"Some shit storms are just shit storms"

I don't know where this is going to go or how long it's going to be or what I'm going to say, so be warned :).

I've been struggling for awhile with the whole "everything happens for a reason" line. I used to tell people that. I used to believe it. Now I think about some of the times I said it and I cringe! There are a couple of people I wish I could go to and say "I was cold and dismissive and I'm very sorry. I wish I would've said I'm sorry and that I loved you and I was here if you needed me" but they'd probably think I was nuts and who knows maybe I am.

So quick disclaimer I'm not preaching at anyone or trying to tell anyone how they should feel about that line. I'm just expressing something that I feel. I know most people who say it, say it with the best of intentions and to try to make someone feel better and I'm not judging anyone else for saying it.

So I guess you're probably wondering how I got to this point. About a year and half ago something happened that completely crushed my heart. I'm not going to discuss the details or the how or whys(frankly I still don't understand most of the hows or whys). But I will say it was something that I realized quickly most people didn't understand why it was so crushing for me. I didn't discuss it with a lot of people but when I did I got lot of chirping crickets, blank stares, and "Okay...". I think the fact that so many of the people around me just didn't understand how badly I'd been hurt, made for some weird and hurtful comments. It also made me even more sensitive about the situation and my feelings about the situation. Within a day or two I just stopped talking about it

But before I did I had someone who had the best of intentions in their heart say "I know you're upset now but everything happens for a reason." That was probably the first time I have ever experienced pain from that line and suddenly a thousand instances flashed into my head of times I'd used that line and probably made someone feel the way I was feeling right then and it crushed me even further.

I have a soft gooey heart, especially for the people who are special to me. I hate seeing the people who are special to me hurting. I'm also very sensitive to the people around me and I often times know something's wrong with someone or their hurting or scared or going through a hard time or whatever without being told. Which is both good and bad. It's good because I often times can let someone know I'm thinking of them and I love them before I even know what is going on and/or before they're ready to share and/or they never intend to share. But the bad side is knowing someone I love is hurting and they don't feel comfortable talking to me and not knowing how to support them, it sucks. But all of that leads to me being in this desperate search for the right words. I want to make everything all better. I find myself constantly reminding myself, there are just some things I can't make better no matter what I say. But in the past in that desperation I've said some pretty crazy things including "Everything happens for a reason".

So in that moment when my heart was desperately looking for some comfort  and I got "Everything happens for a reason",  I realized I'd been using that line to avoid people's emotions and pain. My heart desperately needed to hear "I'm so sorry someone hurt you like that. I love you and I'm here if you need me." I realized sometimes less is more. The idea that my words had made someone feel what I was feeling in that moment made me just sick and again there are people I truly wish I could go to and apologize without looking like a moron.

The reality is I don't believe everything happens for reason. There isn't a single thing you could get or learn from losing a child that would make it okay. The same thing can be said for many different situations for many different people.  Some shit storms are just shit storms. The only reason some things happen is because we are flawed human beings with flawed bodies living in a flawed world with other flawed human beings.

So I've been trying to do a better job of just letting people know I care and I'm here if they need me.  It's still hard for me to accept that I can't fix everyone's problems or make everyone feel better with my words. But I definitely take more time to think about what I say before I say anything.  I've also been trying to do a better job just allowing myself to feel what I feel and not trying to change those feelings because someone else might think they are wrong. I know everything happening for a reason brings comfort for some people. But for me it felt like more work. It felt like I was being told to just forget about my feelings and look for a deeper magical meaning. It felt like I was being told my feelings were wrong. I know that's not what most people mean but that's how it's always felt to me.

Don't ever let anyone make you believe your feelings are wrong or too strong. You are allowed to feel whatever you feel about a situation. Don't worry about trying to find some kind of magical meaning or lesson to be found or learned in every situation. The only thing you should do is concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other. You are allowed to break down and cry. Just don't give up because in my experience shit storms can't last forever :).  It's easy to wish those bad times away but don't do it. Sometimes the best moments in your life happen in a flash in the midst of the deepest darkest shit storms and if you're so busy wishing time away or looking for magical deeper meaning, you might just miss those moments :).

Part 2 of Gilmore Girls: A year in the life, Summer and Fall

Time for part 2! Let's hop right into it :).

