Well we have been without internet again...9 days so far(finally got it back on, on day 9). It's been harder this time, which took me by surprise to be honest. It gives me too much time to think. Some of the thinking is good and some of it isn't lol.
It also gave me time to work on decorating my room more and by that I mean more quotes and more pictures of my nephews :).
I started putting up quotes on my walls long before we moved here. But it was just a few. My walls look like a patchwork quilt of quotes now LOL. Which probably tells you how my life has been gone lately :). It started off as positive quotes and now it's become quotes that mean something to me. A lot of these quotes I think most people would probably not want on their wall or understand why someone would want them on their wall. I guess that's me for ya lol. They are in sections for specific reasons. There in a specific order for a specific reason. It's kind of become an obsession lol. When I look at them it makes me feel good. When I look at them it feels like a small portion of my brain come to life.
I think one quote sums it all up though
"Life is amazing. And then it's awful. And then it's amazing. And in between the amazing and the awful it's ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That's just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful ordinary life. And it's breath takingly beautiful!"
That quote is in big hot pink letters right square in the middle of the quotes that are most important to me. It represents everything all the quotes mean to me. We want life to be nice and neat and easy. But that's not reality and it's not what's best for us. If we all got to sit and be happy and healthy and loved and our hearts whole and unbroken, we'd be awfully lazy, ignorant, and many other not nice things. The things that leave us awake at 4AM are the things that shape up and teach us. Heartbreak makes us more sympathetic. When people break our hearts it makes more grateful for the people in our lives we love and more grateful for the fact that things are good between us at that moment. But sometimes the people you love most and who love you most, are the ones that hurt you the worst and from that you learn forgiveness.
Most people who put quotes around them put just quotes people see as positive. But the quotes on my walls are a combination of both. There are positive quotes such as the one above but there are other quotes. They are quotes that represent hard things for me and lessons learned and lessons I'm still working on learning. The represent things I love and things that make me, me. They represent me and my life and my journey. They remind me how blessed I am and they remind me that no matter how bad things are to never ever forget that.
They are good therapy. They are good therapy to write and hang up. They are good therapy to have where I can see them and read them whenever I want. They are good therapy to give me the feeling of having control over something when I feel like everything else is out of control. I get to decide what goes up there, what color it's written in, if it's in cursive or not, where it goes on the wall. I'm the kind of person who wants to fix things and sometimes things can't be fixed with simple actions. Sometimes they take time. But this gives me something to do in the mean time. I see my quotes as like the marks on a wall people use to show how much their kids grow from year to year. I started off printing off quotes but that's not cheap when you're on a budget. So I started writing them on simple computer paper with permanent marker and I realized it was far more therapeutic if I wrote it. When I first started writing them I'd write them and rewrite them over and over trying to make them perfect. If I messed up I started over. But I realized that marking out the mess up and continuing on made me feel better for some reason. Different quotes jump out at at different times and sometimes it's for completely different reasons than why I put them up there. Some quotes I can't even remember why I put them up there in the first place. I know it looks like an unorganized, ugly, chaotic mess to some people but it's mine and it means so much to me.
So if you have an empty wall and don't know what to put on it, make it your own. Put up pictures and quotes and things that make you feel good and make you feel blessed and make you think of good and bad times. But don't forget to include things that represent hard times and lessons learned because those are just as if not more important. You won't regret it :).
Wednesday, July 26, 2017
Thursday, July 13, 2017
Church...why I'm taking a break...maybe permanently
I think I can say with quite a bit of certainty that this blog will not be a fun one. It won't be fun for me to write and it won't be fun for people to read I'm afraid. I've tried to write this blog 3 times before and never finished it. It felt wrong for so long. It felt wrong to put this out there where others could read it, especially others who know the church involved and even more the people involved. It felt wrong to put my emotions out there where others could read them. But 3 different instances have brought this to my mind lately and I realized the wound from this is still huge and raw. I realized it's my story and my feelings and my broken heart and I have every right to write about it. I've spent so much time pushing it away and hoping it would just get better and go away on it's own. But it's only grown larger and more raw. So I thought maybe writing about it publicly would help me to start dealing with it. So let's see if I actually finish it and post it this time lol.
Church has been apart of my life as long as I can remember. We attended the same church from the time I was probably 2 or so until I was in a freshman in high school. At that point I was over the youth group at the church we were attending and my parents were having other issues. So I left first and went to my boyfriends church. My parents and sister left and went to another church shortly after.
Up until about 3 or 3.5 years ago I loved it. I loved the people. I loved the style. It was great. I started working in the nursery about a year after I started going there and LOVED it. Sunday school was great. Youth group was great. But where I really felt I belonged was in the nursery. From the moment I started in there, it felt like my place. After I graduated high school I was given an even bigger role and I flourished there.
The oldest two kids I first kept in there have graduated high school and the little sister of one of them is in high school! It boggles my mind it's been that long ago. Those 3 will always be special to me, especially the youngest one. I started keeping her when she was like 10 months old and I kept keeping her until she was 5. I remember one time especially fondly. She was going through a stage of separation anxiety. They dropped her off with me and not long after they left she started to cry. I picked her up and walked all over that room with her singing to her until she fell asleep in my arms. I sat down in a chair and just watched her sleep for an hour. Her sister loved for me to give her piggy back rides. I gave her so many piggy back rides I should've turned into a piggy lol. I give her a piggy back ride around the room so she could get toys or books and then we'd go to the table and play or read for awhile and then I'd give her a piggy back ride to put them up and get something new. I kept one little boy many times who loved Thomas the Train and he'd always go right to the Thomas the Train book we had and start playing with it and he wouldn't stop until it was time to go. I kept another baby boy who had separation anxiety and I spent every Sunday walking around with him, singing to him or bouncing him or shushing him until he'd fall asleep in my arms. One of my last memories was keeping a brand new baby I'd been excitedly waiting to keep. I only kept her once. I sat in the rocker with the light off and fed her her bottle and then she fell asleep on my chest. I had no way of knowing how close the end was and I'm glad I didn't. I still remember the prayer the kids would say when they ate their snacks and I can still hear their little voices in my head saying it. So many wonderful memories.
Over the years many amazing babies and children came into the nursery. Some for just a service or two and others for years. It was so rewarding no matter how long they stayed. But it wasn't just the kids, I got to know many wonderful adults as well. I formed relationships I thought I'd get to keep for a very very long time.
I knew some day I wouldn't keep the nursery any more. I mean that's how life goes. I always imagined it would be on my terms. I think most people think things like this will end on their terms and not someone elses. I always imagined it would be a celebratory thing with lots of thank yous and what not. I imagined it would be a sweet time. I never ever could have guessed how very wrong the image in my head was.
It happened slowly. So slowly, I didn't realize it was happening. Little by little I was being pushed out. It wasn't until without warning, without discussion, without reason the Sunday morning service was taken from me and they started having volunteers do it that I realized what was going on. I had noticed the attitudes of the other two women in the nursery towards me had changed but I didn't realize how much it had changed. That hurt. It hurt that it happened and it hurt to not even be told. I found out through the grapevine. People around me assured that it wasn't that big of deal and I could still volunteer and keep the nursery. So I pushed down my feelings, put on a smile, and put my name on the list a few times. But it wasn't the same. I no longer felt welcome there. I no longer felt there was a place for me in there. So when the sign up sheet went around the next time, I didn't sign up. As a matter of fact, I never signed up again. I was still in the nursery for Sunday school when needed and that would have to be enough. It wasn't enough and I could feel it slipping from my fingers. I think I knew that it was only a matter of time until that was gone too.
On August 30th,2015 my heart was completely crushed. There hadn't really been anyone in the nursery in Sunday school in years at that point. So I had been going into the adult class. I some how ended up being the one who did the box. On that day I opened the roll to find someone had been moved in to the class...me. Just like Sunday morning worship, I wasn't told, there was no explanation, and there was no warning. There sure weren't any thank yous and it was far from on my terms. There were no goodbyes. No closure. Nothing. It was just over and I was just left to pick up the pieces of my crushed heart. I've wondered many times how long it would've been before I figured it out if I hadn't been the one who did the roll. Because they sure weren't going to come and tell me.
I spent the whole morning on the verge of tears and when I got home in the safety of my room the tears just wouldn't stop. I kept being told it wasn't a big deal. Some people were okay with me talking about it for awhile but eventually I could sense they were over it. But I wasn't. It sent me into a tailspin of depression that I still haven't climbed out of. I mean other things have furthered it but that was where it started.
I pushed it all down. I put it on the back burner. As I said I hoped as time went it'd get better better on it's own.
But what a shock it hasn't. Sitting there watching people take babies to the nursery would reopen that wound every time. Seeing new babies come in that I would never get the chance to bond with and love on and enjoy just broke my heart over and over and over. Seeing the people who I had once been close to walk past me without ever acknowledging what they'd done planted a seed of anger inside of me and left me feeling really alone. At around the time we hit a year since I'd been removed from the nursery I started to notice that being at church gave me awful anxiety. I spent many mornings in the bathroom trying to stop hyperventilating so I could get the feeling back in my hands and feet. I didn't understand it.
