What's going on in my life(why I disappeared) and continuing 100 Days of Happiness

Well as you can see it's been about 5 or 6 weeks since I've posted on here. I told myself I was going to write more. I was going to do more with this blog and do different things with this blog. But then life got hard and I felt like the weight of the entire world was sitting on my shoulders(and I still feel that way) and the first thing I abandoned was writing.

I don't know why writing is always the first thing I run from when things get hard. I've written nothing since my last entry...nothing. I know that part of it writing while great therapy for me, forces me to look at everything and analyze and not just ignore it. In some ways, it allows me to escape but in others it forces me to be present and deal with everything. I also have idea as crazy as it sounds, that if I put stuff in writing not only does it make things real, it feels like I'm asking for things to get worse. Please don't expect me to explain that because well there is no way I can lol. It's just how my crazy mixed up brain works ROFL.

The last couple of years have been crappy...really really really crappy.  I feel like I've not had the chance to process anything that has happened over the last 2 years because about the time one crap storm ended another has been in full force. At first, it's okay. You can balance a few things. You can put a few things on the back burner. You can put a smile on your face and pretend to be okay. But as time goes on and more and more and more is being stacked up, it's not okay...you're not okay. It weighs you down, it screws with your mind and emotions, and you begin to feel like you'll never truly be happy again. I remember thinking about this time last year that I couldn't wait for life to go back to normal and I remember about November of last year when I realized, that the "normal" I used to know was gone and it's not coming back. You reach a point where your heart is so broken and damaged that you can't see how it will ever heal.  There are lessons to be learned and realizations that are made during these times in life. I know I've had a few of those. I've certainly been reminded yet again how short life is and that it's too short to live your life in a way that doesn't make you happy to make others happy. I've had many things in my life that need to be dealt with plopped in front of me. I've realized I have decisions I need to make. You only get one life, you better do things that make you happy and love people and tell people you love them because one day your time on Earth will be over and your chance to do those things will be gone. I've realized how I don't want to treat people who are hurting. But tonight I just feel all the pain, fear, sadness, and unknowns are clouding everything.

I know you're probably thinking "Melinda you sound depressed and very pessimistic" and you'd be completely correct. I am depressed. The things that used to bring me joy, don't anymore. A few years ago I'd be loving life right now because it's NCAA softball season. But this year I'm finding it hard to really get into it. It's been better the last couple of weeks but it's far from the way it used to be before(hence why I have a softball blog I haven't even looked at in over a year). Most mornings I wake up and all I can think about is pulling the blankets over my head and going back to sleep. It takes all the strength I have most days to get me out of bed. But I do it. I'm broken, tired, and frankly scared. It probably doesn't help that I really really dislike Spring and Summer. Someone sent me an article the other day talking about reverse seasonal depression and all I could think was "Wow that is so me!". Most people have seasonal depression in Winter but a few of us have reverse seasonal depression. That means it hits in Spring and Summer and starts to let up in Fall. Most people just don't get it and I don't get what is so great about flowers, sun, and warm/hot temperatures lol. Dealing with everything else going on and Spring has been terrible this year.   That's why I started this 100 Days of Happiness. I need to be reminded as much as anyone that even though things are bad right now and have been for quite sometime, there is still good in the world and still things that do make me smile. I need to be reminded of good memories. Hopefully one of these days, these storm clouds will pass and I'll come out stronger and happier than I could ever imagine now.

A couple of things that did make me happy lately were my youngest nephew turning a year old and getting to spend Easter with my sister and nephews! They are getting so big and are changing and learning so fast, it makes my head spin. They are truly the light and loves of my life!

These pictures are from Cannon's 1st birthday party!

This is both of the boys in matching outfits at Easter!

On to the next entry in my 100 Days of Happiness!

Day 4: YouTube


I probably watch more YouTube videos in one day than most people watch in a month lol. I enjoy family vlog channels, reborn/silicone baby channels, live webcams(I've watched all kinds of thinks I'll probably never see in real life. My favorite being the northern lights!), documentaries, someone has even been uploading televised softball games. Pretty much any kind of video you want is on YouTube. It's a great distraction!

My Mom and I have been watching a lot 9/11 stuff lately. We watched news coverage of the attacks and for several days after. We've watched documentaries. I think we've watched pretty much every 9/11 video on YouTube(except the conspiracy videos). I know why I enjoy them so much but I do. I guess I just feel like my brain is still struggling to understand it all.

I just like documentaries period. I like learning about events and people. YouTube has a great selection of documentaries! It makes me happy because as I already said it's a great distraction and also there is just always a video to make me smile!

Well that's all for tonight. Hopefully I'll be back tomorrow with another 100 Days of Happiness entry!