Summer
Things I loved about Summer:

I love that Lorelai seems to have gotten to know and have a relationship with April. I loved seeing Carol King back as Sophie. I loved Rory being editor of the Stars Hollow Gazette and the scene where her and Lorelai are delivering papers was probably the best scene in Summer. I love that Rory had Doyle write for the paper. The oath before the musical was hilarious. I loved seeing Carol King(or Sophie lol) sing and play the piano. The part where the actress gripes at Lorelai about her opinions reminds me of the ballerina at Yale who came after Rory lol. I love that Rory writing a book was Jess's idea. For some reason I loved when Lorelai put Rory on hold to Google something lol. The new song for the musical was amazing and made me cry!

Things I didn't like about Summer:

April! I'm not one of those people who didn't like her in the original series. I actually liked her a lot. She was brilliant and extremely well spoken and well rounded. I loved watching Luke as a father as well. But in the special they might as well have bleached her hair blonde(I feel the need to point out here that I am a blonde and I hate blonde jokes lol). She was weird and ditzy and communicated like a 13 year old. I just didn't get it. If there was one thing I could change about the special that would be it. The idea of Michel leaving the Dragonfly breaks my heart. Emily sleeping until noon made me sad. The musical was funny and totally Taylor and Stars Hollow but it was too long in my opinion. Lorelai's reaction to Rory's book confused me. Watching Lorelai and Luke fight made me sad. I get the need to get away and do something out of the ordinary but it was still sad to think of Lorelai leaving.

Fall

Things I loved about Fall:

Watching Lorelai try to pack her pack was as funny as I thought it would be. She is certainly not a nature person. The multiple locks on the door at the gazette reminded me of the apartment Rory, Paris, and Doyle lived in, in college. I loved Luke getting advice from Jess. It was great to see Collin and Finn again. I love that Rory decided to write at Emily and Richard's. That scene where is walking about their house was so emotional for me for some reason. I loved that Lauren Graham's boyfriend played a park ranger. Lorelai calling Emily and telling her, her favorite story about her dad was beautiful and yet incredibly heartbreaking. It was certainly one of the top moments for me and I bawled like a baby. I loved the scene where Emily kept saying "Bullshit" during the DAR meeting. The journey Emily took during this special was incredible. I loved that Miss Silene helped with their wedding clothes. I loved when Lorelai asked Emily for money to buy a bigger building for the Dragonfly and Emily quoted Richard exactly. "You need money", "You need money", "You need money". It was like when Lorelai asked for money for Chilton all over.  Lorelai's reaction to Sookie being back was amazing! I know a lot of  people felt their chemistry was off but I don't agree. Seeing them together made me melt!! Finally getting to see Sookie was great! I loved all the cakes she made. But the last one and the stories behind all the stuff on it was amazing :). I loved Emily working at the whale museum. It was the first time in the special that she seemed truly happy. I loved that Lorelai finally came around to the book and that she told her to drop the "the". I personally loved the wedding scene. I loved that it was small and simple. I loved that they used the same music from Lorelai and Luke's first dance. I loved that they got married in the gazebo. I loved the giant key that unlocked the door to where they got married. I loved the black hat. They could've taken it from Amy's closet lol. I loved that the last scene was just Lorelai and Rory. Honestly I'm in the minority I think but I loved the ending. It was the way it was supposed to end.

Things I didn't like about Fall:
The Life and Death Brigade scene was a little long for my liking. The meeting between Rory and Christopher was really awkward. But it made more sense after seeing the end. It was so sad to think of Emily selling her house. I wish Sookie could've been at the little wedding.

I'm kind of surprised how few things I didn't like about Fall lol.

I know lots of people hated the end and hated Rory and hated we didn't see Luke and Lorelai's big wedding. But I wasn't one of them. The end to me was a surprise at first but made perfect sense after I thought about it. Everything came full circle. I've had people say "Rory was supposed to have more." She was and did. Rory is in her 30s, she has a college degree, she's traveled the world, she's writing a book. Rory has seen and done lots more than Lorelai. I feel like people like to gloss over who Rory was in the original series(especially the last few seasons). Rory was incredibly smart but she made crazy decisions and sometimes straight up bad decisions. Rory always had a hard time figuring out what she wanted. Rory in the special was Rory. As far as Luke and Lorelai's wedding, I loved it! I always pictured their wedding being small and magical and it was.

Overall I loved Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life. I know people think because of how it ended that there will be more. I'm not so sure. I don't really care if there is. If this is how it ends, I'm good. If they make more I'd enjoy those too. To be honest, if they couldn't get Melissa McCarthy on board, I'd almost rather they didn't make anymore lol.

