10 baby names I love but would never use

I've been seeing this thing on YouTube where people list 10 names they love but would never use. So I decided to do it on my blog. So let's get started. I'm going to go back and forth between girl and boy names. 

1. Hannah
I love the sound of this name and the way it looks. I've loved it since I was a kid. But it's very popular. There are two in my family already, so yep I'd never use it.

2. Blaire
I know most people associate this as a girls name but I've always liked it as a boys name. Blaire was the middle name of every boy baby doll I had as a kid. However given it's popularity as a girl's name I'd never use it.

3. Emma
Emma was often my go to name for girl dolls. It's pretty and feminine. But I know two people I don't like with daughters named Emma...and I just can't imagine using it now lol.

4. Alexander
Alexander is such a strong masculine name. I love the way it sounds. But my ..oldest nephew is named Zander...so yeah lol.

5. Bella
Love the name but I have a dog named Bella...so yeah lol.

6. Jaden
Jaden is another name I've always liked. But it seems everyone I know has an Aidan, Hayden, Caden, or Jaden. Popularity doesn't usually bother me but this is one name that is too popular even for me!

7. Alexis
I love the name. But my sister had a friend when we were kids named Lexi who was really annoying. Her given name was Alexis. I'd just never be able to think of anything else if I used the name.

8. Camden
I discovered this name a few years ago and fell for it quickly. Apparently everyone else did too because it's become very common since then, for boys and girls. So I'd probably never use it.

9. Abigail
Abigail or Abby is another name I used for my dolls a lot as a kid. Then I went to middle school and met a girl named Abby and that took care of that for me lol.

10. Noah
Noah is a cute name and it's biblical but it's another that is just a little too popular for me.

That was a lot of fun. Maybe one day I'll do names I love and want to use!

It goes on

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life:It goes on."

I adore that quote! I've long dreamed of having it tattooed somewhere but who knows if that will ever happen. The funny thing about the fact that I adore that quote, is it is completely opposite of how I handle things :).

Moving on has never been my strongest  skill. I am especially that way with people. I don't let a lot of people in. I don't allow myself to get attached to many people. But when I do, I cling to them and our relationship like a sticker to a piece of construction paper. Separating the two is almost impossible and when you finally do it, neither one is ever the same.

In some ways, it's good. Nobody could ever say I'm not loyal lol. I'm so loyal, I'd probably drive you nuts. I'm willing to fight for relationships. I pour all I have into people I love. But on the other hand it's bad. Often times I find myself in a position where I'm giving, and giving, and giving some more and I never get anything in return. I can do that at first and I can continue doing it for awhile. But eventually I'm going to run out of stuff to give. All too often I don't realize someone is draining me until I'm empty.  In other words, I let myself get walked all over. I think some of it has to do with the fact that I have a hard time believing anybody would want to be friends with me, just for me. Some of it is just the simple fact that I adore seeing the people I love happy and I'll do anything to make that happen. Another bad thing about how attached I get is that when a relationship is over, I really really struggle to let go.

I look back at my life and I see many friendships I should've walked away from long before I did. I see people who had let me go and instead of accepting it, I dug my nails in and refused to let go of them. That leaves my heart bruised and battered. But I don't seem to know how to handle things in any other manner.

Every time it happens I promise myself I'm not going to let it happen again. But I do. I'm doing it right now and I know I am. But I can't convince my heart to let this person go. I know I have to. I know they've let me go and they've made their choice. But I adore this person and the thought of not having them in my life breaks my heart. I think the worst part is I don't understand why they've let me go and walked away.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess just putting it out there and kind of venting about it. We as humans long for closure in situations. We seem to forget that our lives aren't movies. We aren't guaranteed closure. Sometimes good things end and you've just got to accept that and move on. I need to be better with this. Hopefully one day I'll be able to do that.

8 years ago

 
I think everyone has those moments in life where you know your life will never be the same. Your life will always be divided into two parts, before that moment and after that moment. I have a few of those moments. 8 years ago today marks one of the biggest of those moments in my life. I walked into an oral surgeons office with rotten infected disgusting teeth and I walked out with dentures...at 21 years old.

