The roller coaster of healing

I've gone back and forth on whether I wanted to discuss how I am dealing with my break up on here anymore or not. My first thought was I doubt anybody would want to read it but that was quickly followed by "Well no one reads it in the first place" lol. It's part of my journey and I want to document it. I know I could do it on a private journal but reading what other people who have been through this had to say and watching videos and stuff, I realized how nice that is to have. So I'd like to write it, in case someone is going through something similar now or years from now and needs encouragement that it does get better(And hopefully I will be able to show them it does get better haha). So here we go lol.

It's been 2 months since my relationship ended. It's been a long 2 months.  It feels like it's gone fast and yet very slow. It's been quite a roller coaster. A roller coaster I have no desire to ride again lol. There is a reason I've avoided roller coaster my whole life hehe. If I ever get into another relationship(and I'd say right now that's a big big big IF LOL), it'd better be forever because I'm not sure I could go through this again.

15 years is a long time. I don't think I realized how long until I started to unwind myself from that relationship and him. I think me being so young when we started dating, makes it even longer somehow.

As I mentioned in my previous blog, I was almost 15 when we started dating. I thought I was so grown up and I laugh at that now. I was so far from grown up! There was so much I didn't know. There was so much I didn't understand.

I grew up with this person. Your high school years through your early 20s are probably the most formative years of your life and I went through all of that with him. I'm realizing I don't know who I am as an adult without him. I feel like an entire half of my heart and who I am, just doesn't exist anymore. I know I have to rebuild that and discover who I am by myself as as a grown woman, to move on. I know that's going to take time but I am not known for my patience lol. I want this part to be over!

People ask "What's next?" "What do you want in partner?" "What things are important to you?". I don't know what's next. I'm still trying to figure all of that out. I haven't thought about what I want in a partner since I was 14 years old. As you can imagine, what I wanted then doesn't really match up with who I am now as a woman. But what do I want and what is important to me now? I couldn't even begin to tell you. Right now, I don't want a partner.  What's important to me right now, is me.

I feel like I'm starting back at like 14/15 years old. I feel like I've been on this journey that I was super invested in for 15 years and now someone has picked me up and put me back at the starting point in front of a completely different path. I know this journey will be worth it but it's scary as hell. Some days it's all just too much and I want to throw myself in the floor and have a fit like my nephews because I just don't want to do it lol. But I'm an adult and I know that's not going to fix anything and I know I don't have any choice at this point. There is no going back, that's done. I have to move forward. So I grab some chocolate, watch a movie, and have myself a good cry and then I get up and start moving forward again.

I also never realized how dependent I was on him. For 15 years, outside of my family he was the only constant person in my life. People filtered in and out but he was the only one there the whole last 15 years. For most of that time, I talked to him about everything. I don't open up to people easily or quickly but I could talk to him about anything. For most of that 15 years, we had an amazing emotional connection. He saw parts of my heart no one else has. I needed that.  We still talk but it'll never be the same. I think that's what I miss most, having someone to talk to. I've always been a loner. I've always had times where I felt really alone. But I feel more alone than ever these days. I like to put up a tough front and say I don't need people but I do and I don't know how to tell them I do. I always feel like if I try to start a conversation with someone, I'll be a burden. It's also very scary to think of trying to open up to someone again. Not to speak of the fact that I have some of the worst social skills God ever gave a person lol. The other day I thought "I should send this person a message" and that was quickly followed by "How do I start a conversation?" which was quickly followed by "How do I not bore them to tears?" So I nixed the idea. I guess those are things I'll have to work on through this process as well.

I've seen many people disappear from my life in the last 2 months. It hasn't surprised me to be honest. I always felt like people always loved him more and just sort of tolerated me. He was the outgoing one and I was the introverted shy forgettable one.  I knew from the moment we decided to break up that this would be end of whatever relationship I had with many people. But I don't think you can ever prepare for what it's going to be like for people to suddenly pretend they don't know you.  But I can't complain. I worried some of the ones who stayed would also go and they didn't. I've been really blessed to tell you the truth. I've got a few good people who have stuck by me and I know they will continue to. I'm really grateful for them.

This was way more sad and negative than I meant for it to be lol. There is a lot of good in this. I feel like all of this has opened up so many doors and windows for me. I feel like it's given me back hopes and dreams I thought were gone for good. It's shown me who I can really count on and shown me it was exactly who I thought it was. It's shown me I'm stronger than I thought I was.

