Volcanos!!

So I decided I would let you guys in on another love of mine! Most of you know my love for sports(softball, soccer, and football being the the favorites) but I have many other likes as well. So I'm going to do a series of blogs on one of my favorite topics, volcanos! I have a whole photo album of nothing but pictures I've collected online of volcanos! I'm not sure where my love for volcanos came from but it's been there as long as I can remember! They are so powerful and each one is so unique! They are always changing, growing, developing! It's just something is this great world of ours that never stops amazing me! They can be so destructive, yet they make land and their slopes contain some of the most fertile growing lands on earth! They are some of the only natural disasters that regrow and fix what they destroy! It may be a slow process but they do! I've decided to do a series of blogs about my 10 favorite volcanos! So I guess I'll jump into it!

#10: Mt. Mayon

Mt. Mayon is located in the Philippines in the province of Albay. Mayon is a classic stratovolcano. It has a perfect cone shape to it. It has very steep slopes! It is 8,077 feet high and is part of what scientist call the Pacific Ring of Fire! Mayon is a very active volcano! In fact, it's the most active volcano in the Philippines(and if you know anything about the Philippines you know they have alot of volcanos lol!)! It has erupted 48 times in the last 400 years! The last eruption was in December of 2010 but it had been erupting off and on and off from 2009 through all of 2010. It produces spectacular shows with lots of ash and lots of running lava!

I like this volcano because of it's shape. It reminds me of the classic volcano in all the cartoons I saw as kid! A beautiful cone shaped volcano reaching far into the sky! It is just so breath taking and I can't imagine what it would like to see in person! It's eruptions are just your classic eruption you see as a child. The firs time I saw a picture of it, I thought man all it needs is a few dinosuars and you've got your classic volcano lol! Here are a few pictures of Mt. Mayon. I obviously don't own any of them, I've just collected them on the internet but these are my favorites!

#9: Mt. Merapi

Mt. Merapi is a realtivly young stratovolcano(also know as a composit volcano) in Indonesia just 17 miles from the city of Yogyakarta.  Stratovolcano's are volcanos that are made of many different layers of hardened lava and other things. Mt. Merapi is a very active volcano. So active in fact, that it has smoke coming out of it atleast 300 days a year. It is 5,600 feet tall and also part of the Pacific Ring of Fire.

The reason I like Mt. Merapi is not just because it's a beautiful volcano(it is very beautiful!) but because of the myths and legends around the volcano. Merapi means "Mountain of Fire". Mt. Merapi is a very important part of the life of the people who live around it. Thousands of people live on it's flanks and use it's fertile lands to grow things to sale and feed their families. They have many stories about it and bring it sacrafices to keep the moutains spirit happy! The people truly respect this volcano and it is very important to them! You can read more on the myths that surround the volcano on Wikipedia! Here are a few pictures of the volcano.

Well I guess I've bored you guys long enough for today lol! I'll be back very soon with 2 more volcanos for ya! If you have any questions I will do my best to answer them(although I don't really think anybody reads these lol!)!

Trying to find a way to move on

I've been considering writing this for awhile. I've been going back and forth. Someone I look up to and respect alot told me that I have a right to my opinion and I have the right to put it out there. I have listened/read people opinions on this situation and I've set back and said nothing. But I think the only way I can really forgive and move on is to get my thoughts and opinions out there. I'm going to try to word this in away that won't offend anyone but I make no promises.

Let me start off by saying grandpa's funeral was a beautiful celebration of his life. The preacher did a wonderful job and his wife did the music and did a beautiful job. The funeral home and the people who worked there were wonderful as well. The food provided by my grandparents church was great and I was amazed how much there was and that they fed us twice! To all of these people I just want to say thank you!!

