I've always been interested in eyes. I know how funny that must sound but it's true. I feel like I can look into someones eyes and see straight through to their souls. People's mouths lie both with word and action but their eyes can't lie. But there is more to it than that. I can't explain what I see when I look into someone's eyes. It always amazes me! People are so complicated and unique and beautiful! That's I suppose what you can say I see.
I feel like I can't trust someone completely if I can't look in their eyes and yet looking into someone eyes and trying to talk to someone in person is so hard for me. I feel like a contradiction.
All of this thought led me to my mirror, looking at my own eyes trying to see what I could. They were blue. Not a bright blue like some but blue none the less. I've always loved the deep blue color of my eyes, I always thought it was a good representation of my soul. Deep, blue, and kind of cold. But I had to look past the color to see what I'd come to find. To me my eyes looked tired. I saw sadness. I saw a sense of being lost. I saw fear. I saw a general dislike of myself. I saw weakness. I saw all things I didn't want to see.
But then I found myself wondering do my eyes really look like that? Is that really the person other people see? Maybe my internal struggles cloud what I see in my own my eyes.
That made me wonder how other people saw my eyes and me. Would it be what I saw? Would I want to hear what they had to say? Would it perhaps be better than what I see? Would they see nothing at all? Would they even care to look?
I think we all look at things through colored lenses. Some lenses make things look better than they are and others make things look worse. Our lens for ourselves almost always show us nothing but the negative(or at least mine does). I am without a doubt my own worst enemy and as I stood in front of that mirror I felt the weight of my own judgements on my shoulders. I suddenly felt like I was dragging a couple hundred pounds of weight through the Sahara dessert. It broke my heart and it broke my heart to wonder how many other people around me, also feel this way.
All of the outside voices telling you how great you are can only do so much to improve your view of yourself. I believe you have to work hard to change the internal voices in your head and that is an ongoing hard battle for me. It's not something someone else can do for you.
But I believe that doesn't mean we should stop telling people how great they are. It doesn't mean we shouldn't take the time to look into dive into someone elses eyes and feel their pain and acknowledge that pain and work to lift them up. Because while none of that can repair everything a person is telling themselves(or what other people have told them or are telling them), it's still good to hear and it might just mean the world to someone. Our goal should always always always be to lift people up and not tear them down.
Life is short and you only get so many opportunities to tell a person how you feel about them and what you see when you look at them. You only get so many opportunities to enjoy a connection with someone. You only get so many opportunities to enjoy a moment with any one person.
So if you love someone tell them. If you think they are amazing or strong or if they've touched your life/blessed you or if they inspired you, tell them. Don't tell them this stuff just once, tell them over and over. It might not fix all their problems, it might not change the world, but it could be enough to keep them going. If you get the chance to spend time with someone you don't see often, do it. You never know when the chance you passed up on, might be the last.
But most importantly don't forget to love on yourself, to be kind to yourself, tell yourself your amazing and strong. The goal is to look into your own eyes and see a strong amazing human being that you love and are as kind to as you are anyone else.
Let's see if I can follow my own advice because it's devastating to look in the mirror and see none of that stuff. I'm not okay right now...and that's okay. I could blame it on a thousand different things but the reality is in the last few years I've allowed myself to become someone I'm not. I've beaten myself down more than anyone else possibly could. I know my own weaknesses better than anyone and I've used them against myself.
One day I'll be okay again. But right now I have a lot to learn and a lot of room to grow. The first step in that is being more kind to myself and seeing myself as a human being who is flawed, imperfect complicated but also amazing, unique, and worthy of love even when I feel I'm not.
Saturday, August 26, 2017
Tuesday, August 22, 2017
Music teacher? Midwife? Doula? What am I going to do with my life and what are my dreams??
Well I decided to experiment with some of the settings on here and decided I like the letters bold and blue, so there ya go lol.
Anyway on to what I was going to write about. I've been thinking a lot the last few days about what I want this new chapter to look like and about my dreams, hopes, wants, and all of that. So I thought I'd discuss some of that on here.
I feel like the first thing I need to do is figure out exactly what I want to do with my life and how I'm going to make that happen. When I first went to college my major was education. I was thinking I wanted to be a Kindergarten teacher. But as time went on I just wasn't sure. I took an unplanned unwanted break from school and during that time I decided to change my major to Psychology for some weird reason lol. So the Associates degree I'm just a few hours shy of completing is in Psychology. But I have zero desire to do that. I thought until maybe 6 or 8 months ago I had no desire to go back to teaching either. But about 6 or 8 months ago someone mentioned getting my education degree and doing something in the arts. The arts were always my thing(and I mean that I enjoyed them, not that I was necessarily that good at them lol). In elementary school, I was always excited to perform in the plays(even though I despised my music teacher lol) and I did tons of musicals at church. The last 3 years I had major parts in the musicals at church. I really loved it. When I was in 5th grade you got to choose between continuing in music or switching to band(they don't do that in 5th grade here any more and I really think kids are missing out because of that but that's another story for another day lol). I switched to band and again really loved it. When I was in 6th grade you not only got to choose between band and choir but also theatre arts and art. I chose theatre. I knew nothing about it but quickly fell in love and I took it from then until I left public school half way through my junior year. So I've thought about finishing my teaching degree and being an elementary music teacher. I've also kind of thrown around the idea of going a step further and teaching theatre at the middle school level. However I'm not sure if I have enough experience to do that. But I've certainly thought about it and still am. All I know is music and threatre(and a theatre teacher and a couple of band directors) very much helped shape who I am today and I'd love to be able to give that experience to a child. My middle school years were very hard for me and band and theatre and the bonds I made in those classes, were the things that got me through and kept me sane. I have a huge heart for kids who are bullied and I'd love to be able to give them an outlet like I had. I guess the main reason I stray away from this dream is because I worry I wouldn't be a good teacher because of my personality(introverted shy soft spoken), especially in a subject like music or theatre where you normally only see outgoing bubbly teachers(and especially at a higher level then elementary school). But it's certainly something that I have thought about a lot and keeps coming back to me. So we'll see what happens.
However I also have another area that I've very interested in and that's pregnancy, labor, and post postpartum care. I've had a dream for a long time about being a midwife. Recently though I also started looking at being a doula. I'm very nurturing and that really appeals to me. The issue with both of those things is the classes for them are very expensive and there is no financial aid, so I don't know how likely that is. Also I'd have to be able to attend so many births for both and in this area that might be an issue. But it does interest me. I just think it's such a beautiful thing and I'd love to be able to help women as they are going through that process.
So that's what I'm thinking about right now as far as careers(although lets be real with me that could change in 30 minutes lol). But now I want to talk about other dreams and hopes and wants I have.
One of the biggest dreams I have is to travel. I'm not talking once a year, get a hotel or rent cabin or house or something for a week travel. I'm talking buy an RV and spend a year or two just exploring this country and the countries around it. I want to see places and experience different states. I want to see places like Yellowstone, Yosemite, Mt. St. Helens(and Mt. Rainer), the Grand Canyon, the ocean, Maine in the Fall, South Dakota, places in Canada. I also would love to travel in other countries. I'd love to see Japan and enjoy their culture(although I hate fish and most of things they eat...so that might be a problem lol) and see Mt. Fuji and the cherry blossoms blooms. I want to see China and the great wall. I want to see Egypt and the Pyramids. You get the picture lol. Something about being a nomad and just doing me for awhile really really appeals to me.
I also dream of one day writing a book. I love to write(hence why I have a couple blogs and so many other journals lol). I'd love to be able to have a book published. This kind of goes back to careers but I've also thrown around the idea of writing for newspapers or some other kind of journalism(only print though). I never really thought that would appeal to me but now at almost 30 it does.
My biggest dream though is to be a mother. As long as I can remember I've wanted children. I know your thinking hold on Melinda, don't you want to get married first and the answer is if the right person comes along, sure. But I would be completely okay with being a single mother if that doesn't happen. To be really honest, there is a big part of me right now that isn't sure I ever want to do the relationship thing again lol. I know that sounds nutty and I'm sure as time goes on, that'll change. But right now it's just not on my radar. I'm not looking for anyone and it's going to be a very very long time before I'm ready for that. But I'm going to be 30 in 6 weeks. At one point, I wanted to be done having kids by 30 or at least 35 lol(yeah I know that's insane now but I was like 14 at the time, give me a break :) ). But more than that I have reason to believe me having a baby myself is not going to be easy and it's only going to get harder the older I get...and that scares me. I want to foster and adopt one day. I've always wanted to do that as well. But I can't lie I want to experience being pregnant and doing all of that at least once. So yes if I could get settled and working and doing well financially and the right person hasn't come along, I would be willing and happy to look into doing IUI or if IVF to have a baby on my own. But unfortunately that's way way way in the future lol.
That's the best part of opening a new chapter I think, everything is wide open. I feel really free. I feel like the world is mine to explore. I feel like it's time to do me and find me and get me together. I'm excited and hopeful. We'll see how long it takes for the world and reality to beat that out of me LOL.
Anyway on to what I was going to write about. I've been thinking a lot the last few days about what I want this new chapter to look like and about my dreams, hopes, wants, and all of that. So I thought I'd discuss some of that on here.