To fully understand how I ended up there we have to go back to when I was a kid. I was cursed with a small mouth and big teeth(thanks Dad!). I had a severe over bite(so severe I couldn't close my mouth), a narrow palate, and a mouth full of very crooked teeth. I had never had a single cavity though. My dentist appointments had always been good. I was sent to the orthodontist when I was about 10 and after taking tons of pictures of my mouth we were told I would need a palate spreader, a herbst appliance to bring my bottom jaw forward to fix my bite, and braces. I was excited. I'd never had a smile I liked. This was supposed to be my chance at a beautiful smile. My mouth was filled with metal during the Summer before I turned 11. It was uncomfortable. I was limited in what I could eat. There was a key that my mom had to put in my palate spreader to expand it every couple of days and the first couple of times hurt like h***. Things got stuck under my palate spreader. One time a piece of skin from sausage got stuck and left me with a piece of sausage blocking my airway. It was terrifying.  The arms on my herbst appliance rubbed the inside of cheeks. Adjustments on the braces always left my mouth sore. But it was worth it to have the smile I always wanted and the changes happened quickly . But something else happened quickly...cavities. Less than 6 months after my orthodontic work started I had my first cavity and they just kept coming and so the wheels were set in motion.

My braces were finally removed when I was 14 and my dreams of beautiful smile were once again gone. My teeth were in bad shape already. I had dental insurance but no more than they paid it was like not having it and my parents couldn't afford to pay upfront to have my teeth fixed and most dentists wouldn't take payments and so my teeth only got worse. I saw one dentist for awhile who was supposedly fixing the damage but he seemed to be making things worse. One of the last times I saw him he told my mom "If she develops any signs of infection in those teeth I worked on let me know and I'll call something in" and wouldn't you know it less than 24 hours later I was in agony.

I was a quiet kid. I was bullied and made fun of a lot as is. But you add rotten teeth to the mix and it just makes it worse. I didn't smile and I talked as little as I could get by with. But still kids will be kids. "What's wrong with your teeth?" "Don't you brush your teeth?" "Don't you see the dentist?" "Don't your teeth hurt?" For a young girl who is already at an age where self confidence and self esteem is hard to come by, adding rotten teeth is just horrible.

I left public school to homeschool halfway through my junior year for other reasons. But escaping the constant discussion about my teeth was great. But my teeth continued to rot. Eventually one of my front teeth completely broke off. I remember the day it happened so well. My boyfriend was over and we were hanging out in my room eating something and it just cracked and broke right off.  I cried then but I cried even harder later. I didn't want to go out. I didn't want to smile.

Finally someone offered to pay to have my teeth fixed. I saw the dentist and he told me what I already knew, they couldn't be saved and I'd need dentures. I had to have impressions made(which was probably the worst part of the whole thing but that is a story for another day). I had to pick a color for my teeth. I had to meet with an oral surgeon. The date was set for February 17th, 2009. I had to be there at 1 o'clock PM. I was going to have all my teeth pulled and  6 wisdom teeth cut out.

The night before I was terrified! How bad would it hurt afterwards? What if I didn't like my dentures? What if my dentures didn't fit? Was this the wrong decision? What if I didn't wake up from the anesthesia? I didn't sleep at all.

The day of I was even more terrified. I remember sitting in the waiting room hearing my own heart thud in my ears. They took me back and my mom went with me. They had me take an antibiotic and a couple of Advil. They put in an IV and hooked me up to heart and oxygen monitors. They gave me a little laughing gas and then put me out. I woke up in the middle in awful pain but the oral surgeon was great and kept me calm until the extra dose of medicine they gave me kicked in. I don't remember much afterwards because of the extra medicine. I slept the rest of the day, only waking up to change my ice pack and to drink and take medicine. But it wasn't as bad as I imagined it to be.