So what have I learned in the last 2 months? Break ups suck...no easy way to put it. It's hard and it's lonely. Break ups after you've been together for so long, are completely and totally life changing. Break ups after you've been together for a long time since you were really young, are even that much harder... at least for me. Unwinding yourself from someone you've been with for so long is tedious, painful, and scary.  I'm a big messy work in progress right now and that's okay. If I do have a relationship in the future, I have to make healthier decisions. I have to do a better job of speaking up for myself and being true to myself. But mostly I've learned, it's not the end of the world and I'm going to be just fine. Life does go on.

Here are some pictures I've found inspirational this week!

World Mental Health Day(A day late lol)

I've opened up a blank page to write this entry at least 5 times in the last 24 to 48 hours and each time I closed it. I've just struggled to know exactly what I want to say and what I'm comfortable with sharing.

 Yesterday(October 10th) was World Mental Health Day. I've discussed my issues with mental illness before but it's still hard for me to talk about.

It's hard for me to put it into words. I know what it feels like to me. I know how it affects me. I know how it shapes pretty much every part of my life. I see how it affects the people around me, both their personal struggles with it and their struggles in watching me deal with it. I know what it's taken from me. But putting all of that into words that do this journey justice feels kind of impossible. I want to find words that help others who don't deal with this stuff understand exactly what it's like and what it feels like but those words just simply don't exist. Words will always fall short.

It's also hard for me to discuss this because it's a very personal thing and I'm not good with being vulnerable. That's why in the past I've skirted over it, especially the depression. The anxiety is hard, whether it be general or social. But the depression for me, is so much harder for some reason. Lots of people will admit to dealing with anxiety but fewer want to admit to having depression. I think it's a word that scares people. They think if you have issues with depression you automatically suicidal and they look at you different and they treat you different. It's just not as easy to discuss in my opinion. (If you want to read more about my issues with anxiety, there is another blog about that from awhile ago called Social Anxiety, feel free to check it out.)

Overall, I have a good life. I have a great family. I have the two most adorable amazing nephews in the world. I have a few good friends. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food on my table. There are so many people who deal with so much worse, who've been through so much more, and have it so much harder. Yet I'm the one who has days where getting out of bed feels like trying to swim up from the ocean floor with no oxygen. So I find myself feeling guilty and feeling bad for even bringing up my issues.

Guilt is part of depression, at least for me. Depression tells me a lot of things I know aren't true.  It tells me I'm wrong to feel what I feel.  It tells me I'm not trying and I'm lazy. It tells me I'll never amount to anything. It tells me I'll always be broken and there is no hope. It tells me I'm weak. It tells me there is no point. There is no point in doing anything. There is no point in feeling anything. There is no point in trying to have relationships with people because I'm a burden and I make people uncomfortable and they don't need me or want me around. It tells me everyone is going to leave me.   Sometimes it also tells me they'd be better off without me. All of that leads back to guilt.

I know one the main struggles I hear and read that people say about depression and anxiety and really any mental illness, is they feel alone. I certainly feel that way a lot. I feel like no one else could possibly understand what I'm going through or feeling or how scared I am or sad I feel or how lonely I am. I started talking about my mental illness issues more...I don't know a year or two ago. I was really surprised how many people came forward and let me know they deal with it too. People I'd known for ages and would've never guessed they deal with the same issues I do. People who seem to have it all together. The reality is mental illness doesn't care who you are or how great you life is. It doesn't care about the color of your skin or you education level or your job or your religion. It can effect anyone at any time.

 It makes me feel better to have these people come to me and tell me they are struggling with same issues I am and yet it makes me feel really really awful. It's nice to know that no matter what depression and anxiety are telling me, I'm not alone. But at the same time it guts me to think of these people ,who I adore and who deserve all the best the world has to offer,  fighting this battle too. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, let alone any of these people who have stepped forward and told me of their struggles. I wish I could take this battle from them. I wish nobody had to fight this.

But that's why we need World Mental Health Day. People need to be reminded often that they aren't alone, that they are loved, that they are wanted, that they are an important part of someone's life.
But also because there is still very much a stigma to having a mental illness. No one should ever be judged for something they didn't choose and can't control and yet it happens all the time. It wasn't maybe a week ago that someone in a Facebook group(a group with nothing to do with mental illness)  I am in made a post about her depression and two replies in someone telling her she could cure her depression with diet and exercise if she really wanted to. I've also heard religious people say that if your faith is strong you won't have anxiety or depression. If you'd pray harder, he'd fix it. If you'd use this oil or drink this shake or read this book or follow this plan or get out do more things...ect, it would fix your mental illness. People are suffering alone and committing suicide because they are afraid of reaching out and being judged or treated differently and that just breaks my heart.

