On to the topic I want to discuss. When my oldest nephew Zander was baby I wrote him a letter(you can find that letter on here) and I wanted to do the same for my youngest nephew Cannon but it was hard because everything I'd said to Zander was pretty much exactly what I wanted to say to Cannon. But the other night I was thinking about when I found out Cannon was on the way and I started to write. I didn't know if I'd share it or just put in their online journal I recently started keeping for them. Today I decided to share it just like I did Zander's.
My Dear Sweet Cannon,
This time of year will always remind me of you. I enjoy spending the holidays with you and watching you play and eat our big holiday meals. It really is the highlight of my holidays. But that's not the reason I think of you during this time of year.
2 years ago on Christmas Day my only surprise gift was you(and you weren't a total surprise to me but that's a story for another day hehe)! That is when I found out you were on the way. Your parents gave me a Christmas card with an ultrasound picture of just your little hands and instantly I was wrapped around those tiny little fingers. I can not believe that was 2 years ago and that you have been in this world for 20 months. It's absolutely flown by!
This time 2 years ago, you were our little secret. It was sooo hard to not tell people and yet it was so nice to keep you as my little secret. I didn't realize at the time how nice it was to just spend time secretly anticipating your arrival and what you'd be like. It was no nice for just a short time to share you and the knowledge of your existence with just a few people. This little bit of a time where you were our little secret, was the calm before a very long storm and I cherish it in my heart so so much! But not nearly as much as I cherish you now!
When I look back on when I found out and the time I spent in anxious anticipation of your arrival, I remember feeling excited and yet worried. I worried I wouldn't feel the same about you as I did Zander. I thought I would but the love I felt for him was so amazing and life altering and consuming, it was hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that I could love another human being just as much as I loved him. But of course, the minute I laid eyes on you I did.
For me, you were my anchor grounding me to the knowledge that no matter how hard and dark things get, there is always always always good in the world. You came during a hard time for our family and for me. But your birth reminded me that the most beautiful breath taking things come from the most crazy intense times in life.
I never thought about how ironic the fact that I call you Cannon ball was until the other night. You made an entrance much like a cannon ball. Your entrance was very fast, very intense, and very loud(figuratively although from what I heard later it was literally pretty loud as well haha!) But you my beautiful sweet, peaceful Cannon ball brought anything but the destruction of a real cannon ball.
You completed. You were and are a a piece of the puzzle of my life and my heart that I had no idea was missing. You brought joy and peace, just like what I feel at Christmas time. Someone out there knew things were about to get bad and that I would need you. You were an answered prayer that I hadn't yet prayed for, at least not specifically. You were and are everything I could've ever wanted in the little baby boy(who is not really a baby any more) who is my youngest nephew. I have no doubt you were chosen specially for our family and I'm so grateful you were.
Life is going to throw you lots of curves and as much as I wish I could keep you and your brother from ever feeling pain or having to deal with the darkness in the world, I know that's not at all realistic. But I hope you never ever forget that you have a family who adores you.
I hope you never doubt how much I adore you! People say you don't know real love until you have kids of your own but I disagree. I am not your parent. You didn't grow within my body. You don't have my eyes or nose or laugh. I will never be anything but just your auntie, but I could not love you anymore than I do sweet boy or my heart would physically explode. I thank God multiple times a day that I am your auntie because it is the greatest title I've ever held. You are such an amazing kid and playing any part in your life, is a bigger blessing than I deserve!
Love you more than you'll ever know or understand,
Your Auntie
Christmas 2015
Christmas 2016
Christmas 2017
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