More random thoughts lol

Hey everybody! It’s been awhile since I wrote but here I am! So much going on in my life right now and so much stress! About the time I get through one thing here comes another. This crap train can stop any time lol! I’m ready for a break and some good things! My 24^th birthday is next Saturday! I remember when birthday’s used to be such a big deal! I started counting down as soon as school ended lol! I got cards and money in the mail. I got to have a slumber party and invite all my friends. We ate all kinds of food and watched movies until the wee hours of the morning! It was my special day! Now I’m lucky if anybody remembers lol! I no longer have friends to do anything with. So I will spend the first part of it with my mom and sister at women’s conference and the last part with the rest of my family. Probably have some cake! I have been in an awful mood today for several reasons. I’m having one of those times where I just don’t feel like I fit in anywhere. I’m just feeling sort of lost right now! I’ll be honest I flat out feel lonely. I constantly feel like something is missing and I don’t’ know what it is or where to find it. I just wish I had friend I could count on. A friend who wouldn’t just ask me for advice and pour out their heart to me but let me do the same. I guess that is kind of what we all want! I don’t know how to explain what I am feeling. One of those things words simply fall short in explaining!

                I’ve been watching a lot of movies lately! I love movies! My favorite that I have watched lately is The Help! It’s a great movie and is pretty funny as well! It has a great message and is also a great reminder of how black people suffered in the 40s and 50s. But the biggest thing I liked about this movie was that I could relate to the main character. I won’t tell you the whole story in case you go see it. I obviously can’t relate to everything she goes through but I can relate to her love for the babies she cares for. The only job I have ever had is babysitting. I started babysitting when I was 12 and have cared for dozens of children since then. For me it was never about earning a little money. It was a job I’ve always taken very seriously. It’s not always been an easy or fun job. The kids are usually the easy part, dealing with the parents not so much. I love them and care for them like they are my own. I get attached to them (especially the ones I kept for several hours every day)! I live in constant fear of doing something wrong and their parents taking them elsewhere! It can be painful sometimes. My sister and I watched a little boy at the beginning of the year for a few months. We loved the little guy so much and got so attached to him. And then one day with no notice his mom quit her job and that was the last time we watched him. You always know one day it will end. I won’t take care of this baby from now on but nothing can prepare you for the heartbreak you feel each time it happens. And no matter how many times I feel it, I never get used to it! I kept the nursery at my church for several years and I still remember the night they told me it was over. I understood why they had to do it but it broke my heart. I went to the bathroom and just bawled.  I took a break from taking care of babies for a while. I couldn’t stay away long though! I can say with 100% honesty I don’t regret a single child that I have loved and gotten attached to! I don’t regret a single moment of doing this! I wish I could do this from now! But I don’t think I can live on $100 a month forever! My sister and I have been caring for this little baby girl for a while now! Cutest little thing! But I can sense the tension rising and I see the cracks forming. I know one day she will leave that house and never come back. She will leave my arms and never again return! It breaks my heart but it’s part of the job. I push forward after every heartbreak and long for the day when I have my own babies and nobody will take them away from me! Babies are gifts from God and true blessings! It also breaks my heart to see a parent who doesn’t appreciate that or their child. So I love the saying for the movie “You is smart, you is kind, and you is important!” If I cared for your baby for any amount of time please know I loved them and I could have never done anything to hurt them! Some caretakers are bad but most of us are not!  I jump in feet first in loving these babies! For those of you, who take your child to daycare or to a sitter; don’t ever forget to thank them. Don’t ever forget all that they do! Their job isn’t an easy one and is often times filled with heartache and disappointment but they love your child and do their best in whatever time they have to love them and care for them as if they are their own! Taking care of babies has taught me a lot. But the main thing it has taught me is to really enjoy every single moment because life moves so fast. It’s so easy to get caught up in looking back and wishing you could change things or looking forward and worrying about the future that we so often miss out on the wonderful things in front of us. These babies are only babies for a short time. They are only a part of my life a short time and then they are gone. Most of them don’t even remember me, but I remember them! They are such a blessing to me and I carry a piece of each one of them in my heart everywhere I go! One of these days I will leave this job and begin teaching. Although they have their similarities I know it will be very different. Instead of just a couple of babies/toddlers it will be a room of kids who I am in charge of not just loving on and caring for but teaching everything they need to know. I worry I won’t get the joy out teaching that I do out of babysitting. I guess we will just see what happens. For now I am just enjoying every minute with bug and turby. And I know when the time comes for me to say goodbye to this job, I will walk away with a heavy heart but I will leave a better person! I will leave with no regrets! I will leave knowing I gave every part of me to caring for and loving these babies and I played a part in their live and they played a part in mine. I will walk away being able to smile and say “What a beautiful and wonderful adventure!”

Well I don’t know anything else! I hope you are all doing well! Just a few days let in childhood cancer awareness month!