I know people who say those things are for the most part trying to help but those comments aren't helpful. If there was a simple cure for mental illnesses, there wouldn't be so many of us still dealing with them. If someone is telling you about their mental illness, I can almost guarantee they aren't looking for you to fix it. I get it,I'm one of those that wants to find a solution to make things better for people. But those comments do nothing but cause more damage. Don't get me wrong, I think there are things you can do to help mental illnesses(especially depression and anxiety) but they aren't a cure all end all for everyone. If I had a penny for every time someone told me exercise would make my depression and anxiety better, I'd be a rich woman. Unfortunately exercise doesn't produce that natural high for me that everyone else talks about. It does nothing for my anxiety or depression. The bottom line is, that isn't what people are looking for when they confide in you most of the time . They are are looking for comfort. They are just looking for someone to be there.

So instead, tell them you love them. Tell them you are there for them. Tell them if they want to talk you are there to listen. Tell them they are important to you. Tell them you need them and want them in your life. Tell them you aren't going anywhere. Tell them they are amazing and strong. Tell them they aren't a burden. Don't stop telling them all of that stuff! People like to hear that stuff, even if they don't seem to believe you. It can make a huge difference.

If you are struggling with mental illness, please know you aren't alone! There are lots of us out there. Don't be afraid to reach out for help or reach out to someone just to talk. You are amazing and strong! Just keep  moving or in the words of Dory from Finding Nemo "Just keep swimming,swimming, swimming!".

For my friends and family, if you need to talk I'm always here. You know where to find me! You are all amazing and strong! You are important to me and I need you and want you in my life. You aren't a burden. I'm not going anywhere and I'll never ever give up on you!

I love to listen to people talk

This is going to be another blog, that I don't know exactly where it's going. That seems to be the case with most of my blogs lol. Some people plan out everything they are going to write before they write it...that's not my style. Which is kind of funny because when I try to talk to someone I try to plan for everything I could need or want to say. But writing for me is a chance to just spill my guts. But on to what is on mind.

I've always been the quiet one. I'm an introvert. I'm shy. I have social anxiety. I've talked about all of those things in the past, so I won't get into that.

Most people are surprised to find out, I actually had lots of friends as  child. I had one super close friend and others that filtered in and out at different times. But no matter who was or even now is, in my circle I'm always the quietest one. It's not that I'm the quietest or shyest girl in the world, it's that I have always been drawn to people who are extroverts with big personalities(also we live in a world with far more extroverted outgoing people than introverted shy people lol).  I'd say of all the friends I've ever had, 98% or more of them are extroverts. I think I need that balance in my life. The thought of trying to be friends with someone like me, doesn't really appeal to me. I create enough awkward silence on my own lol.

I also think it surprises most people that while talking isn't really my thing, I love to listen to people talk. I like to talk to people online or through text but I truly love to listen to people talk in person. I like to watch how people's emotions change as they talk. I like to hear their laugh when they tell a funny story. I love to hear about people's lives, their dreams, their worries. I love to listen to parents talk about their kids(or grandparents talk about their grandkids) and see the love in their eyes. Even if they are talking about a problem they are having with their child, the love always shines through. There is just nothing better though than to listen to someone talk about something they are excited and passionate about and seeing their eyes light up. I can't explain it, I just enjoy that. I think that's why I like to watch Youtube vlogs lol. Listening to someone talk, helps me to feel more comfortable with them and eventually I'll start giving my opinions or adding my own stories.

But I've found as an adult, friendships have disappeared and/or have become really superficial.  I don't get a lot of opportunities to sit with most of the people I care about and just listen to them talk and talk with them. I miss it. I don't think I realized until just very recently after getting a chance to do just that, just how much I do miss that.

As a child, I found children were more willing to talk and be patient with you and give you time to get comfortable. Adults aren't.

Maybe it's because most adults have such busy schedules and so much going on, but they don't seem to like to give people time to warm up and have little patience with them. Also if I do feel comfortable with someone, I tend to word vomit and overwhelm them and make them uncomfortable. There is no in between for me.  So people end up just sticking with small talk around me. While I love to listen to people, I strongly dislike small talk....especially when it's done in a way that feels like an obligation.

