"What if I fall? Oh but my darling what if you fly?"

Once again I've stopped writing. I've opened up a new entry over and over and over and over and closed it without finishing it ever single time.There is so much on my mind but most of it I feel like wouldn't be at all interesting to anyone else. But also I feel like I've published enough negative blogs this year and I need to publish something positive and right now I am struggling to do that. 

Writing for me is a way to express myself and process things. I don't really have friends that I feel I can turn to and vent to and discuss things with. I have a couple of people I'm sure would be happy to listen and let me vent but I'd feel like a burden if I did.  So I write. But I am not a light switch. I can't just flip a switch in my brain and decide for the next 45 minutes or an hour or whatever I'm going to write a happy positive bubbly warm blog and if I try I feel I don't really write something that fulfills me or that I am proud to publish. But I get self conscious about how negative and ungrateful and sad and selfish and downright awful I sound.

In the past, I've tried to keep the negative stuff to my personal journal. But again I feel the most fulfilled and like my best writing happens when I am 100% authentic and real about how I'm feeling.  So what ends up happening is my most fulfilling best writing is in my personal journal and my blog gets something that doesn't feel true to me. It get something that feels like filler to me. It's not there because it's real or I want it to be there, it's there because I want to keep writing my blog but I'm worried about how what others will think of me. There are a couple of blogs that I've seriously thought about deleting because they feel so fake to me.  As you would imagine writing that way is not only completely unfulfilling but it's so much more work and so not fun and so so exhausting. So as I've done in the last couple of months...I just don't do it. 

I love to write. I've loved it for a very long time. Being an introvert and having social anxiety makes expressing myself verbally very hard. But when I write it just pours from my fingers with ease. In recent weeks, I've felt strongly this is my passion and this is what I want to do with my life. What will that look like? I have no idea.

I think I've always known that was where my passion lies. But I've always felt like that it was a nice idea but not something I could ever do. I start thinking about it and all I can think is "I'm not that good, my spelling is terrible, my grammar is terrible, my punctuation is terrible. That would be a complete disaster and I'd be a complete and total failure!" and yet it's what I always come back to.

I also find myself thinking that I've been sure of so many other career options before I walked away from them and this probably won't be any different.

The reality is though that is what I feel about everything that I'm interested in doing. I'm really struggling with negative thoughts about myself about my future about my worth about my abilities...about everything.

But on the other hand I know if I don't go down this road and at least try, I'll never know what could be. I just hope I have the strength and courage  to actually commit to this and do it. I just keep telling myself if I fail, at least it'll be time spent doing something I love.

I also tell myself I've fallen a lot in 30 years and I should be used it 😉!