Happy Mother's Day

I'm going to venture away from my 100 Days of Happiness for this post. As you probably know, today is Mother's Day. I've noticed in the last I guess 5 years or so that this holiday has become a ball of mixed emotions for me and this year has been the worst yet.

On one hand Mother's Day is great. I have an amazing mother who I am incredibly blessed to have and thankful for. My sister is a wonderful mother to my amazing nephews. My grandmother is a wonderful mother and grandmother. I love many other women are wonderful strong women and amazing mothers. They all deserve to be celebrated and I enjoy honoring them. I would never for a second think of not honoring them and enjoying this day with them or making this day about myself and my sadness.

But it also doesn't mean I don't feel sad. As long as I can remember I've wanted to be a mother. I dreamed of the day I'd find out I was pregnant, the day I'd tell my family, the first time hearing the heartbeat, the first time feeling the baby move, finding out if it was a boy or a girl, a beautiful baby shower, giving birth and seeing that baby for the first time, the first smile, the first laugh, crawling, first steps, first words, first "I love you mommy", and everything else. I dreamed of a big family but at this point I'd be happy with just one child.

I'm only 29 and it certainly still could happen but every year that passes it feels like that dream is slipping further and further away. It's like a piece of my heart that never existed is missing. It's just a jagged hole. Most of the time the hole is easy to ignore and put out of mind. But this is the one day of the year that, that hole really aches and reminds me of it's presence.  This year for some reason the ache is even worse. I don't really know why. I just know today my arms feel a little more empty and that hole a little bigger and a little more raw. It's crazy how your heart can break from the thought of a child that never existed.

I know I'm not the only one who feel sadness on this day. The are many many many people who have lost their mom. There are many many many mom's who have lost a child. There are many many many women who so long to be a mother and is hasn't happened yet . To these people I would say, it's okay to feel whatever you feel.  To those who love someone who feels a little bit or a lot of sadness on this day, be patient. The human heart is a funny thing.

To all the mother's who are lucky enough to have children to celebrate with today, happy Mother's Day! Please don't take a single second with your child for granted it. I know children(young or old) can be frustrating. They'll break your heart. They'll scare you to death. But there are a whole lot of us who would love to experience those highs and lows and may never get to.