kids of your own but I disagree. I am not your parent. You didn't grow within my body. You don't have my eyes or nose or laugh. I will never be anything but just your auntie, but I could not love you anymore than I do sweet boy or my heart would physically explode. I thank God multiple times a day that I am your auntie because it is the greatest title I've ever held.  You are such an amazing kid and playing any part in your life, is a bigger blessing than I deserve!

Love you more than you'll ever know or understand,
Your Auntie

 Christmas 2015

 Christmas 2016

 Christmas 2017

 

The warm light of a Christmas tree(my random Christmas musings and why I like my tree up in November)

There is nothing that is more Christmas to me than a Christmas tree.

No two family's Christmas trees are exactly alike. They are a unique representation of that family, their story, and the love they share. But to me, every tree is beautiful.

For my tree I prefer colored lights, not white. We have ornaments on our tree that my parents have had since before I was born and others we just added this year and of course every year in between. Some of our ornaments are just pretty ornaments that we liked and others have much deeper meanings. We've always used tinsel. The tinsel we are using now is blue. I chose it and I chose the blue because well...I love blue. But I love that it's not the typical color you see on a tree. Most of the time if someone is going to use tinsel it is red or green or most often white. We bought a new tree last year. It's pre-lit with both little lights and bigger lights. The big lights are what I fell in love with on this tree. Little lights are great but the big lights stand out and when I look at them I feel warm. I also love that this tree is tall. At 7.5 feet it's the tallest tree we've ever had. We put candy canes on our tree. I know most people don't anymore but we still do. I love all the different flavors of candy canes.  This year we have regular peppermint, red hot flavor(I think that's what it was anyway), and the cherry with the blue, yellow, and red strips. We have an angel on top but we've had mostly stars in the past. I love our tree this year. I think it's a good combination of whimsical and nostalgic and magical and yet mature and beautiful.  Up until the last few years we'd always waited until the day after Thanksgiving to put up our Christmas decorations. But the last few years my Mom and I have been putting it up early. I just want to enjoy it for as long as I can.

My favorite thing to do when it comes to the tree is to turn the lights off at night and sit in the floor in it's glow and soak it in. There is just nothing in this world like the warm sweet glow of a room lit only by Christmas tree lights.

 I've done this a couple of times already this season. I feel such a range of emotions. It's like A Christmas Carol. I think of  Christmas's past, Christmas this year, and future Christmas's.

As a child Christmas was always a big deal in my house. I have so many wonderful memories of those Christmases! I remember going back to school after Thanksgiving break to all the Christmas decorations and doing Christmas plays and doing Christmas arts and crafts. All the anticipation of Christmas break. I remember the excitement of when we started singing Christmas hymns at church. I remember driving around looking at Christmas lights as it got closer to Christmas. They used to put up a huge display at the city lake here and we'd go through it over and over. They stopped for several years but this year they are doing it again and I feel like I'm 8 again anxiously awaiting the chance to go through it again! I still watch the same Christmas movies we watched back then, I've just added a few.  I remember going to my grandma's for Christmas and how excited I was to see her. She always made the best pies! I could go on and on but you get the picture.

As I got older and met my ex, I started going to his family's on Christmas Eve. He and I would take a night and go shopping for our families before then. Both of those things had become tradition for me. This will be the first time in 15 years I have no second family and no Christmas Eve plans and there won't be any Christmas shopping with him. There is part of me that feels a little relief. I can stay home and help mom finish up last minute things for our Christmas. But I can't lie there's a big part of me that feels sad. For 15 years these people were my family and in the blink of an eye they aren't. If any of you are reading this(which frankly is doubtful) I just want you to know I cherish those Christmas Eve memories. Thank you for including me and making me feel welcome. I may not cross your mind on Christmas Eve but I'll be thinking of you guys!

As I lay in front of the tree last night it occurred to me that this holiday season will be different than any other. This will be the first time as an adult that I will be single for the Holidays. My little circle is considerably smaller. It's time to find my own Christmas traditions. I have always loved the Holidays and this year will be no different. I can't wait to shop for my nephews and spoil them. That's the best part of Christmas for me now. It's been quite a year for me and there's been a lot of heartache, so I think I need Christmas more this year then ever and I plan to soak it all in as much as I can. I'm already enjoying our decorations and the movies and music! I think a little it of Christmas is just what my beat up bruised heart needs.

As I lay in front of my Christmas tree I also found myself thinking about future Christmas's. My nephews are getting older and it won't be long until they understand it all and they can really look forward to it and enjoy it, I can't wait for that. I hope to make my own traditions with them. I wonder will I ever see another Christmas that I get to spend with someone special? Will I ever have kids to enjoy Christmas with? The reality is I can't control those things right now, I can only soak in this Christmas and this Christmas alone. But it doesn't stop me from wondering what the future Holidays will look like.

We live in a world with so much ugly in it and I see it seeping into Christmas. Maybe it's just because I'm an adult but I see so many people losing the magic of Christmas. I see for so many that Christmas is just passing thought. They put up a few decorations a week before Christmas and take them down the day after and they never take a moment to sit and really enjoy it. I see people griping about people putting up Christmas stuff too early(both individuals and stores).  I see and hear more people all the time saying things like "I'm just not that into Christmas".  I wonder if they've really taken the time to make Christmas their own. I wonder if these people's problem is truly with Christmas and with it bleeding into Thanksgiving or is the problem within themselves and with how they allow things and themselves to get in the holiday season. I understand for some people for many reasons it's just not a happy time. But I think for some it's not a happy time because they don't really take the time to enjoy the little things or to really soak in the beauty of the season. I hear talk about "too much consumerism" and blah blah blah. In my home, that isn't how it is and I'd never let the way other people are about Christmas ruin it for me or mine. I guess it's just not something I can relate to and it just makes me sad to see other people feel so negatively about something that makes me feel so wonderful. I feel like I want it to last longer and longer and everyone else is trying to shove it into a couple of weeks and want it to be done and over with faster and faster every year. I guess I should be used to looking at things differently than everyone else 😂!

But as I sat in front of my Christmas tree last night I found myself thinking I hope I never lose the desire to put my Christmas stuff up on November 1st and to leave it up well past January 1st. I hope I never reach a point where I utter the words "I'm just not that into Christmas".  I hope I never reach a point where the magic of Christmas doesn't leave me feeling intoxicated and warm and peaceful. I hope I never reach a point where my desire for Christmas is quenched and I don't want anymore.  Because Christmas is about love and joy and peace, and is the last little bit of childhood magic you get to hold on to. Losing that would just be the such a sad thing for me. Those things make me feel alive and grateful and hopeful and they make me appreciate the people around me and all the good things in my life that much more.  People always say "Thanksgiving first" and if that's how they choose to celebrate that's fine. But for me without the love, peace, hope and magic of the entire season there is nothing to be thankful for. They don't feel separate to me and celebrating them separately feels wrong to me. The things I'm thankful for are the very same things I'm celebrating and enjoying at Christmas. For me it's all connected and I could just never separate them. It's a time of year that only comes around once a year and I truly hope I never lose the desire to extend it further and soak in it more.

In my book, it's never too early for Christmas. It's never too early to turn everything off and sit in the dark in front of a Christmas tree and enjoy the beauty of it. No, to me it's never too early or too late to soak in the warmth of a beautifully lit warm Christmas tree. It's always the absolute perfect time! It's not about when you put it up, it's the love you enjoy around it. It's the moments you spend really soaking it in. It's the memories you make. This life is far too short to put off making memories and enjoying simple things like the magic and beauty of Christmas!