I know they'll never read this or care but I'm so unbelieveably grateful for Amy Sherman- Palladino and Daniel Palladino for creating this show and for writing the special. They did a fantastic job. My favorite quote from the special was "I want to remember it all, every detail." That's how I felt about this special. I did my best to soak up every minute and every detail. It is incredibly rare, pretty much unheard of, for a show to get this chance! Well done Amy and Daniel, Netflix, the other people who worked on lights, sounds, props, sets(the sets were so amazing and so close to the orginals, it blew me away!) and all the other behind the scenes stuff, and the actors!

Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life Part 1(there will be spoilers)

   I put it in the title but I will say it again, this blog will contain spoilers for Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life. If you haven't watched it and plan to(why haven't you lol) and don't want anything spoiled exit now :).  I'm doing this in two parts. This part will be a little overview of my opinion on it and specific things I liked and didn't like about Winter and Spring.

  I have now watched each part twice. The first time I watched two one day and two the next. I just watched and really took them in and enjoyed them. The second time I spent a little more time watching and taking notes. I'm sure you don't care about that but there it is anyway if you care lol.

  Overall I loved them all! I truly felt it was the last season the show should have had. I know one of the top priorities with this was to honor Edward Hermann/Richard Gilmore and Amy Sherman-Palladino and her husband Daniel Palladino out did themselves in that department. You could tell the love and pain they portrayed was real in both the writing and the faces of Kelly Bishop, Lauren Graham, and Alexis Bledel. I'm sure he is smiling down and proud of them and the special they all created.

But he was missed. I felt super emotional watching the parts about Richard's death. Edward Hermann was a great man and so was Richard Gilmore and the world is certainly darker without them.

So let's hop into the individual parts!

Winter

Things I loved about Winter:

I loved Gypsy kicking Lorelai's car and hating on it. It was a nice connection to the original series. I loved that they put a Friday night dinner in pretty early on. I've missed those! I loved the huge picture of Richard. He was a big character and personality and he deserved a big picture.  The funeral scene was great! It was sad and yet did a great job honoring Richard. It was the first of many times I cried. I loved that Paris was a fertility specialist(and that she took it so seriously just like she does everything else lol). At first I wasn't thrilled but after watching it a second time I was like you know Paris was always one to do things you'd never expect and it works. I felt the same about the Logan and Rory story line. At first, I was like no, no no! But Rory never was good at letting people go and making clean break ups and Logan could never completely break free from his family. The combination made for this story line. Rory always wanted to love Logan and be married to him but it just wasn't right( much like Lorelai and Christopher). I love seeing Emily trick Lorelai into therapy. It was like a flash of the old Emily.

Things I didn't like about Winter:
I didn't like the lack of Sookie. I get it, Melissa McCarthy is a big name actress with a full schedule. She didn't have time to shoot more than that. But she as very much missed by me. The different people brought in to be the chef at the Dragonfly were great( Rachael Ray was my favorite). But Sookie should always be the chef at the Dragonfly :). The Paul storyline wasn't my favorite. I get it. It was another way to how mixed up she was. But I could've done without it lol. But it did remind me of the Alex guy Lorelai dated who was never right and vanished with little explanation. I hated that Paris and Doyle weren't togeter and that Paris had basically become her mother. I get it, that's the standing theme for the show but that doesn't mean I have to like it :). I couldn't believe Luke and Lorelai hadn't talked about kids in 10 years lol.

Spring
Things I love about Spring:

 I loved that therapy was so awkward for Emily and Lorelai. I know it sound strange but it was just the way it was meant to be. I loved that they threw in the basket bidding! That was such a special episode in the orignal series. Love that Mr. Kim made a random appearance. Loved that the Chesire Cat was brought up, that was another special espisode from the orginal series. I loved the Paul Anka dreams. I loved that Kirk shot part of his short film at Luke and Lorelai's and Lorelai is standing right there and doesn't see him. Again I loved Rachael Ray guest starring. Loved the whole Paris and Rory going back to Chilton. I loved and totally expected Rory's lucky outfit was in Lorelai's closest. I mean where else would it be lol.