I was playing with the idea of taking break several months ago and had even written a whole Facebook post saying I was taking one but then didn't post it. But then it was done for me. There was a situation that made it where I didn't have a ride to church for multiple weeks and I realized within a few weeks I didn't miss it and I didn't want to go back. So when it came time for me to go back, I didn't and months later I still haven't. I don't know if I will ever go back to my old church or any church for that matter.
It wasn't until I mentioned the anxiety to someone and they asked if something traumatic had happened there that I put the pieces together. I was anxious there because I no longer felt like I belonged and because I was broken and trying to ignore it. I was anxious there because it was a place where very big painful wounds were reopened over and over and over and outside of not going back I can't see how to stop that.
One thing I will say I've learned though this is to never down play another person's pain. It may seem small to you but to them it could be soul crushing and life changing. This wasn't small for me. The nursery was so much more than a position at church for me. It was part of who I was. I spent 10+ plus years pouring my heart and soul into it. It was my passion. It kept me going during rough times.
Losing that was devastating but it was made so much worse by nobody having the guts to come to me and tell me what was going on. Years before this they did away with the paid nursery worker job I had on Sunday and Wednesday nights because no one was coming any more. It sucked but they were open and honest and told me what was going on and what going to happen. I felt sad but I also felt valued because they took the time to discuss it with me. I was sad for a bit but life moved on and it wasn't a big deal. But when this went down I felt like I didn't matter to them. I was disposable. My time, my energy, my passion, and the heart I poured into it didn't mean anything at the end of the day. I felt like in their eyes I wasn't worth the time and energy it would've taken for them to discuss it me. I'd made their lives easier for 10 years and they were done with me. They didn't care about me or my feelings and they didn't respect me. I wasn't valuable to them then and in reality... I never was.
I know these kind of things aren't supposed to be done for human approval. What I didn't know, was that meant they could stomp all over my heart and I was supposed to take it with a smile. I didn't need them to throw me a party. I didn't need them make a big to do over it. I just needed them respect me and the time I'd spent in that nursery enough to be honest with me. I feel like 10+ years of pouring everything I could into it should've earned me at least that.
It made me wonder what I'd done or what was wrong with me that I deserved to be treated like that. I spent days and weeks and months and now years going over everything in my head trying to make sense of it. I've realized it's pointless to try to figure it out. It just drives me crazy. I'll never understand. It'll never be okay. It'll never not hurt. It'll never not be a big soul crushing moment for me.
At the end of the day, even with as much hurt as this mess has caused me I wouldn't change a thing. I'd still would've jumped at the chance to be there in the nursery. I still would've poured myself into it and given all I had into it because the memories I made are amazing and no one can take those away. But that doesn't mean I can go back to the place where it all happened and pretend I'm okay with what happened. I'm not and honestly I don't know if I ever will be.
Church has been apart of my life as long as I can remember. We attended the same church from the time I was probably 2 or so until I was in a freshman in high school. At that point I was over the youth group at the church we were attending and my parents were having other issues. So I left first and went to my boyfriends church. My parents and sister left and went to another church shortly after.
Up until about 3 or 3.5 years ago I loved it. I loved the people. I loved the style. It was great. I started working in the nursery about a year after I started going there and LOVED it. Sunday school was great. Youth group was great. But where I really felt I belonged was in the nursery. From the moment I started in there, it felt like my place. After I graduated high school I was given an even bigger role and I flourished there.
The oldest two kids I first kept in there have graduated high school and the little sister of one of them is in high school! It boggles my mind it's been that long ago. Those 3 will always be special to me, especially the youngest one. I started keeping her when she was like 10 months old and I kept keeping her until she was 5. I remember one time especially fondly. She was going through a stage of separation anxiety. They dropped her off with me and not long after they left she started to cry. I picked her up and walked all over that room with her singing to her until she fell asleep in my arms. I sat down in a chair and just watched her sleep for an hour. Her sister loved for me to give her piggy back rides. I gave her so many piggy back rides I should've turned into a piggy lol. I give her a piggy back ride around the room so she could get toys or books and then we'd go to the table and play or read for awhile and then I'd give her a piggy back ride to put them up and get something new. I kept one little boy many times who loved Thomas the Train and he'd always go right to the Thomas the Train book we had and start playing with it and he wouldn't stop until it was time to go. I kept another baby boy who had separation anxiety and I spent every Sunday walking around with him, singing to him or bouncing him or shushing him until he'd fall asleep in my arms. One of my last memories was keeping a brand new baby I'd been excitedly waiting to keep. I only kept her once. I sat in the rocker with the light off and fed her her bottle and then she fell asleep on my chest. I had no way of knowing how close the end was and I'm glad I didn't. I still remember the prayer the kids would say when they ate their snacks and I can still hear their little voices in my head saying it. So many wonderful memories.
Over the years many amazing babies and children came into the nursery. Some for just a service or two and others for years. It was so rewarding no matter how long they stayed. But it wasn't just the kids, I got to know many wonderful adults as well. I formed relationships I thought I'd get to keep for a very very long time.
I knew some day I wouldn't keep the nursery any more. I mean that's how life goes. I always imagined it would be on my terms. I think most people think things like this will end on their terms and not someone elses. I always imagined it would be a celebratory thing with lots of thank yous and what not. I imagined it would be a sweet time. I never ever could have guessed how very wrong the image in my head was.
It happened slowly. So slowly, I didn't realize it was happening. Little by little I was being pushed out. It wasn't until without warning, without discussion, without reason the Sunday morning service was taken from me and they started having volunteers do it that I realized what was going on. I had noticed the attitudes of the other two women in the nursery towards me had changed but I didn't realize how much it had changed. That hurt. It hurt that it happened and it hurt to not even be told. I found out through the grapevine. People around me assured that it wasn't that big of deal and I could still volunteer and keep the nursery. So I pushed down my feelings, put on a smile, and put my name on the list a few times. But it wasn't the same. I no longer felt welcome there. I no longer felt there was a place for me in there. So when the sign up sheet went around the next time, I didn't sign up. As a matter of fact, I never signed up again. I was still in the nursery for Sunday school when needed and that would have to be enough. It wasn't enough and I could feel it slipping from my fingers. I think I knew that it was only a matter of time until that was gone too.
On August 30th,2015 my heart was completely crushed. There hadn't really been anyone in the nursery in Sunday school in years at that point. So I had been going into the adult class. I some how ended up being the one who did the box. On that day I opened the roll to find someone had been moved in to the class...me. Just like Sunday morning worship, I wasn't told, there was no explanation, and there was no warning. There sure weren't any thank yous and it was far from on my terms. There were no goodbyes. No closure. Nothing. It was just over and I was just left to pick up the pieces of my crushed heart. I've wondered many times how long it would've been before I figured it out if I hadn't been the one who did the roll. Because they sure weren't going to come and tell me.
I spent the whole morning on the verge of tears and when I got home in the safety of my room the tears just wouldn't stop. I kept being told it wasn't a big deal. Some people were okay with me talking about it for awhile but eventually I could sense they were over it. But I wasn't. It sent me into a tailspin of depression that I still haven't climbed out of. I mean other things have furthered it but that was where it started.
I pushed it all down. I put it on the back burner. As I said I hoped as time went it'd get better better on it's own.
But what a shock it hasn't. Sitting there watching people take babies to the nursery would reopen that wound every time. Seeing new babies come in that I would never get the chance to bond with and love on and enjoy just broke my heart over and over and over. Seeing the people who I had once been close to walk past me without ever acknowledging what they'd done planted a seed of anger inside of me and left me feeling really alone. At around the time we hit a year since I'd been removed from the nursery I started to notice that being at church gave me awful anxiety. I spent many mornings in the bathroom trying to stop hyperventilating so I could get the feeling back in my hands and feet. I didn't understand it.
I was playing with the idea of taking break several months ago and had even written a whole Facebook post saying I was taking one but then didn't post it. But then it was done for me. There was a situation that made it where I didn't have a ride to church for multiple weeks and I realized within a few weeks I didn't miss it and I didn't want to go back. So when it came time for me to go back, I didn't and months later I still haven't. I don't know if I will ever go back to my old church or any church for that matter.
It wasn't until I mentioned the anxiety to someone and they asked if something traumatic had happened there that I put the pieces together. I was anxious there because I no longer felt like I belonged and because I was broken and trying to ignore it. I was anxious there because it was a place where very big painful wounds were reopened over and over and over and outside of not going back I can't see how to stop that.
One thing I will say I've learned though this is to never down play another person's pain. It may seem small to you but to them it could be soul crushing and life changing. This wasn't small for me. The nursery was so much more than a position at church for me. It was part of who I was. I spent 10+ plus years pouring my heart and soul into it. It was my passion. It kept me going during rough times.
