Well my 2012 is off to a crappiest of starts. My 2011 ended pretty darn crappy so I guess it stands to reason that 2012 would start off that way. Since September I’ve lost 3 people close to me. It started with a man that has become like grandfather to me. Ricky and I sat with him and his wife in church every week. Both them are very sweet people. He lost his almost yearlong battle with pancreatic cancer. I can’t sit in that pew and not think about him. It always feels like something is missing and it’s made going to church harder. I just want to get up and move. While we were still getting over that Ricky’s grandpa fell and broke his leg and arm. At first I’m thinking he’ll have a surgery spend a few days or maybe a week in the hospital and then go home. I never could have imagined he would never see his home again or that I would never see him again. It became clear pretty quickly that there was more to it than just a broken arm and leg. It turned out he had cancer in his bones. It was all over his body and I don’t know if they even really know where it started from. A little less than 2 months later and he was gone. My grandpa had been bad for a while. Heck they said like 3 Christmas’s ago that he wouldn’t live a year. But he did. But things had gotten bad over the last couple of months and he ended up in a retirement home. He seemed to be doing well and then today we find out he passed away. I’m tired. I’m tired in every way a person can be tired. I’m normally a very emotional person but for some reason I have cried very few tears through this. Part of me is afraid once the tears start they won’t stop. There is so much anger and sadness in my heart right now but on the other hand I just feel numb. I think the hard part is I don’t feel like I have anybody to talk to. I feel so…alone. I feel lonely. I’m going through a really rough stretch and I feel like I am doing it totally alone. I’ve always been a religious person. I always believed in God and that he had a plan. That is what I have been telling myself lately. God has a plan! But the truth is my faith is being tested right now. Some days I truly wonder if there really is God. I do believe there is a God but I just feel like he’s turned his back on me. I feel like my prayers aren’t getting any higher than the ceiling. For the first time in my life I feel truly alone and it is driving me nuts! I feel weak and like I can’t get through this next week.
I’ll never understand why everything has to happen at once. But it seems that is how life works. Sometimes you feel like you get one thing off your plate and something else is plopped up there. There is never any break or even any time to catch your breath. You just got to keep on keeping on. I just wish I could stop life for a while. I need a vacation. I need a few moments away from the real world to just clear my head and relax. I haven’t felt relaxed in so long I don’t know if I know if it I felt it!
If there is one thing I have learned in my 24 years of life it’s this, tell the people you love that you love them! Life is so short! Don’t leave the people you love guessing on how you felt about them after you gone, leave no doubts. I hope the people I love know that I love them. I hope I don’t just tell them that I love them but that I show them that I love them all the time. I hope there is never any doubt in their minds that I love them and care about them! I hope their no doubt that they have changed my life and made my world a better place. Here’s to hoping I get through this next week and that the rest of 2012 is much better than the end of 2011 and the beginning of 2012!
“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, but learning to dance in the rain!”
No comments:
Post a Comment