I knew physically it would be hard and painful but I didn't anticipate how emotional I would be. Unless you've been through having your teeth pulled you can't understand the emotional side of it. It's a huge change. It changes your entire face. You have to relearn how to eat, talk to a certain extent, and smile again. The talking was easy for me but the eating seemed to take forever. I hadn't been able to bite with my front teeth in years and I had done all my chewing on the right side because I had very few molars on the left side. I didn't think I was ever going to figure it out. Smiling I feel like is still a challenge for me. For so long, I smiled only with my mouth closed. It's still hard for me to let go of that and see the beauty of my smile.  Even if you know having your teeth pulled and getting dentures is the best decision, it's still wildly emotional. I think being young only made that worse.

But after the first little bit the emotions improved. For the first time in several years I wasn't in pain or worrying about infection. For the first time ever I had a smile I loved. It was one of the most amazing experiences of life! 8 years later I can honestly say my only regret is I didn't do it sooner. If I hadn't had it done I feel pretty sure I'd be dead by now from infection. I read stories about people dying from dental infections and it just breaks my heart. I would love one day to start a charity that pays for people to have their teeth fixed or pulled or whatever needs to be done because no one should have to walk around with rotten teeth and live in constant fear of dental infections.

If you are young(or even older) and facing dentures,  I just want you to know you aren't alone. It's easy to feel like a failure when your teeth are bad. I still sometimes have pangs of  regret and questions. I felt like for a long time I didn't deserve a beautiful smile. I mean evidently I didn't care for my teeth the way I should have. But that's not always the case. I worked hard to save my teeth but unfortunately it was all in vain. Having your teeth pulled and getting used to dentures isn't fun. Sometimes it downright painful! But it'll all be worth it and one day you'll be looking back and wondering how so many years went by so fast! It gets easier! Keep your head up, everything will be okay.

"Some shit storms are just shit storms"

I don't know where this is going to go or how long it's going to be or what I'm going to say, so be warned :).

I've been struggling for awhile with the whole "everything happens for a reason" line. I used to tell people that. I used to believe it. Now I think about some of the times I said it and I cringe! There are a couple of people I wish I could go to and say "I was cold and dismissive and I'm very sorry. I wish I would've said I'm sorry and that I loved you and I was here if you needed me" but they'd probably think I was nuts and who knows maybe I am.

So quick disclaimer I'm not preaching at anyone or trying to tell anyone how they should feel about that line. I'm just expressing something that I feel. I know most people who say it, say it with the best of intentions and to try to make someone feel better and I'm not judging anyone else for saying it.

So I guess you're probably wondering how I got to this point. About a year and half ago something happened that completely crushed my heart. I'm not going to discuss the details or the how or whys(frankly I still don't understand most of the hows or whys). But I will say it was something that I realized quickly most people didn't understand why it was so crushing for me. I didn't discuss it with a lot of people but when I did I got lot of chirping crickets, blank stares, and "Okay...". I think the fact that so many of the people around me just didn't understand how badly I'd been hurt, made for some weird and hurtful comments. It also made me even more sensitive about the situation and my feelings about the situation. Within a day or two I just stopped talking about it

But before I did I had someone who had the best of intentions in their heart say "I know you're upset now but everything happens for a reason." That was probably the first time I have ever experienced pain from that line and suddenly a thousand instances flashed into my head of times I'd used that line and probably made someone feel the way I was feeling right then and it crushed me even further.

I have a soft gooey heart, especially for the people who are special to me. I hate seeing the people who are special to me hurting. I'm also very sensitive to the people around me and I often times know something's wrong with someone or their hurting or scared or going through a hard time or whatever without being told. Which is both good and bad. It's good because I often times can let someone know I'm thinking of them and I love them before I even know what is going on and/or before they're ready to share and/or they never intend to share. But the bad side is knowing someone I love is hurting and they don't feel comfortable talking to me and not knowing how to support them, it sucks. But all of that leads to me being in this desperate search for the right words. I want to make everything all better. I find myself constantly reminding myself, there are just some things I can't make better no matter what I say. But in the past in that desperation I've said some pretty crazy things including "Everything happens for a reason".

