I've always been interested in eyes. I know how funny that must sound but it's true. I feel like I can look into someones eyes and see straight through to their souls. People's mouths lie both with word and action but their eyes can't lie. But there is more to it than that. I can't explain what I see when I look into someone's eyes. It always amazes me! People are so complicated and unique and beautiful! That's I suppose what you can say I see.
I feel like I can't trust someone completely if I can't look in their eyes and yet looking into someone eyes and trying to talk to someone in person is so hard for me. I feel like a contradiction.
All of this thought led me to my mirror, looking at my own eyes trying to see what I could. They were blue. Not a bright blue like some but blue none the less. I've always loved the deep blue color of my eyes, I always thought it was a good representation of my soul. Deep, blue, and kind of cold. But I had to look past the color to see what I'd come to find. To me my eyes looked tired. I saw sadness. I saw a sense of being lost. I saw fear. I saw a general dislike of myself. I saw weakness. I saw all things I didn't want to see.
But then I found myself wondering do my eyes really look like that? Is that really the person other people see? Maybe my internal struggles cloud what I see in my own my eyes.
That made me wonder how other people saw my eyes and me. Would it be what I saw? Would I want to hear what they had to say? Would it perhaps be better than what I see? Would they see nothing at all? Would they even care to look?
I think we all look at things through colored lenses. Some lenses make things look better than they are and others make things look worse. Our lens for ourselves almost always show us nothing but the negative(or at least mine does). I am without a doubt my own worst enemy and as I stood in front of that mirror I felt the weight of my own judgements on my shoulders. I suddenly felt like I was dragging a couple hundred pounds of weight through the Sahara dessert. It broke my heart and it broke my heart to wonder how many other people around me, also feel this way.
All of the outside voices telling you how great you are can only do so much to improve your view of yourself. I believe you have to work hard to change the internal voices in your head and that is an ongoing hard battle for me. It's not something someone else can do for you.
But I believe that doesn't mean we should stop telling people how great they are. It doesn't mean we shouldn't take the time to look into dive into someone elses eyes and feel their pain and acknowledge that pain and work to lift them up. Because while none of that can repair everything a person is telling themselves(or what other people have told them or are telling them), it's still good to hear and it might just mean the world to someone. Our goal should always always always be to lift people up and not tear them down.
Life is short and you only get so many opportunities to tell a person how you feel about them and what you see when you look at them. You only get so many opportunities to enjoy a connection with someone. You only get so many opportunities to enjoy a moment with any one person.
So if you love someone tell them. If you think they are amazing or strong or if they've touched your life/blessed you or if they inspired you, tell them. Don't tell them this stuff just once, tell them over and over. It might not fix all their problems, it might not change the world, but it could be enough to keep them going. If you get the chance to spend time with someone you don't see often, do it. You never know when the chance you passed up on, might be the last.
But most importantly don't forget to love on yourself, to be kind to yourself, tell yourself your amazing and strong. The goal is to look into your own eyes and see a strong amazing human being that you love and are as kind to as you are anyone else.
Let's see if I can follow my own advice because it's devastating to look in the mirror and see none of that stuff. I'm not okay right now...and that's okay. I could blame it on a thousand different things but the reality is in the last few years I've allowed myself to become someone I'm not. I've beaten myself down more than anyone else possibly could. I know my own weaknesses better than anyone and I've used them against myself.
One day I'll be okay again. But right now I have a lot to learn and a lot of room to grow. The first step in that is being more kind to myself and seeing myself as a human being who is flawed, imperfect complicated but also amazing, unique, and worthy of love even when I feel I'm not.
Saturday, August 26, 2017
Tuesday, August 22, 2017
Music teacher? Midwife? Doula? What am I going to do with my life and what are my dreams??
Well I decided to experiment with some of the settings on here and decided I like the letters bold and blue, so there ya go lol.
Anyway on to what I was going to write about. I've been thinking a lot the last few days about what I want this new chapter to look like and about my dreams, hopes, wants, and all of that. So I thought I'd discuss some of that on here.
I feel like the first thing I need to do is figure out exactly what I want to do with my life and how I'm going to make that happen. When I first went to college my major was education. I was thinking I wanted to be a Kindergarten teacher. But as time went on I just wasn't sure. I took an unplanned unwanted break from school and during that time I decided to change my major to Psychology for some weird reason lol. So the Associates degree I'm just a few hours shy of completing is in Psychology. But I have zero desire to do that. I thought until maybe 6 or 8 months ago I had no desire to go back to teaching either. But about 6 or 8 months ago someone mentioned getting my education degree and doing something in the arts. The arts were always my thing(and I mean that I enjoyed them, not that I was necessarily that good at them lol). In elementary school, I was always excited to perform in the plays(even though I despised my music teacher lol) and I did tons of musicals at church. The last 3 years I had major parts in the musicals at church. I really loved it. When I was in 5th grade you got to choose between continuing in music or switching to band(they don't do that in 5th grade here any more and I really think kids are missing out because of that but that's another story for another day lol). I switched to band and again really loved it. When I was in 6th grade you not only got to choose between band and choir but also theatre arts and art. I chose theatre. I knew nothing about it but quickly fell in love and I took it from then until I left public school half way through my junior year. So I've thought about finishing my teaching degree and being an elementary music teacher. I've also kind of thrown around the idea of going a step further and teaching theatre at the middle school level. However I'm not sure if I have enough experience to do that. But I've certainly thought about it and still am. All I know is music and threatre(and a theatre teacher and a couple of band directors) very much helped shape who I am today and I'd love to be able to give that experience to a child. My middle school years were very hard for me and band and theatre and the bonds I made in those classes, were the things that got me through and kept me sane. I have a huge heart for kids who are bullied and I'd love to be able to give them an outlet like I had. I guess the main reason I stray away from this dream is because I worry I wouldn't be a good teacher because of my personality(introverted shy soft spoken), especially in a subject like music or theatre where you normally only see outgoing bubbly teachers(and especially at a higher level then elementary school). But it's certainly something that I have thought about a lot and keeps coming back to me. So we'll see what happens.