Losing that was devastating but it was made so much worse by nobody having the guts to come to me and tell me what was going on. Years before this they did away with the paid nursery worker job I had on Sunday and Wednesday nights because no one was coming any more. It sucked but they were open and honest and told me what was going on and what going to happen. I felt sad but I also felt valued because they took the time to discuss it with me. I was sad for a bit but life moved on and it wasn't a big deal. But when this went down I felt like I didn't matter to them. I was disposable. My time, my energy, my passion, and the heart I poured into it didn't mean anything at the end of the day. I felt like in their eyes I wasn't worth the time and energy it would've taken for them to discuss it me. I'd made their lives easier for 10 years and they were done with me. They didn't care about me or my feelings and they didn't respect me. I wasn't valuable to them then and in reality... I never was.
I know these kind of things aren't supposed to be done for human approval. What I didn't know, was that meant they could stomp all over my heart and I was supposed to take it with a smile. I didn't need them to throw me a party. I didn't need them make a big to do over it. I just needed them respect me and the time I'd spent in that nursery enough to be honest with me. I feel like 10+ years of pouring everything I could into it should've earned me at least that.
It made me wonder what I'd done or what was wrong with me that I deserved to be treated like that. I spent days and weeks and months and now years going over everything in my head trying to make sense of it. I've realized it's pointless to try to figure it out. It just drives me crazy. I'll never understand. It'll never be okay. It'll never not hurt. It'll never not be a big soul crushing moment for me.
At the end of the day, even with as much hurt as this mess has caused me I wouldn't change a thing. I'd still would've jumped at the chance to be there in the nursery. I still would've poured myself into it and given all I had into it because the memories I made are amazing and no one can take those away. But that doesn't mean I can go back to the place where it all happened and pretend I'm okay with what happened. I'm not and honestly I don't know if I ever will be.
Thursday, July 6, 2017
The Lovely Bones(a book and movie review).
I mentioned in a previous blog that I wanted to start reviewing movies. I was thinking today though that I'd also like to review books and also compare and contrast books and movies based on those books. I don't have internet right now and won't for a few weeks, so I'll probably be uploading a bunch of these at one time lol. I'm going to have a lot of time on my hands to read and write. We'll see if that's a good or bad thing LOL.
So I first want to say that I love books with reading group guides and questions in them. I'm not in any reading groups or book clubs or anything(although I'd like to be, just none around here that I know of) but I feel like reading that stuff before I read the book and then coming back to it after I read the book helps me to really dive deeper into a book and understand it.
So the book I'm doing in this entry is "The Lovely Bones" by Alice Sebold. I know there is a movie based on this book and I've seen it and I love it. So I'll do a little comparing at the end.
"The Lovely Bones" is a book about the rape and murder of 14 year old Susie Salmon. She is the narrator and she is narrating from her heaven. The book jumps back and forth between memories from before her murder(also some scenes of her murder) to the aftermath of her murder.
It follows her family and her friends as they make their way through the winding awful road that is grief. It shows how all of their lives are completely and permanently changed. There are many books and movies that do that. But what makes this book unique is as previously mentioned it's narrated by Susie and follows her road of dealing with what has happened to her and what is happening to her family and friends and as the book goes on how she deals with the fact that her family, friends, and the world she left are all changing and moving on without her.
I love love love this book. I've read it several times now and every time I feel different when I finish it and I notice different things. I find that all of the characters are well thought out, well rounded, interesting, and unique characters. In some books the characters feel like the same person, just different names. But this is not one of those books. The characters are all very different from each other. They are deep well developed characters.
The story line is great. It's a story line that has been done many times but the author tackles it in a completely unique way. It's full of hidden messages and hidden connections you might not notice the first or even second or third time you read it. As I mentioned I always notice something new.
So let's talk about some things I'm not as wild about.
There are small things like the fact that Susie's killer dies without ever being caught and held accountable for what he did to her and many other girls and that her body is dumped in the sink hole and never found. I get it though, it works for the message in this story. Also the reality is tons of people never have a body for their missing loved one and many many murders go unsolved. So it makes sense and is realistic. But that doesn't mean I don't want to see her body found and the creep caught lol.
I also think the way the author handled relationships is weird(I'll get into more over that when I answer the questions).
The big thing I don't like is towards the end of the book there is a scene where the guy(Ray) Susie liked and was just starting to date when she died and a girl(Ruth) who saw her spirit when she died(she became good friends with Ray after Susie's death) come back to town like 8.5 years after her death because they are going to fill in the sink hole and the sink hole is something that has always interested Ruth and she wants to see it before they fill it in and she wants Ray to come with her. So after they look at the sink hole, Ray goes to collect flowers for his mom and suddenly Susie enters Ruth's body and Ruth goes to heaven. She(Susie in Ruth's body) takes him to a bike shop and they have sex basically like rabbits for awhile and then of course she has to go back to her heaven and Ruth has to come back.
On the surface, it's kind of a romantic sweet moment. But the more I think about the scene the less I like it. First off, it seems weird to me that a guy would still be hung up on a girl he had a crush on at 14 as a grown man. Second off, Susie is of course stuck at 14 years old and he is now an adult. Third off, it's obviously not even her body, it's Ruth's. It just seems weird to me that a dead girl who was raped and has such issues with that would then steal someone else's body and have sex in it without her consent. Not only that but she thinks more than once that she hopes Ruth is watching(Grant it, one of those times she thinks that she says she hopes she's watching so she can see how beautiful she think's Ruth's body is but it is still weird to me lol). This is maybe the one scene I felt was handled better in the movie than in the book. But I'll get into that more later. It's one of those scene's your better off not analyzing too much and remembering it's just a book lol.
So now for reading group questions.
1. Although many readers remember the first lines of The Lovely Bones as "My name was Salmon, like the fish..." the novel's opening is actually a brief passage about a snow globe that Susie observed as a child. What is the significance of this beginning? In a "perfect world", it would seem, one is both imprisoned and protected. Is Susie's heaven a blessing or curse?
The significance of the beginning is that's basically where Susie ends up. I believe her heaven is both a blessing and a curse. In her heaven she is safe, she has everything she needs, and she has friends who understand what she's been through and help her work through the process. But she can see her friends and family but she can't help them to find her body or let know who killed her and help them find George Harvey. She can see the things they are going through but she can't help them. She can see them moving on and things changing without her.
2. In Susie's heaven, the dead enjoy a number of comforts and simple pleasures. Yet it is far from a perfect place-not all wishes can be granted, and many of the inhabitants are victims of crimes. Why do the heavens of different characters-e.g., Franny, Holly, Flora Hernandez-take such different forms? Is Sebold offering a rosy view of death and its aftermath? Or do you think she is saying something more profound about the individual experiences of loss and grief?
I think she is saying more about individual experience of loss and grief. The thing that stands out to me in this book is how different each character is and how they handle things differently. She seems to paint heaven as being a representation of the each person's life and the things that were important to them and the things they dreamed of. So that means each individual's heaven is different. There are places that overlap with others but no one's heaven is exactly a like, just like their lives weren't exactly alike. I mean it is a rosy nice thought that heaven would be like that but I don't think that was the point she was trying to make. But I guess you'd have to ask her if you want the real answer lol.
3. Rape is one of the most alienating experiences imaginable. Susie's rape ends in murder and changes her family and friends forever. Alienation is transferred, in a sense, to Susie's parents and siblings. How does each member of Susie's family experience loneliness and isolation after her death?
Her mom already felt isolated and lonely to a certain extent I think but after Susie's death everyone treated her differently but hardest for her I think was that her husband became consumed with finding Susie's murderer. She was left dealing with the brutal death of her daughter on her own. Her dad felt like the only one fighting to find out who killed her and he was treated differently by everyone. I think Buckley probably experienced it the least at first. But after his mom left and his dad was so consumed with finding Susie's killer, I thnk he experienced it the most. He was still a child and he needed his parents more than anyone and they couldn't be there for him. Lindsey had to attend the same schools Susie once did. She had to see her friends. She had to see people look at her not be able to think of anything but Susie and what happened to her. On top of that she too had to deal with her mother checking out and leaving and her dad being cosumed with finding out who killed Susie.
4. Ruth Connors inadvertently becomes Susie's main connection to Earth. How does this in turn change Ruth? Does it seem strange that someone who wasn't close to Susie during her life is so deeply affected by her death? Is Ruth's obsession with murdered girls exploitive of Susie's fate, or is healing in some way?
I'd say the main way it changes Ruth, is by helping her to accept the gift she was given and start to embrace it. It also helps her find a friend in Ray. In some ways it does seem strange that Ruth was so affected by her death but people who have the gifts she does tend me very sensitive. Also I think she probably sees how easily it could have been her instead of Susie. I don't think it's exploitive at all. As I already said I think Susie's death and what she saw that night helped her embrace her gift and I think what she does with the murdered girls she sees is her way of doing something good with her gift.
