Hey everybody! It’s been awhile since I wrote but here I am! So much going on in my life right now and so much stress! About the time I get through one thing here comes another. This crap train can stop any time lol! I’m ready for a break and some good things! My 24th birthday is next Saturday! I remember when birthday’s used to be such a big deal! I started counting down as soon as school ended lol! I got cards and money in the mail. I got to have a slumber party and invite all my friends. We ate all kinds of food and watched movies until the wee hours of the morning! It was my special day! Now I’m lucky if anybody remembers lol! I no longer have friends to do anything with. So I will spend the first part of it with my mom and sister at women’s conference and the last part with the rest of my family. Probably have some cake! I have been in an awful mood today for several reasons. I’m having one of those times where I just don’t feel like I fit in anywhere. I’m just feeling sort of lost right now! I’ll be honest I flat out feel lonely. I constantly feel like something is missing and I don’t’ know what it is or where to find it. I just wish I had friend I could count on. A friend who wouldn’t just ask me for advice and pour out their heart to me but let me do the same. I guess that is kind of what we all want! I don’t know how to explain what I am feeling. One of those things words simply fall short in explaining!
I’ve been watching a lot of movies lately! I love movies! My favorite that I have watched lately is The Help! It’s a great movie and is pretty funny as well! It has a great message and is also a great reminder of how black people suffered in the 40s and 50s. But the biggest thing I liked about this movie was that I could relate to the main character. I won’t tell you the whole story in case you go see it. I obviously can’t relate to everything she goes through but I can relate to her love for the babies she cares for. The only job I have ever had is babysitting. I started babysitting when I was 12 and have cared for dozens of children since then. For me it was never about earning a little money. It was a job I’ve always taken very seriously. It’s not always been an easy or fun job. The kids are usually the easy part, dealing with the parents not so much. I love them and care for them like they are my own. I get attached to them (especially the ones I kept for several hours every day)! I live in constant fear of doing something wrong and their parents taking them elsewhere! It can be painful sometimes. My sister and I watched a little boy at the beginning of the year for a few months. We loved the little guy so much and got so attached to him. And then one day with no notice his mom quit her job and that was the last time we watched him. You always know one day it will end. I won’t take care of this baby from now on but nothing can prepare you for the heartbreak you feel each time it happens. And no matter how many times I feel it, I never get used to it! I kept the nursery at my church for several years and I still remember the night they told me it was over. I understood why they had to do it but it broke my heart. I went to the bathroom and just bawled. I took a break from taking care of babies for a while. I couldn’t stay away long though! I can say with 100% honesty I don’t regret a single child that I have loved and gotten attached to! I don’t regret a single moment of doing this! I wish I could do this from now! But I don’t think I can live on $100 a month forever! My sister and I have been caring for this little baby girl for a while now! Cutest little thing! But I can sense the tension rising and I see the cracks forming. I know one day she will leave that house and never come back. She will leave my arms and never again return! It breaks my heart but it’s part of the job. I push forward after every heartbreak and long for the day when I have my own babies and nobody will take them away from me! Babies are gifts from God and true blessings! It also breaks my heart to see a parent who doesn’t appreciate that or their child. So I love the saying for the movie “You is smart, you is kind, and you is important!” If I cared for your baby for any amount of time please know I loved them and I could have never done anything to hurt them! Some caretakers are bad but most of us are not! I jump in feet first in loving these babies! For those of you, who take your child to daycare or to a sitter; don’t ever forget to thank them. Don’t ever forget all that they do! Their job isn’t an easy one and is often times filled with heartache and disappointment but they love your child and do their best in whatever time they have to love them and care for them as if they are their own! Taking care of babies has taught me a lot. But the main thing it has taught me is to really enjoy every single moment because life moves so fast. It’s so easy to get caught up in looking back and wishing you could change things or looking forward and worrying about the future that we so often miss out on the wonderful things in front of us. These babies are only babies for a short time. They are only a part of my life a short time and then they are gone. Most of them don’t even remember me, but I remember them! They are such a blessing to me and I carry a piece of each one of them in my heart everywhere I go! One of these days I will leave this job and begin teaching. Although they have their similarities I know it will be very different. Instead of just a couple of babies/toddlers it will be a room of kids who I am in charge of not just loving on and caring for but teaching everything they need to know. I worry I won’t get the joy out teaching that I do out of babysitting. I guess we will just see what happens. For now I am just enjoying every minute with bug and turby. And I know when the time comes for me to say goodbye to this job, I will walk away with a heavy heart but I will leave a better person! I will leave with no regrets! I will leave knowing I gave every part of me to caring for and loving these babies and I played a part in their live and they played a part in mine. I will walk away being able to smile and say “What a beautiful and wonderful adventure!”
Well I don’t know anything else! I hope you are all doing well! Just a few days let in childhood cancer awareness month!
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