I feel like the first thing I need to do is figure out exactly what I want to do with my life and how I'm going to make that happen. When I first went to college my major was education. I was thinking I wanted to be a Kindergarten teacher. But as time went on I just wasn't sure. I took an unplanned unwanted break from school and during that time I decided to change my major to Psychology for some weird reason lol. So the Associates degree I'm just a few hours shy of completing is in Psychology. But I have zero desire to do that. I thought until maybe 6 or 8 months ago I had no desire to go back to teaching either. But about 6 or 8 months ago someone mentioned getting my education degree and doing something in the arts. The arts were always my thing(and I mean that I enjoyed them, not that I was necessarily that good at them lol). In elementary school, I was always excited to perform in the plays(even though I despised my music teacher lol) and I did tons of musicals at church. The last 3 years I had major parts in the musicals at church. I really loved it. When I was in 5th grade you got to choose between continuing in music or switching to band(they don't do that in 5th grade here any more and I really think kids are missing out because of that but that's another story for another day lol). I switched to band and again really loved it. When I was in 6th grade you not only got to choose between band and choir but also theatre arts and art. I chose theatre. I knew nothing about it but quickly fell in love and I took it from then until I left public school half way through my junior year. So I've thought about finishing my teaching degree and being an elementary music teacher. I've also kind of thrown around the idea of going a step further and teaching theatre at the middle school level. However I'm not sure if I have enough experience to do that. But I've certainly thought about it and still am. All I know is music and threatre(and a theatre teacher and a couple of band directors) very much helped shape who I am today and I'd love to be able to give that experience to a child. My middle school years were very hard for me and band and theatre and the bonds I made in those classes, were the things that got me through and kept me sane. I have a huge heart for kids who are bullied and I'd love to be able to give them an outlet like I had. I guess the main reason I stray away from this dream is because I worry I wouldn't be a good teacher because of my personality(introverted shy soft spoken), especially in a subject like music or theatre where you normally only see outgoing bubbly teachers(and especially at a higher level then elementary school). But it's certainly something that I have thought about a lot and keeps coming back to me. So we'll see what happens.
However I also have another area that I've very interested in and that's pregnancy, labor, and post postpartum care. I've had a dream for a long time about being a midwife. Recently though I also started looking at being a doula. I'm very nurturing and that really appeals to me. The issue with both of those things is the classes for them are very expensive and there is no financial aid, so I don't know how likely that is. Also I'd have to be able to attend so many births for both and in this area that might be an issue. But it does interest me. I just think it's such a beautiful thing and I'd love to be able to help women as they are going through that process.
So that's what I'm thinking about right now as far as careers(although lets be real with me that could change in 30 minutes lol). But now I want to talk about other dreams and hopes and wants I have.
One of the biggest dreams I have is to travel. I'm not talking once a year, get a hotel or rent cabin or house or something for a week travel. I'm talking buy an RV and spend a year or two just exploring this country and the countries around it. I want to see places and experience different states. I want to see places like Yellowstone, Yosemite, Mt. St. Helens(and Mt. Rainer), the Grand Canyon, the ocean, Maine in the Fall, South Dakota, places in Canada. I also would love to travel in other countries. I'd love to see Japan and enjoy their culture(although I hate fish and most of things they eat...so that might be a problem lol) and see Mt. Fuji and the cherry blossoms blooms. I want to see China and the great wall. I want to see Egypt and the Pyramids. You get the picture lol. Something about being a nomad and just doing me for awhile really really appeals to me.
I also dream of one day writing a book. I love to write(hence why I have a couple blogs and so many other journals lol). I'd love to be able to have a book published. This kind of goes back to careers but I've also thrown around the idea of writing for newspapers or some other kind of journalism(only print though). I never really thought that would appeal to me but now at almost 30 it does.
My biggest dream though is to be a mother. As long as I can remember I've wanted children. I know your thinking hold on Melinda, don't you want to get married first and the answer is if the right person comes along, sure. But I would be completely okay with being a single mother if that doesn't happen. To be really honest, there is a big part of me right now that isn't sure I ever want to do the relationship thing again lol. I know that sounds nutty and I'm sure as time goes on, that'll change. But right now it's just not on my radar. I'm not looking for anyone and it's going to be a very very long time before I'm ready for that. But I'm going to be 30 in 6 weeks. At one point, I wanted to be done having kids by 30 or at least 35 lol(yeah I know that's insane now but I was like 14 at the time, give me a break :) ). But more than that I have reason to believe me having a baby myself is not going to be easy and it's only going to get harder the older I get...and that scares me. I want to foster and adopt one day. I've always wanted to do that as well. But I can't lie I want to experience being pregnant and doing all of that at least once. So yes if I could get settled and working and doing well financially and the right person hasn't come along, I would be willing and happy to look into doing IUI or if IVF to have a baby on my own. But unfortunately that's way way way in the future lol.
That's the best part of opening a new chapter I think, everything is wide open. I feel really free. I feel like the world is mine to explore. I feel like it's time to do me and find me and get me together. I'm excited and hopeful. We'll see how long it takes for the world and reality to beat that out of me LOL.
Tuesday, August 15, 2017
New chapters
I've always felt like someone in the universe likes to mess things up every year right before my birthday and this year seems to be following the trend. I look at the calendar an it says we are 6.5 weeks from my 30th birthday and 4 days ago my relationship of 15 years ended on top of the mountain of other crap I've been dealing with for what seems like forever now. I've spent more time in the last 2 years looking up at the sky saying "You have got to be fricking kidding right now!" than I ever have in my life lol. It's just been unreal the amount of crap that has gone wrong and the number of tears I've cried. There shouldn't be any tears left in my body.
I'm not going to discuss the break up that much. I'm just going to say it was a mutual decision and ended on good terms. I'm just going to discuss my feelings and speak for what I've been thinking and feeling the last 4 days.
I'd be lying if I said it didn't send me on even more rough roller coaster ride than I was already on. My upcoming birthday was already weighing on me and I'd been struggling to not be completely dreading it. I look around and see people way younger than me who have it all together and here I am at 30 still drowning in life and trying to figure out where I'm going and what I want. When I thought about 30 as a kid, it seemed like a really big age and deal. I still feel that way a little bit I think lol. I keep trying to remind myself it's just another age but I don't think my heart believes me :) .
As far as the breakup, I expected to feel sad and I expected to feel many other emotions and I have. I can't even say everything I've felt has been bad. But what has taken me by surprise was this sense of failure. I mean we started dating a couple of months before I turned 15 and we made it this long. It's kind of amazing in that sense. It sucks to pour yourself into something for that long and it not work out. It probably doesn't help that I am both stubborn and a hopeless romantic lol. I probably fought for this relationship longer than most people would've. I tend to do that with all my relationships(romantic or not). I might also be a bit of a perfectionist(and everyone who knows me well is laughing right now because they know that might be the understatement of the century). It just feels like one more thing in my life that failed. One more thing that I failed at...it's just not a nice feeling.
But I also can't lie and say there isn't some excitement ,for lack of a better word, to turn this page and start a new chapter. I feel like I've changed and grown an incredible amount in the last 5 years or so. I feel like I've been more true to my true self than ever before. I've always been the kind that would follow along for awhile but eventually get tired of it and just do what feels best to me. The last five years have been a time of me finally being open and honest about how I truly feel about things. I feel like it's cost me a lot in terms of people. But I've gained so much more than I've lost. But I feel like there are parts of me that I've still been hiding. There are parts of me I've yet to discover and I'm ready to really spend some time on me. I've never been a single women. I grew up intertwined with someone else. I feel like in some ways it limited my ability to see me and to understand me and to know me. I'm ready to spend some serious time finding out who I am and exactly what I want and getting a plan to get there and most importantly putting that plan into motion. So hopefully by 40 I'll have this life thing and this adult thing figured out...but I'm not holding my breath LOL.
I will say that although my inner circle is small, I am incredibly blessed! I know I have all the love and support anyone could ask for while getting through this stage in life.
I love music and it's always a great comfort to me so I thought I'd share a few of the songs I've been listening to a lot.
I'm including the song by P!nk because I love the song and so excited she coming out with new music!
I guess I'll write more about my experience with new chapters as time goes on but that's all I can think of right now lol.
I'm not going to discuss the break up that much. I'm just going to say it was a mutual decision and ended on good terms. I'm just going to discuss my feelings and speak for what I've been thinking and feeling the last 4 days.
I'd be lying if I said it didn't send me on even more rough roller coaster ride than I was already on. My upcoming birthday was already weighing on me and I'd been struggling to not be completely dreading it. I look around and see people way younger than me who have it all together and here I am at 30 still drowning in life and trying to figure out where I'm going and what I want. When I thought about 30 as a kid, it seemed like a really big age and deal. I still feel that way a little bit I think lol. I keep trying to remind myself it's just another age but I don't think my heart believes me :) .
As far as the breakup, I expected to feel sad and I expected to feel many other emotions and I have. I can't even say everything I've felt has been bad. But what has taken me by surprise was this sense of failure. I mean we started dating a couple of months before I turned 15 and we made it this long. It's kind of amazing in that sense. It sucks to pour yourself into something for that long and it not work out. It probably doesn't help that I am both stubborn and a hopeless romantic lol. I probably fought for this relationship longer than most people would've. I tend to do that with all my relationships(romantic or not). I might also be a bit of a perfectionist(and everyone who knows me well is laughing right now because they know that might be the understatement of the century). It just feels like one more thing in my life that failed. One more thing that I failed at...it's just not a nice feeling.
But I also can't lie and say there isn't some excitement ,for lack of a better word, to turn this page and start a new chapter. I feel like I've changed and grown an incredible amount in the last 5 years or so. I feel like I've been more true to my true self than ever before. I've always been the kind that would follow along for awhile but eventually get tired of it and just do what feels best to me. The last five years have been a time of me finally being open and honest about how I truly feel about things. I feel like it's cost me a lot in terms of people. But I've gained so much more than I've lost. But I feel like there are parts of me that I've still been hiding. There are parts of me I've yet to discover and I'm ready to really spend some time on me. I've never been a single women. I grew up intertwined with someone else. I feel like in some ways it limited my ability to see me and to understand me and to know me. I'm ready to spend some serious time finding out who I am and exactly what I want and getting a plan to get there and most importantly putting that plan into motion. So hopefully by 40 I'll have this life thing and this adult thing figured out...but I'm not holding my breath LOL.
