It's been 2 months since my relationship ended. It's been a long 2 months. It feels like it's gone fast and yet very slow. It's been quite a roller coaster. A roller coaster I have no desire to ride again lol. There is a reason I've avoided roller coaster my whole life hehe. If I ever get into another relationship(and I'd say right now that's a big big big IF LOL), it'd better be forever because I'm not sure I could go through this again.
15 years is a long time. I don't think I realized how long until I started to unwind myself from that relationship and him. I think me being so young when we started dating, makes it even longer somehow.
As I mentioned in my previous blog, I was almost 15 when we started dating. I thought I was so grown up and I laugh at that now. I was so far from grown up! There was so much I didn't know. There was so much I didn't understand.
I grew up with this person. Your high school years through your early 20s are probably the most formative years of your life and I went through all of that with him. I'm realizing I don't know who I am as an adult without him. I feel like an entire half of my heart and who I am, just doesn't exist anymore. I know I have to rebuild that and discover who I am by myself as as a grown woman, to move on. I know that's going to take time but I am not known for my patience lol. I want this part to be over!
People ask "What's next?" "What do you want in partner?" "What things are important to you?". I don't know what's next. I'm still trying to figure all of that out. I haven't thought about what I want in a partner since I was 14 years old. As you can imagine, what I wanted then doesn't really match up with who I am now as a woman. But what do I want and what is important to me now? I couldn't even begin to tell you. Right now, I don't want a partner. What's important to me right now, is me.
I feel like I'm starting back at like 14/15 years old. I feel like I've been on this journey that I was super invested in for 15 years and now someone has picked me up and put me back at the starting point in front of a completely different path. I know this journey will be worth it but it's scary as hell. Some days it's all just too much and I want to throw myself in the floor and have a fit like my nephews because I just don't want to do it lol. But I'm an adult and I know that's not going to fix anything and I know I don't have any choice at this point. There is no going back, that's done. I have to move forward. So I grab some chocolate, watch a movie, and have myself a good cry and then I get up and start moving forward again.
I also never realized how dependent I was on him. For 15 years, outside of my family he was the only constant person in my life. People filtered in and out but he was the only one there the whole last 15 years. For most of that time, I talked to him about everything. I don't open up to people easily or quickly but I could talk to him about anything. For most of that 15 years, we had an amazing emotional connection. He saw parts of my heart no one else has. I needed that. We still talk but it'll never be the same. I think that's what I miss most, having someone to talk to. I've always been a loner. I've always had times where I felt really alone. But I feel more alone than ever these days. I like to put up a tough front and say I don't need people but I do and I don't know how to tell them I do. I always feel like if I try to start a conversation with someone, I'll be a burden. It's also very scary to think of trying to open up to someone again. Not to speak of the fact that I have some of the worst social skills God ever gave a person lol. The other day I thought "I should send this person a message" and that was quickly followed by "How do I start a conversation?" which was quickly followed by "How do I not bore them to tears?" So I nixed the idea. I guess those are things I'll have to work on through this process as well.
I've seen many people disappear from my life in the last 2 months. It hasn't surprised me to be honest. I always felt like people always loved him more and just sort of tolerated me. He was the outgoing one and I was the introverted shy forgettable one. I knew from the moment we decided to break up that this would be end of whatever relationship I had with many people. But I don't think you can ever prepare for what it's going to be like for people to suddenly pretend they don't know you. But I can't complain. I worried some of the ones who stayed would also go and they didn't. I've been really blessed to tell you the truth. I've got a few good people who have stuck by me and I know they will continue to. I'm really grateful for them.
This was way more sad and negative than I meant for it to be lol. There is a lot of good in this. I feel like all of this has opened up so many doors and windows for me. I feel like it's given me back hopes and dreams I thought were gone for good. It's shown me who I can really count on and shown me it was exactly who I thought it was. It's shown me I'm stronger than I thought I was.
So what have I learned in the last 2 months? Break ups suck...no easy way to put it. It's hard and it's lonely. Break ups after you've been together for so long, are completely and totally life changing. Break ups after you've been together for a long time since you were really young, are even that much harder... at least for me. Unwinding yourself from someone you've been with for so long is tedious, painful, and scary. I'm a big messy work in progress right now and that's okay. If I do have a relationship in the future, I have to make healthier decisions. I have to do a better job of speaking up for myself and being true to myself. But mostly I've learned, it's not the end of the world and I'm going to be just fine. Life does go on.
Here are some pictures I've found inspirational this week!
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