100 Days of Hapiness: Day 3

Day 3: Coloring

I never stopped coloring. Before the adult coloring craze caught on I bought children's coloring books and crayons or colored pencils or markers and colored with those. I love the adult coloring books and using colored pencils, gel pens, occasionally eye shadow. I've found in the last couple of years when life has been so crazy and hard and I've struggled with depression and anxiety, that coloring really helped. I can get lost in it and relax a little(because let's face it I don't ever completely relax).  Here are some pictures I've colored:

100 Days of Happiness: Day 2

Today is Big Cat Rescue!
Big Cat Rescue Facebook page
Big Cat Rescue websitec
One of the Big Cat Rescue Youtube channe
lBig Cat Rescue's other Youtube page

I've always loved big cats(especially tigers, lions, and cougars) and I love the work this group does. They are an accredited sanctuary in Tampa, Florida. They are one of the biggest in the world for abused and abandoned big cats.

They do amazing things for these cats! They have the best vet care, diet, and great enrichment activities for their big cats to ensure they are comfortable, happy, and healthy. For the vast majority of those cats it's the first time they've had those things in their lives.

I love watching their videos on Youtube and watching them feed the cats live on Facebook Live each evening. I wish I could afford to help them out. But since I can't I'll pass on this group and the amazing things they do!

Here are some of my favorite cats:

Zabu and Cameron

This isn't my picture. It belongs to Big Cat Rescue.

Zabu is a white tiger and Cameron is a lion. They were rescued together and very bonded. Because they were so close BCR didn't want to separate them. So they live together. Zabu is hyper and likes to play and run around. Cameron is a typical sleepy lion but occasionally Zabu cab talk him into playing with her :). You learn more about both of them here:

Zabu
Cameron

Joseph or JoJo the lion

Joseph is big and loud and everything you would think of a lion being! He is has a beautiful thick mane! To learn more about Joseph go here:
Joseph the Lion

Sabre the black leopard

 Sabre is thought to be the oldest leopard  alive. He recently turned 25! He is so beautiful! To learn more about Sabre go here:

Sabre the black leopard

Aspen the Cougar

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Aspen is a cougar. She has quite a personality and is very hyper and playful! If you want to know more about Aspen go here:

Aspen Echo the cougar


That is all for today! Please stop by and check out Big Cat Rescue and learn about this great organization and all of their beautiful animals!

100 Days of Happiness...Melinda style!

I've decided to start a couple of new series on here and the first one is "100 Days of Happiness" but I'm going to put my spin on it a little bit. If you don't know what that is, it's normally done on Facebook with just a picture a short explanation. You can google it for more information. I'll try to keep up with this and do a new one each day(but I make no promises lol). I started this before on Facebook but didn't finish. But I feel the last year has really put things in perspective for me and made me realize I need to make more time for appreciating the good things in life.   The other series I want to do is reviewing movies. I love movies. I'll start that on a different day but if I put it on here I'll be more likely to follow through lol. Let's get started on the 100 Days of Happiness.

Day 1:
My nephews!

They always make me smile and feel so much joy.

Zander is 2. He is feisty, sassy, hyper, dramatic, but he's also very funny, sweet, and loving. He melts my heart everything he laughs or smiles. I love watching him play and learn. He's really talking a lot now and his personality is coming out more and more. He has a sweet tooth like his Tia(me lol). He likes suckers, fruit chews, cake, cookies lol. He loves basket balls and soccer balls and footballs lol. He's a crazy kid but amazing! I'm so glad he's my nephew!

We brought his Mommy a birthday cake and he loved it :)

 Cannon is 11 months old(yesterday actually). He is so sweet and cuddly! He loves Minions. He loves food! He's just a sweet sweet baby boy :). He just recently started crawling and pulling up. I think he had he ability for awhile but he just decided to do it recently lol. He also recently learned to clap and it is adorable! I can't imagine life without him!

So that's a little about my nephews and why they make me happy! I love those little guys like my own! At this point I don't know that I will ever have kids, so I plan to enjoy every minute with these two! It's a constant tug of war of being excited to see them grow and learn and being sad at how fast they are growing. I feel like Cannon's first year of life has gone by 4 or 5 times as fast as Zander's did. Sadly I feel like because the last year has been such a mess we've didn't really get to enjoy his first year of life the way we would have liked to(at least I know I didn't). Hopefully his 2nd year will be better :). I'll be back tomorrow with another day of happiness!

10 baby names I love but would never use

I've been seeing this thing on YouTube where people list 10 names they love but would never use. So I decided to do it on my blog. So let's get started. I'm going to go back and forth between girl and boy names. 

1. Hannah
I love the sound of this name and the way it looks. I've loved it since I was a kid. But it's very popular. There are two in my family already, so yep I'd never use it.