I will say that although my inner circle is small, I am incredibly blessed! I know I have all the love and support anyone could ask for while getting through this stage in life.
I love music and it's always a great comfort to me so I thought I'd share a few of the songs I've been listening to a lot.
I guess I'll write more about my experience with new chapters as time goes on but that's all I can think of right now lol.
Wednesday, July 26, 2017
My quotes
Well we have been without internet again...9 days so far(finally got it back on, on day 9). It's been harder this time, which took me by surprise to be honest. It gives me too much time to think. Some of the thinking is good and some of it isn't lol.
It also gave me time to work on decorating my room more and by that I mean more quotes and more pictures of my nephews :).
I started putting up quotes on my walls long before we moved here. But it was just a few. My walls look like a patchwork quilt of quotes now LOL. Which probably tells you how my life has been gone lately :). It started off as positive quotes and now it's become quotes that mean something to me. A lot of these quotes I think most people would probably not want on their wall or understand why someone would want them on their wall. I guess that's me for ya lol. They are in sections for specific reasons. There in a specific order for a specific reason. It's kind of become an obsession lol. When I look at them it makes me feel good. When I look at them it feels like a small portion of my brain come to life.
I think one quote sums it all up though
"Life is amazing. And then it's awful. And then it's amazing. And in between the amazing and the awful it's ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That's just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful ordinary life. And it's breath takingly beautiful!"
That quote is in big hot pink letters right square in the middle of the quotes that are most important to me. It represents everything all the quotes mean to me. We want life to be nice and neat and easy. But that's not reality and it's not what's best for us. If we all got to sit and be happy and healthy and loved and our hearts whole and unbroken, we'd be awfully lazy, ignorant, and many other not nice things. The things that leave us awake at 4AM are the things that shape up and teach us. Heartbreak makes us more sympathetic. When people break our hearts it makes more grateful for the people in our lives we love and more grateful for the fact that things are good between us at that moment. But sometimes the people you love most and who love you most, are the ones that hurt you the worst and from that you learn forgiveness.
Most people who put quotes around them put just quotes people see as positive. But the quotes on my walls are a combination of both. There are positive quotes such as the one above but there are other quotes. They are quotes that represent hard things for me and lessons learned and lessons I'm still working on learning. The represent things I love and things that make me, me. They represent me and my life and my journey. They remind me how blessed I am and they remind me that no matter how bad things are to never ever forget that.
They are good therapy. They are good therapy to write and hang up. They are good therapy to have where I can see them and read them whenever I want. They are good therapy to give me the feeling of having control over something when I feel like everything else is out of control. I get to decide what goes up there, what color it's written in, if it's in cursive or not, where it goes on the wall. I'm the kind of person who wants to fix things and sometimes things can't be fixed with simple actions. Sometimes they take time. But this gives me something to do in the mean time. I see my quotes as like the marks on a wall people use to show how much their kids grow from year to year. I started off printing off quotes but that's not cheap when you're on a budget. So I started writing them on simple computer paper with permanent marker and I realized it was far more therapeutic if I wrote it. When I first started writing them I'd write them and rewrite them over and over trying to make them perfect. If I messed up I started over. But I realized that marking out the mess up and continuing on made me feel better for some reason. Different quotes jump out at at different times and sometimes it's for completely different reasons than why I put them up there. Some quotes I can't even remember why I put them up there in the first place. I know it looks like an unorganized, ugly, chaotic mess to some people but it's mine and it means so much to me.
So if you have an empty wall and don't know what to put on it, make it your own. Put up pictures and quotes and things that make you feel good and make you feel blessed and make you think of good and bad times. But don't forget to include things that represent hard times and lessons learned because those are just as if not more important. You won't regret it :).
It also gave me time to work on decorating my room more and by that I mean more quotes and more pictures of my nephews :).
I started putting up quotes on my walls long before we moved here. But it was just a few. My walls look like a patchwork quilt of quotes now LOL. Which probably tells you how my life has been gone lately :). It started off as positive quotes and now it's become quotes that mean something to me. A lot of these quotes I think most people would probably not want on their wall or understand why someone would want them on their wall. I guess that's me for ya lol. They are in sections for specific reasons. There in a specific order for a specific reason. It's kind of become an obsession lol. When I look at them it makes me feel good. When I look at them it feels like a small portion of my brain come to life.
I think one quote sums it all up though
"Life is amazing. And then it's awful. And then it's amazing. And in between the amazing and the awful it's ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That's just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful ordinary life. And it's breath takingly beautiful!"
That quote is in big hot pink letters right square in the middle of the quotes that are most important to me. It represents everything all the quotes mean to me. We want life to be nice and neat and easy. But that's not reality and it's not what's best for us. If we all got to sit and be happy and healthy and loved and our hearts whole and unbroken, we'd be awfully lazy, ignorant, and many other not nice things. The things that leave us awake at 4AM are the things that shape up and teach us. Heartbreak makes us more sympathetic. When people break our hearts it makes more grateful for the people in our lives we love and more grateful for the fact that things are good between us at that moment. But sometimes the people you love most and who love you most, are the ones that hurt you the worst and from that you learn forgiveness.
Most people who put quotes around them put just quotes people see as positive. But the quotes on my walls are a combination of both. There are positive quotes such as the one above but there are other quotes. They are quotes that represent hard things for me and lessons learned and lessons I'm still working on learning. The represent things I love and things that make me, me. They represent me and my life and my journey. They remind me how blessed I am and they remind me that no matter how bad things are to never ever forget that.
They are good therapy. They are good therapy to write and hang up. They are good therapy to have where I can see them and read them whenever I want. They are good therapy to give me the feeling of having control over something when I feel like everything else is out of control. I get to decide what goes up there, what color it's written in, if it's in cursive or not, where it goes on the wall. I'm the kind of person who wants to fix things and sometimes things can't be fixed with simple actions. Sometimes they take time. But this gives me something to do in the mean time. I see my quotes as like the marks on a wall people use to show how much their kids grow from year to year. I started off printing off quotes but that's not cheap when you're on a budget. So I started writing them on simple computer paper with permanent marker and I realized it was far more therapeutic if I wrote it. When I first started writing them I'd write them and rewrite them over and over trying to make them perfect. If I messed up I started over. But I realized that marking out the mess up and continuing on made me feel better for some reason. Different quotes jump out at at different times and sometimes it's for completely different reasons than why I put them up there. Some quotes I can't even remember why I put them up there in the first place. I know it looks like an unorganized, ugly, chaotic mess to some people but it's mine and it means so much to me.
So if you have an empty wall and don't know what to put on it, make it your own. Put up pictures and quotes and things that make you feel good and make you feel blessed and make you think of good and bad times. But don't forget to include things that represent hard times and lessons learned because those are just as if not more important. You won't regret it :).
Thursday, July 13, 2017
Church...why I'm taking a break...maybe permanently
I think I can say with quite a bit of certainty that this blog will not be a fun one. It won't be fun for me to write and it won't be fun for people to read I'm afraid. I've tried to write this blog 3 times before and never finished it. It felt wrong for so long. It felt wrong to put this out there where others could read it, especially others who know the church involved and even more the people involved. It felt wrong to put my emotions out there where others could read them. But 3 different instances have brought this to my mind lately and I realized the wound from this is still huge and raw. I realized it's my story and my feelings and my broken heart and I have every right to write about it. I've spent so much time pushing it away and hoping it would just get better and go away on it's own. But it's only grown larger and more raw. So I thought maybe writing about it publicly would help me to start dealing with it. So let's see if I actually finish it and post it this time lol.
Church has been apart of my life as long as I can remember. We attended the same church from the time I was probably 2 or so until I was in a freshman in high school. At that point I was over the youth group at the church we were attending and my parents were having other issues. So I left first and went to my boyfriends church. My parents and sister left and went to another church shortly after.
Up until about 3 or 3.5 years ago I loved it. I loved the people. I loved the style. It was great. I started working in the nursery about a year after I started going there and LOVED it. Sunday school was great. Youth group was great. But where I really felt I belonged was in the nursery. From the moment I started in there, it felt like my place. After I graduated high school I was given an even bigger role and I flourished there.
The oldest two kids I first kept in there have graduated high school and the little sister of one of them is in high school! It boggles my mind it's been that long ago. Those 3 will always be special to me, especially the youngest one. I started keeping her when she was like 10 months old and I kept keeping her until she was 5. I remember one time especially fondly. She was going through a stage of separation anxiety. They dropped her off with me and not long after they left she started to cry. I picked her up and walked all over that room with her singing to her until she fell asleep in my arms. I sat down in a chair and just watched her sleep for an hour. Her sister loved for me to give her piggy back rides. I gave her so many piggy back rides I should've turned into a piggy lol. I give her a piggy back ride around the room so she could get toys or books and then we'd go to the table and play or read for awhile and then I'd give her a piggy back ride to put them up and get something new. I kept one little boy many times who loved Thomas the Train and he'd always go right to the Thomas the Train book we had and start playing with it and he wouldn't stop until it was time to go. I kept another baby boy who had separation anxiety and I spent every Sunday walking around with him, singing to him or bouncing him or shushing him until he'd fall asleep in my arms. One of my last memories was keeping a brand new baby I'd been excitedly waiting to keep. I only kept her once. I sat in the rocker with the light off and fed her her bottle and then she fell asleep on my chest. I had no way of knowing how close the end was and I'm glad I didn't. I still remember the prayer the kids would say when they ate their snacks and I can still hear their little voices in my head saying it. So many wonderful memories.