So if you don't already do it, once your tree is up don't forget to switch off the light and sit quietly in it's glow.  I don't think you'll ever look at your tree or the magic of Christmas or the way it all makes you feel the same way if you do!

"What if I fall? Oh but my darling what if you fly?"

Once again I've stopped writing. I've opened up a new entry over and over and over and over and closed it without finishing it ever single time.There is so much on my mind but most of it I feel like wouldn't be at all interesting to anyone else. But also I feel like I've published enough negative blogs this year and I need to publish something positive and right now I am struggling to do that. 

Writing for me is a way to express myself and process things. I don't really have friends that I feel I can turn to and vent to and discuss things with. I have a couple of people I'm sure would be happy to listen and let me vent but I'd feel like a burden if I did.  So I write. But I am not a light switch. I can't just flip a switch in my brain and decide for the next 45 minutes or an hour or whatever I'm going to write a happy positive bubbly warm blog and if I try I feel I don't really write something that fulfills me or that I am proud to publish. But I get self conscious about how negative and ungrateful and sad and selfish and downright awful I sound.

In the past, I've tried to keep the negative stuff to my personal journal. But again I feel the most fulfilled and like my best writing happens when I am 100% authentic and real about how I'm feeling.  So what ends up happening is my most fulfilling best writing is in my personal journal and my blog gets something that doesn't feel true to me. It get something that feels like filler to me. It's not there because it's real or I want it to be there, it's there because I want to keep writing my blog but I'm worried about how what others will think of me. There are a couple of blogs that I've seriously thought about deleting because they feel so fake to me.  As you would imagine writing that way is not only completely unfulfilling but it's so much more work and so not fun and so so exhausting. So as I've done in the last couple of months...I just don't do it. 

I love to write. I've loved it for a very long time. Being an introvert and having social anxiety makes expressing myself verbally very hard. But when I write it just pours from my fingers with ease. In recent weeks, I've felt strongly this is my passion and this is what I want to do with my life. What will that look like? I have no idea.

I think I've always known that was where my passion lies. But I've always felt like that it was a nice idea but not something I could ever do. I start thinking about it and all I can think is "I'm not that good, my spelling is terrible, my grammar is terrible, my punctuation is terrible. That would be a complete disaster and I'd be a complete and total failure!" and yet it's what I always come back to.

I also find myself thinking that I've been sure of so many other career options before I walked away from them and this probably won't be any different.

The reality is though that is what I feel about everything that I'm interested in doing. I'm really struggling with negative thoughts about myself about my future about my worth about my abilities...about everything.

But on the other hand I know if I don't go down this road and at least try, I'll never know what could be. I just hope I have the strength and courage  to actually commit to this and do it. I just keep telling myself if I fail, at least it'll be time spent doing something I love.

I also tell myself I've fallen a lot in 30 years and I should be used it 😉!

My love for music and P!nk

I started to share this on a Facebook post of the 60 Minutes Australia interview with P!nk but I got 3 paragraphs in and realized it would be better as a blog lol. Not that anybody reads either one but hey I enjoy writing :).

So I've discussed my interests on here a lot. One I haven't gotten into as much is music. I've always loved music as long as I can remember. As a young child it was mostly Christian music. That was basically all that was played in my family. But as I got old enough to branch out and find my own likes and dislikes, I fell in love with Country music. The first two were probably Shania Twain and Garth Brooks. I can remember my friends and I belting out "Man I Feel Like a Woman" by Shania Twain and "Friends in Low Places" by Garth Brooks all the time lol. From about the time I was 9 or 10 on, my interest in music just blossomed. About that time 90s boys bands like Backstreet Boys, N'SYNC, 98 Degrees...ect were becoming very popular and I loved them. Michael Jackson was also a favorite then for me(then and now). There were lots of others but those are the ones that immediately come to mind.

At the end of Middle School/beginning of high school, the muscian that is my favorite, who I look up to, who inspires me the most, whose music I always relate to came on the screen. That was of course P!nk.

I hear other people talking about their favorite musicians and they say things like "I remember where I was and what I was doing when first heard their music and what song it was and it made me feel blah blah blah". Well I could make up some cute story about the first time I heard P!nk's music but it would be a complete lie lol.

I feel like she's always been there for some reason. I think initially I liked her and her music because she was everything I'm not. I know that sounds crazy but it's the truth.

I struggled a lot high school trying to find some place I belonged. I experienced it a little bit in middle school but high school I think was worse as far as that went.  I always felt like the odd man out. I always felt like the person who always stood out and yet also the one everyone forgot about(think Mia Thermopolis on Princess Diaries except not quite as nerdy lol) .

I was in band but not really a band nerd anymore. I was in theatre and loved it but I was not really your typical theatre kid either. I'd say I fit in the best in there but I wouldn't say it was a perfect fit. I think I just loved theatre and the people in there so much I just forced it to work for me LOL.  I was good in school but not super super smart. I wasn't popular or a prep. I wasn't an athlete. I sure wasn't cheerleader material lol. I wasn't into anything like FFA or FCCLA or any other club like that.

I was just me and at that time I didn't like it(okay I still don't always like it lol). But P!nk was someone I could look up to who didn't fit in anywhere either. But she didn't care. She was confident and amazing and completely herself even no one else understood who she was.

P!nk came on to music scene as an R&B singer but she didn't want to be boxed in. So her second album she took over and did most of the writing on her own(a lot of which she did with Linda Perry from 4 Non Blondes). She created a style of her own. People who like rock say she isn't rock. People who are into pop say she isn't pop. She's just P!nk.

Also when she came on the music scene she did so at the same time as Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. There was pressure on her to be more like them but she didn't cave. She stayed P!nk and she continued to write and sing her music and fly high. She has had a long amazing career as P!nk and while Brittney Spears and Christina Aguilera's careers are pretty much over but P!nk is as successful as ever. Her newest album is the number 1 selling album by a female so far in 2017 after stepping away for 5 years!

Her music always makes me feel good about just being me. It makes me feel good about everything. When I listen to interviews with her I always come away feeling super happy. She is just so real! She's had a rough past but she's used it as motivation. Her speech on the VMA's a couple of months ago was AMAZING and she didn't even realize it. We need more  P!nk's in the world in my opinion!
It doesn't really appear at this point that kids are in my future but if they are I hope they and my nephews love music and find a musician that makes them feel the way P!nk makes me feel! I think everyone needs that!

Here are some of my favorite P!nk songs and performances and her VMA speech! Oh and a picture about music and Libra's that I happen to save and like.

The roller coaster of healing

I've gone back and forth on whether I wanted to discuss how I am dealing with my break up on here anymore or not. My first thought was I doubt anybody would want to read it but that was quickly followed by "Well no one reads it in the first place" lol. It's part of my journey and I want to document it. I know I could do it on a private journal but reading what other people who have been through this had to say and watching videos and stuff, I realized how nice that is to have. So I'd like to write it, in case someone is going through something similar now or years from now and needs encouragement that it does get better(And hopefully I will be able to show them it does get better haha). So here we go lol.

It's been 2 months since my relationship ended. It's been a long 2 months.  It feels like it's gone fast and yet very slow. It's been quite a roller coaster. A roller coaster I have no desire to ride again lol. There is a reason I've avoided roller coaster my whole life hehe. If I ever get into another relationship(and I'd say right now that's a big big big IF LOL), it'd better be forever because I'm not sure I could go through this again.

15 years is a long time. I don't think I realized how long until I started to unwind myself from that relationship and him. I think me being so young when we started dating, makes it even longer somehow.

