I don't know why writing is always the first thing I run from when things get hard. I've written nothing since my last entry...nothing. I know that part of it writing while great therapy for me, forces me to look at everything and analyze and not just ignore it. In some ways, it allows me to escape but in others it forces me to be present and deal with everything. I also have idea as crazy as it sounds, that if I put stuff in writing not only does it make things real, it feels like I'm asking for things to get worse. Please don't expect me to explain that because well there is no way I can lol. It's just how my crazy mixed up brain works ROFL.
The last couple of years have been crappy...really really really crappy. I feel like I've not had the chance to process anything that has happened over the last 2 years because about the time one crap storm ended another has been in full force. At first, it's okay. You can balance a few things. You can put a few things on the back burner. You can put a smile on your face and pretend to be okay. But as time goes on and more and more and more is being stacked up, it's not okay...you're not okay. It weighs you down, it screws with your mind and emotions, and you begin to feel like you'll never truly be happy again. I remember thinking about this time last year that I couldn't wait for life to go back to normal and I remember about November of last year when I realized, that the "normal" I used to know was gone and it's not coming back. You reach a point where your heart is so broken and damaged that you can't see how it will ever heal. There are lessons to be learned and realizations that are made during these times in life. I know I've had a few of those. I've certainly been reminded yet again how short life is and that it's too short to live your life in a way that doesn't make you happy to make others happy. I've had many things in my life that need to be dealt with plopped in front of me. I've realized I have decisions I need to make. You only get one life, you better do things that make you happy and love people and tell people you love them because one day your time on Earth will be over and your chance to do those things will be gone. I've realized how I don't want to treat people who are hurting. But tonight I just feel all the pain, fear, sadness, and unknowns are clouding everything.
I know you're probably thinking "Melinda you sound depressed and very pessimistic" and you'd be completely correct. I am depressed. The things that used to bring me joy, don't anymore. A few years ago I'd be loving life right now because it's NCAA softball season. But this year I'm finding it hard to really get into it. It's been better the last couple of weeks but it's far from the way it used to be before(hence why I have a softball blog I haven't even looked at in over a year). Most mornings I wake up and all I can think about is pulling the blankets over my head and going back to sleep. It takes all the strength I have most days to get me out of bed. But I do it. I'm broken, tired, and frankly scared. It probably doesn't help that I really really dislike Spring and Summer. Someone sent me an article the other day talking about reverse seasonal depression and all I could think was "Wow that is so me!". Most people have seasonal depression in Winter but a few of us have reverse seasonal depression. That means it hits in Spring and Summer and starts to let up in Fall. Most people just don't get it and I don't get what is so great about flowers, sun, and warm/hot temperatures lol. Dealing with everything else going on and Spring has been terrible this year. That's why I started this 100 Days of Happiness. I need to be reminded as much as anyone that even though things are bad right now and have been for quite sometime, there is still good in the world and still things that do make me smile. I need to be reminded of good memories. Hopefully one of these days, these storm clouds will pass and I'll come out stronger and happier than I could ever imagine now.
A couple of things that did make me happy lately were my youngest nephew turning a year old and getting to spend Easter with my sister and nephews! They are getting so big and are changing and learning so fast, it makes my head spin. They are truly the light and loves of my life!
These pictures are from Cannon's 1st birthday party!
This is both of the boys in matching outfits at Easter!
On to the next entry in my 100 Days of Happiness!
Day 4: YouTube
I probably watch more YouTube videos in one day than most people watch in a month lol. I enjoy family vlog channels, reborn/silicone baby channels, live webcams(I've watched all kinds of thinks I'll probably never see in real life. My favorite being the northern lights!), documentaries, someone has even been uploading televised softball games. Pretty much any kind of video you want is on YouTube. It's a great distraction!
My Mom and I have been watching a lot 9/11 stuff lately. We watched news coverage of the attacks and for several days after. We've watched documentaries. I think we've watched pretty much every 9/11 video on YouTube(except the conspiracy videos). I know why I enjoy them so much but I do. I guess I just feel like my brain is still struggling to understand it all.
I just like documentaries period. I like learning about events and people. YouTube has a great selection of documentaries! It makes me happy because as I already said it's a great distraction and also there is just always a video to make me smile!
Well that's all for tonight. Hopefully I'll be back tomorrow with another 100 Days of Happiness entry!
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