Over the years many amazing babies and children came into the nursery. Some for just a service or two and others for years. It was so rewarding no matter how long they stayed. But it wasn't just the kids, I got to know many wonderful adults as well. I formed relationships I thought I'd get to keep for a very very long time.
I knew some day I wouldn't keep the nursery any more. I mean that's how life goes. I always imagined it would be on my terms. I think most people think things like this will end on their terms and not someone elses. I always imagined it would be a celebratory thing with lots of thank yous and what not. I imagined it would be a sweet time. I never ever could have guessed how very wrong the image in my head was.
It happened slowly. So slowly, I didn't realize it was happening. Little by little I was being pushed out. It wasn't until without warning, without discussion, without reason the Sunday morning service was taken from me and they started having volunteers do it that I realized what was going on. I had noticed the attitudes of the other two women in the nursery towards me had changed but I didn't realize how much it had changed. That hurt. It hurt that it happened and it hurt to not even be told. I found out through the grapevine. People around me assured that it wasn't that big of deal and I could still volunteer and keep the nursery. So I pushed down my feelings, put on a smile, and put my name on the list a few times. But it wasn't the same. I no longer felt welcome there. I no longer felt there was a place for me in there. So when the sign up sheet went around the next time, I didn't sign up. As a matter of fact, I never signed up again. I was still in the nursery for Sunday school when needed and that would have to be enough. It wasn't enough and I could feel it slipping from my fingers. I think I knew that it was only a matter of time until that was gone too.
On August 30th,2015 my heart was completely crushed. There hadn't really been anyone in the nursery in Sunday school in years at that point. So I had been going into the adult class. I some how ended up being the one who did the box. On that day I opened the roll to find someone had been moved in to the class...me. Just like Sunday morning worship, I wasn't told, there was no explanation, and there was no warning. There sure weren't any thank yous and it was far from on my terms. There were no goodbyes. No closure. Nothing. It was just over and I was just left to pick up the pieces of my crushed heart. I've wondered many times how long it would've been before I figured it out if I hadn't been the one who did the roll. Because they sure weren't going to come and tell me.
I spent the whole morning on the verge of tears and when I got home in the safety of my room the tears just wouldn't stop. I kept being told it wasn't a big deal. Some people were okay with me talking about it for awhile but eventually I could sense they were over it. But I wasn't. It sent me into a tailspin of depression that I still haven't climbed out of. I mean other things have furthered it but that was where it started.
I pushed it all down. I put it on the back burner. As I said I hoped as time went it'd get better better on it's own.
But what a shock it hasn't. Sitting there watching people take babies to the nursery would reopen that wound every time. Seeing new babies come in that I would never get the chance to bond with and love on and enjoy just broke my heart over and over and over. Seeing the people who I had once been close to walk past me without ever acknowledging what they'd done planted a seed of anger inside of me and left me feeling really alone. At around the time we hit a year since I'd been removed from the nursery I started to notice that being at church gave me awful anxiety. I spent many mornings in the bathroom trying to stop hyperventilating so I could get the feeling back in my hands and feet. I didn't understand it.
I was playing with the idea of taking break several months ago and had even written a whole Facebook post saying I was taking one but then didn't post it. But then it was done for me. There was a situation that made it where I didn't have a ride to church for multiple weeks and I realized within a few weeks I didn't miss it and I didn't want to go back. So when it came time for me to go back, I didn't and months later I still haven't. I don't know if I will ever go back to my old church or any church for that matter.
It wasn't until I mentioned the anxiety to someone and they asked if something traumatic had happened there that I put the pieces together. I was anxious there because I no longer felt like I belonged and because I was broken and trying to ignore it. I was anxious there because it was a place where very big painful wounds were reopened over and over and over and outside of not going back I can't see how to stop that.
One thing I will say I've learned though this is to never down play another person's pain. It may seem small to you but to them it could be soul crushing and life changing. This wasn't small for me. The nursery was so much more than a position at church for me. It was part of who I was. I spent 10+ plus years pouring my heart and soul into it. It was my passion. It kept me going during rough times.
Losing that was devastating but it was made so much worse by nobody having the guts to come to me and tell me what was going on. Years before this they did away with the paid nursery worker job I had on Sunday and Wednesday nights because no one was coming any more. It sucked but they were open and honest and told me what was going on and what going to happen. I felt sad but I also felt valued because they took the time to discuss it with me. I was sad for a bit but life moved on and it wasn't a big deal. But when this went down I felt like I didn't matter to them. I was disposable. My time, my energy, my passion, and the heart I poured into it didn't mean anything at the end of the day. I felt like in their eyes I wasn't worth the time and energy it would've taken for them to discuss it me. I'd made their lives easier for 10 years and they were done with me. They didn't care about me or my feelings and they didn't respect me. I wasn't valuable to them then and in reality... I never was.
I know these kind of things aren't supposed to be done for human approval. What I didn't know, was that meant they could stomp all over my heart and I was supposed to take it with a smile. I didn't need them to throw me a party. I didn't need them make a big to do over it. I just needed them respect me and the time I'd spent in that nursery enough to be honest with me. I feel like 10+ years of pouring everything I could into it should've earned me at least that.
It made me wonder what I'd done or what was wrong with me that I deserved to be treated like that. I spent days and weeks and months and now years going over everything in my head trying to make sense of it. I've realized it's pointless to try to figure it out. It just drives me crazy. I'll never understand. It'll never be okay. It'll never not hurt. It'll never not be a big soul crushing moment for me.
At the end of the day, even with as much hurt as this mess has caused me I wouldn't change a thing. I'd still would've jumped at the chance to be there in the nursery. I still would've poured myself into it and given all I had into it because the memories I made are amazing and no one can take those away. But that doesn't mean I can go back to the place where it all happened and pretend I'm okay with what happened. I'm not and honestly I don't know if I ever will be.
Church has been apart of my life as long as I can remember. We attended the same church from the time I was probably 2 or so until I was in a freshman in high school. At that point I was over the youth group at the church we were attending and my parents were having other issues. So I left first and went to my boyfriends church. My parents and sister left and went to another church shortly after.
Up until about 3 or 3.5 years ago I loved it. I loved the people. I loved the style. It was great. I started working in the nursery about a year after I started going there and LOVED it. Sunday school was great. Youth group was great. But where I really felt I belonged was in the nursery. From the moment I started in there, it felt like my place. After I graduated high school I was given an even bigger role and I flourished there.
The oldest two kids I first kept in there have graduated high school and the little sister of one of them is in high school! It boggles my mind it's been that long ago. Those 3 will always be special to me, especially the youngest one. I started keeping her when she was like 10 months old and I kept keeping her until she was 5. I remember one time especially fondly. She was going through a stage of separation anxiety. They dropped her off with me and not long after they left she started to cry. I picked her up and walked all over that room with her singing to her until she fell asleep in my arms. I sat down in a chair and just watched her sleep for an hour. Her sister loved for me to give her piggy back rides. I gave her so many piggy back rides I should've turned into a piggy lol. I give her a piggy back ride around the room so she could get toys or books and then we'd go to the table and play or read for awhile and then I'd give her a piggy back ride to put them up and get something new. I kept one little boy many times who loved Thomas the Train and he'd always go right to the Thomas the Train book we had and start playing with it and he wouldn't stop until it was time to go. I kept another baby boy who had separation anxiety and I spent every Sunday walking around with him, singing to him or bouncing him or shushing him until he'd fall asleep in my arms. One of my last memories was keeping a brand new baby I'd been excitedly waiting to keep. I only kept her once. I sat in the rocker with the light off and fed her her bottle and then she fell asleep on my chest. I had no way of knowing how close the end was and I'm glad I didn't. I still remember the prayer the kids would say when they ate their snacks and I can still hear their little voices in my head saying it. So many wonderful memories.
Over the years many amazing babies and children came into the nursery. Some for just a service or two and others for years. It was so rewarding no matter how long they stayed. But it wasn't just the kids, I got to know many wonderful adults as well. I formed relationships I thought I'd get to keep for a very very long time.
I knew some day I wouldn't keep the nursery any more. I mean that's how life goes. I always imagined it would be on my terms. I think most people think things like this will end on their terms and not someone elses. I always imagined it would be a celebratory thing with lots of thank yous and what not. I imagined it would be a sweet time. I never ever could have guessed how very wrong the image in my head was.
It happened slowly. So slowly, I didn't realize it was happening. Little by little I was being pushed out. It wasn't until without warning, without discussion, without reason the Sunday morning service was taken from me and they started having volunteers do it that I realized what was going on. I had noticed the attitudes of the other two women in the nursery towards me had changed but I didn't realize how much it had changed. That hurt. It hurt that it happened and it hurt to not even be told. I found out through the grapevine. People around me assured that it wasn't that big of deal and I could still volunteer and keep the nursery. So I pushed down my feelings, put on a smile, and put my name on the list a few times. But it wasn't the same. I no longer felt welcome there. I no longer felt there was a place for me in there. So when the sign up sheet went around the next time, I didn't sign up. As a matter of fact, I never signed up again. I was still in the nursery for Sunday school when needed and that would have to be enough. It wasn't enough and I could feel it slipping from my fingers. I think I knew that it was only a matter of time until that was gone too.
On August 30th,2015 my heart was completely crushed. There hadn't really been anyone in the nursery in Sunday school in years at that point. So I had been going into the adult class. I some how ended up being the one who did the box. On that day I opened the roll to find someone had been moved in to the class...me. Just like Sunday morning worship, I wasn't told, there was no explanation, and there was no warning. There sure weren't any thank yous and it was far from on my terms. There were no goodbyes. No closure. Nothing. It was just over and I was just left to pick up the pieces of my crushed heart. I've wondered many times how long it would've been before I figured it out if I hadn't been the one who did the roll. Because they sure weren't going to come and tell me.