5. The Lovely Bones takes place in an American suburb in the 1970s. In what ways is this setting important to how the story unfolds? What is the significance of specific elements of Susie's landscape: the similar houses in her neighborhood, the remaining vestiges of old farmland, the sinkhole where Mr. Harvey hides her body? Why do you think the author chose this paticular time period? How might it be different if it were happening today?
To be honest, I don think the setting is that important to how the story unfolds nor do I think there is a significance to the specific elements of Susie's landscape. I have no idea why the author chose that paticular time period. The only way I can see where it would be different is now we have Amber alerts and other things to make it easier to hunt and investigate these type of crimes. Otherwise it would be still be very similar.
6. Susie's closest sibling, Lindsey, carries a unique burder as a result of her sister's death. What was the sisters' relationship like before the tragedy? What are the paticular expectations and pressures Lindsey must cope with? How does Susie's death change Lindsey?
Their relationship before the tragedy was very much like any other relationship between siblings. They had good times and bad. Lindsey has to deal with people feeling sorry for her but also with them seeing her sister in her. I feel like Lindsey became in a lot of ways much more closed off and untrusting.
7. How does Susie's view of sex change in the course of the novel? During her own life, she exchanges an almost chaste kiss with Ray. After her rape, she has the opportunity to observe her parents, Lindsey and Samuel, as well as her mother and Detective Fenerman. Is Susie's impression of sexuality altered by what she observes? How does her own experience with Ray and Ruth fit in?
I would say that before her rape she viewed sex as mostly a physical thing and after she saw it as more an emotional thing. I think her observations of people she loved having sex made her want to experience the emotional part of it. It made her want to experience sex as it was intended. Her experience with Ray and Ruth fit in because it was deeply emotional for her and Ray. It was what she always dreamed of her first time being.
8. How does Abigail cope with Susie's death? What does she seek in her interaction with Len Fenerman? What do you think of her decision to leave her family? Why does she return? Do you believe this is the right choice for her?
She doesn't cope with Susie's death. Her interaction was Len Fenerman was an attempt at distracting her from the pain of Susie's death. I think Abigail was struggling long before Susie's death and she couldn't deal with the pain she already had and the pain of losing Susie, so she tried to run away from it. She returns because she realizes she can't run from the pain beacuse the pain is inside of her and because she loves her husband and her kids and she can't escape that either. Yes I do believe it was the right choice for her.
9. Why does the author include scenes from Mr. Harvey's perspective including details about his childhood? Do these details help to humanize him or are they immaterial in view of the horrible nature of his crimes? What does Sebold's depiction of Mr Harvey say about the nature of evil?
I think the author includes scenes from Mr. Harvey's perspective and his childhood because it would be hard to understand how sick he is without them. Yes it helps to humanize him but I wouldn't say it humanizes him a way that makes him look better. It only shows what made him who he was. I think it says that evil is complicated.
10. Buckley claims to see Susie, though she never mentions consciously revealing herself to him. Do you believe he really sees her or does he make up these encounters in an attempt to cope with her death. How do you explain tragedy to a child? Do Jack and Abigail do a good job of helping Buckley understand the loss of his sister?
I think he might have really seen her some times and some of the encounters might have benen made up. Kids are more sensitive to seeing things. I think you have to be honest but age appropriate with telling children about tragedy. I think you need to be open and be ready to answer their questions. No I don't really think they did do a good job of helping him understand the loss of his sister. They let him believe for months that she was just away at someone else's house. Even after they finally explained it to him, he was left to deal with it mostly alone. Jack and Abigail were so consumed by their own grief, they just couldn't seem to deal with Buckley or Lindsey's grief.
11. In The Lovely Bones, adult relationships(Abigail and Jack, Rays parents, Len and Abigail) are dysfunctional and troubled while the relationships of the younger people(Lindsey and Samuel, Ray and Susie, Ray and Ruth) seem to have depth, maturity, and potential. Is this a naive view of young love? Or do the younger characters in the book hae an advantage over adults?
This is one of the things I found weird about this book. I do feel like the younger characters have an advantage and that advantage is simply put, less baggage. But I also think some of it is kind of a naive view of young love.
12. Does Jack Salmon allow himself to be swallowed up by his grief? Is there a point where he should let go? Susie observes that "The living deserve attention too." Does Jack's grief increase his family's suffering, or is there something admirable about him holding on so tightly to Susie's memory and not denying his profound sadness?
Yes he does. I don't think letting go in a situation like that is possible. Yes his grief does increase his family's suffering, especially when he went into the wheat field and got beat up so bad. But also because he becomes so consumed with his grief and finding answers, that he puts his family on the back burner. But I do find it admirable that even after everyone else was ready to let go and move on, he was still set on getting justice for his little girl.
13. One of the most talked about scenes in the book is Ray and Susie's lovemaking (via Ruth's body). What is the significance of this experience for Susie? For Ruth? For Ray? Is it difficult to make this leap of faith with Susie? What do you think the importance of this episode is in this book?
The significance for Susie is she gets to experience sex on her terms and she gets to experience having a mature body when she otherwise wouldn't have. For Ruth, I'm not sure. For Ray, I think it kind of allows him to have some closure and to close that chapter in his life. Yes very difficult. I guess the importance of it to the book is, Susie found a way to escape her perfect heaven and be human again for just a bit.
14. Mr. Harvey dies in a way that seems to indicate a larger justice a work. Certainly his victims rejoice from Heaven at his demise. But does his death really bring justice to those he hurt? Can it compensate them for what they have lost? Why do you think the author chose not have Mr. Harvey apprehended by the police? Why is Susie's body never found?
In my opinion, no it doesn't really bring justice. Justice would've been facing the families of the girls who he killed. No it doesn't compensate them for what they've lost. They are still dead. They still died in a terrible way. Their families and friends lives were still destroyed. I think the author chose to not have Mr. Harvey apprehended by the police or have Susie's body found because when you get down to it, neither would've changed anything.
15. Even in heaven, Susie must move through different stages of dealing with her death and its aftermath. What forms does her progress take? Why is she not allowed to meet Mr. Harvey's other victims right away? How does Susie's journey mirror that of the people she has left behind on Earth?
Her progress takes on many different emotions very similar to the emotions of her family. Sadness, fear, anger, and acceptance just to name a few. I think she had to be in the right place to get the most out of the meeting. Her journey is very very similar to the journey of the people she left behind on Earth. The emotions she went through were the same that they went through.
16. What is the significance of the novel's title? What does Susie mean when she refers to the "lovely bones"?
I think of it as when you break a bone, new bone forms to fix the damage done and make the bone strong again. It will always look different but it will work and it will be strong and it will be able to do it's job. The lovely bones she was refering to was the healing the people she loved had done and were doing. They'd never be the same as they were before her death but they were able to go on and be strong and do the things they needed and wanted to do.
Okay to do some comparing of the film and book.
I felt like unlike some films based on books, they kept to the story very well with this one. There were little changes like in the movie Susie and Ray never kiss. In the book they do. The scene where Ruth gets in trouble for her drawing is different. The timeline is altered in places. In the movie, Ruth's family owns the land where the sink hole is. In the book, another family owns it and Ruth is just interested in the sink hole. In the movie, Mr. Harvey holds on to Susie's body for awhile and in the book he gets rid of it almost immediatly(part of the change in the timeline). The scene where she is killed is understandably toned way way way down in the movie as compared to the book. So most of the differences are small and they kept very close to the book.
There are four big differences that I can think of. In the book how Holly died is never mentioned. She is never mentioned to be one of Mr. Harvey's victims. But in the movie she is one of his victims. The other is in the book when Susie enters Ruth's body her and Ray have sex and in the movie they kiss and it's a much shorter encounter. There is also no mention of Ruth going to Susie's heaven. Also Susie seems much more confused about what happened to her in the movie than she does in the book. In the book, she seems to know immediatly she's dead and he killed her. In the movie, there is a moment when she is in the bathroom of Mr. Harvey's house and he's taking a bath and there is mud and blood everywhere that she suddenly seems to understand what's happened. Also in the book Mr. Harvey claims to be a widower and he uses the names of his victims as his pretend dead wife's name and in the movie he claims to be divorced.
I don't understand the need to make Holly one of his victims in the movie but I don't hate it either, if that makes sense lol. I much prefer the way the body entering scene is done in the movie as compared to the book. It's much more believable in the movie than it is in the book for me. I have zero opinion on the difference in Susie's confusion lol. I think the way the book handles Mr. Harvey's pretend martial status is better but that's just a personal opinion.
I guess that is all for this blog! I'll hopefully be back soon with another. Hopefully I'll get the motivation to get back to my 100 Days of Happiness soon lol. We'll see what happens!
So I first want to say that I love books with reading group guides and questions in them. I'm not in any reading groups or book clubs or anything(although I'd like to be, just none around here that I know of) but I feel like reading that stuff before I read the book and then coming back to it after I read the book helps me to really dive deeper into a book and understand it.