Now on to the main point of this blog. Most families come together and lean on each other when their is a death. My family again proved they are not most families. This drama has been going on for a long time. I think people have a hard time understanding that sometimes things aren't how they appear. They judge people based on their own experience without even knowing what the other person has dealt with. They've never walked in the other persons shoes and experienced what they have. They also fail to understand that just because a person treats them in a positive way doesn't mean they treat everybody like that. There was a couple of people who acted very poorly at the funeral and really the whole time we were there. One of them I can't say that it bothers me. I saw her true side long ago and accepted it a long time ago. But the other person really hurt me. I wish I could say I hate this person or wish something bad on this person but I can't and I won't. Obviously since her actions hurt me so bad, I love her. I love this person alot and I did respect her alot. I can't say she has never hurt my feelings before or that I always agreed with her but I love her. Words can hurt very badly but I think sometimes action can hurt worse. In this case, she didn't say much but her actions hurt. She ignored me and my family. She seemed to not even notice we existed. 2 different times as my sister and I embraced other loved ones and cried I looked up to see her standing across the room glaring at us. One of those times she was obviously talking about us to someone(happened to be right after the funeral). The English language doesn't contain the words to describe how bad that hurt me, how much it still hurts me. I guess I'm just a very sympathetic and sensitive person but when I see someone hurting it hurts me. Even if that person is someone I've had a problem with, I still hurt for them and I would never show such disrespect and coldness towards them. That just isn't me. I've been told so many times I have a big heart. I don't know if it's true or not but let me tell you even as you did that to me my heart broke for her. As much as I wanted to be as hard and cold as she was to me, it just isn't in me to be like that. I wanted to run to her and hug her. I know she was hurting and I hurt for her. I know how much she loved my grandpa and how much she loves my grandma. I've never for a minute doubted that. I also know she spent and continues to spend much of her daily life the last 6+ years taking care of them and I know it wasn't always easy. I'll always love this person. I believe once you love someone you always love them, if you don't you never really loved them. So I will always love her. But will I ever respect her the way I did before? I don't know. Will I ever look at her the same way I did? I don't think so. I think the image I have of this woman is forever changed. Will I ever trust or desire a relationship with her again? I don't know. At this point my answer is no. It's going to take me sometime and I will never forget the way she acted towards me and other family members. I don't know if I will ever have any desire to have a relationship or even be around her again. I think sometimes we forget that once we say or do something it's done. The way I look at it she made the decision to start this but it's up to me to decide when I am willing to try to talk to her again. To this person I just want to say I've decided to forgive you. However I'm not forgiving you, for you. I'm forgiving you for me, so I can let go and move on. I'm just simply not going to let your actions bother me anymore, I'm not giving you that kind of power over me anymore. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting and let me tell you I won't forget. I understand you were hurt by the things said. I understand you were hurting over grandpa's passing. But neither is a good excuse or reason to act the way you did. I always thought so much of you and loved you so much. Maybe I should have told you that more and for that I am sorry. I always thought you loved me as well but I feel now that I was wrong. You never loved me at did you? I thought I knew you but I realized very quickly in that funeral home the night of the visitation, I don't know you at all. As I already said I would never wish anything bad on you. So I wish you all the best. I hope some day you find forgiveness in your heart and you let God make that ice cold heart of yours warm again. Because the person you have let all this anger and hurt turn you into is a very ugly person and I wouldn't wish that on anybody.

To the people who have reached out to me and my family during this hard time I just want to say thank you! I was really shown through all of this how much certain people in my life truly love and care about me. My family and I are very blessed!

That is all I have for now!

Not a fan of 2012 so far!

Well my 2012 is off to a crappiest of starts. My 2011 ended pretty darn crappy so I guess it stands to reason that 2012 would start off that way. Since September I’ve lost 3 people close to me. It started with a man that has become like grandfather to me. Ricky and I sat with him and his wife in church every week. Both them are very sweet people. He lost his almost yearlong battle with pancreatic cancer. I can’t sit in that pew and not think about him. It always feels like something is missing and it’s made going to church harder. I just want to get up and move. While we were still getting over that Ricky’s grandpa fell and broke his leg and arm. At first I’m thinking he’ll have a surgery spend a few days or maybe a week in the hospital and then go home. I never could have imagined he would never see his home again or that I would never see him again. It became clear pretty quickly that there was more to it than just a broken arm and leg. It turned out he had cancer in his bones. It was all over his body and I don’t know if they even really know where it started from. A little less than 2 months later and he was gone. My grandpa had been bad for a while. Heck they said like 3 Christmas’s ago that he wouldn’t live a year. But he did. But things had gotten bad over the last couple of months and he ended up in a retirement home. He seemed to be doing well and then today we find out he passed away. I’m tired. I’m tired in every way a person can be tired. I’m normally a very emotional person but for some reason I have cried very few tears through this. Part of me is afraid once the tears start they won’t stop. There is so much anger and sadness in my heart right now but on the other hand I just feel numb. I think the hard part is I don’t feel like I have anybody to talk to. I feel so…alone. I feel lonely. I’m going through a really rough stretch and I feel like I am doing it totally alone. I’ve always been a religious person. I always believed in God and that he had a plan. That is what I have been telling myself lately. God has a plan! But the truth is my faith is being tested right now. Some days I truly wonder if there really is God. I do believe there is a God but I just feel like he’s turned his back on me. I feel like my prayers aren’t getting any higher than the ceiling. For the first time in my life I feel truly alone and it is driving me nuts! I feel weak and like I can’t get through this next week.

