It's funny what will spark a moment of understanding for me. I could make this story short but then I wouldn't be me lol. I'll also say there's a chance I'll be discussing things I've already written about at least once before...but there may be things I've written about 14 times in here as well. I'm not going back to read old blogs to find out though :).
We moved last Fall to the house we are in now. This house is considerably smaller than our old house and there is like zero storage space. I loved my old bedroom. It was nice sized. I had picked the colors of the walls(blue of course) and painted it. I had a nice size closet with lots of shelves(my closet now is a hole in the wall with a pole hung across it, zero shelves. No idea who would think that would be a good idea for a closet but it bites lol). There was room to move around with ease. It was probably not a room anybody else would want or want in there house but I LOVED it. It was the hardest thing to leave in my old house for me(I actually brought the full length mirror off the closet door with me, I just had to have something of old room lol). There are things I do like better about my new room than my old room but not many to be honest. But I've made it mine and I enjoy being in it.
But like the house, my room is way smaller than my old room. It is wall to wall to wall furniture and I have a trail to walk around. I was moving something a bit ago and hit the chord on my lamp on my nightstand which fell off and hit something else that fell over and hit something else knocking it over on top of a stack of my many notebooks causing the notebooks to slide down leaving a pile of notebooks strung across my floor. I couldn't help but laugh. That's how you know your room is small and/or you have too much stuff lol. I rarely had that problem in my old room because there was plenty of room for all my crap. I threw away and threw away and threw away when we were packing to move and I still have every corner of this room full to capacity lol. Maybe if I had better organizational skills...or maybe I should say if I had organizational skills at all it'd be better. But as it is, it's kind of chaos in here lol.
Anyway on to my point and off of that rabbit. When that sequence of events happened, I instantly thought "That kinda sums up my life the last 2.5 years." We've all seen the videos where they line up the dominoes in a line and push one and they all fall or my personal favorite the match videos where they put together cool designs with the matches and light one match and they all slowly light. The latter might be a better way to sum up the last 2.5 years of my life. One thing happens and it causes something else to happen and it affects something else which affects something else which affects something else until everything is on fire.
It wasn't that long ago that, that thought would have made me really sad and would've made me start feeling sorry for myself. But tonight immediately the quote "Hope rises like a phoenix from ashes of shattered dreams" popped in my head. As I thought about it I realized while those dominoes were falling and dreams were burning and I felt like I'd never be okay again, something else was going on that I couldn't see yet. New doors were opening. New dreams were forming. New roads were opening up. Dreams I'd put away were mine to dream again.
A lot of things I watched fall and burn are things that I was clinging to. Change scares me. I think change scares most people. So I held on as tight as I could to those things I knew needed to be changed. Sometimes the good Lord has to allow what you won't allow to happen, to happen. I look back and I realize for me to put 100% of myself into the next thing thrown my way the last thing had to go and so on and so on. In other words, those dreams and parts of my life that were burning weren't things that were going to benefit me in the long run. They were things that were in my way and slowing me down. I truly believe in the long run, I'll find it was all for my benefit.
Last week Shania Twain put out a new album for the first time in 15 years. I was so excited that they went ahead and put all the songs on Youtube! I love them all but I fell especially in love with her song called "I'm alright". It's funny, I've noticed recently when someone ask me how I am I've started saying "I'm alright" without thinking. I always used to just say "I'm good" no matter what and I don't know when that changed but for some reason it's a change that I found interesting. So the title of the song immediately jumped out at me. It's a powerful song! Things are hard right now. Some days are harder than others. But I have no doubt I'll get through this stronger, more determined and happier. I'm alright right now, working towards great :).
Side note, someone asked me the other day how I was and I said "I'm alright" and they looked at me for a second and said "Are you sure?" skeptically. Those are the kind of people you need in your life, they see through what you are saying and the front you put up!
So if you are going through a hard time, keep your head up. You aren't alone and you will be okay again. Be gentle and kind with yourself. Don't be afraid to reach out to friends or family if you need to. Most importantly just keep on keeping on!
Here is Shania Twain's song I was talking about, if you want to listen:
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