So the book I'm doing in this entry is "The Lovely Bones" by Alice Sebold. I know there is a movie based on this book and I've seen it and I love it. So I'll do a little comparing at the end.
"The Lovely Bones" is a book about the rape and murder of 14 year old Susie Salmon. She is the narrator and she is narrating from her heaven. The book jumps back and forth between memories from before her murder(also some scenes of her murder) to the aftermath of her murder.
It follows her family and her friends as they make their way through the winding awful road that is grief. It shows how all of their lives are completely and permanently changed. There are many books and movies that do that. But what makes this book unique is as previously mentioned it's narrated by Susie and follows her road of dealing with what has happened to her and what is happening to her family and friends and as the book goes on how she deals with the fact that her family, friends, and the world she left are all changing and moving on without her.
I love love love this book. I've read it several times now and every time I feel different when I finish it and I notice different things. I find that all of the characters are well thought out, well rounded, interesting, and unique characters. In some books the characters feel like the same person, just different names. But this is not one of those books. The characters are all very different from each other. They are deep well developed characters.
The story line is great. It's a story line that has been done many times but the author tackles it in a completely unique way. It's full of hidden messages and hidden connections you might not notice the first or even second or third time you read it. As I mentioned I always notice something new.
So let's talk about some things I'm not as wild about.
There are small things like the fact that Susie's killer dies without ever being caught and held accountable for what he did to her and many other girls and that her body is dumped in the sink hole and never found. I get it though, it works for the message in this story. Also the reality is tons of people never have a body for their missing loved one and many many murders go unsolved. So it makes sense and is realistic. But that doesn't mean I don't want to see her body found and the creep caught lol.
I also think the way the author handled relationships is weird(I'll get into more over that when I answer the questions).
The big thing I don't like is towards the end of the book there is a scene where the guy(Ray) Susie liked and was just starting to date when she died and a girl(Ruth) who saw her spirit when she died(she became good friends with Ray after Susie's death) come back to town like 8.5 years after her death because they are going to fill in the sink hole and the sink hole is something that has always interested Ruth and she wants to see it before they fill it in and she wants Ray to come with her. So after they look at the sink hole, Ray goes to collect flowers for his mom and suddenly Susie enters Ruth's body and Ruth goes to heaven. She(Susie in Ruth's body) takes him to a bike shop and they have sex basically like rabbits for awhile and then of course she has to go back to her heaven and Ruth has to come back.
On the surface, it's kind of a romantic sweet moment. But the more I think about the scene the less I like it. First off, it seems weird to me that a guy would still be hung up on a girl he had a crush on at 14 as a grown man. Second off, Susie is of course stuck at 14 years old and he is now an adult. Third off, it's obviously not even her body, it's Ruth's. It just seems weird to me that a dead girl who was raped and has such issues with that would then steal someone else's body and have sex in it without her consent. Not only that but she thinks more than once that she hopes Ruth is watching(Grant it, one of those times she thinks that she says she hopes she's watching so she can see how beautiful she think's Ruth's body is but it is still weird to me lol). This is maybe the one scene I felt was handled better in the movie than in the book. But I'll get into that more later. It's one of those scene's your better off not analyzing too much and remembering it's just a book lol.
So now for reading group questions.
1. Although many readers remember the first lines of The Lovely Bones as "My name was Salmon, like the fish..." the novel's opening is actually a brief passage about a snow globe that Susie observed as a child. What is the significance of this beginning? In a "perfect world", it would seem, one is both imprisoned and protected. Is Susie's heaven a blessing or curse?
The significance of the beginning is that's basically where Susie ends up. I believe her heaven is both a blessing and a curse. In her heaven she is safe, she has everything she needs, and she has friends who understand what she's been through and help her work through the process. But she can see her friends and family but she can't help them to find her body or let know who killed her and help them find George Harvey. She can see the things they are going through but she can't help them. She can see them moving on and things changing without her.
2. In Susie's heaven, the dead enjoy a number of comforts and simple pleasures. Yet it is far from a perfect place-not all wishes can be granted, and many of the inhabitants are victims of crimes. Why do the heavens of different characters-e.g., Franny, Holly, Flora Hernandez-take such different forms? Is Sebold offering a rosy view of death and its aftermath? Or do you think she is saying something more profound about the individual experiences of loss and grief?
I think she is saying more about individual experience of loss and grief. The thing that stands out to me in this book is how different each character is and how they handle things differently. She seems to paint heaven as being a representation of the each person's life and the things that were important to them and the things they dreamed of. So that means each individual's heaven is different. There are places that overlap with others but no one's heaven is exactly a like, just like their lives weren't exactly alike. I mean it is a rosy nice thought that heaven would be like that but I don't think that was the point she was trying to make. But I guess you'd have to ask her if you want the real answer lol.
3. Rape is one of the most alienating experiences imaginable. Susie's rape ends in murder and changes her family and friends forever. Alienation is transferred, in a sense, to Susie's parents and siblings. How does each member of Susie's family experience loneliness and isolation after her death?
Her mom already felt isolated and lonely to a certain extent I think but after Susie's death everyone treated her differently but hardest for her I think was that her husband became consumed with finding Susie's murderer. She was left dealing with the brutal death of her daughter on her own. Her dad felt like the only one fighting to find out who killed her and he was treated differently by everyone. I think Buckley probably experienced it the least at first. But after his mom left and his dad was so consumed with finding Susie's killer, I thnk he experienced it the most. He was still a child and he needed his parents more than anyone and they couldn't be there for him. Lindsey had to attend the same schools Susie once did. She had to see her friends. She had to see people look at her not be able to think of anything but Susie and what happened to her. On top of that she too had to deal with her mother checking out and leaving and her dad being cosumed with finding out who killed Susie.
4. Ruth Connors inadvertently becomes Susie's main connection to Earth. How does this in turn change Ruth? Does it seem strange that someone who wasn't close to Susie during her life is so deeply affected by her death? Is Ruth's obsession with murdered girls exploitive of Susie's fate, or is healing in some way?
I'd say the main way it changes Ruth, is by helping her to accept the gift she was given and start to embrace it. It also helps her find a friend in Ray. In some ways it does seem strange that Ruth was so affected by her death but people who have the gifts she does tend me very sensitive. Also I think she probably sees how easily it could have been her instead of Susie. I don't think it's exploitive at all. As I already said I think Susie's death and what she saw that night helped her embrace her gift and I think what she does with the murdered girls she sees is her way of doing something good with her gift.
5. The Lovely Bones takes place in an American suburb in the 1970s. In what ways is this setting important to how the story unfolds? What is the significance of specific elements of Susie's landscape: the similar houses in her neighborhood, the remaining vestiges of old farmland, the sinkhole where Mr. Harvey hides her body? Why do you think the author chose this paticular time period? How might it be different if it were happening today?
To be honest, I don think the setting is that important to how the story unfolds nor do I think there is a significance to the specific elements of Susie's landscape. I have no idea why the author chose that paticular time period. The only way I can see where it would be different is now we have Amber alerts and other things to make it easier to hunt and investigate these type of crimes. Otherwise it would be still be very similar.
6. Susie's closest sibling, Lindsey, carries a unique burder as a result of her sister's death. What was the sisters' relationship like before the tragedy? What are the paticular expectations and pressures Lindsey must cope with? How does Susie's death change Lindsey?
Their relationship before the tragedy was very much like any other relationship between siblings. They had good times and bad. Lindsey has to deal with people feeling sorry for her but also with them seeing her sister in her. I feel like Lindsey became in a lot of ways much more closed off and untrusting.
7. How does Susie's view of sex change in the course of the novel? During her own life, she exchanges an almost chaste kiss with Ray. After her rape, she has the opportunity to observe her parents, Lindsey and Samuel, as well as her mother and Detective Fenerman. Is Susie's impression of sexuality altered by what she observes? How does her own experience with Ray and Ruth fit in?
I would say that before her rape she viewed sex as mostly a physical thing and after she saw it as more an emotional thing. I think her observations of people she loved having sex made her want to experience the emotional part of it. It made her want to experience sex as it was intended. Her experience with Ray and Ruth fit in because it was deeply emotional for her and Ray. It was what she always dreamed of her first time being.
8. How does Abigail cope with Susie's death? What does she seek in her interaction with Len Fenerman? What do you think of her decision to leave her family? Why does she return? Do you believe this is the right choice for her?
She doesn't cope with Susie's death. Her interaction was Len Fenerman was an attempt at distracting her from the pain of Susie's death. I think Abigail was struggling long before Susie's death and she couldn't deal with the pain she already had and the pain of losing Susie, so she tried to run away from it. She returns because she realizes she can't run from the pain beacuse the pain is inside of her and because she loves her husband and her kids and she can't escape that either. Yes I do believe it was the right choice for her.
9. Why does the author include scenes from Mr. Harvey's perspective including details about his childhood? Do these details help to humanize him or are they immaterial in view of the horrible nature of his crimes? What does Sebold's depiction of Mr Harvey say about the nature of evil?