So I find myself wondering what's wrong with me and wishing I was someone that I'm not. I've always wanted to be that extrovert with the big bubbly personality that everyone wants to be around. I tried a lot as teenager to be that. That's what everyone is looking for(even me without realizing it) and it always seemed so much easier than being the introvert that people didn't understand and didn't want to take the time to get to know.

But I also know the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I know from talking to friends who are extroverted and have big bubbly personalities because they are happy and bubbly most of the time that people just expect them to be all the time and nobody is happy and bubbly all the time. I'm sure it's frustrating to feel pressure to always be the happy bubbly one. I try really hard to not put those expectations on people because it's neither fair or realistic. As a whole, this worlds needs to do a better job pushing people to embrace who they are and feel what they feel. No one likes to be told who they are or what they feel in a certain moment is wrong. It hurts. So I say be your 100% authentic self and feel the way you feel and tell anyone who tells you otherwise to screw off lol.

Look Melinda chased another rabbit lol. Back to the point of the blog now!

So I guess what I'm saying is, if you haven't taken the time to really sit down with someone and put all of your energy into listening to them, try it sometime. You'll probably learn something and might even enjoy yourself. Also when it comes to those of us who are quieter and who take longer to warm up, be patient and don't be afraid to talk to us. I can't speak for everyone who is quieter and slow to warm up but I love to hear people talk about themselves and their lives and their hopes and dreams and their worries and I'll jump in when I'm ready and comfortable. You never know who you'll miss out on getting to know if you just blow off us quiet people lol.

I don't really know that this blog makes any sense at all or is even interesting but there it is lol. Here are a couple of pictures that go along with this blog that I like!

I'm alright

 I'll go ahead and warn you this blog, is going to be long and I'm probably going to ramble lol. We'll see where it goes.

It's funny what will spark a moment of understanding for me. I could make this story short but then I wouldn't be me lol.  I'll also say there's a chance I'll be discussing things I've already written about at least once before...but there may be things I've written about 14 times in here as well. I'm not going back to read old blogs to find out though :).

We moved last Fall to the house we are in now. This house is considerably smaller than our old house and there is like zero storage space. I loved my old bedroom. It was nice sized. I had picked the colors of the walls(blue of course) and painted it. I had a nice size closet with lots of shelves(my closet now is a hole in the wall with a pole hung across it, zero shelves. No idea who would think that would be a good idea for a closet but it bites lol). There was room to move around with ease. It was probably not a room anybody else would want or want in there house but I LOVED it. It was the hardest thing to leave in my old house for me(I actually brought the full length mirror off the closet door with me, I just had to have something of old room lol). There are things I do like better about my new room than my old room but not many to be honest. But I've made it mine and I enjoy being in it.

 But like the house, my room is way smaller than my old room. It is wall to wall to wall furniture and I have a trail to walk around. I was moving something a bit ago and hit the chord on my lamp on my nightstand which fell off and hit something else that fell over and hit something else knocking it over on top of a stack of my many notebooks causing the notebooks to slide down leaving a pile of notebooks strung across my floor. I couldn't help but laugh. That's how you know your room is small and/or you have too much stuff lol. I rarely had that problem in my old room because there was plenty of room for all my crap. I threw away and threw away and threw away when we were packing to move and I still have every corner of this room full to capacity lol. Maybe if I had better organizational skills...or maybe I should say if I had organizational skills at all it'd be better. But as it is, it's kind of chaos in here lol.

 Anyway on to my point and off of that rabbit. When that sequence of events happened,  I instantly thought "That kinda sums up my life the last 2.5 years." We've all seen the videos where they line up the dominoes in a line and push one and they all fall or my personal favorite the match videos where they put together cool designs with the matches and light one match and they all slowly light. The latter might be a better way to sum up the last 2.5 years of my life.  One thing happens and it causes something else to happen and it affects something else which affects something else which affects something else until everything is on fire.

It wasn't that long ago that, that thought would have made me really sad and would've made me start feeling sorry for myself. But tonight  immediately the quote "Hope rises like a phoenix from ashes of shattered dreams" popped in my head. As I thought about it I realized while those dominoes were falling and dreams were burning and I felt like I'd never be okay again, something else was going on that I couldn't see yet. New doors were opening. New dreams were forming. New roads were opening up. Dreams I'd put away were mine to dream again.