As I mentioned in my previous blog, I was almost 15 when we started dating. I thought I was so grown up and I laugh at that now. I was so far from grown up! There was so much I didn't know. There was so much I didn't understand.

I grew up with this person. Your high school years through your early 20s are probably the most formative years of your life and I went through all of that with him. I'm realizing I don't know who I am as an adult without him. I feel like an entire half of my heart and who I am, just doesn't exist anymore. I know I have to rebuild that and discover who I am by myself as as a grown woman, to move on. I know that's going to take time but I am not known for my patience lol. I want this part to be over!

People ask "What's next?" "What do you want in partner?" "What things are important to you?". I don't know what's next. I'm still trying to figure all of that out. I haven't thought about what I want in a partner since I was 14 years old. As you can imagine, what I wanted then doesn't really match up with who I am now as a woman. But what do I want and what is important to me now? I couldn't even begin to tell you. Right now, I don't want a partner.  What's important to me right now, is me.

I feel like I'm starting back at like 14/15 years old. I feel like I've been on this journey that I was super invested in for 15 years and now someone has picked me up and put me back at the starting point in front of a completely different path. I know this journey will be worth it but it's scary as hell. Some days it's all just too much and I want to throw myself in the floor and have a fit like my nephews because I just don't want to do it lol. But I'm an adult and I know that's not going to fix anything and I know I don't have any choice at this point. There is no going back, that's done. I have to move forward. So I grab some chocolate, watch a movie, and have myself a good cry and then I get up and start moving forward again.

I also never realized how dependent I was on him. For 15 years, outside of my family he was the only constant person in my life. People filtered in and out but he was the only one there the whole last 15 years. For most of that time, I talked to him about everything. I don't open up to people easily or quickly but I could talk to him about anything. For most of that 15 years, we had an amazing emotional connection. He saw parts of my heart no one else has. I needed that.  We still talk but it'll never be the same. I think that's what I miss most, having someone to talk to. I've always been a loner. I've always had times where I felt really alone. But I feel more alone than ever these days. I like to put up a tough front and say I don't need people but I do and I don't know how to tell them I do. I always feel like if I try to start a conversation with someone, I'll be a burden. It's also very scary to think of trying to open up to someone again. Not to speak of the fact that I have some of the worst social skills God ever gave a person lol. The other day I thought "I should send this person a message" and that was quickly followed by "How do I start a conversation?" which was quickly followed by "How do I not bore them to tears?" So I nixed the idea. I guess those are things I'll have to work on through this process as well.

I've seen many people disappear from my life in the last 2 months. It hasn't surprised me to be honest. I always felt like people always loved him more and just sort of tolerated me. He was the outgoing one and I was the introverted shy forgettable one.  I knew from the moment we decided to break up that this would be end of whatever relationship I had with many people. But I don't think you can ever prepare for what it's going to be like for people to suddenly pretend they don't know you.  But I can't complain. I worried some of the ones who stayed would also go and they didn't. I've been really blessed to tell you the truth. I've got a few good people who have stuck by me and I know they will continue to. I'm really grateful for them.

This was way more sad and negative than I meant for it to be lol. There is a lot of good in this. I feel like all of this has opened up so many doors and windows for me. I feel like it's given me back hopes and dreams I thought were gone for good. It's shown me who I can really count on and shown me it was exactly who I thought it was. It's shown me I'm stronger than I thought I was.

So what have I learned in the last 2 months? Break ups suck...no easy way to put it. It's hard and it's lonely. Break ups after you've been together for so long, are completely and totally life changing. Break ups after you've been together for a long time since you were really young, are even that much harder... at least for me. Unwinding yourself from someone you've been with for so long is tedious, painful, and scary.  I'm a big messy work in progress right now and that's okay. If I do have a relationship in the future, I have to make healthier decisions. I have to do a better job of speaking up for myself and being true to myself. But mostly I've learned, it's not the end of the world and I'm going to be just fine. Life does go on.

Here are some pictures I've found inspirational this week!

World Mental Health Day(A day late lol)

I've opened up a blank page to write this entry at least 5 times in the last 24 to 48 hours and each time I closed it. I've just struggled to know exactly what I want to say and what I'm comfortable with sharing.

 Yesterday(October 10th) was World Mental Health Day. I've discussed my issues with mental illness before but it's still hard for me to talk about.

It's hard for me to put it into words. I know what it feels like to me. I know how it affects me. I know how it shapes pretty much every part of my life. I see how it affects the people around me, both their personal struggles with it and their struggles in watching me deal with it. I know what it's taken from me. But putting all of that into words that do this journey justice feels kind of impossible. I want to find words that help others who don't deal with this stuff understand exactly what it's like and what it feels like but those words just simply don't exist. Words will always fall short.

It's also hard for me to discuss this because it's a very personal thing and I'm not good with being vulnerable. That's why in the past I've skirted over it, especially the depression. The anxiety is hard, whether it be general or social. But the depression for me, is so much harder for some reason. Lots of people will admit to dealing with anxiety but fewer want to admit to having depression. I think it's a word that scares people. They think if you have issues with depression you automatically suicidal and they look at you different and they treat you different. It's just not as easy to discuss in my opinion. (If you want to read more about my issues with anxiety, there is another blog about that from awhile ago called Social Anxiety, feel free to check it out.)

Overall, I have a good life. I have a great family. I have the two most adorable amazing nephews in the world. I have a few good friends. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food on my table. There are so many people who deal with so much worse, who've been through so much more, and have it so much harder. Yet I'm the one who has days where getting out of bed feels like trying to swim up from the ocean floor with no oxygen. So I find myself feeling guilty and feeling bad for even bringing up my issues.

Guilt is part of depression, at least for me. Depression tells me a lot of things I know aren't true.  It tells me I'm wrong to feel what I feel.  It tells me I'm not trying and I'm lazy. It tells me I'll never amount to anything. It tells me I'll always be broken and there is no hope. It tells me I'm weak. It tells me there is no point. There is no point in doing anything. There is no point in feeling anything. There is no point in trying to have relationships with people because I'm a burden and I make people uncomfortable and they don't need me or want me around. It tells me everyone is going to leave me.   Sometimes it also tells me they'd be better off without me. All of that leads back to guilt.

I know one the main struggles I hear and read that people say about depression and anxiety and really any mental illness, is they feel alone. I certainly feel that way a lot. I feel like no one else could possibly understand what I'm going through or feeling or how scared I am or sad I feel or how lonely I am. I started talking about my mental illness issues more...I don't know a year or two ago. I was really surprised how many people came forward and let me know they deal with it too. People I'd known for ages and would've never guessed they deal with the same issues I do. People who seem to have it all together. The reality is mental illness doesn't care who you are or how great you life is. It doesn't care about the color of your skin or you education level or your job or your religion. It can effect anyone at any time.

 It makes me feel better to have these people come to me and tell me they are struggling with same issues I am and yet it makes me feel really really awful. It's nice to know that no matter what depression and anxiety are telling me, I'm not alone. But at the same time it guts me to think of these people ,who I adore and who deserve all the best the world has to offer,  fighting this battle too. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, let alone any of these people who have stepped forward and told me of their struggles. I wish I could take this battle from them. I wish nobody had to fight this.