I spent the whole morning on the verge of tears and when I got home in the safety of my room the tears just wouldn't stop. I kept being told it wasn't a big deal. Some people were okay with me talking about it for awhile but eventually I could sense they were over it. But I wasn't. It sent me into a tailspin of depression that I still haven't climbed out of. I mean other things have furthered it but that was where it started.
I pushed it all down. I put it on the back burner. As I said I hoped as time went it'd get better better on it's own.
But what a shock it hasn't. Sitting there watching people take babies to the nursery would reopen that wound every time. Seeing new babies come in that I would never get the chance to bond with and love on and enjoy just broke my heart over and over and over. Seeing the people who I had once been close to walk past me without ever acknowledging what they'd done planted a seed of anger inside of me and left me feeling really alone. At around the time we hit a year since I'd been removed from the nursery I started to notice that being at church gave me awful anxiety. I spent many mornings in the bathroom trying to stop hyperventilating so I could get the feeling back in my hands and feet. I didn't understand it.
I was playing with the idea of taking break several months ago and had even written a whole Facebook post saying I was taking one but then didn't post it. But then it was done for me. There was a situation that made it where I didn't have a ride to church for multiple weeks and I realized within a few weeks I didn't miss it and I didn't want to go back. So when it came time for me to go back, I didn't and months later I still haven't. I don't know if I will ever go back to my old church or any church for that matter.
It wasn't until I mentioned the anxiety to someone and they asked if something traumatic had happened there that I put the pieces together. I was anxious there because I no longer felt like I belonged and because I was broken and trying to ignore it. I was anxious there because it was a place where very big painful wounds were reopened over and over and over and outside of not going back I can't see how to stop that.
One thing I will say I've learned though this is to never down play another person's pain. It may seem small to you but to them it could be soul crushing and life changing. This wasn't small for me. The nursery was so much more than a position at church for me. It was part of who I was. I spent 10+ plus years pouring my heart and soul into it. It was my passion. It kept me going during rough times.
Losing that was devastating but it was made so much worse by nobody having the guts to come to me and tell me what was going on. Years before this they did away with the paid nursery worker job I had on Sunday and Wednesday nights because no one was coming any more. It sucked but they were open and honest and told me what was going on and what going to happen. I felt sad but I also felt valued because they took the time to discuss it with me. I was sad for a bit but life moved on and it wasn't a big deal. But when this went down I felt like I didn't matter to them. I was disposable. My time, my energy, my passion, and the heart I poured into it didn't mean anything at the end of the day. I felt like in their eyes I wasn't worth the time and energy it would've taken for them to discuss it me. I'd made their lives easier for 10 years and they were done with me. They didn't care about me or my feelings and they didn't respect me. I wasn't valuable to them then and in reality... I never was.
I know these kind of things aren't supposed to be done for human approval. What I didn't know, was that meant they could stomp all over my heart and I was supposed to take it with a smile. I didn't need them to throw me a party. I didn't need them make a big to do over it. I just needed them respect me and the time I'd spent in that nursery enough to be honest with me. I feel like 10+ years of pouring everything I could into it should've earned me at least that.
It made me wonder what I'd done or what was wrong with me that I deserved to be treated like that. I spent days and weeks and months and now years going over everything in my head trying to make sense of it. I've realized it's pointless to try to figure it out. It just drives me crazy. I'll never understand. It'll never be okay. It'll never not hurt. It'll never not be a big soul crushing moment for me.
At the end of the day, even with as much hurt as this mess has caused me I wouldn't change a thing. I'd still would've jumped at the chance to be there in the nursery. I still would've poured myself into it and given all I had into it because the memories I made are amazing and no one can take those away. But that doesn't mean I can go back to the place where it all happened and pretend I'm okay with what happened. I'm not and honestly I don't know if I ever will be.
Thursday, July 6, 2017
The Lovely Bones(a book and movie review).
I mentioned in a previous blog that I wanted to start reviewing movies. I was thinking today though that I'd also like to review books and also compare and contrast books and movies based on those books. I don't have internet right now and won't for a few weeks, so I'll probably be uploading a bunch of these at one time lol. I'm going to have a lot of time on my hands to read and write. We'll see if that's a good or bad thing LOL.
So I first want to say that I love books with reading group guides and questions in them. I'm not in any reading groups or book clubs or anything(although I'd like to be, just none around here that I know of) but I feel like reading that stuff before I read the book and then coming back to it after I read the book helps me to really dive deeper into a book and understand it.
So the book I'm doing in this entry is "The Lovely Bones" by Alice Sebold. I know there is a movie based on this book and I've seen it and I love it. So I'll do a little comparing at the end.
"The Lovely Bones" is a book about the rape and murder of 14 year old Susie Salmon. She is the narrator and she is narrating from her heaven. The book jumps back and forth between memories from before her murder(also some scenes of her murder) to the aftermath of her murder.
It follows her family and her friends as they make their way through the winding awful road that is grief. It shows how all of their lives are completely and permanently changed. There are many books and movies that do that. But what makes this book unique is as previously mentioned it's narrated by Susie and follows her road of dealing with what has happened to her and what is happening to her family and friends and as the book goes on how she deals with the fact that her family, friends, and the world she left are all changing and moving on without her.
I love love love this book. I've read it several times now and every time I feel different when I finish it and I notice different things. I find that all of the characters are well thought out, well rounded, interesting, and unique characters. In some books the characters feel like the same person, just different names. But this is not one of those books. The characters are all very different from each other. They are deep well developed characters.
The story line is great. It's a story line that has been done many times but the author tackles it in a completely unique way. It's full of hidden messages and hidden connections you might not notice the first or even second or third time you read it. As I mentioned I always notice something new.
So let's talk about some things I'm not as wild about.
There are small things like the fact that Susie's killer dies without ever being caught and held accountable for what he did to her and many other girls and that her body is dumped in the sink hole and never found. I get it though, it works for the message in this story. Also the reality is tons of people never have a body for their missing loved one and many many murders go unsolved. So it makes sense and is realistic. But that doesn't mean I don't want to see her body found and the creep caught lol.
I also think the way the author handled relationships is weird(I'll get into more over that when I answer the questions).
The big thing I don't like is towards the end of the book there is a scene where the guy(Ray) Susie liked and was just starting to date when she died and a girl(Ruth) who saw her spirit when she died(she became good friends with Ray after Susie's death) come back to town like 8.5 years after her death because they are going to fill in the sink hole and the sink hole is something that has always interested Ruth and she wants to see it before they fill it in and she wants Ray to come with her. So after they look at the sink hole, Ray goes to collect flowers for his mom and suddenly Susie enters Ruth's body and Ruth goes to heaven. She(Susie in Ruth's body) takes him to a bike shop and they have sex basically like rabbits for awhile and then of course she has to go back to her heaven and Ruth has to come back.
On the surface, it's kind of a romantic sweet moment. But the more I think about the scene the less I like it. First off, it seems weird to me that a guy would still be hung up on a girl he had a crush on at 14 as a grown man. Second off, Susie is of course stuck at 14 years old and he is now an adult. Third off, it's obviously not even her body, it's Ruth's. It just seems weird to me that a dead girl who was raped and has such issues with that would then steal someone else's body and have sex in it without her consent. Not only that but she thinks more than once that she hopes Ruth is watching(Grant it, one of those times she thinks that she says she hopes she's watching so she can see how beautiful she think's Ruth's body is but it is still weird to me lol). This is maybe the one scene I felt was handled better in the movie than in the book. But I'll get into that more later. It's one of those scene's your better off not analyzing too much and remembering it's just a book lol.
So now for reading group questions.
1. Although many readers remember the first lines of The Lovely Bones as "My name was Salmon, like the fish..." the novel's opening is actually a brief passage about a snow globe that Susie observed as a child. What is the significance of this beginning? In a "perfect world", it would seem, one is both imprisoned and protected. Is Susie's heaven a blessing or curse?
The significance of the beginning is that's basically where Susie ends up. I believe her heaven is both a blessing and a curse. In her heaven she is safe, she has everything she needs, and she has friends who understand what she's been through and help her work through the process. But she can see her friends and family but she can't help them to find her body or let know who killed her and help them find George Harvey. She can see the things they are going through but she can't help them. She can see them moving on and things changing without her.
2. In Susie's heaven, the dead enjoy a number of comforts and simple pleasures. Yet it is far from a perfect place-not all wishes can be granted, and many of the inhabitants are victims of crimes. Why do the heavens of different characters-e.g., Franny, Holly, Flora Hernandez-take such different forms? Is Sebold offering a rosy view of death and its aftermath? Or do you think she is saying something more profound about the individual experiences of loss and grief?
I think she is saying more about individual experience of loss and grief. The thing that stands out to me in this book is how different each character is and how they handle things differently. She seems to paint heaven as being a representation of the each person's life and the things that were important to them and the things they dreamed of. So that means each individual's heaven is different. There are places that overlap with others but no one's heaven is exactly a like, just like their lives weren't exactly alike. I mean it is a rosy nice thought that heaven would be like that but I don't think that was the point she was trying to make. But I guess you'd have to ask her if you want the real answer lol.
3. Rape is one of the most alienating experiences imaginable. Susie's rape ends in murder and changes her family and friends forever. Alienation is transferred, in a sense, to Susie's parents and siblings. How does each member of Susie's family experience loneliness and isolation after her death?
Her mom already felt isolated and lonely to a certain extent I think but after Susie's death everyone treated her differently but hardest for her I think was that her husband became consumed with finding Susie's murderer. She was left dealing with the brutal death of her daughter on her own. Her dad felt like the only one fighting to find out who killed her and he was treated differently by everyone. I think Buckley probably experienced it the least at first. But after his mom left and his dad was so consumed with finding Susie's killer, I thnk he experienced it the most. He was still a child and he needed his parents more than anyone and they couldn't be there for him. Lindsey had to attend the same schools Susie once did. She had to see her friends. She had to see people look at her not be able to think of anything but Susie and what happened to her. On top of that she too had to deal with her mother checking out and leaving and her dad being cosumed with finding out who killed Susie.
