"Some shit storms are just shit storms"

I don't know where this is going to go or how long it's going to be or what I'm going to say, so be warned :).

I've been struggling for awhile with the whole "everything happens for a reason" line. I used to tell people that. I used to believe it. Now I think about some of the times I said it and I cringe! There are a couple of people I wish I could go to and say "I was cold and dismissive and I'm very sorry. I wish I would've said I'm sorry and that I loved you and I was here if you needed me" but they'd probably think I was nuts and who knows maybe I am.

So quick disclaimer I'm not preaching at anyone or trying to tell anyone how they should feel about that line. I'm just expressing something that I feel. I know most people who say it, say it with the best of intentions and to try to make someone feel better and I'm not judging anyone else for saying it.

So I guess you're probably wondering how I got to this point. About a year and half ago something happened that completely crushed my heart. I'm not going to discuss the details or the how or whys(frankly I still don't understand most of the hows or whys). But I will say it was something that I realized quickly most people didn't understand why it was so crushing for me. I didn't discuss it with a lot of people but when I did I got lot of chirping crickets, blank stares, and "Okay...". I think the fact that so many of the people around me just didn't understand how badly I'd been hurt, made for some weird and hurtful comments. It also made me even more sensitive about the situation and my feelings about the situation. Within a day or two I just stopped talking about it

But before I did I had someone who had the best of intentions in their heart say "I know you're upset now but everything happens for a reason." That was probably the first time I have ever experienced pain from that line and suddenly a thousand instances flashed into my head of times I'd used that line and probably made someone feel the way I was feeling right then and it crushed me even further.

I have a soft gooey heart, especially for the people who are special to me. I hate seeing the people who are special to me hurting. I'm also very sensitive to the people around me and I often times know something's wrong with someone or their hurting or scared or going through a hard time or whatever without being told. Which is both good and bad. It's good because I often times can let someone know I'm thinking of them and I love them before I even know what is going on and/or before they're ready to share and/or they never intend to share. But the bad side is knowing someone I love is hurting and they don't feel comfortable talking to me and not knowing how to support them, it sucks. But all of that leads to me being in this desperate search for the right words. I want to make everything all better. I find myself constantly reminding myself, there are just some things I can't make better no matter what I say. But in the past in that desperation I've said some pretty crazy things including "Everything happens for a reason".

So in that moment when my heart was desperately looking for some comfort  and I got "Everything happens for a reason",  I realized I'd been using that line to avoid people's emotions and pain. My heart desperately needed to hear "I'm so sorry someone hurt you like that. I love you and I'm here if you need me." I realized sometimes less is more. The idea that my words had made someone feel what I was feeling in that moment made me just sick and again there are people I truly wish I could go to and apologize without looking like a moron.

The reality is I don't believe everything happens for reason. There isn't a single thing you could get or learn from losing a child that would make it okay. The same thing can be said for many different situations for many different people.  Some shit storms are just shit storms. The only reason some things happen is because we are flawed human beings with flawed bodies living in a flawed world with other flawed human beings.

So I've been trying to do a better job of just letting people know I care and I'm here if they need me.  It's still hard for me to accept that I can't fix everyone's problems or make everyone feel better with my words. But I definitely take more time to think about what I say before I say anything.  I've also been trying to do a better job just allowing myself to feel what I feel and not trying to change those feelings because someone else might think they are wrong. I know everything happening for a reason brings comfort for some people. But for me it felt like more work. It felt like I was being told to just forget about my feelings and look for a deeper magical meaning. It felt like I was being told my feelings were wrong. I know that's not what most people mean but that's how it's always felt to me.

Don't ever let anyone make you believe your feelings are wrong or too strong. You are allowed to feel whatever you feel about a situation. Don't worry about trying to find some kind of magical meaning or lesson to be found or learned in every situation. The only thing you should do is concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other. You are allowed to break down and cry. Just don't give up because in my experience shit storms can't last forever :).  It's easy to wish those bad times away but don't do it. Sometimes the best moments in your life happen in a flash in the midst of the deepest darkest shit storms and if you're so busy wishing time away or looking for magical deeper meaning, you might just miss those moments :).