But that's why we need World Mental Health Day. People need to be reminded often that they aren't alone, that they are loved, that they are wanted, that they are an important part of someone's life.
But also because there is still very much a stigma to having a mental illness. No one should ever be judged for something they didn't choose and can't control and yet it happens all the time. It wasn't maybe a week ago that someone in a Facebook group(a group with nothing to do with mental illness)  I am in made a post about her depression and two replies in someone telling her she could cure her depression with diet and exercise if she really wanted to. I've also heard religious people say that if your faith is strong you won't have anxiety or depression. If you'd pray harder, he'd fix it. If you'd use this oil or drink this shake or read this book or follow this plan or get out do more things...ect, it would fix your mental illness. People are suffering alone and committing suicide because they are afraid of reaching out and being judged or treated differently and that just breaks my heart.

I know people who say those things are for the most part trying to help but those comments aren't helpful. If there was a simple cure for mental illnesses, there wouldn't be so many of us still dealing with them. If someone is telling you about their mental illness, I can almost guarantee they aren't looking for you to fix it. I get it,I'm one of those that wants to find a solution to make things better for people. But those comments do nothing but cause more damage. Don't get me wrong, I think there are things you can do to help mental illnesses(especially depression and anxiety) but they aren't a cure all end all for everyone. If I had a penny for every time someone told me exercise would make my depression and anxiety better, I'd be a rich woman. Unfortunately exercise doesn't produce that natural high for me that everyone else talks about. It does nothing for my anxiety or depression. The bottom line is, that isn't what people are looking for when they confide in you most of the time . They are are looking for comfort. They are just looking for someone to be there.

So instead, tell them you love them. Tell them you are there for them. Tell them if they want to talk you are there to listen. Tell them they are important to you. Tell them you need them and want them in your life. Tell them you aren't going anywhere. Tell them they are amazing and strong. Tell them they aren't a burden. Don't stop telling them all of that stuff! People like to hear that stuff, even if they don't seem to believe you. It can make a huge difference.

If you are struggling with mental illness, please know you aren't alone! There are lots of us out there. Don't be afraid to reach out for help or reach out to someone just to talk. You are amazing and strong! Just keep  moving or in the words of Dory from Finding Nemo "Just keep swimming,swimming, swimming!".

For my friends and family, if you need to talk I'm always here. You know where to find me! You are all amazing and strong! You are important to me and I need you and want you in my life. You aren't a burden. I'm not going anywhere and I'll never ever give up on you!

I love to listen to people talk

This is going to be another blog, that I don't know exactly where it's going. That seems to be the case with most of my blogs lol. Some people plan out everything they are going to write before they write it...that's not my style. Which is kind of funny because when I try to talk to someone I try to plan for everything I could need or want to say. But writing for me is a chance to just spill my guts. But on to what is on mind.

I've always been the quiet one. I'm an introvert. I'm shy. I have social anxiety. I've talked about all of those things in the past, so I won't get into that.

Most people are surprised to find out, I actually had lots of friends as  child. I had one super close friend and others that filtered in and out at different times. But no matter who was or even now is, in my circle I'm always the quietest one. It's not that I'm the quietest or shyest girl in the world, it's that I have always been drawn to people who are extroverts with big personalities(also we live in a world with far more extroverted outgoing people than introverted shy people lol).  I'd say of all the friends I've ever had, 98% or more of them are extroverts. I think I need that balance in my life. The thought of trying to be friends with someone like me, doesn't really appeal to me. I create enough awkward silence on my own lol.

I also think it surprises most people that while talking isn't really my thing, I love to listen to people talk. I like to talk to people online or through text but I truly love to listen to people talk in person. I like to watch how people's emotions change as they talk. I like to hear their laugh when they tell a funny story. I love to hear about people's lives, their dreams, their worries. I love to listen to parents talk about their kids(or grandparents talk about their grandkids) and see the love in their eyes. Even if they are talking about a problem they are having with their child, the love always shines through. There is just nothing better though than to listen to someone talk about something they are excited and passionate about and seeing their eyes light up. I can't explain it, I just enjoy that. I think that's why I like to watch Youtube vlogs lol. Listening to someone talk, helps me to feel more comfortable with them and eventually I'll start giving my opinions or adding my own stories.

But I've found as an adult, friendships have disappeared and/or have become really superficial.  I don't get a lot of opportunities to sit with most of the people I care about and just listen to them talk and talk with them. I miss it. I don't think I realized until just very recently after getting a chance to do just that, just how much I do miss that.

As a child, I found children were more willing to talk and be patient with you and give you time to get comfortable. Adults aren't.

Maybe it's because most adults have such busy schedules and so much going on, but they don't seem to like to give people time to warm up and have little patience with them. Also if I do feel comfortable with someone, I tend to word vomit and overwhelm them and make them uncomfortable. There is no in between for me.  So people end up just sticking with small talk around me. While I love to listen to people, I strongly dislike small talk....especially when it's done in a way that feels like an obligation.

So I find myself wondering what's wrong with me and wishing I was someone that I'm not. I've always wanted to be that extrovert with the big bubbly personality that everyone wants to be around. I tried a lot as teenager to be that. That's what everyone is looking for(even me without realizing it) and it always seemed so much easier than being the introvert that people didn't understand and didn't want to take the time to get to know.

But I also know the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I know from talking to friends who are extroverted and have big bubbly personalities because they are happy and bubbly most of the time that people just expect them to be all the time and nobody is happy and bubbly all the time. I'm sure it's frustrating to feel pressure to always be the happy bubbly one. I try really hard to not put those expectations on people because it's neither fair or realistic. As a whole, this worlds needs to do a better job pushing people to embrace who they are and feel what they feel. No one likes to be told who they are or what they feel in a certain moment is wrong. It hurts. So I say be your 100% authentic self and feel the way you feel and tell anyone who tells you otherwise to screw off lol.

Look Melinda chased another rabbit lol. Back to the point of the blog now!

So I guess what I'm saying is, if you haven't taken the time to really sit down with someone and put all of your energy into listening to them, try it sometime. You'll probably learn something and might even enjoy yourself. Also when it comes to those of us who are quieter and who take longer to warm up, be patient and don't be afraid to talk to us. I can't speak for everyone who is quieter and slow to warm up but I love to hear people talk about themselves and their lives and their hopes and dreams and their worries and I'll jump in when I'm ready and comfortable. You never know who you'll miss out on getting to know if you just blow off us quiet people lol.

I don't really know that this blog makes any sense at all or is even interesting but there it is lol. Here are a couple of pictures that go along with this blog that I like!

I'm alright

 I'll go ahead and warn you this blog, is going to be long and I'm probably going to ramble lol. We'll see where it goes.

It's funny what will spark a moment of understanding for me. I could make this story short but then I wouldn't be me lol.  I'll also say there's a chance I'll be discussing things I've already written about at least once before...but there may be things I've written about 14 times in here as well. I'm not going back to read old blogs to find out though :).

We moved last Fall to the house we are in now. This house is considerably smaller than our old house and there is like zero storage space. I loved my old bedroom. It was nice sized. I had picked the colors of the walls(blue of course) and painted it. I had a nice size closet with lots of shelves(my closet now is a hole in the wall with a pole hung across it, zero shelves. No idea who would think that would be a good idea for a closet but it bites lol). There was room to move around with ease. It was probably not a room anybody else would want or want in there house but I LOVED it. It was the hardest thing to leave in my old house for me(I actually brought the full length mirror off the closet door with me, I just had to have something of old room lol). There are things I do like better about my new room than my old room but not many to be honest. But I've made it mine and I enjoy being in it.