                I’ll never understand why everything has to happen at once. But it seems that is how life works. Sometimes you feel like you get one thing off your plate and something else is plopped up there. There is never any break or even any time to catch your breath. You just got to keep on keeping on.  I just wish I could stop life for a while. I need a vacation. I need a few moments away from the real world to just clear my head and relax. I haven’t felt relaxed in so long I don’t know if I know if it I felt it!

                If there is one thing I have learned in my 24 years of life it’s this, tell the people you love that you love them! Life is so short! Don’t leave the people you love guessing on how you felt about them after you gone, leave no doubts. I hope the people I love know that I love them. I hope I don’t just tell them that I love them but that I show them that I love them all the time. I hope there is never any doubt in their minds that I love them and care about them! I hope their no doubt that they have changed my life and made my world a better place. Here’s to hoping I get through this next week and that the rest of 2012 is much better than the end of 2011 and the beginning of 2012!

“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, but learning to dance in the rain!”

More random thoughts lol

Hey everybody! It’s been awhile since I wrote but here I am! So much going on in my life right now and so much stress! About the time I get through one thing here comes another. This crap train can stop any time lol! I’m ready for a break and some good things! My 24^th birthday is next Saturday! I remember when birthday’s used to be such a big deal! I started counting down as soon as school ended lol! I got cards and money in the mail. I got to have a slumber party and invite all my friends. We ate all kinds of food and watched movies until the wee hours of the morning! It was my special day! Now I’m lucky if anybody remembers lol! I no longer have friends to do anything with. So I will spend the first part of it with my mom and sister at women’s conference and the last part with the rest of my family. Probably have some cake! I have been in an awful mood today for several reasons. I’m having one of those times where I just don’t feel like I fit in anywhere. I’m just feeling sort of lost right now! I’ll be honest I flat out feel lonely. I constantly feel like something is missing and I don’t’ know what it is or where to find it. I just wish I had friend I could count on. A friend who wouldn’t just ask me for advice and pour out their heart to me but let me do the same. I guess that is kind of what we all want! I don’t know how to explain what I am feeling. One of those things words simply fall short in explaining!