So in that moment when my heart was desperately looking for some comfort  and I got "Everything happens for a reason",  I realized I'd been using that line to avoid people's emotions and pain. My heart desperately needed to hear "I'm so sorry someone hurt you like that. I love you and I'm here if you need me." I realized sometimes less is more. The idea that my words had made someone feel what I was feeling in that moment made me just sick and again there are people I truly wish I could go to and apologize without looking like a moron.

The reality is I don't believe everything happens for reason. There isn't a single thing you could get or learn from losing a child that would make it okay. The same thing can be said for many different situations for many different people.  Some shit storms are just shit storms. The only reason some things happen is because we are flawed human beings with flawed bodies living in a flawed world with other flawed human beings.

So I've been trying to do a better job of just letting people know I care and I'm here if they need me.  It's still hard for me to accept that I can't fix everyone's problems or make everyone feel better with my words. But I definitely take more time to think about what I say before I say anything.  I've also been trying to do a better job just allowing myself to feel what I feel and not trying to change those feelings because someone else might think they are wrong. I know everything happening for a reason brings comfort for some people. But for me it felt like more work. It felt like I was being told to just forget about my feelings and look for a deeper magical meaning. It felt like I was being told my feelings were wrong. I know that's not what most people mean but that's how it's always felt to me.

Don't ever let anyone make you believe your feelings are wrong or too strong. You are allowed to feel whatever you feel about a situation. Don't worry about trying to find some kind of magical meaning or lesson to be found or learned in every situation. The only thing you should do is concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other. You are allowed to break down and cry. Just don't give up because in my experience shit storms can't last forever :).  It's easy to wish those bad times away but don't do it. Sometimes the best moments in your life happen in a flash in the midst of the deepest darkest shit storms and if you're so busy wishing time away or looking for magical deeper meaning, you might just miss those moments :).

Part 2 of Gilmore Girls: A year in the life, Summer and Fall

Time for part 2! Let's hop right into it :).

Summer
Things I loved about Summer:

I love that Lorelai seems to have gotten to know and have a relationship with April. I loved seeing Carol King back as Sophie. I loved Rory being editor of the Stars Hollow Gazette and the scene where her and Lorelai are delivering papers was probably the best scene in Summer. I love that Rory had Doyle write for the paper. The oath before the musical was hilarious. I loved seeing Carol King(or Sophie lol) sing and play the piano. The part where the actress gripes at Lorelai about her opinions reminds me of the ballerina at Yale who came after Rory lol. I love that Rory writing a book was Jess's idea. For some reason I loved when Lorelai put Rory on hold to Google something lol. The new song for the musical was amazing and made me cry!

Things I didn't like about Summer:

April! I'm not one of those people who didn't like her in the original series. I actually liked her a lot. She was brilliant and extremely well spoken and well rounded. I loved watching Luke as a father as well. But in the special they might as well have bleached her hair blonde(I feel the need to point out here that I am a blonde and I hate blonde jokes lol). She was weird and ditzy and communicated like a 13 year old. I just didn't get it. If there was one thing I could change about the special that would be it. The idea of Michel leaving the Dragonfly breaks my heart. Emily sleeping until noon made me sad. The musical was funny and totally Taylor and Stars Hollow but it was too long in my opinion. Lorelai's reaction to Rory's book confused me. Watching Lorelai and Luke fight made me sad. I get the need to get away and do something out of the ordinary but it was still sad to think of Lorelai leaving.