A lot of things I watched fall and burn are things that I was clinging to. Change scares me. I think change scares most people. So I held on as tight as I could to those things I knew needed to be changed. Sometimes the good Lord has to allow what you won't allow to happen, to happen. I look back and I realize for me to put 100% of myself into the next thing thrown my way the last thing had to go and so on and so on. In other words, those dreams and parts of my life that were burning weren't things that were going to benefit me in the long run. They were things that were in my way and slowing me down. I truly believe in the long run, I'll find it was all for my benefit.

Last week Shania Twain put out a new album for the first time in 15 years. I was so excited that they went ahead and put all the songs on Youtube! I love them all but I fell especially in love with her song called "I'm alright".  It's funny, I've noticed recently when someone ask me how I am I've started saying "I'm alright" without thinking. I always used to just say "I'm good" no matter what and I don't know when that changed but for some reason it's a change that I found interesting. So the title of the song immediately jumped out at me. It's a powerful song! Things are hard right now. Some days are harder than others. But I have no doubt I'll get through this stronger, more determined and happier. I'm alright right now, working towards great :).

Side note, someone asked me the other day how I was and I said "I'm alright" and they looked at me for a second and said "Are you sure?" skeptically. Those are the kind of people you need in your life, they see through what you are saying and the front you put up!

So if you are going through a hard time, keep your head up. You aren't alone and you will be okay again. Be gentle and kind with yourself. Don't be afraid to reach out to friends or family if you need to. Most importantly just keep on keeping on!

Here is Shania Twain's song I was talking about, if you want to listen:

My birthday blog

Well it's my 30th birthday...in some ways I feel way older but mostly it's mind boggling to me that I am already 30 lol.

I feel grateful. I know many people never see 30 and I have. That's an enormous blessing. While I've had my share of heartache and pain in these 30 years, I've also been blessed with so many wonderful times, memories, and most importantly people. As I look back at the last 30 years there are far more memories that make me smile, than make me feel anything else.

I feel excited. I can't wait to see what the 30 years of my life look like. I can't wait to see what kind of beautiful memories I make and how many more beautiful people I get to meet and love on and enjoy. While I'm an introvert and I like my alone time and I like to keep my circle small, I sure do enjoy loving on and enjoying those people I do let in and I can't wait to see who I'm destined to cross paths with.

But I can't lie there is some sadness for me. I always had hopes and dreams about what life would like at 30 and if I'm brutality honest...this isn't it. I felt really sad coming up this birthday but in the last couple of weeks my feelings have slowly changed.  I'm not where I want to be and my life isn't exactly what I wish it was. But I've realized there is never going to be a time where everything is perfect and I'm completely 100% happy with the way things are...and that's okay as long as I'm working to change things.

I am proud. I think in the last 3 or 4 years I've really found who I am and what I believe and feel and I feel I've done a better job in the last 3 or 4 years living as the person I truly am, than I ever have before. I think of who I was at 20 as opposed to who I am at 30 and it's crazy how different I am. I love the woman I am becoming. The last year has been unbelievably hard and full of incredibly hard decisions that I never thought I'd have to make. But I'm proud I've had the strength to make them and to make them in a way that is 100% true to the woman I am. I truly feel I've found my own voice and I desperately needed to do that.

So what are the next 30 years going to hold for me? Who knows lol. I sure don't. But I plan to do everything I can, to make them the best 30 years of my life. I think I'll keep my hopes smaller than I did as a child for when I turned 30 lol. I hope to do a better job taking life one day at a time and finding good in each day. I hope to enjoy more time with the people I love.  I hope to do a better job taking in those small moments and the big moments too with the people I love and really enjoying them. I hope to make more time to smell the roses and do things I enjoy doing. I hope to spend more time looking at the stars and moon. I hope to take more pictures. I hope to laugh more. I hope to make people happy more and make them laugh more. I hope to tell them how much I love them more. I hope to learn to be okay with not being everyone's cup of tea and understanding not everyone has my heart and will treat the way I treat them. I hope to do something with my life that makes a difference in someone elses life. I hope to get to taste love again and find someone to enjoy life with. I hope to have my own babies to love on and watch grow and raise. I hope to make lots more beautiful memories. I hope to learn to be kinder to myself. I hope to learn to be okay with putting myself first sometimes because I deserve my own energy, attention, and time as much as anybody else. I hope to see the world. I hope to be more grateful for every breathe, ever birthday, ever holiday, every memory, and every person the good Lord chooses to give me because that's what makes this life beautiful!




Here is some music that is inspiring me today on my birthday!

 

 

Happy 30th birthday to me! I hope everyone has had a wonderful weekend!