                I’ve been watching a lot of movies lately! I love movies! My favorite that I have watched lately is The Help! It’s a great movie and is pretty funny as well! It has a great message and is also a great reminder of how black people suffered in the 40s and 50s. But the biggest thing I liked about this movie was that I could relate to the main character. I won’t tell you the whole story in case you go see it. I obviously can’t relate to everything she goes through but I can relate to her love for the babies she cares for. The only job I have ever had is babysitting. I started babysitting when I was 12 and have cared for dozens of children since then. For me it was never about earning a little money. It was a job I’ve always taken very seriously. It’s not always been an easy or fun job. The kids are usually the easy part, dealing with the parents not so much. I love them and care for them like they are my own. I get attached to them (especially the ones I kept for several hours every day)! I live in constant fear of doing something wrong and their parents taking them elsewhere! It can be painful sometimes. My sister and I watched a little boy at the beginning of the year for a few months. We loved the little guy so much and got so attached to him. And then one day with no notice his mom quit her job and that was the last time we watched him. You always know one day it will end. I won’t take care of this baby from now on but nothing can prepare you for the heartbreak you feel each time it happens. And no matter how many times I feel it, I never get used to it! I kept the nursery at my church for several years and I still remember the night they told me it was over. I understood why they had to do it but it broke my heart. I went to the bathroom and just bawled.  I took a break from taking care of babies for a while. I couldn’t stay away long though! I can say with 100% honesty I don’t regret a single child that I have loved and gotten attached to! I don’t regret a single moment of doing this! I wish I could do this from now! But I don’t think I can live on $100 a month forever! My sister and I have been caring for this little baby girl for a while now! Cutest little thing! But I can sense the tension rising and I see the cracks forming. I know one day she will leave that house and never come back. She will leave my arms and never again return! It breaks my heart but it’s part of the job. I push forward after every heartbreak and long for the day when I have my own babies and nobody will take them away from me! Babies are gifts from God and true blessings! It also breaks my heart to see a parent who doesn’t appreciate that or their child. So I love the saying for the movie “You is smart, you is kind, and you is important!” If I cared for your baby for any amount of time please know I loved them and I could have never done anything to hurt them! Some caretakers are bad but most of us are not!  I jump in feet first in loving these babies! For those of you, who take your child to daycare or to a sitter; don’t ever forget to thank them. Don’t ever forget all that they do! Their job isn’t an easy one and is often times filled with heartache and disappointment but they love your child and do their best in whatever time they have to love them and care for them as if they are their own! Taking care of babies has taught me a lot. But the main thing it has taught me is to really enjoy every single moment because life moves so fast. It’s so easy to get caught up in looking back and wishing you could change things or looking forward and worrying about the future that we so often miss out on the wonderful things in front of us. These babies are only babies for a short time. They are only a part of my life a short time and then they are gone. Most of them don’t even remember me, but I remember them! They are such a blessing to me and I carry a piece of each one of them in my heart everywhere I go! One of these days I will leave this job and begin teaching. Although they have their similarities I know it will be very different. Instead of just a couple of babies/toddlers it will be a room of kids who I am in charge of not just loving on and caring for but teaching everything they need to know. I worry I won’t get the joy out teaching that I do out of babysitting. I guess we will just see what happens. For now I am just enjoying every minute with bug and turby. And I know when the time comes for me to say goodbye to this job, I will walk away with a heavy heart but I will leave a better person! I will leave with no regrets! I will leave knowing I gave every part of me to caring for and loving these babies and I played a part in their live and they played a part in mine. I will walk away being able to smile and say “What a beautiful and wonderful adventure!”

Well I don’t know anything else! I hope you are all doing well! Just a few days let in childhood cancer awareness month!

14 year old me!

                I wrote this letter a few months ago. It’s a letter to me, well to me when I was 14. That was a really rough year for me. I really felt like I would never amount to anything or mean anything to anybody. I felt so depressed and so alone, probably more than I ever have. I even thought about suicide. I even had a plan but I never went through with it. I always say I was too chicken but the truth is God wouldn’t let me. He had a plan for my life and me ending it at 14 wasn’t part of that plan! I am almost  24 and looking back me at 14 there are so many things I wish I could tell myself and this letter is just a few of them!  

Dear 14 year old me,

                Do not be afraid to be who you truly are! You are beautiful and wonderful because God made you and he has a plan for you! I know it feels like your life is over but it’s just beginning! She was a great friend for a lot of years! You have wonderful memories with her but it’s time to move on. It is for the best! It hurts like hell (I wish I could say it gets easier or better but you just get used to it) but it is for the best! I know the bullying is constant and the words hurt so badly. But remember the things they are saying aren’t true. It’s not about you, it’s about them. You don’t deserve what they are doing to you, nobody does! Their words and their blows will stay with you but one day you will understand it was never about you! You are a wonderful, smart, and beautiful person! You may never be a super model, a professional athlete, an actress, or a singer. You may never even be known by more than just a hand full of people. But that’s okay because God is in control! He has a plan! Hold your head up proud because you are one of a kind and you are special! You think these problems seem petty but they aren’t petty! If they don’t feel petty to you then they aren’t petty! Enjoy every minute because it will go by so fast! Life is a rough journey. There are so many ups and downs. Sometimes the downs can be really painful and bad! Sometimes life just flat sucks. But the good moments, the moments that take your breath away are what makes life worth living and I promise there are many of those ahead! I am writing these things now because there wasn’t anyone to tell me these things back then. Because I was a big girl and I could handle my problems! So if there is one thing I have learned from all of this it’s to not be afraid to ask for help!  See 14 year old me all this pain, anger, depression, sadness, and fear aren’t for nothing! You are learning many lessons through all those tears! Those tears and pain are making you into the person you were always meant to be! Never give up!! It does get better!