Fall

Things I loved about Fall:

Watching Lorelai try to pack her pack was as funny as I thought it would be. She is certainly not a nature person. The multiple locks on the door at the gazette reminded me of the apartment Rory, Paris, and Doyle lived in, in college. I loved Luke getting advice from Jess. It was great to see Collin and Finn again. I love that Rory decided to write at Emily and Richard's. That scene where is walking about their house was so emotional for me for some reason. I loved that Lauren Graham's boyfriend played a park ranger. Lorelai calling Emily and telling her, her favorite story about her dad was beautiful and yet incredibly heartbreaking. It was certainly one of the top moments for me and I bawled like a baby. I loved the scene where Emily kept saying "Bullshit" during the DAR meeting. The journey Emily took during this special was incredible. I loved that Miss Silene helped with their wedding clothes. I loved when Lorelai asked Emily for money to buy a bigger building for the Dragonfly and Emily quoted Richard exactly. "You need money", "You need money", "You need money". It was like when Lorelai asked for money for Chilton all over.  Lorelai's reaction to Sookie being back was amazing! I know a lot of  people felt their chemistry was off but I don't agree. Seeing them together made me melt!! Finally getting to see Sookie was great! I loved all the cakes she made. But the last one and the stories behind all the stuff on it was amazing :). I loved Emily working at the whale museum. It was the first time in the special that she seemed truly happy. I loved that Lorelai finally came around to the book and that she told her to drop the "the". I personally loved the wedding scene. I loved that it was small and simple. I loved that they used the same music from Lorelai and Luke's first dance. I loved that they got married in the gazebo. I loved the giant key that unlocked the door to where they got married. I loved the black hat. They could've taken it from Amy's closet lol. I loved that the last scene was just Lorelai and Rory. Honestly I'm in the minority I think but I loved the ending. It was the way it was supposed to end.

Things I didn't like about Fall:
The Life and Death Brigade scene was a little long for my liking. The meeting between Rory and Christopher was really awkward. But it made more sense after seeing the end. It was so sad to think of Emily selling her house. I wish Sookie could've been at the little wedding.

I'm kind of surprised how few things I didn't like about Fall lol.

I know lots of people hated the end and hated Rory and hated we didn't see Luke and Lorelai's big wedding. But I wasn't one of them. The end to me was a surprise at first but made perfect sense after I thought about it. Everything came full circle. I've had people say "Rory was supposed to have more." She was and did. Rory is in her 30s, she has a college degree, she's traveled the world, she's writing a book. Rory has seen and done lots more than Lorelai. I feel like people like to gloss over who Rory was in the original series(especially the last few seasons). Rory was incredibly smart but she made crazy decisions and sometimes straight up bad decisions. Rory always had a hard time figuring out what she wanted. Rory in the special was Rory. As far as Luke and Lorelai's wedding, I loved it! I always pictured their wedding being small and magical and it was.

Overall I loved Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life. I know people think because of how it ended that there will be more. I'm not so sure. I don't really care if there is. If this is how it ends, I'm good. If they make more I'd enjoy those too. To be honest, if they couldn't get Melissa McCarthy on board, I'd almost rather they didn't make anymore lol.

I know they'll never read this or care but I'm so unbelieveably grateful for Amy Sherman- Palladino and Daniel Palladino for creating this show and for writing the special. They did a fantastic job. My favorite quote from the special was "I want to remember it all, every detail." That's how I felt about this special. I did my best to soak up every minute and every detail. It is incredibly rare, pretty much unheard of, for a show to get this chance! Well done Amy and Daniel, Netflix, the other people who worked on lights, sounds, props, sets(the sets were so amazing and so close to the orginals, it blew me away!) and all the other behind the scenes stuff, and the actors!

Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life Part 1(there will be spoilers)

   I put it in the title but I will say it again, this blog will contain spoilers for Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life. If you haven't watched it and plan to(why haven't you lol) and don't want anything spoiled exit now :).  I'm doing this in two parts. This part will be a little overview of my opinion on it and specific things I liked and didn't like about Winter and Spring.

  I have now watched each part twice. The first time I watched two one day and two the next. I just watched and really took them in and enjoyed them. The second time I spent a little more time watching and taking notes. I'm sure you don't care about that but there it is anyway if you care lol.

  Overall I loved them all! I truly felt it was the last season the show should have had. I know one of the top priorities with this was to honor Edward Hermann/Richard Gilmore and Amy Sherman-Palladino and her husband Daniel Palladino out did themselves in that department. You could tell the love and pain they portrayed was real in both the writing and the faces of Kelly Bishop, Lauren Graham, and Alexis Bledel. I'm sure he is smiling down and proud of them and the special they all created.