2. Blaire
I know most people associate this as a girls name but I've always liked it as a boys name. Blaire was the middle name of every boy baby doll I had as a kid. However given it's popularity as a girl's name I'd never use it.

3. Emma
Emma was often my go to name for girl dolls. It's pretty and feminine. But I know two people I don't like with daughters named Emma...and I just can't imagine using it now lol.

4. Alexander
Alexander is such a strong masculine name. I love the way it sounds. But my ..oldest nephew is named Zander...so yeah lol.

5. Bella
Love the name but I have a dog named Bella...so yeah lol.

6. Jaden
Jaden is another name I've always liked. But it seems everyone I know has an Aidan, Hayden, Caden, or Jaden. Popularity doesn't usually bother me but this is one name that is too popular even for me!

7. Alexis
I love the name. But my sister had a friend when we were kids named Lexi who was really annoying. Her given name was Alexis. I'd just never be able to think of anything else if I used the name.

8. Camden
I discovered this name a few years ago and fell for it quickly. Apparently everyone else did too because it's become very common since then, for boys and girls. So I'd probably never use it.

9. Abigail
Abigail or Abby is another name I used for my dolls a lot as a kid. Then I went to middle school and met a girl named Abby and that took care of that for me lol.

10. Noah
Noah is a cute name and it's biblical but it's another that is just a little too popular for me.

That was a lot of fun. Maybe one day I'll do names I love and want to use!

It goes on

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life:It goes on."

I adore that quote! I've long dreamed of having it tattooed somewhere but who knows if that will ever happen. The funny thing about the fact that I adore that quote, is it is completely opposite of how I handle things :).

Moving on has never been my strongest  skill. I am especially that way with people. I don't let a lot of people in. I don't allow myself to get attached to many people. But when I do, I cling to them and our relationship like a sticker to a piece of construction paper. Separating the two is almost impossible and when you finally do it, neither one is ever the same.

In some ways, it's good. Nobody could ever say I'm not loyal lol. I'm so loyal, I'd probably drive you nuts. I'm willing to fight for relationships. I pour all I have into people I love. But on the other hand it's bad. Often times I find myself in a position where I'm giving, and giving, and giving some more and I never get anything in return. I can do that at first and I can continue doing it for awhile. But eventually I'm going to run out of stuff to give. All too often I don't realize someone is draining me until I'm empty.  In other words, I let myself get walked all over. I think some of it has to do with the fact that I have a hard time believing anybody would want to be friends with me, just for me. Some of it is just the simple fact that I adore seeing the people I love happy and I'll do anything to make that happen. Another bad thing about how attached I get is that when a relationship is over, I really really struggle to let go.

I look back at my life and I see many friendships I should've walked away from long before I did. I see people who had let me go and instead of accepting it, I dug my nails in and refused to let go of them. That leaves my heart bruised and battered. But I don't seem to know how to handle things in any other manner.

Every time it happens I promise myself I'm not going to let it happen again. But I do. I'm doing it right now and I know I am. But I can't convince my heart to let this person go. I know I have to. I know they've let me go and they've made their choice. But I adore this person and the thought of not having them in my life breaks my heart. I think the worst part is I don't understand why they've let me go and walked away.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess just putting it out there and kind of venting about it. We as humans long for closure in situations. We seem to forget that our lives aren't movies. We aren't guaranteed closure. Sometimes good things end and you've just got to accept that and move on. I need to be better with this. Hopefully one day I'll be able to do that.

8 years ago

 
I think everyone has those moments in life where you know your life will never be the same. Your life will always be divided into two parts, before that moment and after that moment. I have a few of those moments. 8 years ago today marks one of the biggest of those moments in my life. I walked into an oral surgeons office with rotten infected disgusting teeth and I walked out with dentures...at 21 years old.

To fully understand how I ended up there we have to go back to when I was a kid. I was cursed with a small mouth and big teeth(thanks Dad!). I had a severe over bite(so severe I couldn't close my mouth), a narrow palate, and a mouth full of very crooked teeth. I had never had a single cavity though. My dentist appointments had always been good. I was sent to the orthodontist when I was about 10 and after taking tons of pictures of my mouth we were told I would need a palate spreader, a herbst appliance to bring my bottom jaw forward to fix my bite, and braces. I was excited. I'd never had a smile I liked. This was supposed to be my chance at a beautiful smile. My mouth was filled with metal during the Summer before I turned 11. It was uncomfortable. I was limited in what I could eat. There was a key that my mom had to put in my palate spreader to expand it every couple of days and the first couple of times hurt like h***. Things got stuck under my palate spreader. One time a piece of skin from sausage got stuck and left me with a piece of sausage blocking my airway. It was terrifying.  The arms on my herbst appliance rubbed the inside of cheeks. Adjustments on the braces always left my mouth sore. But it was worth it to have the smile I always wanted and the changes happened quickly . But something else happened quickly...cavities. Less than 6 months after my orthodontic work started I had my first cavity and they just kept coming and so the wheels were set in motion.