Things I didn't like about Spring:

Naomi....enough said. The character and the story line were both not needed in my opinion. No Sookie or Jackson(yeah I'm bringing that up again and we never do see Jackson :(  ). Kirk's hair at the Red and White movie theatre but it was totally Kirk. Listening to Lorelai talk about Richard's death, although it was beautiful. Rory tap dancing...no thanks. I just don't get it. The whole news story about lines...again don't get it. The Wookie story line...again don't get it. Seeing Rory so lost makes me sad.

Okay that's the end of part one! I think it's very interesting that these were my first two because Winter was my favoirte and Spring was my least favorite lol. Hoping to have part 2 up very soon(a few hours is my goal but I make no promises).

Social Anxiety

I said at the the beginning of the year I was going to start blogging more and then life went to hell and that just wasn't a priority. But I think I'm ready to get going again. I'm working on a blog about Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life. I'm not sure when it will be ready or if I'm going to do one or two posts. But it's coming lol.

This blog is about something different though. This blog is about social anxiety. I started another blog about this and thought about finishing that one but after going back and reading it, it felt like it didn't tell the whole story. So I'm starting over.

I've always been shy or the quiet one. But I don't remember having social anxiety until the 4th grade.  Maybe I did and I blocked it out or just simply don't remember but when I think about my childhood I don't remember being terrified of social settings until I was in the 4th grade. So what happened in the 4th grade you might ask...my teacher.  She was terrible. She humiliated me in front of the class and in front of other teachers multiple times. That's just the tip of the iceberg on what she did to me.  I don't think I really understood how bad she screwed me up until many years later.  But that's not to say it was the only thing that played into it. But I think that's where the seed of "I can't trust anybody" was planted.  Not to mention the seeds of "I'm stupid", "I'm not worth anything", and "Everyone is going to hurt me".  Those are wounds that don't heal. Especially when someone or more than  one someone comes along and makes it worse and that's exactly what happened.

I had a great best friend who understood the things that happened and without trying always knew what to do or say to help me. But things happen when teenagers are involved and at the beginning of our 8th grade year our friendship disolved. I'm not going to say anything more about that other than to say that loss sent me spiraling. I suddenly didn't fit in anywhere. I tried to hang with another group but it just wasn't a great fit. Eventually I gave up and being alone made me a great target for bullying. Suddenly I was being told on daily basis that I was ugly, stupid, a freak, that I'd never have any friends. At 14 you believe those things. By the end of my 8th grade year I had added depression, severe depression to my anxieties(I've had general anxiety as long as I can remember but that's a post for another day). It was a horrible time in my life. It cemented in my mind that all people were a threat to me and increased my social anxiety 10 fold. That was 15 years ago(hard to believe) and I'm still fighting that war.

So how does it affect me is probably the next question. The answer is in many ways and in pretty much everything.  I don't like to answer the door or the phone. I don't like ordering food at restaurants. I'll literally sit there practicing what I'm going to order in my head over and over. I rarely order anything new because I'm afraid I'll mess up and say the wrong thing or pronounce something wrong. I prefer to go a self check out and always get nervous if the machine messes up or I need to show my ID for something. What if I say something stupid or she thinks my ID is fake because I don't look 29. I hate going to the fitting room once but going more than once is torture for me. I have very few friends. People just don't enjoy spending time with someone who is hard to get to know and has so many quirks. Being in a crowd I always feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me. Any time I hear people whispering I think it's about me. It takes me probably 3x as long as anybody else to send someone a text or an email or a message on Facebook (if i even send it at all)because I read it and reread it and change things and then freak out about how the person I'm sending it to will take it. I feel like a constant annoyance to the people I try to talk to. That's the hardest part. There are just a couple people I feel safe talking to and I don't feel 100% safe talking to them or even 50%. I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing or I'll annoy them or scare them off. Or I don't really have anything to talk about, I just want to talk to them about anything but then I think they won't want to talk to me if I have nothing to talk about and I'll annoy them.  It sucks. I want to start conversations with certain people. I'm dying to talk to them and I can't. I just can't. Then they don't and I think oh no what did I do wrong and then I really can't. I'm longing for those deep connections again but I can't. It's bad enough to turn into a blushing , stuttering, frustrated mess in front of a waitress it's a whole other level in pure awful to have someone you really adore and care about and not have the courage to talk to them or not be able to enjoy it because you're analyzing every word you're saying or typing. It's torture and the absolute worst part is 98% of it is in your head and nobody else knows the war raging in your head.  So they don't know you need help or what help you need and you can't even tell them. It's like this non stop cycle. It makes you dizzy and exhausted and you keep ending up in the same place...ALONE, SAD, and SCARED.

