I said at the the beginning of the year I was going to start blogging more and then life went to hell and that just wasn't a priority. But I think I'm ready to get going again. I'm working on a blog about Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life. I'm not sure when it will be ready or if I'm going to do one or two posts. But it's coming lol.
This blog is about something different though. This blog is about social anxiety. I started another blog about this and thought about finishing that one but after going back and reading it, it felt like it didn't tell the whole story. So I'm starting over.
I've always been shy or the quiet one. But I don't remember having social anxiety until the 4th grade. Maybe I did and I blocked it out or just simply don't remember but when I think about my childhood I don't remember being terrified of social settings until I was in the 4th grade. So what happened in the 4th grade you might ask...my teacher. She was terrible. She humiliated me in front of the class and in front of other teachers multiple times. That's just the tip of the iceberg on what she did to me. I don't think I really understood how bad she screwed me up until many years later. But that's not to say it was the only thing that played into it. But I think that's where the seed of "I can't trust anybody" was planted. Not to mention the seeds of "I'm stupid", "I'm not worth anything", and "Everyone is going to hurt me". Those are wounds that don't heal. Especially when someone or more than one someone comes along and makes it worse and that's exactly what happened.
I had a great best friend who understood the things that happened and without trying always knew what to do or say to help me. But things happen when teenagers are involved and at the beginning of our 8th grade year our friendship disolved. I'm not going to say anything more about that other than to say that loss sent me spiraling. I suddenly didn't fit in anywhere. I tried to hang with another group but it just wasn't a great fit. Eventually I gave up and being alone made me a great target for bullying. Suddenly I was being told on daily basis that I was ugly, stupid, a freak, that I'd never have any friends. At 14 you believe those things. By the end of my 8th grade year I had added depression, severe depression to my anxieties(I've had general anxiety as long as I can remember but that's a post for another day). It was a horrible time in my life. It cemented in my mind that all people were a threat to me and increased my social anxiety 10 fold. That was 15 years ago(hard to believe) and I'm still fighting that war.
So how does it affect me is probably the next question. The answer is in many ways and in pretty much everything. I don't like to answer the door or the phone. I don't like ordering food at restaurants. I'll literally sit there practicing what I'm going to order in my head over and over. I rarely order anything new because I'm afraid I'll mess up and say the wrong thing or pronounce something wrong. I prefer to go a self check out and always get nervous if the machine messes up or I need to show my ID for something. What if I say something stupid or she thinks my ID is fake because I don't look 29. I hate going to the fitting room once but going more than once is torture for me. I have very few friends. People just don't enjoy spending time with someone who is hard to get to know and has so many quirks. Being in a crowd I always feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me. Any time I hear people whispering I think it's about me. It takes me probably 3x as long as anybody else to send someone a text or an email or a message on Facebook (if i even send it at all)because I read it and reread it and change things and then freak out about how the person I'm sending it to will take it. I feel like a constant annoyance to the people I try to talk to. That's the hardest part. There are just a couple people I feel safe talking to and I don't feel 100% safe talking to them or even 50%. I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing or I'll annoy them or scare them off. Or I don't really have anything to talk about, I just want to talk to them about anything but then I think they won't want to talk to me if I have nothing to talk about and I'll annoy them. It sucks. I want to start conversations with certain people. I'm dying to talk to them and I can't. I just can't. Then they don't and I think oh no what did I do wrong and then I really can't. I'm longing for those deep connections again but I can't. It's bad enough to turn into a blushing , stuttering, frustrated mess in front of a waitress it's a whole other level in pure awful to have someone you really adore and care about and not have the courage to talk to them or not be able to enjoy it because you're analyzing every word you're saying or typing. It's torture and the absolute worst part is 98% of it is in your head and nobody else knows the war raging in your head. So they don't know you need help or what help you need and you can't even tell them. It's like this non stop cycle. It makes you dizzy and exhausted and you keep ending up in the same place...ALONE, SAD, and SCARED.
Wow I did not mean for that be so long or dramatic or detailed but once it started coming out it just wouldn't stop (that is another thing I do that is annoying, once I start talking to someone I word vomit on them and scare them away) I hope this helps those of you who don't deal with social anxiety understand it a little better and helps people who do deal with know they aren't alone. I know the social anxiety tells you, you are alone, you are worthless, you are annoying, you are broken, you are not worth anyone's time, and so many other things because it tells me the same things all the time but it's wrong. We've just gotta keep fighting! We are worth it, we aren’t annoying, we aren't alone, we are not worthless. Maybe we are broken but deep down inside I believe everyone is a little broken.
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