I'm not going to discuss the break up that much. I'm just going to say it was a mutual decision and ended on good terms. I'm just going to discuss my feelings and speak for what I've been thinking and feeling the last 4 days.
I'd be lying if I said it didn't send me on even more rough roller coaster ride than I was already on. My upcoming birthday was already weighing on me and I'd been struggling to not be completely dreading it. I look around and see people way younger than me who have it all together and here I am at 30 still drowning in life and trying to figure out where I'm going and what I want. When I thought about 30 as a kid, it seemed like a really big age and deal. I still feel that way a little bit I think lol. I keep trying to remind myself it's just another age but I don't think my heart believes me :) .
As far as the breakup, I expected to feel sad and I expected to feel many other emotions and I have. I can't even say everything I've felt has been bad. But what has taken me by surprise was this sense of failure. I mean we started dating a couple of months before I turned 15 and we made it this long. It's kind of amazing in that sense. It sucks to pour yourself into something for that long and it not work out. It probably doesn't help that I am both stubborn and a hopeless romantic lol. I probably fought for this relationship longer than most people would've. I tend to do that with all my relationships(romantic or not). I might also be a bit of a perfectionist(and everyone who knows me well is laughing right now because they know that might be the understatement of the century). It just feels like one more thing in my life that failed. One more thing that I failed at...it's just not a nice feeling.
But I also can't lie and say there isn't some excitement ,for lack of a better word, to turn this page and start a new chapter. I feel like I've changed and grown an incredible amount in the last 5 years or so. I feel like I've been more true to my true self than ever before. I've always been the kind that would follow along for awhile but eventually get tired of it and just do what feels best to me. The last five years have been a time of me finally being open and honest about how I truly feel about things. I feel like it's cost me a lot in terms of people. But I've gained so much more than I've lost. But I feel like there are parts of me that I've still been hiding. There are parts of me I've yet to discover and I'm ready to really spend some time on me. I've never been a single women. I grew up intertwined with someone else. I feel like in some ways it limited my ability to see me and to understand me and to know me. I'm ready to spend some serious time finding out who I am and exactly what I want and getting a plan to get there and most importantly putting that plan into motion. So hopefully by 40 I'll have this life thing and this adult thing figured out...but I'm not holding my breath LOL.
I will say that although my inner circle is small, I am incredibly blessed! I know I have all the love and support anyone could ask for while getting through this stage in life.
I love music and it's always a great comfort to me so I thought I'd share a few of the songs I've been listening to a lot.
I guess I'll write more about my experience with new chapters as time goes on but that's all I can think of right now lol.
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