Wow I did not mean for that be so long or dramatic or detailed but once it started coming out it just wouldn't stop (that is another thing I do that is annoying, once I start talking to someone I word vomit on them and scare them away) I hope this helps those of you who don't deal with social anxiety understand it a little better and helps people who do deal with know they aren't alone. I know the social anxiety tells you, you are alone, you are worthless, you are annoying, you are broken, you are not worth anyone's time, and so many other things because it tells me the same things all the time but it's wrong. We've just gotta keep fighting! We are worth it, we aren’t annoying, we aren't alone, we are not worthless. Maybe we are broken but deep down inside I believe everyone is a little broken. 

10 Things I Want You to Know About Me as an Introvert and a Person

I spent a good amount of time as a child trying to understand why I was different than the people around me. I picked a group of friends with big bubbly personalities who thrived in social settings and I didn't do it just once. I'd guess probably 95% of the people I've had or have as friends were/are extroverts. I wanted to be that way myself.  But I wasn't. I tried to fake it(if you can find my long lost MySpace page, it'll tell you I'm outgoing....Yeah right lol) but I was very bad at it! I was probably an adult before I heard the word introvert. When I read the description, it was like a light came on in my head! All I could think was this is me! It's taken lots of time for me to accept that I'm never going to be the bubbly outgoing one. I'm never going to be the life of the party. I'm never going to be the one who can talk to anybody. But I'm learning to embrace the things I am and forget the things I'm not(it's a work in progress). Here are somethings I want you to know and things that will make things easier on me and the people I interact with.

10. I'm not dumb or stupid. Don't take my silence or awkwardness as a lack of intelligence. I know that sounds like an obvious statement but I have been treated many times in the past like a moron because I'm quiet and shy. I don't like it and I don't know anybody who would. Treating me that way will instantly cause me to shut down and you probably will never hear a meaningful word from me again.

9. I might have a hard exterior but I'm a pile of goo when you get past that.  I'm a very sensitive person. You don't need to use words to cut me deep. I spend lots of time watching people and analyzing them and because of that actions can cause as much or more damage to me as words. I watch how you treat other people. I watch how you talk to other people. When you choose treat me differently I'm going to notice. On the flip side I also notice when someone goes out of their way to check on me, include me, and show me love and respect.

8.  If you truly want to get to know me, don't try to do it in a group setting. A group setting is overwhelming, uncomfortable, and exhausting for me. You won't get the best part of me there. I actually like to talk to people and get to know them but I feel the most comfortable being able to do that one on one.  Most people are blown away and sometimes overwhelmed by how much I'll talk in a one on one setting with someone I trust :).

7. Along those same lines, I don't like small talk and I'm frankly not that good at it. That is probably when I'm at my most awkward! But I can talk all day about interests, feelings, hopes, and dreams. I love to listen to people talk about themselves and their problems or worries and their hopes and dreams. I don't want to hear about the weather or the football game, I want hear about you! I think some people approach me think I want to hear the opposite but that couldn't be further from the truth!

6. I like to write and its much easier for me than talking. I like to write letters to people(most of which have never been read lol) because it allows me to get my feelings out. So if you really truly want to get to know me and get past my wall, write me a letter, a Facebook message, or ask for my number and text me. Eventually I'll be able to vocally open to you but it takes time, so be patient with me!

5. Like many introverts, I need my creative activities and most times I need those to be solo activities. I love music. I love to sing. I love to play instruments. I love to just listen to music. I also love to do arts and crafts(can never have too much glitter :D). I've recently started coloring and it's heavenly! I spent 3+ hours totally lost in a coloring page the other day and it was beyond heavenly! It was the most recharged I'd felt in ages. I also love to read!

4. I don't like conflict. I don't like drama. So sometimes I take more crap than I should. But that doesn't mean I won't remember what you did or said to try cause drama and it doesn't mean I'll put myself in a position to deal with your drama again.

3. Once I let you in my wall, it takes a lot to get rid of me :). So you better make sure your good with that before getting to know me! You should feel lucky if I let you in my wall because it doesn't happen often!

2. I don't like to approach people with my problems or even just to say I miss you and I miss talking to you. I constantly worry I'll be a bother to someone if I do, so it's easier to just not reach out.  So if I tell you I'm fine and you know I'm not, keep pushing and let me know you want to talk and I'm not a not a bother. I might put on a tough act and say I don't need anyone but I do! I'm still human and I still crave that human interaction. I still find myself  in need of a shoulder to cry on.