14 year old me!

                I wrote this letter a few months ago. It’s a letter to me, well to me when I was 14. That was a really rough year for me. I really felt like I would never amount to anything or mean anything to anybody. I felt so depressed and so alone, probably more than I ever have. I even thought about suicide. I even had a plan but I never went through with it. I always say I was too chicken but the truth is God wouldn’t let me. He had a plan for my life and me ending it at 14 wasn’t part of that plan! I am almost  24 and looking back me at 14 there are so many things I wish I could tell myself and this letter is just a few of them!  

Dear 14 year old me,

                Do not be afraid to be who you truly are! You are beautiful and wonderful because God made you and he has a plan for you! I know it feels like your life is over but it’s just beginning! She was a great friend for a lot of years! You have wonderful memories with her but it’s time to move on. It is for the best! It hurts like hell (I wish I could say it gets easier or better but you just get used to it) but it is for the best! I know the bullying is constant and the words hurt so badly. But remember the things they are saying aren’t true. It’s not about you, it’s about them. You don’t deserve what they are doing to you, nobody does! Their words and their blows will stay with you but one day you will understand it was never about you! You are a wonderful, smart, and beautiful person! You may never be a super model, a professional athlete, an actress, or a singer. You may never even be known by more than just a hand full of people. But that’s okay because God is in control! He has a plan! Hold your head up proud because you are one of a kind and you are special! You think these problems seem petty but they aren’t petty! If they don’t feel petty to you then they aren’t petty! Enjoy every minute because it will go by so fast! Life is a rough journey. There are so many ups and downs. Sometimes the downs can be really painful and bad! Sometimes life just flat sucks. But the good moments, the moments that take your breath away are what makes life worth living and I promise there are many of those ahead! I am writing these things now because there wasn’t anyone to tell me these things back then. Because I was a big girl and I could handle my problems! So if there is one thing I have learned from all of this it’s to not be afraid to ask for help!  See 14 year old me all this pain, anger, depression, sadness, and fear aren’t for nothing! You are learning many lessons through all those tears! Those tears and pain are making you into the person you were always meant to be! Never give up!! It does get better!

Love,

A much wiser older me

September 11th and other things!

                Well it’s that time of year again, fall (well almost lol). I love fall! I love the lower temperatures, the changing colors of the leaves, Halloween, Thanksgiving, football, and most important my birthday!  For me it’s just a magical time of year, it always has been! But September always bring the anniversary of something that changed our country forever. You all know what I am talking about, 9/11.

                I was 14 and had just started the 8^th grade that cool Tuesday morning! I was a small town girl who had barley been out of Texas, let alone to New York or Washington DC (I still am lol). I don’t know if I’d ever even heard of the World Trade Center before that morning, I certainly didn’t understand what it was or what it represented. Nor did I understand what the Pentagon was or what it represented. But I knew when the principal came in and whispered something into my History teacher’s ear that morning the things going on were bad. I remember her saying we aren’t going to read about History today kids, we are going to watch it! She flipped on the TV and we watched. I always say that I didn’t fully understand the things that happened that day but really did anybody?? I think this was something even the most knowledgeable of adults had a hard time understanding the thing that happened that morning and even the weeks that followed. I did understand though that thousands of people were losing their lives while I watched and there wasn’t anything anybody, me included could do to stop it. I watched as thousands of fireman, EMTs/Paramedics, and police officers rushed into those buildings as everyone else rushed out and was amazed! And then as those building crumbled I was horrified knowing many of them lost their lives. I can’t believe it’s been 10 years since that morning! It seems like it was just yesterday in a lot of ways! I think of all the people who lost loved ones and my heart just breaks! That day showed us how evil people can be but even in the middle of that we saw how good people could be! People helping others down the stairs at the World Trade Center, people risking their lives to save others, the brave men and women on Flight 93 who decided they were going to take things into their own hands and not allow these men the privilege of carrying out the horrendous act they were planning and in the process saving who knows how many lives. 9/11 united our country through tragedy and we leaned on each other to get through it.  My thoughts and prayers are with the families of the victims of that horrible morning! I can’t imagine the type of pain these people go through on a daily basis but especially this day every year! American’s will always remember 9/11 and the pain it brought! We will always remember the people who lost their lives and their families! God Bless the USA!