But he was missed. I felt super emotional watching the parts about Richard's death. Edward Hermann was a great man and so was Richard Gilmore and the world is certainly darker without them.

So let's hop into the individual parts!

Winter

Things I loved about Winter:

I loved Gypsy kicking Lorelai's car and hating on it. It was a nice connection to the original series. I loved that they put a Friday night dinner in pretty early on. I've missed those! I loved the huge picture of Richard. He was a big character and personality and he deserved a big picture.  The funeral scene was great! It was sad and yet did a great job honoring Richard. It was the first of many times I cried. I loved that Paris was a fertility specialist(and that she took it so seriously just like she does everything else lol). At first I wasn't thrilled but after watching it a second time I was like you know Paris was always one to do things you'd never expect and it works. I felt the same about the Logan and Rory story line. At first, I was like no, no no! But Rory never was good at letting people go and making clean break ups and Logan could never completely break free from his family. The combination made for this story line. Rory always wanted to love Logan and be married to him but it just wasn't right( much like Lorelai and Christopher). I love seeing Emily trick Lorelai into therapy. It was like a flash of the old Emily.

Things I didn't like about Winter:
I didn't like the lack of Sookie. I get it, Melissa McCarthy is a big name actress with a full schedule. She didn't have time to shoot more than that. But she as very much missed by me. The different people brought in to be the chef at the Dragonfly were great( Rachael Ray was my favorite). But Sookie should always be the chef at the Dragonfly :). The Paul storyline wasn't my favorite. I get it. It was another way to how mixed up she was. But I could've done without it lol. But it did remind me of the Alex guy Lorelai dated who was never right and vanished with little explanation. I hated that Paris and Doyle weren't togeter and that Paris had basically become her mother. I get it, that's the standing theme for the show but that doesn't mean I have to like it :). I couldn't believe Luke and Lorelai hadn't talked about kids in 10 years lol.

Spring
Things I love about Spring:

 I loved that therapy was so awkward for Emily and Lorelai. I know it sound strange but it was just the way it was meant to be. I loved that they threw in the basket bidding! That was such a special episode in the orignal series. Love that Mr. Kim made a random appearance. Loved that the Chesire Cat was brought up, that was another special espisode from the orginal series. I loved the Paul Anka dreams. I loved that Kirk shot part of his short film at Luke and Lorelai's and Lorelai is standing right there and doesn't see him. Again I loved Rachael Ray guest starring. Loved the whole Paris and Rory going back to Chilton. I loved and totally expected Rory's lucky outfit was in Lorelai's closest. I mean where else would it be lol.

Things I didn't like about Spring:

Naomi....enough said. The character and the story line were both not needed in my opinion. No Sookie or Jackson(yeah I'm bringing that up again and we never do see Jackson :(  ). Kirk's hair at the Red and White movie theatre but it was totally Kirk. Listening to Lorelai talk about Richard's death, although it was beautiful. Rory tap dancing...no thanks. I just don't get it. The whole news story about lines...again don't get it. The Wookie story line...again don't get it. Seeing Rory so lost makes me sad.

Okay that's the end of part one! I think it's very interesting that these were my first two because Winter was my favoirte and Spring was my least favorite lol. Hoping to have part 2 up very soon(a few hours is my goal but I make no promises).

Social Anxiety

I said at the the beginning of the year I was going to start blogging more and then life went to hell and that just wasn't a priority. But I think I'm ready to get going again. I'm working on a blog about Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life. I'm not sure when it will be ready or if I'm going to do one or two posts. But it's coming lol.

This blog is about something different though. This blog is about social anxiety. I started another blog about this and thought about finishing that one but after going back and reading it, it felt like it didn't tell the whole story. So I'm starting over.