I think the author includes scenes from Mr. Harvey's perspective and his childhood because it would be hard to understand how sick he is without them. Yes it helps to humanize him but I wouldn't say it humanizes him a way that makes him look better. It only shows what made him who he was. I think it says that evil is complicated.
10. Buckley claims to see Susie, though she never mentions consciously revealing herself to him. Do you believe he really sees her or does he make up these encounters in an attempt to cope with her death. How do you explain tragedy to a child? Do Jack and Abigail do a good job of helping Buckley understand the loss of his sister?
I think he might have really seen her some times and some of the encounters might have benen made up. Kids are more sensitive to seeing things. I think you have to be honest but age appropriate with telling children about tragedy. I think you need to be open and be ready to answer their questions. No I don't really think they did do a good job of helping him understand the loss of his sister. They let him believe for months that she was just away at someone else's house. Even after they finally explained it to him, he was left to deal with it mostly alone. Jack and Abigail were so consumed by their own grief, they just couldn't seem to deal with Buckley or Lindsey's grief.
11. In The Lovely Bones, adult relationships(Abigail and Jack, Rays parents, Len and Abigail) are dysfunctional and troubled while the relationships of the younger people(Lindsey and Samuel, Ray and Susie, Ray and Ruth) seem to have depth, maturity, and potential. Is this a naive view of young love? Or do the younger characters in the book hae an advantage over adults?
This is one of the things I found weird about this book. I do feel like the younger characters have an advantage and that advantage is simply put, less baggage. But I also think some of it is kind of a naive view of young love.
12. Does Jack Salmon allow himself to be swallowed up by his grief? Is there a point where he should let go? Susie observes that "The living deserve attention too." Does Jack's grief increase his family's suffering, or is there something admirable about him holding on so tightly to Susie's memory and not denying his profound sadness?
Yes he does. I don't think letting go in a situation like that is possible. Yes his grief does increase his family's suffering, especially when he went into the wheat field and got beat up so bad. But also because he becomes so consumed with his grief and finding answers, that he puts his family on the back burner. But I do find it admirable that even after everyone else was ready to let go and move on, he was still set on getting justice for his little girl.
13. One of the most talked about scenes in the book is Ray and Susie's lovemaking (via Ruth's body). What is the significance of this experience for Susie? For Ruth? For Ray? Is it difficult to make this leap of faith with Susie? What do you think the importance of this episode is in this book?
The significance for Susie is she gets to experience sex on her terms and she gets to experience having a mature body when she otherwise wouldn't have. For Ruth, I'm not sure. For Ray, I think it kind of allows him to have some closure and to close that chapter in his life. Yes very difficult. I guess the importance of it to the book is, Susie found a way to escape her perfect heaven and be human again for just a bit.
14. Mr. Harvey dies in a way that seems to indicate a larger justice a work. Certainly his victims rejoice from Heaven at his demise. But does his death really bring justice to those he hurt? Can it compensate them for what they have lost? Why do you think the author chose not have Mr. Harvey apprehended by the police? Why is Susie's body never found?
In my opinion, no it doesn't really bring justice. Justice would've been facing the families of the girls who he killed. No it doesn't compensate them for what they've lost. They are still dead. They still died in a terrible way. Their families and friends lives were still destroyed. I think the author chose to not have Mr. Harvey apprehended by the police or have Susie's body found because when you get down to it, neither would've changed anything.
15. Even in heaven, Susie must move through different stages of dealing with her death and its aftermath. What forms does her progress take? Why is she not allowed to meet Mr. Harvey's other victims right away? How does Susie's journey mirror that of the people she has left behind on Earth?
Her progress takes on many different emotions very similar to the emotions of her family. Sadness, fear, anger, and acceptance just to name a few. I think she had to be in the right place to get the most out of the meeting. Her journey is very very similar to the journey of the people she left behind on Earth. The emotions she went through were the same that they went through.
16. What is the significance of the novel's title? What does Susie mean when she refers to the "lovely bones"?
I think of it as when you break a bone, new bone forms to fix the damage done and make the bone strong again. It will always look different but it will work and it will be strong and it will be able to do it's job. The lovely bones she was refering to was the healing the people she loved had done and were doing. They'd never be the same as they were before her death but they were able to go on and be strong and do the things they needed and wanted to do.
Okay to do some comparing of the film and book.
I felt like unlike some films based on books, they kept to the story very well with this one. There were little changes like in the movie Susie and Ray never kiss. In the book they do. The scene where Ruth gets in trouble for her drawing is different. The timeline is altered in places. In the movie, Ruth's family owns the land where the sink hole is. In the book, another family owns it and Ruth is just interested in the sink hole. In the movie, Mr. Harvey holds on to Susie's body for awhile and in the book he gets rid of it almost immediatly(part of the change in the timeline). The scene where she is killed is understandably toned way way way down in the movie as compared to the book. So most of the differences are small and they kept very close to the book.
There are four big differences that I can think of. In the book how Holly died is never mentioned. She is never mentioned to be one of Mr. Harvey's victims. But in the movie she is one of his victims. The other is in the book when Susie enters Ruth's body her and Ray have sex and in the movie they kiss and it's a much shorter encounter. There is also no mention of Ruth going to Susie's heaven. Also Susie seems much more confused about what happened to her in the movie than she does in the book. In the book, she seems to know immediatly she's dead and he killed her. In the movie, there is a moment when she is in the bathroom of Mr. Harvey's house and he's taking a bath and there is mud and blood everywhere that she suddenly seems to understand what's happened. Also in the book Mr. Harvey claims to be a widower and he uses the names of his victims as his pretend dead wife's name and in the movie he claims to be divorced.
I don't understand the need to make Holly one of his victims in the movie but I don't hate it either, if that makes sense lol. I much prefer the way the body entering scene is done in the movie as compared to the book. It's much more believable in the movie than it is in the book for me. I have zero opinion on the difference in Susie's confusion lol. I think the way the book handles Mr. Harvey's pretend martial status is better but that's just a personal opinion.
I guess that is all for this blog! I'll hopefully be back soon with another. Hopefully I'll get the motivation to get back to my 100 Days of Happiness soon lol. We'll see what happens!
Sunday, May 14, 2017
Happy Mother's Day
I'm going to venture away from my 100 Days of Happiness for this post. As you probably know, today is Mother's Day. I've noticed in the last I guess 5 years or so that this holiday has become a ball of mixed emotions for me and this year has been the worst yet.
On one hand Mother's Day is great. I have an amazing mother who I am incredibly blessed to have and thankful for. My sister is a wonderful mother to my amazing nephews. My grandmother is a wonderful mother and grandmother. I love many other women are wonderful strong women and amazing mothers. They all deserve to be celebrated and I enjoy honoring them. I would never for a second think of not honoring them and enjoying this day with them or making this day about myself and my sadness.
But it also doesn't mean I don't feel sad. As long as I can remember I've wanted to be a mother. I dreamed of the day I'd find out I was pregnant, the day I'd tell my family, the first time hearing the heartbeat, the first time feeling the baby move, finding out if it was a boy or a girl, a beautiful baby shower, giving birth and seeing that baby for the first time, the first smile, the first laugh, crawling, first steps, first words, first "I love you mommy", and everything else. I dreamed of a big family but at this point I'd be happy with just one child.
I'm only 29 and it certainly still could happen but every year that passes it feels like that dream is slipping further and further away. It's like a piece of my heart that never existed is missing. It's just a jagged hole. Most of the time the hole is easy to ignore and put out of mind. But this is the one day of the year that, that hole really aches and reminds me of it's presence. This year for some reason the ache is even worse. I don't really know why. I just know today my arms feel a little more empty and that hole a little bigger and a little more raw. It's crazy how your heart can break from the thought of a child that never existed.
I know I'm not the only one who feel sadness on this day. The are many many many people who have lost their mom. There are many many many mom's who have lost a child. There are many many many women who so long to be a mother and is hasn't happened yet . To these people I would say, it's okay to feel whatever you feel. To those who love someone who feels a little bit or a lot of sadness on this day, be patient. The human heart is a funny thing.
To all the mother's who are lucky enough to have children to celebrate with today, happy Mother's Day! Please don't take a single second with your child for granted it. I know children(young or old) can be frustrating. They'll break your heart. They'll scare you to death. But there are a whole lot of us who would love to experience those highs and lows and may never get to.
On one hand Mother's Day is great. I have an amazing mother who I am incredibly blessed to have and thankful for. My sister is a wonderful mother to my amazing nephews. My grandmother is a wonderful mother and grandmother. I love many other women are wonderful strong women and amazing mothers. They all deserve to be celebrated and I enjoy honoring them. I would never for a second think of not honoring them and enjoying this day with them or making this day about myself and my sadness.