4. Ruth Connors inadvertently becomes Susie's main connection to Earth. How does this in turn change Ruth? Does it seem strange that someone who wasn't close to Susie during her life is so deeply affected by her death? Is Ruth's obsession with murdered girls exploitive of Susie's fate, or is healing in some way?
I'd say the main way it changes Ruth, is by helping her to accept the gift she was given and start to embrace it. It also helps her find a friend in Ray. In some ways it does seem strange that Ruth was so affected by her death but people who have the gifts she does tend me very sensitive. Also I think she probably sees how easily it could have been her instead of Susie. I don't think it's exploitive at all. As I already said I think Susie's death and what she saw that night helped her embrace her gift and I think what she does with the murdered girls she sees is her way of doing something good with her gift.
5. The Lovely Bones takes place in an American suburb in the 1970s. In what ways is this setting important to how the story unfolds? What is the significance of specific elements of Susie's landscape: the similar houses in her neighborhood, the remaining vestiges of old farmland, the sinkhole where Mr. Harvey hides her body? Why do you think the author chose this paticular time period? How might it be different if it were happening today?
To be honest, I don think the setting is that important to how the story unfolds nor do I think there is a significance to the specific elements of Susie's landscape. I have no idea why the author chose that paticular time period. The only way I can see where it would be different is now we have Amber alerts and other things to make it easier to hunt and investigate these type of crimes. Otherwise it would be still be very similar.
6. Susie's closest sibling, Lindsey, carries a unique burder as a result of her sister's death. What was the sisters' relationship like before the tragedy? What are the paticular expectations and pressures Lindsey must cope with? How does Susie's death change Lindsey?
Their relationship before the tragedy was very much like any other relationship between siblings. They had good times and bad. Lindsey has to deal with people feeling sorry for her but also with them seeing her sister in her. I feel like Lindsey became in a lot of ways much more closed off and untrusting.
7. How does Susie's view of sex change in the course of the novel? During her own life, she exchanges an almost chaste kiss with Ray. After her rape, she has the opportunity to observe her parents, Lindsey and Samuel, as well as her mother and Detective Fenerman. Is Susie's impression of sexuality altered by what she observes? How does her own experience with Ray and Ruth fit in?
I would say that before her rape she viewed sex as mostly a physical thing and after she saw it as more an emotional thing. I think her observations of people she loved having sex made her want to experience the emotional part of it. It made her want to experience sex as it was intended. Her experience with Ray and Ruth fit in because it was deeply emotional for her and Ray. It was what she always dreamed of her first time being.
8. How does Abigail cope with Susie's death? What does she seek in her interaction with Len Fenerman? What do you think of her decision to leave her family? Why does she return? Do you believe this is the right choice for her?
She doesn't cope with Susie's death. Her interaction was Len Fenerman was an attempt at distracting her from the pain of Susie's death. I think Abigail was struggling long before Susie's death and she couldn't deal with the pain she already had and the pain of losing Susie, so she tried to run away from it. She returns because she realizes she can't run from the pain beacuse the pain is inside of her and because she loves her husband and her kids and she can't escape that either. Yes I do believe it was the right choice for her.
9. Why does the author include scenes from Mr. Harvey's perspective including details about his childhood? Do these details help to humanize him or are they immaterial in view of the horrible nature of his crimes? What does Sebold's depiction of Mr Harvey say about the nature of evil?
I think the author includes scenes from Mr. Harvey's perspective and his childhood because it would be hard to understand how sick he is without them. Yes it helps to humanize him but I wouldn't say it humanizes him a way that makes him look better. It only shows what made him who he was. I think it says that evil is complicated.
10. Buckley claims to see Susie, though she never mentions consciously revealing herself to him. Do you believe he really sees her or does he make up these encounters in an attempt to cope with her death. How do you explain tragedy to a child? Do Jack and Abigail do a good job of helping Buckley understand the loss of his sister?
I think he might have really seen her some times and some of the encounters might have benen made up. Kids are more sensitive to seeing things. I think you have to be honest but age appropriate with telling children about tragedy. I think you need to be open and be ready to answer their questions. No I don't really think they did do a good job of helping him understand the loss of his sister. They let him believe for months that she was just away at someone else's house. Even after they finally explained it to him, he was left to deal with it mostly alone. Jack and Abigail were so consumed by their own grief, they just couldn't seem to deal with Buckley or Lindsey's grief.
11. In The Lovely Bones, adult relationships(Abigail and Jack, Rays parents, Len and Abigail) are dysfunctional and troubled while the relationships of the younger people(Lindsey and Samuel, Ray and Susie, Ray and Ruth) seem to have depth, maturity, and potential. Is this a naive view of young love? Or do the younger characters in the book hae an advantage over adults?
This is one of the things I found weird about this book. I do feel like the younger characters have an advantage and that advantage is simply put, less baggage. But I also think some of it is kind of a naive view of young love.
12. Does Jack Salmon allow himself to be swallowed up by his grief? Is there a point where he should let go? Susie observes that "The living deserve attention too." Does Jack's grief increase his family's suffering, or is there something admirable about him holding on so tightly to Susie's memory and not denying his profound sadness?
Yes he does. I don't think letting go in a situation like that is possible. Yes his grief does increase his family's suffering, especially when he went into the wheat field and got beat up so bad. But also because he becomes so consumed with his grief and finding answers, that he puts his family on the back burner. But I do find it admirable that even after everyone else was ready to let go and move on, he was still set on getting justice for his little girl.
13. One of the most talked about scenes in the book is Ray and Susie's lovemaking (via Ruth's body). What is the significance of this experience for Susie? For Ruth? For Ray? Is it difficult to make this leap of faith with Susie? What do you think the importance of this episode is in this book?
The significance for Susie is she gets to experience sex on her terms and she gets to experience having a mature body when she otherwise wouldn't have. For Ruth, I'm not sure. For Ray, I think it kind of allows him to have some closure and to close that chapter in his life. Yes very difficult. I guess the importance of it to the book is, Susie found a way to escape her perfect heaven and be human again for just a bit.
14. Mr. Harvey dies in a way that seems to indicate a larger justice a work. Certainly his victims rejoice from Heaven at his demise. But does his death really bring justice to those he hurt? Can it compensate them for what they have lost? Why do you think the author chose not have Mr. Harvey apprehended by the police? Why is Susie's body never found?
In my opinion, no it doesn't really bring justice. Justice would've been facing the families of the girls who he killed. No it doesn't compensate them for what they've lost. They are still dead. They still died in a terrible way. Their families and friends lives were still destroyed. I think the author chose to not have Mr. Harvey apprehended by the police or have Susie's body found because when you get down to it, neither would've changed anything.
15. Even in heaven, Susie must move through different stages of dealing with her death and its aftermath. What forms does her progress take? Why is she not allowed to meet Mr. Harvey's other victims right away? How does Susie's journey mirror that of the people she has left behind on Earth?
Her progress takes on many different emotions very similar to the emotions of her family. Sadness, fear, anger, and acceptance just to name a few. I think she had to be in the right place to get the most out of the meeting. Her journey is very very similar to the journey of the people she left behind on Earth. The emotions she went through were the same that they went through.
16. What is the significance of the novel's title? What does Susie mean when she refers to the "lovely bones"?
I think of it as when you break a bone, new bone forms to fix the damage done and make the bone strong again. It will always look different but it will work and it will be strong and it will be able to do it's job. The lovely bones she was refering to was the healing the people she loved had done and were doing. They'd never be the same as they were before her death but they were able to go on and be strong and do the things they needed and wanted to do.
Okay to do some comparing of the film and book.
I felt like unlike some films based on books, they kept to the story very well with this one. There were little changes like in the movie Susie and Ray never kiss. In the book they do. The scene where Ruth gets in trouble for her drawing is different. The timeline is altered in places. In the movie, Ruth's family owns the land where the sink hole is. In the book, another family owns it and Ruth is just interested in the sink hole. In the movie, Mr. Harvey holds on to Susie's body for awhile and in the book he gets rid of it almost immediatly(part of the change in the timeline). The scene where she is killed is understandably toned way way way down in the movie as compared to the book. So most of the differences are small and they kept very close to the book.
There are four big differences that I can think of. In the book how Holly died is never mentioned. She is never mentioned to be one of Mr. Harvey's victims. But in the movie she is one of his victims. The other is in the book when Susie enters Ruth's body her and Ray have sex and in the movie they kiss and it's a much shorter encounter. There is also no mention of Ruth going to Susie's heaven. Also Susie seems much more confused about what happened to her in the movie than she does in the book. In the book, she seems to know immediatly she's dead and he killed her. In the movie, there is a moment when she is in the bathroom of Mr. Harvey's house and he's taking a bath and there is mud and blood everywhere that she suddenly seems to understand what's happened. Also in the book Mr. Harvey claims to be a widower and he uses the names of his victims as his pretend dead wife's name and in the movie he claims to be divorced.
I don't understand the need to make Holly one of his victims in the movie but I don't hate it either, if that makes sense lol. I much prefer the way the body entering scene is done in the movie as compared to the book. It's much more believable in the movie than it is in the book for me. I have zero opinion on the difference in Susie's confusion lol. I think the way the book handles Mr. Harvey's pretend martial status is better but that's just a personal opinion.
I guess that is all for this blog! I'll hopefully be back soon with another. Hopefully I'll get the motivation to get back to my 100 Days of Happiness soon lol. We'll see what happens!