                All of our lives changed that morning but no one’s life (except for the survivors of the people killed of course) changed more than the Muslims who live, work, and raise their families in this country! One thing that bothered me as that young 14 year old girl trying to make sense of all this and still bothers me now as an adult is the hatred this event started for Muslims. People have such crazy ideas about Islam and its followers. They see it as a religion of hate and killing but the truth is that isn’t the case. The majority of Muslims are good people. They want the same things we do and have no interest in doing the things that the men who carried out, planned, and funded the things that happen that morning. I’ve been blessed to know a few Muslims personally and I’ve seen the goodness in their hearts and what their religion is really about. Just like all Japanese weren’t responsible for what happened at Pearl Harbor, all Muslims aren’t responsible for what happened on 9/11. I’ve watched the last 10 years and read countless stories of mosques being burned, kids being harassed, and even in severe cases people physically harmed because they are Muslim and it breaks my heart! I’ve heard the ignorant crap being spewed from people’s mouths and it makes me sick. Please try to remember not all Muslims fly planes into buildings, blow things up, or kill people! Most of them just like us spend their days going to work and taking care of their families. Please don’t make more victims of this horrible tragedy!

                On an unrelated note as a Texan I am been following these fires down around Austin and all over the state! We are all in real trouble right now! We have had the hottest driest summer ever for any state in the country! If we don’t get some rain soon, I don’t know whats going to happen! Frankly I try not to think about it because it scares me. I guess I follow these fires so closely because I feel for these people and I understand what they are feeling. We had a rough wildfire season(that is still going!) this year but I was more directly affected by wildfires in 2006. March 12^th, 2006 was the single worst day for wild fires in Texas history. It was a Sunday. I went to church that morning like I always did. I had no idea how that day would change my life but it did. I got home that afternoon and ate lunch. The wind was blowing hard. I mean it always blows hard but this day was like nothing I could remember seeing before(sustained winds of around 40mph with gusts as high as 60-70mph). It was Spring Break and we were packing to go to my Grandmas. That afternoon we began to see smoke in the distance. We knew there were a few fires but we didn’t think much of it. However by the time we got out of church that evening it became clear the smoke and flames were getting very close…too close! The fire was heading towards town and around 7 or 8 that evening evacuations began. We watched as the fires got close enough we could see the flames rising high into the sky and the smoke would choke you. The sky was a crazy weird shade of orange. We began to get things ready to leave. We were already packing so it wasn’t too hard. I was scared to death! Until you set there and watch a giant fire makes it way towards you, you can’t understand that fear. We got lucky about the time the fire reached town there was a wind change that drove the fire the other direction. We were up all night keeping our eyes and ears open just in case. Before it was all said and done the fires consumed over 400,000 acres of land, killed 11, and burned many structures. Everything was just gone! It took them several days to put these fires out and our lives were forever changed. We are better prepared for these things. I feel I am better prepared but I am terrified of these things! We in this area takes these things much more serious!   To the people affected by the fires now I just say hold on. I know right now it feels like these fires will burn from now on and that life will never be normal again but they will be put out and you will move on! My thoughts and prayers are with you all!

                Well I guess that is all I have for now! The regular season for the NFL starts tomorrow!! I’m excited! Let’s go colts!!

Whatever is meant to be will find away!

                Hey guys! It has been a crazy couple of weeks! I’m glad last week is over; I am ready for a new and hopefully better week! I want to first start off by talking about something very near and dear to my heart! September is childhood cancer awareness month. We all know October is breast cancer awareness month but few people know about September. Childhood cancers in general receive less funding and therefore fewer studies than adult cancers do. That is just so wrong. These kids deserve so much better than that! Our health care system is failing our kids! So if you feel the same way get the word out there! Wear a gold ribbon, put a picture of a gold ribbon as your profile picture, and most importantly spread the word!

                I’ve always believed everything happens for reason. I’ve also always believed that God brings people in your life and takes them out of your life at just the right time. The bringing people in my life is easy to handle. He brings great people in my life and they always seem to show up at the right. But him taking people out of my life is the hard thing to handle. There is a person who I was really close too for a long time at one point in my life. But things change and for whatever reason she was taken out of my life. I thought at the time that I would eventually just stop thinking about her and it would just be a wonderful memory. I’m still waiting for that day. I wonder if she thinks about me. I wonder if she misses me or if she just moved on. I always secretly hoped something would bring us together again and we would pick up where we left off…10 years later I know that just isn’t an option. But my heart still secretly hopes!  When most people think of a soul mate they think of it as a romantic thing. Although I have a wonderful boyfriend of 9 years, I don’t view soul mates as necessarily a romantic thing. I fully believe she was my soul mate. She understood me and I understood her. We could look at each other and know what the other was thinking. No matter how hard I tried to hide it she could tell when I was sad, scared, or angry and she always knew how to cheer me up and I did the same for her. I’ve wondered many times how we messed up something so beautiful and I guess the truth is we were 14. We didn’t understand what we had or at least I didn’t. I had done a pretty good job of pushing this out of my mind until recently. I’ve seen her twice in the last week and both times my heart just stopped and I had to hold back and keep myself from running to her and giving her a hug. She has been on my mind a lot since then and all those old questions keep coming back. The only thing I know for sure is God gives and God takes away and he gave me several wonderful years and hundreds of wonderful memories with this person and then he took her away from me. He has plan. It’s up to me to figure out what it is. But let me tell you, knowing all that doesn’t make any of this easy.

