I've opened up a blank page to write this entry at least 5 times in the last 24 to 48 hours and each time I closed it. I've just struggled to know exactly what I want to say and what I'm comfortable with sharing.
Yesterday(October 10th) was World Mental Health Day. I've discussed my issues with mental illness before but it's still hard for me to talk about.
It's hard for me to put it into words. I know what it feels like to me. I know how it affects me. I know how it shapes pretty much every part of my life. I see how it affects the people around me, both their personal struggles with it and their struggles in watching me deal with it. I know what it's taken from me. But putting all of that into words that do this journey justice feels kind of impossible. I want to find words that help others who don't deal with this stuff understand exactly what it's like and what it feels like but those words just simply don't exist. Words will always fall short.
It's also hard for me to discuss this because it's a very personal thing and I'm not good with being vulnerable. That's why in the past I've skirted over it, especially the depression. The anxiety is hard, whether it be general or social. But the depression for me, is so much harder for some reason. Lots of people will admit to dealing with anxiety but fewer want to admit to having depression. I think it's a word that scares people. They think if you have issues with depression you automatically suicidal and they look at you different and they treat you different. It's just not as easy to discuss in my opinion. (If you want to read more about my issues with anxiety, there is another blog about that from awhile ago called Social Anxiety, feel free to check it out.)
Overall, I have a good life. I have a great family. I have the two most adorable amazing nephews in the world. I have a few good friends. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food on my table. There are so many people who deal with so much worse, who've been through so much more, and have it so much harder. Yet I'm the one who has days where getting out of bed feels like trying to swim up from the ocean floor with no oxygen. So I find myself feeling guilty and feeling bad for even bringing up my issues.
Guilt is part of depression, at least for me. Depression tells me a lot of things I know aren't true. It tells me I'm wrong to feel what I feel. It tells me I'm not trying and I'm lazy. It tells me I'll never amount to anything. It tells me I'll always be broken and there is no hope. It tells me I'm weak. It tells me there is no point. There is no point in doing anything. There is no point in feeling anything. There is no point in trying to have relationships with people because I'm a burden and I make people uncomfortable and they don't need me or want me around. It tells me everyone is going to leave me. Sometimes it also tells me they'd be better off without me. All of that leads back to guilt.
I know one the main struggles I hear and read that people say about depression and anxiety and really any mental illness, is they feel alone. I certainly feel that way a lot. I feel like no one else could possibly understand what I'm going through or feeling or how scared I am or sad I feel or how lonely I am. I started talking about my mental illness issues more...I don't know a year or two ago. I was really surprised how many people came forward and let me know they deal with it too. People I'd known for ages and would've never guessed they deal with the same issues I do. People who seem to have it all together. The reality is mental illness doesn't care who you are or how great you life is. It doesn't care about the color of your skin or you education level or your job or your religion. It can effect anyone at any time.
It makes me feel better to have these people come to me and tell me they are struggling with same issues I am and yet it makes me feel really really awful. It's nice to know that no matter what depression and anxiety are telling me, I'm not alone. But at the same time it guts me to think of these people ,who I adore and who deserve all the best the world has to offer, fighting this battle too. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, let alone any of these people who have stepped forward and told me of their struggles. I wish I could take this battle from them. I wish nobody had to fight this.
But that's why we need World Mental Health Day. People need to be reminded often that they aren't alone, that they are loved, that they are wanted, that they are an important part of someone's life.
But also because there is still very much a stigma to having a mental illness. No one should ever be judged for something they didn't choose and can't control and yet it happens all the time. It wasn't maybe a week ago that someone in a Facebook group(a group with nothing to do with mental illness) I am in made a post about her depression and two replies in someone telling her she could cure her depression with diet and exercise if she really wanted to. I've also heard religious people say that if your faith is strong you won't have anxiety or depression. If you'd pray harder, he'd fix it. If you'd use this oil or drink this shake or read this book or follow this plan or get out do more things...ect, it would fix your mental illness. People are suffering alone and committing suicide because they are afraid of reaching out and being judged or treated differently and that just breaks my heart.
I know people who say those things are for the most part trying to help but those comments aren't helpful. If there was a simple cure for mental illnesses, there wouldn't be so many of us still dealing with them. If someone is telling you about their mental illness, I can almost guarantee they aren't looking for you to fix it. I get it,I'm one of those that wants to find a solution to make things better for people. But those comments do nothing but cause more damage. Don't get me wrong, I think there are things you can do to help mental illnesses(especially depression and anxiety) but they aren't a cure all end all for everyone. If I had a penny for every time someone told me exercise would make my depression and anxiety better, I'd be a rich woman. Unfortunately exercise doesn't produce that natural high for me that everyone else talks about. It does nothing for my anxiety or depression. The bottom line is, that isn't what people are looking for when they confide in you most of the time . They are are looking for comfort. They are just looking for someone to be there.
So instead, tell them you love them. Tell them you are there for them. Tell them if they want to talk you are there to listen. Tell them they are important to you. Tell them you need them and want them in your life. Tell them you aren't going anywhere. Tell them they are amazing and strong. Tell them they aren't a burden. Don't stop telling them all of that stuff! People like to hear that stuff, even if they don't seem to believe you. It can make a huge difference.
If you are struggling with mental illness, please know you aren't alone! There are lots of us out there. Don't be afraid to reach out for help or reach out to someone just to talk. You are amazing and strong! Just keep moving or in the words of Dory from Finding Nemo "Just keep swimming,swimming, swimming!".
For my friends and family, if you need to talk I'm always here. You know where to find me! You are all amazing and strong! You are important to me and I need you and want you in my life. You aren't a burden. I'm not going anywhere and I'll never ever give up on you!