Love,

A much wiser older me

September 11th and other things!

                Well it’s that time of year again, fall (well almost lol). I love fall! I love the lower temperatures, the changing colors of the leaves, Halloween, Thanksgiving, football, and most important my birthday!  For me it’s just a magical time of year, it always has been! But September always bring the anniversary of something that changed our country forever. You all know what I am talking about, 9/11.

                I was 14 and had just started the 8^th grade that cool Tuesday morning! I was a small town girl who had barley been out of Texas, let alone to New York or Washington DC (I still am lol). I don’t know if I’d ever even heard of the World Trade Center before that morning, I certainly didn’t understand what it was or what it represented. Nor did I understand what the Pentagon was or what it represented. But I knew when the principal came in and whispered something into my History teacher’s ear that morning the things going on were bad. I remember her saying we aren’t going to read about History today kids, we are going to watch it! She flipped on the TV and we watched. I always say that I didn’t fully understand the things that happened that day but really did anybody?? I think this was something even the most knowledgeable of adults had a hard time understanding the thing that happened that morning and even the weeks that followed. I did understand though that thousands of people were losing their lives while I watched and there wasn’t anything anybody, me included could do to stop it. I watched as thousands of fireman, EMTs/Paramedics, and police officers rushed into those buildings as everyone else rushed out and was amazed! And then as those building crumbled I was horrified knowing many of them lost their lives. I can’t believe it’s been 10 years since that morning! It seems like it was just yesterday in a lot of ways! I think of all the people who lost loved ones and my heart just breaks! That day showed us how evil people can be but even in the middle of that we saw how good people could be! People helping others down the stairs at the World Trade Center, people risking their lives to save others, the brave men and women on Flight 93 who decided they were going to take things into their own hands and not allow these men the privilege of carrying out the horrendous act they were planning and in the process saving who knows how many lives. 9/11 united our country through tragedy and we leaned on each other to get through it.  My thoughts and prayers are with the families of the victims of that horrible morning! I can’t imagine the type of pain these people go through on a daily basis but especially this day every year! American’s will always remember 9/11 and the pain it brought! We will always remember the people who lost their lives and their families! God Bless the USA!

                All of our lives changed that morning but no one’s life (except for the survivors of the people killed of course) changed more than the Muslims who live, work, and raise their families in this country! One thing that bothered me as that young 14 year old girl trying to make sense of all this and still bothers me now as an adult is the hatred this event started for Muslims. People have such crazy ideas about Islam and its followers. They see it as a religion of hate and killing but the truth is that isn’t the case. The majority of Muslims are good people. They want the same things we do and have no interest in doing the things that the men who carried out, planned, and funded the things that happen that morning. I’ve been blessed to know a few Muslims personally and I’ve seen the goodness in their hearts and what their religion is really about. Just like all Japanese weren’t responsible for what happened at Pearl Harbor, all Muslims aren’t responsible for what happened on 9/11. I’ve watched the last 10 years and read countless stories of mosques being burned, kids being harassed, and even in severe cases people physically harmed because they are Muslim and it breaks my heart! I’ve heard the ignorant crap being spewed from people’s mouths and it makes me sick. Please try to remember not all Muslims fly planes into buildings, blow things up, or kill people! Most of them just like us spend their days going to work and taking care of their families. Please don’t make more victims of this horrible tragedy!