                I should so be sleeping because I have church in the morning but sleep isn’t coming easy for me tonight. There isn’t much new about that. I have always been a night owl and suffered from insomnia! One thing I am not is a morning person! People think I’m nuts when they realize that most nights I’m not asleep until 3 or 4 in the morning and sleep until 11 or so. But I love being up at night after everyone has gone to sleep and the house is so quiet! It’s a great time for thinking!

                Well that is all for now! Guess I better go get some sleep lol! God bless you all!

A new chapter!

                Hey guys! I decided I needed to start a new blog for my non-softball related thoughts and keep my softball blog to softball. I guess I will start off by telling you a little bit about myself.  I will be 24 a month from Thursday. I am a quiet person. But don’t mistake my quiet nature as being a sign of me being dumb or that I am stuck up. Neither one is the case. Also don’t assume because I don’t say anything that I don’t have an opinion on the matter. I almost always do but you probably wouldn’t like what I had to say lol. I don’t have a lot of friends…ok I really don’t have any. It’s not that I don’t want friends because I do! But I don’t trust people easily and people are generally not willing to do the work to gain my trust. Maybe my expectations are just too high. But I’ve been used and hurt way too many times. When you are young friendships are just so easy but it seems the older you get the harder they get. In fact, I’ve about decided it’s impossible. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ll likely never have another friend that I can spend lots of time with and tell everything to. I’ll likely never again have a friend who I know I can count on all the time. I’ll likely never have a friend again that isn’t just my friend when I can help them but is also there when I need them. It sucks! I would love to have someone I could just go grab a cup of coffee and chat with. I would love to have someone who takes the time to get to know me and love me for me. Someone who loves me for the person I am and not what I can offer them. I’ve learned to deal with that. I have a lot great things in my life and I am very blessed and thankful!

                I have a wide variety of interest. I love to read! I’ve been reading since I was 3. I can remember when I was in elementary school my then best friend and I would ride our bikes to the public library atleast 3 times a week. We would devour 40-50 books a summer a piece easy! We would turn on some Backstreet Boys or NSYNC and read for hours. Books have always been my escape. For a few moments I could be anybody and anywhere I wanted to! The writing came later for me. I had a really hard time learning to write and was in probably the end of 1^st grade or maybe even beginning of 2^nd grade before I could even write my name. Once I finally did learn to write a new problem developed. I couldn’t spell. I struggled through 2^nd and 3^rd with teachers who told me I just wasn’t trying hard enough. 4^th grad was different. That was the first year we switched classes. My homeroom teacher was awful and should have never been allowed around children period. But for reading and spelling I went to another teacher named Mrs. Foote. She caught on to my issues with spelling very quickly. She knew I was trying really hard and she spent many many hours helping me. Without her I am afraid I’d still spell like a 2^nd grader! My spelling is still awful but without her it would have been so much worse! I didn’t start to really enjoy writing until I was in middle school. I was bullied something awful in middle school and writing was a way for me to deal with what was going on. I’ve never been good at talking or expressing myself verbally. I had a lot built up anger, depression, sadness, and heartbreak. I had to get that out to even survive. It was hard enough with the ability to write my feelings down. Had I not used that, I don’t know if I would have survived. Another thing I enjoy is sports obviously. No I am not athlete lol! But I do love to watch. My favorites are softball and football! I have so many other interests but this blog is already getting long lol!

                I’ve been in college for 2 years now. I love it! It’s not always fun but gaining knowledge and making something of myself is amazing and I am so blessed to have that opportunity! That has never been clearer to me than now. I homeschooled for half of my junior year and all of my senior year. I loved it! It was amazing to have so much control of how and what I learned and when I learned. It was amazing to be able to learn without dealing with other annoying students and dealing with bullies! However my transcript doesn’t have a graduation date and because of that I now have to sit out a semester. It sucks! But it is what it is. I am going to get my GED and I am going to come back better than ever next semester. I have dreams, wants, and desires and I am going to achieve those things! I am an education major. I have people ask me if I always wanted to be a teacher and the honest answer is no. I’ve always loved kids but teaching was not something that ever occurred to me. But as I began to try to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, I knew I wanted to be around children and I wanted to make a difference in their lives. As I thought about my childhood I realized that some of the people who had the biggest impact on my life were teachers. 2 impaticular made a huge impression on me and changed my life, my 5^th grade teacher and my Theatre teacher from 6^th- sophomore year of high school. So I decided I wanted to do the same thing with my life! I’ll be honest looking back 10 years ago I would have never guessed I’d be here. Not that it’s necessarily a bad thing or place, it’s just not what I wanted or even want right now.

                Anyway I think that is enough for tonight! I will right more later! Hope you guys are all doing well!