My braces were finally removed when I was 14 and my dreams of beautiful smile were once again gone. My teeth were in bad shape already. I had dental insurance but no more than they paid it was like not having it and my parents couldn't afford to pay upfront to have my teeth fixed and most dentists wouldn't take payments and so my teeth only got worse. I saw one dentist for awhile who was supposedly fixing the damage but he seemed to be making things worse. One of the last times I saw him he told my mom "If she develops any signs of infection in those teeth I worked on let me know and I'll call something in" and wouldn't you know it less than 24 hours later I was in agony.

I was a quiet kid. I was bullied and made fun of a lot as is. But you add rotten teeth to the mix and it just makes it worse. I didn't smile and I talked as little as I could get by with. But still kids will be kids. "What's wrong with your teeth?" "Don't you brush your teeth?" "Don't you see the dentist?" "Don't your teeth hurt?" For a young girl who is already at an age where self confidence and self esteem is hard to come by, adding rotten teeth is just horrible.

I left public school to homeschool halfway through my junior year for other reasons. But escaping the constant discussion about my teeth was great. But my teeth continued to rot. Eventually one of my front teeth completely broke off. I remember the day it happened so well. My boyfriend was over and we were hanging out in my room eating something and it just cracked and broke right off.  I cried then but I cried even harder later. I didn't want to go out. I didn't want to smile.

Finally someone offered to pay to have my teeth fixed. I saw the dentist and he told me what I already knew, they couldn't be saved and I'd need dentures. I had to have impressions made(which was probably the worst part of the whole thing but that is a story for another day). I had to pick a color for my teeth. I had to meet with an oral surgeon. The date was set for February 17th, 2009. I had to be there at 1 o'clock PM. I was going to have all my teeth pulled and  6 wisdom teeth cut out.

The night before I was terrified! How bad would it hurt afterwards? What if I didn't like my dentures? What if my dentures didn't fit? Was this the wrong decision? What if I didn't wake up from the anesthesia? I didn't sleep at all.

The day of I was even more terrified. I remember sitting in the waiting room hearing my own heart thud in my ears. They took me back and my mom went with me. They had me take an antibiotic and a couple of Advil. They put in an IV and hooked me up to heart and oxygen monitors. They gave me a little laughing gas and then put me out. I woke up in the middle in awful pain but the oral surgeon was great and kept me calm until the extra dose of medicine they gave me kicked in. I don't remember much afterwards because of the extra medicine. I slept the rest of the day, only waking up to change my ice pack and to drink and take medicine. But it wasn't as bad as I imagined it to be.

I knew physically it would be hard and painful but I didn't anticipate how emotional I would be. Unless you've been through having your teeth pulled you can't understand the emotional side of it. It's a huge change. It changes your entire face. You have to relearn how to eat, talk to a certain extent, and smile again. The talking was easy for me but the eating seemed to take forever. I hadn't been able to bite with my front teeth in years and I had done all my chewing on the right side because I had very few molars on the left side. I didn't think I was ever going to figure it out. Smiling I feel like is still a challenge for me. For so long, I smiled only with my mouth closed. It's still hard for me to let go of that and see the beauty of my smile.  Even if you know having your teeth pulled and getting dentures is the best decision, it's still wildly emotional. I think being young only made that worse.

But after the first little bit the emotions improved. For the first time in several years I wasn't in pain or worrying about infection. For the first time ever I had a smile I loved. It was one of the most amazing experiences of life! 8 years later I can honestly say my only regret is I didn't do it sooner. If I hadn't had it done I feel pretty sure I'd be dead by now from infection. I read stories about people dying from dental infections and it just breaks my heart. I would love one day to start a charity that pays for people to have their teeth fixed or pulled or whatever needs to be done because no one should have to walk around with rotten teeth and live in constant fear of dental infections.

If you are young(or even older) and facing dentures,  I just want you to know you aren't alone. It's easy to feel like a failure when your teeth are bad. I still sometimes have pangs of  regret and questions. I felt like for a long time I didn't deserve a beautiful smile. I mean evidently I didn't care for my teeth the way I should have. But that's not always the case. I worked hard to save my teeth but unfortunately it was all in vain. Having your teeth pulled and getting used to dentures isn't fun. Sometimes it downright painful! But it'll all be worth it and one day you'll be looking back and wondering how so many years went by so fast! It gets easier! Keep your head up, everything will be okay.