 But like the house, my room is way smaller than my old room. It is wall to wall to wall furniture and I have a trail to walk around. I was moving something a bit ago and hit the chord on my lamp on my nightstand which fell off and hit something else that fell over and hit something else knocking it over on top of a stack of my many notebooks causing the notebooks to slide down leaving a pile of notebooks strung across my floor. I couldn't help but laugh. That's how you know your room is small and/or you have too much stuff lol. I rarely had that problem in my old room because there was plenty of room for all my crap. I threw away and threw away and threw away when we were packing to move and I still have every corner of this room full to capacity lol. Maybe if I had better organizational skills...or maybe I should say if I had organizational skills at all it'd be better. But as it is, it's kind of chaos in here lol.

 Anyway on to my point and off of that rabbit. When that sequence of events happened,  I instantly thought "That kinda sums up my life the last 2.5 years." We've all seen the videos where they line up the dominoes in a line and push one and they all fall or my personal favorite the match videos where they put together cool designs with the matches and light one match and they all slowly light. The latter might be a better way to sum up the last 2.5 years of my life.  One thing happens and it causes something else to happen and it affects something else which affects something else which affects something else until everything is on fire.

It wasn't that long ago that, that thought would have made me really sad and would've made me start feeling sorry for myself. But tonight  immediately the quote "Hope rises like a phoenix from ashes of shattered dreams" popped in my head. As I thought about it I realized while those dominoes were falling and dreams were burning and I felt like I'd never be okay again, something else was going on that I couldn't see yet. New doors were opening. New dreams were forming. New roads were opening up. Dreams I'd put away were mine to dream again.

A lot of things I watched fall and burn are things that I was clinging to. Change scares me. I think change scares most people. So I held on as tight as I could to those things I knew needed to be changed. Sometimes the good Lord has to allow what you won't allow to happen, to happen. I look back and I realize for me to put 100% of myself into the next thing thrown my way the last thing had to go and so on and so on. In other words, those dreams and parts of my life that were burning weren't things that were going to benefit me in the long run. They were things that were in my way and slowing me down. I truly believe in the long run, I'll find it was all for my benefit.

Last week Shania Twain put out a new album for the first time in 15 years. I was so excited that they went ahead and put all the songs on Youtube! I love them all but I fell especially in love with her song called "I'm alright".  It's funny, I've noticed recently when someone ask me how I am I've started saying "I'm alright" without thinking. I always used to just say "I'm good" no matter what and I don't know when that changed but for some reason it's a change that I found interesting. So the title of the song immediately jumped out at me. It's a powerful song! Things are hard right now. Some days are harder than others. But I have no doubt I'll get through this stronger, more determined and happier. I'm alright right now, working towards great :).

Side note, someone asked me the other day how I was and I said "I'm alright" and they looked at me for a second and said "Are you sure?" skeptically. Those are the kind of people you need in your life, they see through what you are saying and the front you put up!

So if you are going through a hard time, keep your head up. You aren't alone and you will be okay again. Be gentle and kind with yourself. Don't be afraid to reach out to friends or family if you need to. Most importantly just keep on keeping on!

Here is Shania Twain's song I was talking about, if you want to listen:

My birthday blog

Well it's my 30th birthday...in some ways I feel way older but mostly it's mind boggling to me that I am already 30 lol.

I feel grateful. I know many people never see 30 and I have. That's an enormous blessing. While I've had my share of heartache and pain in these 30 years, I've also been blessed with so many wonderful times, memories, and most importantly people. As I look back at the last 30 years there are far more memories that make me smile, than make me feel anything else.

I feel excited. I can't wait to see what the 30 years of my life look like. I can't wait to see what kind of beautiful memories I make and how many more beautiful people I get to meet and love on and enjoy. While I'm an introvert and I like my alone time and I like to keep my circle small, I sure do enjoy loving on and enjoying those people I do let in and I can't wait to see who I'm destined to cross paths with.

But I can't lie there is some sadness for me. I always had hopes and dreams about what life would like at 30 and if I'm brutality honest...this isn't it. I felt really sad coming up this birthday but in the last couple of weeks my feelings have slowly changed.  I'm not where I want to be and my life isn't exactly what I wish it was. But I've realized there is never going to be a time where everything is perfect and I'm completely 100% happy with the way things are...and that's okay as long as I'm working to change things.

I am proud. I think in the last 3 or 4 years I've really found who I am and what I believe and feel and I feel I've done a better job in the last 3 or 4 years living as the person I truly am, than I ever have before. I think of who I was at 20 as opposed to who I am at 30 and it's crazy how different I am. I love the woman I am becoming. The last year has been unbelievably hard and full of incredibly hard decisions that I never thought I'd have to make. But I'm proud I've had the strength to make them and to make them in a way that is 100% true to the woman I am. I truly feel I've found my own voice and I desperately needed to do that.

So what are the next 30 years going to hold for me? Who knows lol. I sure don't. But I plan to do everything I can, to make them the best 30 years of my life. I think I'll keep my hopes smaller than I did as a child for when I turned 30 lol. I hope to do a better job taking life one day at a time and finding good in each day. I hope to enjoy more time with the people I love.  I hope to do a better job taking in those small moments and the big moments too with the people I love and really enjoying them. I hope to make more time to smell the roses and do things I enjoy doing. I hope to spend more time looking at the stars and moon. I hope to take more pictures. I hope to laugh more. I hope to make people happy more and make them laugh more. I hope to tell them how much I love them more. I hope to learn to be okay with not being everyone's cup of tea and understanding not everyone has my heart and will treat the way I treat them. I hope to do something with my life that makes a difference in someone elses life. I hope to get to taste love again and find someone to enjoy life with. I hope to have my own babies to love on and watch grow and raise. I hope to make lots more beautiful memories. I hope to learn to be kinder to myself. I hope to learn to be okay with putting myself first sometimes because I deserve my own energy, attention, and time as much as anybody else. I hope to see the world. I hope to be more grateful for every breathe, ever birthday, ever holiday, every memory, and every person the good Lord chooses to give me because that's what makes this life beautiful!




Here is some music that is inspiring me today on my birthday!

 

 

Happy 30th birthday to me! I hope everyone has had a wonderful weekend!

Eyes and random ramblings lol

I've always been interested in eyes. I know how funny that must sound but it's true. I feel like I can look into someones eyes and see straight through to their souls. People's mouths lie both with word and action but their eyes can't lie. But there is more to it than that. I can't explain what I see when I look into someone's eyes. It always amazes me! People are so complicated and unique and beautiful! That's I suppose what you can say I see.

I feel like I can't trust someone completely if I can't look in their eyes and yet looking into someone eyes and trying to talk to someone in person is so hard for me. I feel like a contradiction.

All of this thought led me to my mirror, looking at my own eyes trying to see what I could. They were blue. Not a bright blue like some but blue none the less. I've always loved the deep blue color of my eyes, I always thought it was a good representation of my soul. Deep, blue, and kind of cold. But I had to look past the color to see what I'd come to find. To me my eyes looked tired. I saw sadness. I saw a sense of being lost. I saw fear. I saw a general dislike of myself. I saw weakness.  I saw all things I didn't want to see.

But then I found myself wondering do my eyes really look like that? Is that really the person other people see? Maybe my internal struggles cloud what I see in my own my eyes.

That made me wonder how other people saw my eyes and me. Would it be what I saw? Would I want to hear what they had to say? Would it perhaps be better than what I see? Would they see nothing at all? Would they even care to look?

I think we all look at things through colored lenses. Some lenses make things look better than they are and others make things look worse. Our lens for ourselves almost always show us nothing but the negative(or at least mine does). I am without a doubt my own worst enemy and as I stood in front of that mirror I felt the weight of my own judgements on my shoulders. I suddenly felt like I was dragging a couple hundred pounds of weight through the Sahara dessert. It broke my heart and it broke my heart to wonder how many other people around me, also feel this way.