1. Along those same lines, just because I love my alone time and need it, I still get lonely! I see a lot of talk about people who are introverts not getting lonely but I'm not that way. I feel a constant struggle between wanting to stay in my box and wanting to reach out to people. It gets frustrating and lonely sometimes.

The main thing I feel people need to know about me is while being an introvert certainly has its down side, I'm happy with who I am. If I suddenly switched personalities and became that outgoing, bubbly, extroverted person I wanted to be when I was younger I wouldn't be me! There is nothing wrong with being an extrovert either. As I already mentioned, I'm drawn to them. They make up a big portion of my circle. It takes all kinds to make the world go round :).

But I am very much a work in progress. I've been really struggling lately because I want to reach out to someone and I don't know how or what to say. I want to just be able to say "I miss you and I miss talking to you, let's talk" but every time I try something stops me. It's aggravating but I know everyone has their flaws and things they have to work on, this is mine.

I hope in the future that in general people are more accepting of introverted people. I hope introverted kids especially are better accepted and given the chance to just be. Because I know from experience being pushed to be something you aren't is awful. I would tell kids who are going through that to ignore those people and embrace who they are, because there is nothing wrong with who they are!

Volcanoes 5!

I've always been terrible at finishing and the volcano posts were no exception lol. But I need a distraction tonight so here I am. Also last week marked the 35th anniversary of the eruption of Mount St. Helens and she's number 1 on my list. It's where this whole thing started for me. The second volcano in this blog is visible from Mount St. Helens. It reminds me a lot of Mount St. Helens pre eruption. Yep it's Mount Rainer.

2. Mount Rainer
Mount Rainer is located in Washington state 54 miles southeast of Seattle. It is part of the cascade Mountain Range. At an elevation of 14,411ft it is the tallest mountain of the Cascade Range and in Washington. On clear days it can be seen well from Seattle and Tacoma. On very clear days it can.be seen from Portland, Oregon and Victoria, British Columbia.

Mount Rainer is covered in glaciers and snowfields and because of that it is considered one of the most dangerous volcanoes in the world. It's listed on the Decade List(here's a link that explains the Decade List http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Decade_Volcanoes). If it were to erupt(or maybe I should say when it erupts) the melting of its glaciers and snow fields would cause devastating lahars that would effect dozens of towns. The last eruption is believed to have been at the end of the 1800s. Although it's been 100+ years since its last eruption it is still active and busy. There are around 5 earthquakes at the mountain a month and there are times that there are swarms of earthquakes. I think people have been lulled by the mountains beauty, much like Mount St. Helens but it's still a dangerous volcano.

I like Mount Rainer because of its beauty and prominence. I haven't seen a picture of it that didn't take my breath away. You can just see the power it contains by looking at it.

1. Mount St. Helens

Mount St. Helens is also part of the Cascade mountain range in Washington. It is located 96 miles south of Seattle and 50 miles northeast of Portland, Oregon.

Mount St. Helens is geologically the youngest mountain in the Cascade range but the most active.

The most famous eruption of Mount St. Helens is of course the May 18, 1980 eruption. At 8:32 AM PDT a 5.1 earthquake caused a massive landslide that released the gases in the volcano causing a large lateral explosion. The explosion knocked down trees and scorched everything to the north of the volcano in a 30km wide fan shaped area of an area of 20km.  The eruption melted the glaciers and snow on the mountain causing huge lahars that flowed down the North Fork of the Toutle River. As the lahar traveled it picked up trees and other stuff. For 9 hours Mount St. Helens continue to erupt with Plinian column that rose high in the sky and pyroclastic flows down the sides of the mountain.

When the ash cleared Mount St. Helens and the area around it were completely different. The volcano which once stood 9,677 feet was now 8, 365 feet with a giant horseshoe crater. The trees were all leveled and most living things were dead. Spirit lake had been filled with dirt and rocks from the landslide. So much so that the bottom of the lake now sits higher that the top of the lake used to. The  area was covered in ash.

The eruption killed 57 people and thousands of animals, destroyed or severely damaged 250 homes, 185 miles of highway, 47 bridges, and 15 miles of railway.