So I first want to say that I love books with reading group guides and questions in them. I'm not in any reading groups or book clubs or anything(although I'd like to be, just none around here that I know of) but I feel like reading that stuff before I read the book and then coming back to it after I read the book helps me to really dive deeper into a book and understand it.
So the book I'm doing in this entry is "The Lovely Bones" by Alice Sebold. I know there is a movie based on this book and I've seen it and I love it. So I'll do a little comparing at the end.
"The Lovely Bones" is a book about the rape and murder of 14 year old Susie Salmon. She is the narrator and she is narrating from her heaven. The book jumps back and forth between memories from before her murder(also some scenes of her murder) to the aftermath of her murder.
It follows her family and her friends as they make their way through the winding awful road that is grief. It shows how all of their lives are completely and permanently changed. There are many books and movies that do that. But what makes this book unique is as previously mentioned it's narrated by Susie and follows her road of dealing with what has happened to her and what is happening to her family and friends and as the book goes on how she deals with the fact that her family, friends, and the world she left are all changing and moving on without her.
I love love love this book. I've read it several times now and every time I feel different when I finish it and I notice different things. I find that all of the characters are well thought out, well rounded, interesting, and unique characters. In some books the characters feel like the same person, just different names. But this is not one of those books. The characters are all very different from each other. They are deep well developed characters.
The story line is great. It's a story line that has been done many times but the author tackles it in a completely unique way. It's full of hidden messages and hidden connections you might not notice the first or even second or third time you read it. As I mentioned I always notice something new.
So let's talk about some things I'm not as wild about.
There are small things like the fact that Susie's killer dies without ever being caught and held accountable for what he did to her and many other girls and that her body is dumped in the sink hole and never found. I get it though, it works for the message in this story. Also the reality is tons of people never have a body for their missing loved one and many many murders go unsolved. So it makes sense and is realistic. But that doesn't mean I don't want to see her body found and the creep caught lol.
I also think the way the author handled relationships is weird(I'll get into more over that when I answer the questions).
The big thing I don't like is towards the end of the book there is a scene where the guy(Ray) Susie liked and was just starting to date when she died and a girl(Ruth) who saw her spirit when she died(she became good friends with Ray after Susie's death) come back to town like 8.5 years after her death because they are going to fill in the sink hole and the sink hole is something that has always interested Ruth and she wants to see it before they fill it in and she wants Ray to come with her. So after they look at the sink hole, Ray goes to collect flowers for his mom and suddenly Susie enters Ruth's body and Ruth goes to heaven. She(Susie in Ruth's body) takes him to a bike shop and they have sex basically like rabbits for awhile and then of course she has to go back to her heaven and Ruth has to come back.
On the surface, it's kind of a romantic sweet moment. But the more I think about the scene the less I like it. First off, it seems weird to me that a guy would still be hung up on a girl he had a crush on at 14 as a grown man. Second off, Susie is of course stuck at 14 years old and he is now an adult. Third off, it's obviously not even her body, it's Ruth's. It just seems weird to me that a dead girl who was raped and has such issues with that would then steal someone else's body and have sex in it without her consent. Not only that but she thinks more than once that she hopes Ruth is watching(Grant it, one of those times she thinks that she says she hopes she's watching so she can see how beautiful she think's Ruth's body is but it is still weird to me lol). This is maybe the one scene I felt was handled better in the movie than in the book. But I'll get into that more later. It's one of those scene's your better off not analyzing too much and remembering it's just a book lol.
So now for reading group questions.
1. Although many readers remember the first lines of The Lovely Bones as "My name was Salmon, like the fish..." the novel's opening is actually a brief passage about a snow globe that Susie observed as a child. What is the significance of this beginning? In a "perfect world", it would seem, one is both imprisoned and protected. Is Susie's heaven a blessing or curse?
The significance of the beginning is that's basically where Susie ends up. I believe her heaven is both a blessing and a curse. In her heaven she is safe, she has everything she needs, and she has friends who understand what she's been through and help her work through the process. But she can see her friends and family but she can't help them to find her body or let know who killed her and help them find George Harvey. She can see the things they are going through but she can't help them. She can see them moving on and things changing without her.
2. In Susie's heaven, the dead enjoy a number of comforts and simple pleasures. Yet it is far from a perfect place-not all wishes can be granted, and many of the inhabitants are victims of crimes. Why do the heavens of different characters-e.g., Franny, Holly, Flora Hernandez-take such different forms? Is Sebold offering a rosy view of death and its aftermath? Or do you think she is saying something more profound about the individual experiences of loss and grief?
I think she is saying more about individual experience of loss and grief. The thing that stands out to me in this book is how different each character is and how they handle things differently. She seems to paint heaven as being a representation of the each person's life and the things that were important to them and the things they dreamed of. So that means each individual's heaven is different. There are places that overlap with others but no one's heaven is exactly a like, just like their lives weren't exactly alike. I mean it is a rosy nice thought that heaven would be like that but I don't think that was the point she was trying to make. But I guess you'd have to ask her if you want the real answer lol.
3. Rape is one of the most alienating experiences imaginable. Susie's rape ends in murder and changes her family and friends forever. Alienation is transferred, in a sense, to Susie's parents and siblings. How does each member of Susie's family experience loneliness and isolation after her death?
Her mom already felt isolated and lonely to a certain extent I think but after Susie's death everyone treated her differently but hardest for her I think was that her husband became consumed with finding Susie's murderer. She was left dealing with the brutal death of her daughter on her own. Her dad felt like the only one fighting to find out who killed her and he was treated differently by everyone. I think Buckley probably experienced it the least at first. But after his mom left and his dad was so consumed with finding Susie's killer, I thnk he experienced it the most. He was still a child and he needed his parents more than anyone and they couldn't be there for him. Lindsey had to attend the same schools Susie once did. She had to see her friends. She had to see people look at her not be able to think of anything but Susie and what happened to her. On top of that she too had to deal with her mother checking out and leaving and her dad being cosumed with finding out who killed Susie.
4. Ruth Connors inadvertently becomes Susie's main connection to Earth. How does this in turn change Ruth? Does it seem strange that someone who wasn't close to Susie during her life is so deeply affected by her death? Is Ruth's obsession with murdered girls exploitive of Susie's fate, or is healing in some way?
I'd say the main way it changes Ruth, is by helping her to accept the gift she was given and start to embrace it. It also helps her find a friend in Ray. In some ways it does seem strange that Ruth was so affected by her death but people who have the gifts she does tend me very sensitive. Also I think she probably sees how easily it could have been her instead of Susie. I don't think it's exploitive at all. As I already said I think Susie's death and what she saw that night helped her embrace her gift and I think what she does with the murdered girls she sees is her way of doing something good with her gift.
5. The Lovely Bones takes place in an American suburb in the 1970s. In what ways is this setting important to how the story unfolds? What is the significance of specific elements of Susie's landscape: the similar houses in her neighborhood, the remaining vestiges of old farmland, the sinkhole where Mr. Harvey hides her body? Why do you think the author chose this paticular time period? How might it be different if it were happening today?
To be honest, I don think the setting is that important to how the story unfolds nor do I think there is a significance to the specific elements of Susie's landscape. I have no idea why the author chose that paticular time period. The only way I can see where it would be different is now we have Amber alerts and other things to make it easier to hunt and investigate these type of crimes. Otherwise it would be still be very similar.
6. Susie's closest sibling, Lindsey, carries a unique burder as a result of her sister's death. What was the sisters' relationship like before the tragedy? What are the paticular expectations and pressures Lindsey must cope with? How does Susie's death change Lindsey?
Their relationship before the tragedy was very much like any other relationship between siblings. They had good times and bad. Lindsey has to deal with people feeling sorry for her but also with them seeing her sister in her. I feel like Lindsey became in a lot of ways much more closed off and untrusting.
7. How does Susie's view of sex change in the course of the novel? During her own life, she exchanges an almost chaste kiss with Ray. After her rape, she has the opportunity to observe her parents, Lindsey and Samuel, as well as her mother and Detective Fenerman. Is Susie's impression of sexuality altered by what she observes? How does her own experience with Ray and Ruth fit in?
I would say that before her rape she viewed sex as mostly a physical thing and after she saw it as more an emotional thing. I think her observations of people she loved having sex made her want to experience the emotional part of it. It made her want to experience sex as it was intended. Her experience with Ray and Ruth fit in because it was deeply emotional for her and Ray. It was what she always dreamed of her first time being.
8. How does Abigail cope with Susie's death? What does she seek in her interaction with Len Fenerman? What do you think of her decision to leave her family? Why does she return? Do you believe this is the right choice for her?
She doesn't cope with Susie's death. Her interaction was Len Fenerman was an attempt at distracting her from the pain of Susie's death. I think Abigail was struggling long before Susie's death and she couldn't deal with the pain she already had and the pain of losing Susie, so she tried to run away from it. She returns because she realizes she can't run from the pain beacuse the pain is inside of her and because she loves her husband and her kids and she can't escape that either. Yes I do believe it was the right choice for her.
9. Why does the author include scenes from Mr. Harvey's perspective including details about his childhood? Do these details help to humanize him or are they immaterial in view of the horrible nature of his crimes? What does Sebold's depiction of Mr Harvey say about the nature of evil?
I think the author includes scenes from Mr. Harvey's perspective and his childhood because it would be hard to understand how sick he is without them. Yes it helps to humanize him but I wouldn't say it humanizes him a way that makes him look better. It only shows what made him who he was. I think it says that evil is complicated.
10. Buckley claims to see Susie, though she never mentions consciously revealing herself to him. Do you believe he really sees her or does he make up these encounters in an attempt to cope with her death. How do you explain tragedy to a child? Do Jack and Abigail do a good job of helping Buckley understand the loss of his sister?