But it also doesn't mean I don't feel sad. As long as I can remember I've wanted to be a mother. I dreamed of the day I'd find out I was pregnant, the day I'd tell my family, the first time hearing the heartbeat, the first time feeling the baby move, finding out if it was a boy or a girl, a beautiful baby shower, giving birth and seeing that baby for the first time, the first smile, the first laugh, crawling, first steps, first words, first "I love you mommy", and everything else. I dreamed of a big family but at this point I'd be happy with just one child.
I'm only 29 and it certainly still could happen but every year that passes it feels like that dream is slipping further and further away. It's like a piece of my heart that never existed is missing. It's just a jagged hole. Most of the time the hole is easy to ignore and put out of mind. But this is the one day of the year that, that hole really aches and reminds me of it's presence. This year for some reason the ache is even worse. I don't really know why. I just know today my arms feel a little more empty and that hole a little bigger and a little more raw. It's crazy how your heart can break from the thought of a child that never existed.
I know I'm not the only one who feel sadness on this day. The are many many many people who have lost their mom. There are many many many mom's who have lost a child. There are many many many women who so long to be a mother and is hasn't happened yet . To these people I would say, it's okay to feel whatever you feel. To those who love someone who feels a little bit or a lot of sadness on this day, be patient. The human heart is a funny thing.
To all the mother's who are lucky enough to have children to celebrate with today, happy Mother's Day! Please don't take a single second with your child for granted it. I know children(young or old) can be frustrating. They'll break your heart. They'll scare you to death. But there are a whole lot of us who would love to experience those highs and lows and may never get to.
Friday, May 5, 2017
100 Days of Happiness: Day 5
I'm not doing a very good job keeping up with this lol. No excuse, just haven't sat down and wrote an entry. On to my next day of my 100 Days of Happiness.
Day 5: The Twilight Saga(books and movies)
I can hear people groaning now lol. I know most people hate it and have very strong opinions about it. But this isn't their blog 😜.
I'd never heard of Twilight until my younger sister started talking about wanting to see it. I thought it sounded dumb but she was like "Just watch it, you'll like it.". So after it came out on DVD, I did. I was hooked instantly. My sister had borrowed the first book from someone and then she let me read it. I read it in record time. I got my hands on the other books as soon as I could and I read them in record time as well. Breaking Dawn I read in just over 24 hours and it's the longest one lol.
Twilight came into my life at a time where I needed a good distraction and it was a fabulous distraction. People say "It's corney", "It's unrealistic", "It's poorly written", "The acting is bad", "It's just weird", "The relationship between Bella and Edward is controlling and unhealthy" and. I get it. It is corney, it's certainly unrealistic, Stephanie Meyer is certainly not Mark Twain, some of the acting is pretty bad, and of course it's weird it's about vampires who sparkle and drink blood from animals instead of humans lol. I mean what did you really expect 😊? The relationship between Bella and Edward is certainly interesting and there are times that it is controlling(on both sides). However for the most part I think it's pretty accurate of what teenage relationships look like and by the time you get to Breaking Dawn, they've grown and lost most of that childish jealousy crap. But I wouldn't suggest anyone get relationship advice from any movie or book, let alone a movie about a human falling in love with a sparkling vampire and that same human having a werewolf for a best friend 😜. I would hope anybody with a brain would know that these movies and books and the relationships in said movies and books, are not meant as an example.
I realized a long time ago that I am weird and I like weird. I like corney. I like unrealistic stories. Sometimes it's nice to read a book or watch a movie that is deep and realistic and thought provoking. But sometimes I find it really nice to pick up a book or put in a movie that is weird, unrealistic, shallow, corney, and immature. I think that's why I like musicals as well. When things are hard, I'm not looking to read or watch something deep and complicated. I want something light, corney, unrealistic that I can just escape to for a few hours and forget whats bothering me. Twilight has always been that for me. I can escape to Forks and dream of friendly, loving, beautiful, sparkly vampires and big soft kind werewolves and escape the real monsters of life for awhile. After all, it's just a book/movie. It's not that serious 😝! I find it ironic that a lot of the people who heavily criticize the Twilight series, are Harry Potter fans. I mean there are so many kids being sent to some "spooky" looking magic school with a weird gross sounding name to be trained as witches and warlocks lol. To each their own, if you enjoy Harry Potter more power to you but it does nothing for me. If I'm going to watch a movie about witches I'll take Halloweentown or Hocus Pocus or Twitches LOL. So in the words of Lorelai Gilmore from Gilmore Girls(another place I love to escape to lol) "You explain yours, I'll explain mine" 😜.
Here are some pictures I found from the movies because I wanted to throw them in lol. I don't own any of them.
Day 5: The Twilight Saga(books and movies)
I can hear people groaning now lol. I know most people hate it and have very strong opinions about it. But this isn't their blog 😜.
I'd never heard of Twilight until my younger sister started talking about wanting to see it. I thought it sounded dumb but she was like "Just watch it, you'll like it.". So after it came out on DVD, I did. I was hooked instantly. My sister had borrowed the first book from someone and then she let me read it. I read it in record time. I got my hands on the other books as soon as I could and I read them in record time as well. Breaking Dawn I read in just over 24 hours and it's the longest one lol.
Twilight came into my life at a time where I needed a good distraction and it was a fabulous distraction. People say "It's corney", "It's unrealistic", "It's poorly written", "The acting is bad", "It's just weird", "The relationship between Bella and Edward is controlling and unhealthy" and. I get it. It is corney, it's certainly unrealistic, Stephanie Meyer is certainly not Mark Twain, some of the acting is pretty bad, and of course it's weird it's about vampires who sparkle and drink blood from animals instead of humans lol. I mean what did you really expect 😊? The relationship between Bella and Edward is certainly interesting and there are times that it is controlling(on both sides). However for the most part I think it's pretty accurate of what teenage relationships look like and by the time you get to Breaking Dawn, they've grown and lost most of that childish jealousy crap. But I wouldn't suggest anyone get relationship advice from any movie or book, let alone a movie about a human falling in love with a sparkling vampire and that same human having a werewolf for a best friend 😜. I would hope anybody with a brain would know that these movies and books and the relationships in said movies and books, are not meant as an example.
I realized a long time ago that I am weird and I like weird. I like corney. I like unrealistic stories. Sometimes it's nice to read a book or watch a movie that is deep and realistic and thought provoking. But sometimes I find it really nice to pick up a book or put in a movie that is weird, unrealistic, shallow, corney, and immature. I think that's why I like musicals as well. When things are hard, I'm not looking to read or watch something deep and complicated. I want something light, corney, unrealistic that I can just escape to for a few hours and forget whats bothering me. Twilight has always been that for me. I can escape to Forks and dream of friendly, loving, beautiful, sparkly vampires and big soft kind werewolves and escape the real monsters of life for awhile. After all, it's just a book/movie. It's not that serious 😝! I find it ironic that a lot of the people who heavily criticize the Twilight series, are Harry Potter fans. I mean there are so many kids being sent to some "spooky" looking magic school with a weird gross sounding name to be trained as witches and warlocks lol. To each their own, if you enjoy Harry Potter more power to you but it does nothing for me. If I'm going to watch a movie about witches I'll take Halloweentown or Hocus Pocus or Twitches LOL. So in the words of Lorelai Gilmore from Gilmore Girls(another place I love to escape to lol) "You explain yours, I'll explain mine" 😜.
Here are some pictures I found from the movies because I wanted to throw them in lol. I don't own any of them.
Thursday, April 27, 2017
100 Days of Happiness: Day 5(long emotional post)
I have to tell you when I started gathering pictures for this blog, I never expected to end up in tears but here I am lol. There are a few reasons for the tears and I'll explain more later in the blog.
I decided I wanted Ruidoso, New Mexico to be my Day 5. To be very honest vacations weren't a regular part of my life until our first trip to Ruidoso in 2010. My family are mountain, outdoors, cool, mountain shower kind of people. We went to Lake Brownwood here in Texas one year and the trip was in short a disaster. So we decided to try something else. Everyone but my sister and me had been to Ruidoso before and let me tell you it didn't take long for my sister and me to fall totally in love with this place.
Ruidoso is village in south central New Mexico. It's surrounded by the Sierra Blanca mountains and also the Sacramento mountains. It is also surrounded by the Lincoln National Forest. There are many rivers and lakes around the Ruidoso are as well . The 3 villages of Ruidoso Downs, Ruidoso, and Alto all sort of run together. The Mescalero Apache Indian Reservation is very close by and they run the ski area, Ski Apache, as well as the Inn of the Mountain Gods, which is a big resort with a casino, hotel, and golf course. Ruidoso Downs has a very nice well known horse track and is what they are known for. Capitan, New Mexico( home of the Smokey the Bear Museum) and Cloudcroft, New Mexico(another popular vacation spot) are just short drives from Ruidoso. That's just small fraction of the stuff in and around Ruidoso.