But lots of things were learned not only during the eruption but also in the months before and the months and even years after. The things the volcanologist learned from Mount St. Helens has save many many lives.

I was in the 5th grade the first time I heard about Mount St. Helens. I had an amazing Science teacher and we spent several days studying Mount St. Helens and volcanoes in general. By the end of it Mount.St. Helens hooked. I'm not sure what it is about Mount St. Helens that hooked me but some 16 odd years later I still watch and read anything about Mount St. Helens that I can get my hands on. I've watched it erupt and change. I've watched the land around it continue to rebound. I plan to spend the rest of my life continuing to watch it and learn about it and enjoying whatever she had in store.

Well that finally wraps up my list but I will continue to post about different volcanoes and eruptions. Volcanos are always erupting and I'm always discovering new volcanos.

PS: Random tidbit, my mom graduated high school on May 18th, 1980. For some reason I've always thought that was cool lol.

10 things I want my nephew to know

My dear sweet Z-Bug,
I never dreamed I could love someone as much as I love you!

You are 4 months old and it's still so surreal to me that you are ours! I've been around many babies and seen them smile and I've always said there is nothing like it. But your smile is a million times better! It's like it cuts straight through my soul in the best possible way! It literally turns me into a big gooey pile of emotions!

The day you were born was the best day of my life. I never knew I could love a baby so much that wasn't mine!

I find myself in this tug of war. I want you to stay little. You fit in my arms perfectly and are so sweet to cuddle. But I also look forward to watching you grow and change and learn! I look forward to you walking, talking, hearing you say my name and tell me you love me, taking you to the park, swimming with you in our pool, and literally thousands of other things. But the reality is you are going to grow up, so here are some things I want you to know.

Remember to stop and smell the roses. The older you get the faster time flies by. Remember to slow down every once in awhile and enjoy the beauty around you. A sunset, the stars, a deer in a pasture, or a sleeping baby. Those are the moments that keep you grounded and sane.

Looking back on my 27 years of life if I could go back and do more, it would be learning. You should gather all the knowledge you can. Find a subject you are interested in and find out everything you can about it and then pick another subject and do it again. Knowledge is power. You never know when that information will come on handy. Learning is fun, despite what friends will tell you later on!

Laugh often. Laughing just makes you feel better. Laughing is the best way to end an argument or break tension. Laugh at yourself because sometimes you're going to be able to do nothing but laugh at yourself.

Give 100% of yourself to people who deserve it. Sometimes you'll know who deserves it and sometimes you'll think someone deserves it who doesn't. People will use you and hurt you. But there will be many lessons learned from that pain, embrace those lessons. But you should give 100% of yourself to the people you find that are truly worth your time. They deserve it and it will be rewarding for you.

You were born into quite the melting pot of people. You will come in contact with people with all kinds of differences. Instead of trying to force them into a box and make them just like you, embrace their differences! Differences aren't bad and they don't need to be fixed. There are many things you can learn from people with key differences, learn them. You'll never know who you'll miss out on getting to know if you try to change people instead of just embracing them.

You'll have times where you'll feel like your childhood is going to last forever. You're going to want to shave, drive, and date. But your childhood will be the most simple time in your life. It's the time to scrape your knees up 100 times, enjoy cartoons, play with toys, make friends, and make memories. Enjoy it!

I spent way too many years trying to change who I was, don't do that. It's a waste of time. You can't change who you are and you don't need to. God made you exactly who you are supposed to be. He has big plans for you! If someone in your life is not okay with who you are, they aren't worth your time!

Failure is apart of life. It's a hard part of life but a part of it none the less
 Don't be afraid of failure. Out of the ashes of failure comes the biggest successes. Failures are opportunities to learn.

Asking for help is not always easy but do it! It's okay to admit you need help. It's not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of being human.

I want you to grow up and go on all the adventures you desire. I want you to try everything and learn everything you can. I believe you can accomplish anything you put your mind to. I even want you to make mistakes because that's when you find out who you are! But remember where you came from. That's where your roots are and where your strength and courage come from. Always remember you have parents who longed and fought for you! You won't always like them but they will always love you! You are your grandparents dream come true and they adore you and would do anything for you! And I, your Tia, think you hung the moon and stars! I never had the chance to have an aunt that was an active part of my life but you will! I adore you more than you could ever understand and I will be here for you no matter what! I'm so proud to be your Tia! Tia is the most amazing title I've ever held because of you!

Love Always,
Your Tia <3