All of the outside voices telling you how great you are can only do so much to improve your view of yourself. I believe you have to work hard to change the internal voices in your head and that is an ongoing hard battle for me. It's not something someone else can do for you.

But I believe that doesn't mean we should stop telling people how great they are. It doesn't mean we shouldn't take the time to look into dive into someone elses eyes and feel their pain and acknowledge that pain and work to lift them up. Because while none of that can repair everything a person is telling themselves(or what other people have told them or are telling them), it's still good to hear and it might just mean the world to someone. Our goal should always always always be to lift people up and not tear them down.

 Life is short and you only get so many opportunities to tell a person how you feel about them and what you see when you look at them. You only get so many opportunities to enjoy a connection with someone. You only get so many opportunities to enjoy a moment with any one person.

So if you love someone tell them. If you think they are amazing or strong or if they've touched your life/blessed you or if they inspired you, tell them. Don't tell them this stuff just once, tell them over and over. It might not fix all their problems, it might not change the world, but it could be enough to keep them going.  If you get the chance to spend time with someone you don't see often, do it. You never know when the chance you passed up on, might be the last.

But most importantly don't forget to love on yourself, to be kind to yourself, tell yourself your amazing and strong. The goal is to look into your own eyes and see a strong amazing human being that you love and are as kind to as you are anyone else.

Let's see if I can follow my own advice because it's devastating to look in the mirror and see none of that stuff. I'm not okay right now...and that's okay. I could blame it on a thousand different things but the reality is in the last few years I've allowed myself to become someone I'm not. I've beaten myself down more than anyone else possibly could. I know my own weaknesses better than anyone and I've used them against myself.

One day I'll be okay again. But right now I have a lot to learn and a lot of room to grow. The first step in that is being more kind to myself and seeing myself as a human being who is flawed, imperfect complicated but also amazing, unique, and worthy of love even when I feel I'm not.

Music teacher? Midwife? Doula? What am I going to do with my life and what are my dreams??

Well I decided to experiment with some of the settings on here and decided I like the letters bold and blue, so there ya go lol. 

Anyway on to what I was going to write about. I've been thinking  a lot the last few days about what I want this new chapter to look like  and about my dreams, hopes, wants, and all of that. So I thought I'd discuss some of that on here. 

I feel like the first thing I need to do is figure out exactly what I want to do with my life and how I'm going to make that happen. When I first went to college my major was education. I was thinking I wanted to be a Kindergarten teacher. But as time went on I just wasn't sure. I took an unplanned unwanted break from school and during that time I decided to change my major to Psychology for some weird reason lol. So the Associates degree I'm just a few hours shy of completing is in Psychology. But I have zero desire to do that. I thought until maybe 6 or 8 months ago I had no desire to go back to teaching either. But about 6 or 8 months ago someone mentioned getting my education degree and doing something in the arts. The arts were always my thing(and I mean that I enjoyed them, not that I was necessarily that good at them lol). In elementary school, I was always excited to perform in the plays(even though I despised my music teacher lol) and I did tons of musicals at church. The last 3 years I had major parts in the musicals at church. I really loved it. When I was in 5th grade you got to choose between continuing in music or switching to band(they don't do that in 5th grade here any more and I really think kids are missing out because of that but that's another story for another day lol). I switched to band and again really loved it. When I was in 6th grade you not only got to choose between band and choir but also theatre arts and art. I chose theatre. I knew nothing about it but quickly fell in love and I took it from then until I left public school half way through my junior year. So I've thought about finishing my teaching degree and being an elementary music teacher. I've also kind of thrown around the idea of going a step further and teaching theatre at the middle school level. However I'm not sure if I have enough experience to do that. But I've certainly thought about it and still am.  All I know is music and threatre(and a theatre teacher and a couple of band directors) very much helped shape who I am today and I'd love to be able to give that experience to a child.  My middle school years were very hard for me and band and theatre and the bonds I made in those classes, were the things that got me through and kept me sane. I have a huge heart for kids who are bullied and I'd love to be able to give them an outlet like I had. I guess the main reason I stray away from this dream is because I worry I wouldn't be a good teacher because of my personality(introverted shy soft spoken), especially in a subject like music or theatre where you normally only see outgoing bubbly teachers(and especially at a higher level then elementary school). But it's certainly something that I have thought about a lot and keeps coming back to me. So we'll see what happens.

However I also have another area that I've very interested in and that's pregnancy, labor, and post postpartum  care. I've had a dream for a long time about being a midwife. Recently though I also started looking at being a doula. I'm very nurturing and that really appeals to me. The issue with both of those things is the classes for them are very expensive and there is no financial aid, so I don't know how likely that is. Also I'd have to be able to attend so many births for both and in this area that might be an issue.  But it does interest me. I just think it's such a beautiful thing and I'd love to be able to help women as they are going through that process.

So that's what I'm thinking about right now as far as careers(although lets be real with me that could change in 30 minutes lol). But now I want to talk about other dreams and hopes and wants I have. 

One of the biggest dreams I have is to travel. I'm not talking once a year, get a hotel or rent cabin or house or something for a week travel. I'm talking buy an RV and spend a year or two just exploring this country and the countries around it. I want to see places and experience different states. I want to see places like Yellowstone, Yosemite, Mt. St. Helens(and Mt. Rainer), the Grand Canyon, the ocean, Maine in the Fall, South Dakota, places in Canada. I also would love to travel in other countries. I'd love to see Japan and enjoy their culture(although I hate fish and most of things they eat...so that might be a problem lol) and see Mt. Fuji and the cherry blossoms blooms. I want to see China and the great wall. I want to see Egypt and the Pyramids. You get the picture lol. Something about being a nomad and just doing me for awhile really really appeals to me. 

I also dream of one day writing a book. I love to write(hence why I have a couple blogs and so many other journals lol). I'd love to be able to have a book published. This kind of goes back to careers but I've also thrown around the idea of writing for newspapers or some other kind of journalism(only print though). I never really thought that would appeal to me but now at almost 30 it does.  

My biggest dream though is to be a mother. As long as I can remember I've wanted children.  I know your thinking hold on Melinda, don't you want to get married first and the answer is if the right person comes along, sure. But I would be completely okay with being a single mother if that doesn't happen. To be really honest, there is a big part of me right now that isn't sure I ever want to do the relationship thing again lol. I know that sounds nutty and I'm sure as time goes on, that'll change. But right now it's just not on my radar. I'm not looking for anyone and it's going to be a very very long time before I'm ready for that. But I'm going to be 30 in 6 weeks. At one point, I wanted to be done having kids by 30 or at least 35 lol(yeah I know that's insane now but I was like 14 at the time, give me a break :) ). But more than that I have reason to believe me having a baby myself is not going to be easy and it's only going to get harder the older I get...and that scares me. I want to foster and adopt one day. I've always wanted to do that as well. But I can't lie I want to experience being pregnant and doing all of that at least once. So yes if I could get settled and working and doing well financially and the right person hasn't come along, I would be willing and happy to look into doing IUI or if IVF to have a baby on my own. But unfortunately that's way way way in the future lol. 

That's the best part of opening a new chapter I think, everything is wide open. I feel really free. I feel like the world is mine to explore. I feel like it's time to do me and find me and get me together.  I'm excited and hopeful. We'll see how long it takes for the world and reality to beat that out of me LOL. 