I think he might have really seen her some times and some of the encounters might have benen made up. Kids are more sensitive to seeing things. I think you have to be honest but age appropriate with telling children about tragedy. I think you need to be open and be ready to answer their questions. No I don't really think they did do a good job of helping him understand the loss of his sister. They let him believe for months that she was just away at someone else's house. Even after they finally explained it to him, he was left to deal with it mostly alone. Jack and Abigail were so consumed by their own grief, they just couldn't seem to deal with Buckley or Lindsey's grief.
11. In The Lovely Bones, adult relationships(Abigail and Jack, Rays parents, Len and Abigail) are dysfunctional and troubled while the relationships of the younger people(Lindsey and Samuel, Ray and Susie, Ray and Ruth) seem to have depth, maturity, and potential. Is this a naive view of young love? Or do the younger characters in the book hae an advantage over adults?
This is one of the things I found weird about this book. I do feel like the younger characters have an advantage and that advantage is simply put, less baggage. But I also think some of it is kind of a naive view of young love.
12. Does Jack Salmon allow himself to be swallowed up by his grief? Is there a point where he should let go? Susie observes that "The living deserve attention too." Does Jack's grief increase his family's suffering, or is there something admirable about him holding on so tightly to Susie's memory and not denying his profound sadness?
Yes he does. I don't think letting go in a situation like that is possible. Yes his grief does increase his family's suffering, especially when he went into the wheat field and got beat up so bad. But also because he becomes so consumed with his grief and finding answers, that he puts his family on the back burner. But I do find it admirable that even after everyone else was ready to let go and move on, he was still set on getting justice for his little girl.
13. One of the most talked about scenes in the book is Ray and Susie's lovemaking (via Ruth's body). What is the significance of this experience for Susie? For Ruth? For Ray? Is it difficult to make this leap of faith with Susie? What do you think the importance of this episode is in this book?
The significance for Susie is she gets to experience sex on her terms and she gets to experience having a mature body when she otherwise wouldn't have. For Ruth, I'm not sure. For Ray, I think it kind of allows him to have some closure and to close that chapter in his life. Yes very difficult. I guess the importance of it to the book is, Susie found a way to escape her perfect heaven and be human again for just a bit.
14. Mr. Harvey dies in a way that seems to indicate a larger justice a work. Certainly his victims rejoice from Heaven at his demise. But does his death really bring justice to those he hurt? Can it compensate them for what they have lost? Why do you think the author chose not have Mr. Harvey apprehended by the police? Why is Susie's body never found?
In my opinion, no it doesn't really bring justice. Justice would've been facing the families of the girls who he killed. No it doesn't compensate them for what they've lost. They are still dead. They still died in a terrible way. Their families and friends lives were still destroyed. I think the author chose to not have Mr. Harvey apprehended by the police or have Susie's body found because when you get down to it, neither would've changed anything.
15. Even in heaven, Susie must move through different stages of dealing with her death and its aftermath. What forms does her progress take? Why is she not allowed to meet Mr. Harvey's other victims right away? How does Susie's journey mirror that of the people she has left behind on Earth?
Her progress takes on many different emotions very similar to the emotions of her family. Sadness, fear, anger, and acceptance just to name a few. I think she had to be in the right place to get the most out of the meeting. Her journey is very very similar to the journey of the people she left behind on Earth. The emotions she went through were the same that they went through.
16. What is the significance of the novel's title? What does Susie mean when she refers to the "lovely bones"?
I think of it as when you break a bone, new bone forms to fix the damage done and make the bone strong again. It will always look different but it will work and it will be strong and it will be able to do it's job. The lovely bones she was refering to was the healing the people she loved had done and were doing. They'd never be the same as they were before her death but they were able to go on and be strong and do the things they needed and wanted to do.
Okay to do some comparing of the film and book.
I felt like unlike some films based on books, they kept to the story very well with this one. There were little changes like in the movie Susie and Ray never kiss. In the book they do. The scene where Ruth gets in trouble for her drawing is different. The timeline is altered in places. In the movie, Ruth's family owns the land where the sink hole is. In the book, another family owns it and Ruth is just interested in the sink hole. In the movie, Mr. Harvey holds on to Susie's body for awhile and in the book he gets rid of it almost immediatly(part of the change in the timeline). The scene where she is killed is understandably toned way way way down in the movie as compared to the book. So most of the differences are small and they kept very close to the book.
There are four big differences that I can think of. In the book how Holly died is never mentioned. She is never mentioned to be one of Mr. Harvey's victims. But in the movie she is one of his victims. The other is in the book when Susie enters Ruth's body her and Ray have sex and in the movie they kiss and it's a much shorter encounter. There is also no mention of Ruth going to Susie's heaven. Also Susie seems much more confused about what happened to her in the movie than she does in the book. In the book, she seems to know immediatly she's dead and he killed her. In the movie, there is a moment when she is in the bathroom of Mr. Harvey's house and he's taking a bath and there is mud and blood everywhere that she suddenly seems to understand what's happened. Also in the book Mr. Harvey claims to be a widower and he uses the names of his victims as his pretend dead wife's name and in the movie he claims to be divorced.
I don't understand the need to make Holly one of his victims in the movie but I don't hate it either, if that makes sense lol. I much prefer the way the body entering scene is done in the movie as compared to the book. It's much more believable in the movie than it is in the book for me. I have zero opinion on the difference in Susie's confusion lol. I think the way the book handles Mr. Harvey's pretend martial status is better but that's just a personal opinion.
I guess that is all for this blog! I'll hopefully be back soon with another. Hopefully I'll get the motivation to get back to my 100 Days of Happiness soon lol. We'll see what happens!
Sunday, May 14, 2017
Happy Mother's Day
I'm going to venture away from my 100 Days of Happiness for this post. As you probably know, today is Mother's Day. I've noticed in the last I guess 5 years or so that this holiday has become a ball of mixed emotions for me and this year has been the worst yet.
On one hand Mother's Day is great. I have an amazing mother who I am incredibly blessed to have and thankful for. My sister is a wonderful mother to my amazing nephews. My grandmother is a wonderful mother and grandmother. I love many other women are wonderful strong women and amazing mothers. They all deserve to be celebrated and I enjoy honoring them. I would never for a second think of not honoring them and enjoying this day with them or making this day about myself and my sadness.
But it also doesn't mean I don't feel sad. As long as I can remember I've wanted to be a mother. I dreamed of the day I'd find out I was pregnant, the day I'd tell my family, the first time hearing the heartbeat, the first time feeling the baby move, finding out if it was a boy or a girl, a beautiful baby shower, giving birth and seeing that baby for the first time, the first smile, the first laugh, crawling, first steps, first words, first "I love you mommy", and everything else. I dreamed of a big family but at this point I'd be happy with just one child.
I'm only 29 and it certainly still could happen but every year that passes it feels like that dream is slipping further and further away. It's like a piece of my heart that never existed is missing. It's just a jagged hole. Most of the time the hole is easy to ignore and put out of mind. But this is the one day of the year that, that hole really aches and reminds me of it's presence. This year for some reason the ache is even worse. I don't really know why. I just know today my arms feel a little more empty and that hole a little bigger and a little more raw. It's crazy how your heart can break from the thought of a child that never existed.
I know I'm not the only one who feel sadness on this day. The are many many many people who have lost their mom. There are many many many mom's who have lost a child. There are many many many women who so long to be a mother and is hasn't happened yet . To these people I would say, it's okay to feel whatever you feel. To those who love someone who feels a little bit or a lot of sadness on this day, be patient. The human heart is a funny thing.
To all the mother's who are lucky enough to have children to celebrate with today, happy Mother's Day! Please don't take a single second with your child for granted it. I know children(young or old) can be frustrating. They'll break your heart. They'll scare you to death. But there are a whole lot of us who would love to experience those highs and lows and may never get to.
On one hand Mother's Day is great. I have an amazing mother who I am incredibly blessed to have and thankful for. My sister is a wonderful mother to my amazing nephews. My grandmother is a wonderful mother and grandmother. I love many other women are wonderful strong women and amazing mothers. They all deserve to be celebrated and I enjoy honoring them. I would never for a second think of not honoring them and enjoying this day with them or making this day about myself and my sadness.
But it also doesn't mean I don't feel sad. As long as I can remember I've wanted to be a mother. I dreamed of the day I'd find out I was pregnant, the day I'd tell my family, the first time hearing the heartbeat, the first time feeling the baby move, finding out if it was a boy or a girl, a beautiful baby shower, giving birth and seeing that baby for the first time, the first smile, the first laugh, crawling, first steps, first words, first "I love you mommy", and everything else. I dreamed of a big family but at this point I'd be happy with just one child.
I'm only 29 and it certainly still could happen but every year that passes it feels like that dream is slipping further and further away. It's like a piece of my heart that never existed is missing. It's just a jagged hole. Most of the time the hole is easy to ignore and put out of mind. But this is the one day of the year that, that hole really aches and reminds me of it's presence. This year for some reason the ache is even worse. I don't really know why. I just know today my arms feel a little more empty and that hole a little bigger and a little more raw. It's crazy how your heart can break from the thought of a child that never existed.
I know I'm not the only one who feel sadness on this day. The are many many many people who have lost their mom. There are many many many mom's who have lost a child. There are many many many women who so long to be a mother and is hasn't happened yet . To these people I would say, it's okay to feel whatever you feel. To those who love someone who feels a little bit or a lot of sadness on this day, be patient. The human heart is a funny thing.
To all the mother's who are lucky enough to have children to celebrate with today, happy Mother's Day! Please don't take a single second with your child for granted it. I know children(young or old) can be frustrating. They'll break your heart. They'll scare you to death. But there are a whole lot of us who would love to experience those highs and lows and may never get to.
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