I've always been shy or the quiet one. But I don't remember having social anxiety until the 4th grade.  Maybe I did and I blocked it out or just simply don't remember but when I think about my childhood I don't remember being terrified of social settings until I was in the 4th grade. So what happened in the 4th grade you might ask...my teacher.  She was terrible. She humiliated me in front of the class and in front of other teachers multiple times. That's just the tip of the iceberg on what she did to me.  I don't think I really understood how bad she screwed me up until many years later.  But that's not to say it was the only thing that played into it. But I think that's where the seed of "I can't trust anybody" was planted.  Not to mention the seeds of "I'm stupid", "I'm not worth anything", and "Everyone is going to hurt me".  Those are wounds that don't heal. Especially when someone or more than  one someone comes along and makes it worse and that's exactly what happened.

I had a great best friend who understood the things that happened and without trying always knew what to do or say to help me. But things happen when teenagers are involved and at the beginning of our 8th grade year our friendship disolved. I'm not going to say anything more about that other than to say that loss sent me spiraling. I suddenly didn't fit in anywhere. I tried to hang with another group but it just wasn't a great fit. Eventually I gave up and being alone made me a great target for bullying. Suddenly I was being told on daily basis that I was ugly, stupid, a freak, that I'd never have any friends. At 14 you believe those things. By the end of my 8th grade year I had added depression, severe depression to my anxieties(I've had general anxiety as long as I can remember but that's a post for another day). It was a horrible time in my life. It cemented in my mind that all people were a threat to me and increased my social anxiety 10 fold. That was 15 years ago(hard to believe) and I'm still fighting that war.

So how does it affect me is probably the next question. The answer is in many ways and in pretty much everything.  I don't like to answer the door or the phone. I don't like ordering food at restaurants. I'll literally sit there practicing what I'm going to order in my head over and over. I rarely order anything new because I'm afraid I'll mess up and say the wrong thing or pronounce something wrong. I prefer to go a self check out and always get nervous if the machine messes up or I need to show my ID for something. What if I say something stupid or she thinks my ID is fake because I don't look 29. I hate going to the fitting room once but going more than once is torture for me. I have very few friends. People just don't enjoy spending time with someone who is hard to get to know and has so many quirks. Being in a crowd I always feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me. Any time I hear people whispering I think it's about me. It takes me probably 3x as long as anybody else to send someone a text or an email or a message on Facebook (if i even send it at all)because I read it and reread it and change things and then freak out about how the person I'm sending it to will take it. I feel like a constant annoyance to the people I try to talk to. That's the hardest part. There are just a couple people I feel safe talking to and I don't feel 100% safe talking to them or even 50%. I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing or I'll annoy them or scare them off. Or I don't really have anything to talk about, I just want to talk to them about anything but then I think they won't want to talk to me if I have nothing to talk about and I'll annoy them.  It sucks. I want to start conversations with certain people. I'm dying to talk to them and I can't. I just can't. Then they don't and I think oh no what did I do wrong and then I really can't. I'm longing for those deep connections again but I can't. It's bad enough to turn into a blushing , stuttering, frustrated mess in front of a waitress it's a whole other level in pure awful to have someone you really adore and care about and not have the courage to talk to them or not be able to enjoy it because you're analyzing every word you're saying or typing. It's torture and the absolute worst part is 98% of it is in your head and nobody else knows the war raging in your head.  So they don't know you need help or what help you need and you can't even tell them. It's like this non stop cycle. It makes you dizzy and exhausted and you keep ending up in the same place...ALONE, SAD, and SCARED.

Wow I did not mean for that be so long or dramatic or detailed but once it started coming out it just wouldn't stop (that is another thing I do that is annoying, once I start talking to someone I word vomit on them and scare them away) I hope this helps those of you who don't deal with social anxiety understand it a little better and helps people who do deal with know they aren't alone. I know the social anxiety tells you, you are alone, you are worthless, you are annoying, you are broken, you are not worth anyone's time, and so many other things because it tells me the same things all the time but it's wrong. We've just gotta keep fighting! We are worth it, we aren’t annoying, we aren't alone, we are not worthless. Maybe we are broken but deep down inside I believe everyone is a little broken.