New chapters

I've always felt like someone in the universe likes to mess things up every year right before my birthday and this year seems to be following the trend. I look at the calendar an it says we are 6.5 weeks from my 30th birthday and 4 days ago my relationship of 15 years ended on top of the mountain of other crap I've been dealing with for what seems like forever now.  I've spent more time in the last 2 years looking up at the sky saying "You have got to be fricking kidding right now!" than I ever have in my life lol. It's just been unreal the amount of crap that has gone wrong and the number of tears I've cried. There shouldn't be any tears left in my body.

I'm not going to discuss the break up that much. I'm just going to say it was a mutual decision and ended on good terms. I'm just going to discuss my feelings and speak for what I've been thinking and feeling the last 4 days.

 I'd be lying if I said it didn't send me on even more rough roller coaster ride than I was already on. My upcoming birthday was already weighing on me and I'd been struggling to not be completely dreading it. I look around and see people way younger than me who have it all together and here I am at 30 still drowning in life and trying to figure out where I'm going and what I want. When I thought about 30 as a kid, it seemed like a really big age and deal. I still feel that way a little bit I think lol. I keep trying to remind myself it's just another age but I don't think my heart believes me :) . 

As far as the breakup, I expected to feel sad and I expected to feel many other emotions and I have. I can't even say everything I've felt has been bad. But what has taken me by surprise was this sense of failure. I mean we started dating a couple of months before I turned 15 and we made it this long. It's kind of amazing in that sense.  It sucks to pour yourself into something for that long and it not work out.  It probably doesn't help that I am both stubborn and a hopeless romantic lol. I probably fought for this relationship longer than most people would've. I tend to do that with all my relationships(romantic or not). I might also be a bit of a perfectionist(and everyone who knows me well is laughing right now because they know that might be the understatement of the century). It just feels like one more thing in my life that failed. One more thing that I failed at...it's just not a nice feeling.

But I also can't lie and say there isn't some excitement ,for lack of a better word, to turn this page and start a new chapter. I feel like I've changed and grown an incredible amount in the last 5 years or so. I feel like I've been more true to my true self than ever before. I've always been the kind that would follow along for awhile but eventually get tired of it and just do what feels best to me. The last five years have been a time of me finally being open and honest about how I truly feel about things. I feel like it's cost me a lot in terms of people. But I've gained so much more than I've lost. But I feel like there are parts of me that I've still been hiding. There are parts of me I've yet to discover and I'm ready to really spend some time on me. I've never been a single women. I grew up intertwined with someone else. I feel like in some ways it limited my ability to see me and to understand me and to know me. I'm ready to spend some serious time finding out who I am and exactly what I want and getting a plan to get there and most importantly putting that plan into motion. So hopefully by 40 I'll have this life thing and this adult thing figured out...but I'm not holding my breath LOL.

I will say that although my inner circle is small, I am incredibly blessed! I know I have all the love and support anyone could ask for while getting through this stage in life.

I love music and it's always a great comfort to me so I thought I'd share a few of the songs I've been listening to a lot.

I'm including the song by P!nk because I love the song and so excited she coming out with new music!

I guess I'll write more about my experience with new chapters as time goes on but that's all I can think of right now lol.

My quotes

Well we have been without internet again...9 days so far(finally got it back on, on day 9). It's been harder this time, which took me by surprise to be honest. It gives me too much time to think. Some of the thinking is good and some of it isn't lol.

It also gave me time to work on decorating my room more and by that I mean more quotes and more pictures of my nephews :).
I started putting up quotes on my walls long before we moved here. But it was just a few. My walls look like a patchwork quilt of quotes now LOL. Which probably tells you how my life has been gone lately :). It started off as positive quotes and now it's become quotes that mean something to me. A lot of these quotes I think most people would probably not want on their wall or understand why someone would want them on their wall. I guess that's me for ya lol. They are in sections for specific reasons. There in a specific order for a specific reason. It's kind of become an obsession lol. When I look at them it makes me feel good. When I look at them it feels like a small portion of my brain come to life.

I think one quote sums it all up though
"Life is amazing. And then it's awful. And then it's amazing. And in between the amazing and the awful it's ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That's just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful ordinary life. And it's breath takingly beautiful!"

That quote is in big hot pink letters right square in the middle of the quotes that are most important to me. It represents everything all the quotes mean to me. We want life to be nice and neat and easy. But that's not reality and it's not what's best for us. If we all got to sit and be happy and healthy and loved and our hearts whole and unbroken, we'd be awfully lazy, ignorant, and many other not nice things. The things that leave us awake at 4AM are the things that shape up and teach us. Heartbreak makes us more sympathetic. When people break our hearts it makes more grateful for the people in our lives we love and more grateful for the fact that things are good between us at that moment. But sometimes the people you love most and who love you most, are the ones that hurt you the worst and from that you learn forgiveness.

Most people who put quotes around them put just quotes people see as positive. But the quotes on my walls are a combination of both. There are positive quotes such as the one above but there are other quotes. They are quotes that represent hard things for me and lessons learned and lessons I'm still working on learning. The represent things I love and things that make me, me. They represent me and my life and my journey. They remind me how blessed I am and they remind me that no matter how bad things are to never ever forget that.

 They are good therapy. They are good therapy to write and hang up. They are good therapy to have where I can see them and read them whenever I want. They are good therapy to give me the feeling of having control over something when I feel like everything else is out of control. I get to decide what goes up there, what color it's written in, if it's in cursive or not, where it goes on the wall.  I'm the kind of person who wants to fix things and sometimes things can't be fixed with simple actions. Sometimes they take time. But this gives me something to do in the mean time. I see my quotes as like the marks on a wall people use to show how much their kids grow from year to year. I started off printing off quotes but that's not cheap when you're on a budget. So I started writing them on simple computer paper with permanent marker and I realized it was far more therapeutic if I wrote it. When I first started writing them I'd write them and rewrite them over and over trying to make them perfect. If I messed up I started over. But I realized that marking out the mess up and continuing on made me feel better for some reason.  Different quotes jump out at at different times and sometimes it's for completely different reasons than why I put them up there. Some quotes I can't even remember why I put them up there in the first place. I know it looks like an unorganized, ugly, chaotic mess to some people but it's mine and it means so much to me.

So if you have an empty wall and don't know what to put on it, make it your own. Put up pictures and quotes and things that make you feel good and make you feel blessed and make you think of good and bad times. But don't forget to include things that represent hard times and lessons learned because those are just as if not more important.  You won't regret it :).

Church...why I'm taking a break...maybe permanently

I think I can say with quite a bit of certainty that this blog will not be a fun one. It won't be fun for me to write and it won't be fun for people to read I'm afraid. I've tried to write this blog 3 times before and never finished it. It felt wrong for so long. It felt wrong to put this out there where others could read it, especially others who know the church involved and even more the people involved. It felt wrong to put my emotions out there where others could read them. But 3 different instances have brought this to my mind lately and I realized the wound from this is still huge and raw. I realized it's my story and my feelings and my broken heart and I have every right to write about it. I've spent so much time pushing it away and hoping it would just get better and go away on it's own. But it's only grown larger and more raw. So I thought maybe writing about it publicly would help me to start dealing with it. So let's see if I actually finish it and post it this time lol.

Church has been apart of my life as long as I can remember. We attended the same church from the time I was probably 2 or so until I was in a freshman in high school. At that point I was over the youth group at the church we were attending and my parents were having other issues. So I left first and went to my boyfriends church. My parents and sister left and went to another church shortly after.