                On an unrelated note as a Texan I am been following these fires down around Austin and all over the state! We are all in real trouble right now! We have had the hottest driest summer ever for any state in the country! If we don’t get some rain soon, I don’t know whats going to happen! Frankly I try not to think about it because it scares me. I guess I follow these fires so closely because I feel for these people and I understand what they are feeling. We had a rough wildfire season(that is still going!) this year but I was more directly affected by wildfires in 2006. March 12^th, 2006 was the single worst day for wild fires in Texas history. It was a Sunday. I went to church that morning like I always did. I had no idea how that day would change my life but it did. I got home that afternoon and ate lunch. The wind was blowing hard. I mean it always blows hard but this day was like nothing I could remember seeing before(sustained winds of around 40mph with gusts as high as 60-70mph). It was Spring Break and we were packing to go to my Grandmas. That afternoon we began to see smoke in the distance. We knew there were a few fires but we didn’t think much of it. However by the time we got out of church that evening it became clear the smoke and flames were getting very close…too close! The fire was heading towards town and around 7 or 8 that evening evacuations began. We watched as the fires got close enough we could see the flames rising high into the sky and the smoke would choke you. The sky was a crazy weird shade of orange. We began to get things ready to leave. We were already packing so it wasn’t too hard. I was scared to death! Until you set there and watch a giant fire makes it way towards you, you can’t understand that fear. We got lucky about the time the fire reached town there was a wind change that drove the fire the other direction. We were up all night keeping our eyes and ears open just in case. Before it was all said and done the fires consumed over 400,000 acres of land, killed 11, and burned many structures. Everything was just gone! It took them several days to put these fires out and our lives were forever changed. We are better prepared for these things. I feel I am better prepared but I am terrified of these things! We in this area takes these things much more serious!   To the people affected by the fires now I just say hold on. I know right now it feels like these fires will burn from now on and that life will never be normal again but they will be put out and you will move on! My thoughts and prayers are with you all!

                Well I guess that is all I have for now! The regular season for the NFL starts tomorrow!! I’m excited! Let’s go colts!!

Whatever is meant to be will find away!

                Hey guys! It has been a crazy couple of weeks! I’m glad last week is over; I am ready for a new and hopefully better week! I want to first start off by talking about something very near and dear to my heart! September is childhood cancer awareness month. We all know October is breast cancer awareness month but few people know about September. Childhood cancers in general receive less funding and therefore fewer studies than adult cancers do. That is just so wrong. These kids deserve so much better than that! Our health care system is failing our kids! So if you feel the same way get the word out there! Wear a gold ribbon, put a picture of a gold ribbon as your profile picture, and most importantly spread the word!

                I’ve always believed everything happens for reason. I’ve also always believed that God brings people in your life and takes them out of your life at just the right time. The bringing people in my life is easy to handle. He brings great people in my life and they always seem to show up at the right. But him taking people out of my life is the hard thing to handle. There is a person who I was really close too for a long time at one point in my life. But things change and for whatever reason she was taken out of my life. I thought at the time that I would eventually just stop thinking about her and it would just be a wonderful memory. I’m still waiting for that day. I wonder if she thinks about me. I wonder if she misses me or if she just moved on. I always secretly hoped something would bring us together again and we would pick up where we left off…10 years later I know that just isn’t an option. But my heart still secretly hopes!  When most people think of a soul mate they think of it as a romantic thing. Although I have a wonderful boyfriend of 9 years, I don’t view soul mates as necessarily a romantic thing. I fully believe she was my soul mate. She understood me and I understood her. We could look at each other and know what the other was thinking. No matter how hard I tried to hide it she could tell when I was sad, scared, or angry and she always knew how to cheer me up and I did the same for her. I’ve wondered many times how we messed up something so beautiful and I guess the truth is we were 14. We didn’t understand what we had or at least I didn’t. I had done a pretty good job of pushing this out of my mind until recently. I’ve seen her twice in the last week and both times my heart just stopped and I had to hold back and keep myself from running to her and giving her a hug. She has been on my mind a lot since then and all those old questions keep coming back. The only thing I know for sure is God gives and God takes away and he gave me several wonderful years and hundreds of wonderful memories with this person and then he took her away from me. He has plan. It’s up to me to figure out what it is. But let me tell you, knowing all that doesn’t make any of this easy.

                I should so be sleeping because I have church in the morning but sleep isn’t coming easy for me tonight. There isn’t much new about that. I have always been a night owl and suffered from insomnia! One thing I am not is a morning person! People think I’m nuts when they realize that most nights I’m not asleep until 3 or 4 in the morning and sleep until 11 or so. But I love being up at night after everyone has gone to sleep and the house is so quiet! It’s a great time for thinking!

                Well that is all for now! Guess I better go get some sleep lol! God bless you all!