We went every year from 2010 through 2015. I loved our trips there. I love Ruidoso. It's a little mountain village but there is a Starbucks, a Wal-Mart, lots of local restaurants, but also lots of chain restaurants. The shops are great as well. I've just found no place like Ruidoso. This place stole a large chunk of my heart the moment I first arrived and I'm afraid I'm never going to get it back. Unfortunately I'm not sure when or even if I'll ever be back there. Life changes and suddenly other things take priority. Ruidoso is just another thing that last year took from my family and me. That's a big part of why looking at the pictures I've taken and thinking about Ruidoso made me cry. I miss it so much. I'd given anything to spend a few days there now. I'd give anything to take my nephews there. If I never get to go back, I'll be completely heartbroken.
The other reason for the tears was a place near Ruidoso and Ski Apache called Bonito Lake. The first couple of years we went, it was one of my family and my favorite places. It was stunning(pictures to come). The lake is fairly small but the area around was full of beautiful old trees. It was a popular place for people to camp and there was/is a church camp near by. The first couple of times we went the lake had several of the biggest fish I've ever seen. We fished there a couple of times but never caught anything. In June of 2012, a forest fire started(it was started by lightening) and burned for many days(it was call the Little Bear Fire if you wish to look it up and learn more about it). It devastated the area around the lake. Although the fire didn't reach the lake, it still got close enough that run off from rains after the fire filled the lake with tons and tons of ash, silt, and sediment(there was about 50 feet of ash, silt, and sediment deposited on the bottom of the lake). It basically ruined the lake. Those big fish I loved to watch who were who knows how old were wiped out, in fact all the fish were wiped out. They've been working since then to try to clean up the lake but it's been hard work and slow going. It's been closed all this time and they've now pushed it's reopening to August of 2018. Who really knows if that will happen. Seeing the pictures of that area before the fire and the pictures of the area after always breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes. I know this is the natural order of things(Mother nature gives and Mother nature takes away) but it's still so so sad to me.
I guess it's time to start putting in some pictures and stuff!
The drive from Roswell to Ruidoso is amazing!! You can start to see the mountains right outside of Roswell and these pictures don't do justice to how beautiful it is! The first picture is clearly in Ruidoso, I just wanted to start off with it lol.
The main street in Ruidoso with all the shops and my favorite restaurant there, Cafe Rio. Unfortunately I never took a picture of Cafe Rio, I wish I had of lol. There are wooden bears everywhere. This one is my favorite!
The beauty around this place never stops taking my breath away, even when looking at the pictures
.
The first year we went, we actually stayed in Alto. We were right across the highway from Alto lake. It was beautiful too. It also was damaged by the fire but not as bad ad Bonito and it has recovered faster than Bonito. These were taken that first trip is 2010 well before the Little Bear Fire. I don't guess I have any from after the fire but it was pretty much back to it pre fire look when we were there in 2015.
The ride up to the ski area is curvy and kind of crazy(it's even made me motion sick a couple of times lol) but it is stunning! There is a place you can stop and take pictures and it's just breath taking. These are pictures from that road at different times.
Here are some pictures from Bonito Lake in 2010 before the fire.
These are photos taken the next year(2011). The area round Ruidoso had been really dry that year and the lake was really low. It's no wonder if they were dry enough for the lake to drop that much in a year, that less than a year later the area would be devastated by a wildfire.
When we were there in 2012 it was just a few weeks after the fire and you couldn't get close to Bonito. In 2013, we went to Red River instead. So the next pictures are from 2014, over 2 years after the fire. There was burned trees and ash all over the surface of the water still. The smell was awful. The water used to be so clear you could see the bottom of the lake standing up by the road(which is a good distance). After the fire you couldn't see the bottom of the lake at all. The water was a murky green black and there was zero life in it.
The last time we were there in 2015, I'd hoped it would be better. But they were in the process of draining it and it was actually worse!
Here are the rivers that flow into and out of Bonito Lake.
The Smokey the Bear Museum was great as an adult but I imagine it would be even better for kids! Great exhibits, a video, and a walking trail outside with all kind of plants. They honor Smokey the Bear well!
They flowers and wildlife around Ruidoso are amazing! I never get enough of it!
Last but not least, the Rudisos Downs Racetrack! I love horses, so watching them run was always fun for me.
Well this blog too way longer than any other blog I have ever written lol. But it was fun! It's sad to think I may never see this place again. But it's wonderful to look back at the memories and be able to share some of them! I hope one day I do get to go back because there is no where I enjoying being more than Ruidoso and the mountains! I hope you guys enjoyed this blog. Don't expect another one this long for awhile lol!
I decided I wanted Ruidoso, New Mexico to be my Day 5. To be very honest vacations weren't a regular part of my life until our first trip to Ruidoso in 2010. My family are mountain, outdoors, cool, mountain shower kind of people. We went to Lake Brownwood here in Texas one year and the trip was in short a disaster. So we decided to try something else. Everyone but my sister and me had been to Ruidoso before and let me tell you it didn't take long for my sister and me to fall totally in love with this place.
Ruidoso is village in south central New Mexico. It's surrounded by the Sierra Blanca mountains and also the Sacramento mountains. It is also surrounded by the Lincoln National Forest. There are many rivers and lakes around the Ruidoso are as well . The 3 villages of Ruidoso Downs, Ruidoso, and Alto all sort of run together. The Mescalero Apache Indian Reservation is very close by and they run the ski area, Ski Apache, as well as the Inn of the Mountain Gods, which is a big resort with a casino, hotel, and golf course. Ruidoso Downs has a very nice well known horse track and is what they are known for. Capitan, New Mexico( home of the Smokey the Bear Museum) and Cloudcroft, New Mexico(another popular vacation spot) are just short drives from Ruidoso. That's just small fraction of the stuff in and around Ruidoso.
We went every year from 2010 through 2015. I loved our trips there. I love Ruidoso. It's a little mountain village but there is a Starbucks, a Wal-Mart, lots of local restaurants, but also lots of chain restaurants. The shops are great as well. I've just found no place like Ruidoso. This place stole a large chunk of my heart the moment I first arrived and I'm afraid I'm never going to get it back. Unfortunately I'm not sure when or even if I'll ever be back there. Life changes and suddenly other things take priority. Ruidoso is just another thing that last year took from my family and me. That's a big part of why looking at the pictures I've taken and thinking about Ruidoso made me cry. I miss it so much. I'd given anything to spend a few days there now. I'd give anything to take my nephews there. If I never get to go back, I'll be completely heartbroken.
The other reason for the tears was a place near Ruidoso and Ski Apache called Bonito Lake. The first couple of years we went, it was one of my family and my favorite places. It was stunning(pictures to come). The lake is fairly small but the area around was full of beautiful old trees. It was a popular place for people to camp and there was/is a church camp near by. The first couple of times we went the lake had several of the biggest fish I've ever seen. We fished there a couple of times but never caught anything. In June of 2012, a forest fire started(it was started by lightening) and burned for many days(it was call the Little Bear Fire if you wish to look it up and learn more about it). It devastated the area around the lake. Although the fire didn't reach the lake, it still got close enough that run off from rains after the fire filled the lake with tons and tons of ash, silt, and sediment(there was about 50 feet of ash, silt, and sediment deposited on the bottom of the lake). It basically ruined the lake. Those big fish I loved to watch who were who knows how old were wiped out, in fact all the fish were wiped out. They've been working since then to try to clean up the lake but it's been hard work and slow going. It's been closed all this time and they've now pushed it's reopening to August of 2018. Who really knows if that will happen. Seeing the pictures of that area before the fire and the pictures of the area after always breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes. I know this is the natural order of things(Mother nature gives and Mother nature takes away) but it's still so so sad to me.
I guess it's time to start putting in some pictures and stuff!
The drive from Roswell to Ruidoso is amazing!! You can start to see the mountains right outside of Roswell and these pictures don't do justice to how beautiful it is! The first picture is clearly in Ruidoso, I just wanted to start off with it lol.
The main street in Ruidoso with all the shops and my favorite restaurant there, Cafe Rio. Unfortunately I never took a picture of Cafe Rio, I wish I had of lol. There are wooden bears everywhere. This one is my favorite!
The beauty around this place never stops taking my breath away, even when looking at the pictures
.
When we were there in 2012 it was just a few weeks after the fire and you couldn't get close to Bonito. In 2013, we went to Red River instead. So the next pictures are from 2014, over 2 years after the fire. There was burned trees and ash all over the surface of the water still. The smell was awful. The water used to be so clear you could see the bottom of the lake standing up by the road(which is a good distance). After the fire you couldn't see the bottom of the lake at all. The water was a murky green black and there was zero life in it.
The last time we were there in 2015, I'd hoped it would be better. But they were in the process of draining it and it was actually worse!
The Smokey the Bear Museum was great as an adult but I imagine it would be even better for kids! Great exhibits, a video, and a walking trail outside with all kind of plants. They honor Smokey the Bear well!
Last but not least, the Rudisos Downs Racetrack! I love horses, so watching them run was always fun for me.
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