Up until about 3 or 3.5 years ago I loved it. I loved the people. I loved the style. It was great. I started working in the nursery about a year after I started going there and LOVED it. Sunday school was great. Youth group was great. But where I really felt I belonged was in the nursery. From the moment I started in there, it felt like my place. After I graduated high school I was given an even bigger role and I flourished there.

The oldest two kids I first kept in there have graduated high school and the little sister of one of them is in high school! It boggles my mind it's been that long ago. Those 3 will always be special to me, especially the youngest one. I started keeping her when she was like 10 months old and I kept keeping her until she was 5. I remember one time especially fondly. She was going through a stage of separation anxiety. They dropped her off with me and not long after they left she started to cry. I picked her up and walked all over that room with her singing to her until she fell asleep in my arms. I sat down in a chair and just watched her sleep for an hour. Her sister loved for me to give her piggy back rides. I gave her so many piggy back rides I should've turned into a piggy lol. I give her a piggy back ride around the room so she could get toys or books and then we'd go to the table and play or read for awhile and then I'd give her a piggy back ride to put them up and get something new. I kept one little boy many times who loved Thomas the Train and he'd always go right to the Thomas the Train book we had and start playing with it and he wouldn't stop until it was time to go. I kept another baby boy who had separation anxiety and I spent every Sunday walking around with him, singing to him or bouncing him or shushing him until he'd fall asleep in my arms. One of my last memories was keeping a brand new baby I'd been excitedly waiting to keep. I only kept her once. I sat in the rocker with the light off and fed her her bottle and then she fell asleep on my chest. I had no way of knowing how close the end was and I'm glad I didn't. I still remember the prayer the kids would say when they ate their snacks and I can still hear their little voices in my head saying it. So many wonderful memories.

Over the years many amazing babies and children came into the nursery. Some for just a service or two and others for years. It was so rewarding no matter how long they stayed. But it wasn't just the kids, I got to know many wonderful adults as well. I formed relationships I thought I'd get to keep for a very very long time.

I knew some day I wouldn't keep the nursery any more. I mean that's how life goes. I always imagined it would be on my terms. I think most people think things like this will end on their terms and not someone elses. I always imagined it would be a celebratory thing with lots of thank yous and what not. I imagined it would be a sweet time. I never ever could have guessed how very wrong the image in my head was.

It happened slowly. So slowly, I didn't realize it was happening. Little by little I was being pushed out. It wasn't until without warning, without discussion, without reason the Sunday morning service was taken from me and they started having volunteers do it that I realized what was going on. I had noticed the attitudes of the other two women in the nursery towards me had changed but I didn't realize how much it had changed. That hurt. It hurt that it happened and it hurt to not even be told. I found out through the grapevine. People around me assured that it wasn't that big of deal and I could still volunteer and keep the nursery. So I pushed down my feelings, put on a smile, and put my name on the list a few times. But it wasn't the same. I no longer felt welcome there. I no longer felt there was a place for me in there. So when the sign up sheet went around the next time, I didn't sign up. As a matter of fact, I never signed up again. I was still in the nursery for Sunday school when needed and that would have to be enough. It wasn't enough and I could feel it slipping from my fingers.  I think I knew that it was only a matter of time until that was gone too.

On August 30th,2015 my heart was completely crushed. There hadn't really been anyone in the nursery  in Sunday school in years at that point. So I had been going into the adult class. I some how ended up being the one who did the box. On that day I opened the roll to find someone had been moved in to the class...me. Just like Sunday morning worship, I wasn't told, there was no explanation, and there was no warning. There sure weren't any thank yous and it was far from on my terms. There were no goodbyes. No closure. Nothing. It was just over and I was just left to pick up the pieces of my crushed heart. I've wondered many times how long it would've been before I figured it out if I hadn't been the one who did the roll. Because they sure weren't going to come and tell me.

I spent the whole morning on the verge of tears and when I got home in the safety of my room the tears just wouldn't stop. I kept being told it wasn't a big deal.  Some people were okay with me talking about it for awhile but eventually I could sense they were over it. But I wasn't. It sent me into a tailspin of depression that I still haven't climbed out of. I mean other things have furthered it but that was where it started.

I pushed it all down. I put it on the back burner. As I said I hoped as time went it'd get better better on it's own.

But what a shock it hasn't. Sitting there watching people take babies to the nursery would reopen that wound every time. Seeing new babies come in that I would never get the chance to bond  with and love on and enjoy just broke my heart over and over and over. Seeing the people who I had once been close to walk past me without ever acknowledging what they'd done planted a seed of anger inside of me and left me feeling really alone. At around the time we hit a year since I'd been removed from the nursery I started to notice that being at church gave me awful anxiety. I spent many mornings in the bathroom trying to stop hyperventilating so I could get the feeling back in my hands and feet. I didn't understand it.

I was playing with the idea of taking break several months ago and had even written a whole Facebook post saying I was taking one but then didn't post it. But then it was done for me. There was a situation that made it where I didn't have a ride to church for multiple weeks and I realized within a few weeks I didn't miss it and I didn't want to go back. So when it came time for me to go back, I didn't and months later I still haven't. I don't know if I will ever go back to my old church or any church for that matter.

It wasn't until I mentioned the anxiety to someone and they asked if something traumatic had happened there that I put the pieces together. I was anxious there because I no longer felt like I belonged and because I was broken and trying to ignore it. I was anxious there because it was a place where very big painful wounds were reopened over and over and over and outside of not going back I can't see how to stop that.

One thing I will say I've learned though this is to never down play another person's pain. It may seem small to you but to them it could be soul crushing and life changing. This wasn't small for me. The nursery was so much more than a position at church for me. It was part of who I was. I spent 10+ plus years pouring my heart and soul into it. It was my passion. It kept me going during rough times.

Losing that was devastating but it was made so much worse by nobody having the guts to come to me and tell me what was going on. Years before this they did away with the paid nursery worker job I had on Sunday and Wednesday nights because no one was coming any more. It sucked but they were open and honest and told me what was going on and what going to happen. I felt sad but I also felt valued because they took the time to discuss it with me. I was sad for a bit but life moved on and it wasn't a big deal. But when this went down I felt like I didn't matter to them. I was disposable. My time, my energy, my passion, and the heart I poured into it didn't mean anything at the end of the day. I felt like in their eyes I wasn't worth the time and energy it would've taken for them to discuss it me. I'd made their lives easier for 10 years and they were done with me. They didn't care about me or my feelings and they didn't respect me. I wasn't valuable to them then and in reality... I never was.

I know these kind of things aren't supposed to be done for human approval. What I didn't know, was that meant they could stomp all over my heart and I was supposed to take it with a smile. I didn't need them to throw me a party. I didn't need them make a big to do over it. I just needed them respect me and the time I'd spent in that nursery enough to be honest with me. I feel like 10+ years of pouring everything I could into it should've earned me at least that.

It made me wonder what I'd done or what was wrong with me that I deserved to be treated like that. I spent days and weeks and months and now years going over everything in my head trying to make sense of it. I've realized it's pointless to try to figure it out. It just drives me crazy. I'll never understand. It'll never be okay. It'll never not hurt. It'll never not be a big soul crushing moment for me.

At the end of the day, even with as much hurt as this mess has caused me I wouldn't change a thing. I'd still would've jumped at the chance to be there in the nursery. I still would've poured myself into it and given all I had into it because the memories I made are amazing and no one can take those away. But that doesn't mean I can go back to the place where it all happened and pretend I'm okay with what happened. I'm not and honestly I don't know if I ever will be.