However I also have another area that I've very interested in and that's pregnancy, labor, and post postpartum care. I've had a dream for a long time about being a midwife. Recently though I also started looking at being a doula. I'm very nurturing and that really appeals to me. The issue with both of those things is the classes for them are very expensive and there is no financial aid, so I don't know how likely that is. Also I'd have to be able to attend so many births for both and in this area that might be an issue. But it does interest me. I just think it's such a beautiful thing and I'd love to be able to help women as they are going through that process.
So that's what I'm thinking about right now as far as careers(although lets be real with me that could change in 30 minutes lol). But now I want to talk about other dreams and hopes and wants I have.
One of the biggest dreams I have is to travel. I'm not talking once a year, get a hotel or rent cabin or house or something for a week travel. I'm talking buy an RV and spend a year or two just exploring this country and the countries around it. I want to see places and experience different states. I want to see places like Yellowstone, Yosemite, Mt. St. Helens(and Mt. Rainer), the Grand Canyon, the ocean, Maine in the Fall, South Dakota, places in Canada. I also would love to travel in other countries. I'd love to see Japan and enjoy their culture(although I hate fish and most of things they eat...so that might be a problem lol) and see Mt. Fuji and the cherry blossoms blooms. I want to see China and the great wall. I want to see Egypt and the Pyramids. You get the picture lol. Something about being a nomad and just doing me for awhile really really appeals to me.
I also dream of one day writing a book. I love to write(hence why I have a couple blogs and so many other journals lol). I'd love to be able to have a book published. This kind of goes back to careers but I've also thrown around the idea of writing for newspapers or some other kind of journalism(only print though). I never really thought that would appeal to me but now at almost 30 it does.
My biggest dream though is to be a mother. As long as I can remember I've wanted children. I know your thinking hold on Melinda, don't you want to get married first and the answer is if the right person comes along, sure. But I would be completely okay with being a single mother if that doesn't happen. To be really honest, there is a big part of me right now that isn't sure I ever want to do the relationship thing again lol. I know that sounds nutty and I'm sure as time goes on, that'll change. But right now it's just not on my radar. I'm not looking for anyone and it's going to be a very very long time before I'm ready for that. But I'm going to be 30 in 6 weeks. At one point, I wanted to be done having kids by 30 or at least 35 lol(yeah I know that's insane now but I was like 14 at the time, give me a break :) ). But more than that I have reason to believe me having a baby myself is not going to be easy and it's only going to get harder the older I get...and that scares me. I want to foster and adopt one day. I've always wanted to do that as well. But I can't lie I want to experience being pregnant and doing all of that at least once. So yes if I could get settled and working and doing well financially and the right person hasn't come along, I would be willing and happy to look into doing IUI or if IVF to have a baby on my own. But unfortunately that's way way way in the future lol.
That's the best part of opening a new chapter I think, everything is wide open. I feel really free. I feel like the world is mine to explore. I feel like it's time to do me and find me and get me together. I'm excited and hopeful. We'll see how long it takes for the world and reality to beat that out of me LOL.
Anyway on to what I was going to write about. I've been thinking a lot the last few days about what I want this new chapter to look like and about my dreams, hopes, wants, and all of that. So I thought I'd discuss some of that on here.
I feel like the first thing I need to do is figure out exactly what I want to do with my life and how I'm going to make that happen. When I first went to college my major was education. I was thinking I wanted to be a Kindergarten teacher. But as time went on I just wasn't sure. I took an unplanned unwanted break from school and during that time I decided to change my major to Psychology for some weird reason lol. So the Associates degree I'm just a few hours shy of completing is in Psychology. But I have zero desire to do that. I thought until maybe 6 or 8 months ago I had no desire to go back to teaching either. But about 6 or 8 months ago someone mentioned getting my education degree and doing something in the arts. The arts were always my thing(and I mean that I enjoyed them, not that I was necessarily that good at them lol). In elementary school, I was always excited to perform in the plays(even though I despised my music teacher lol) and I did tons of musicals at church. The last 3 years I had major parts in the musicals at church. I really loved it. When I was in 5th grade you got to choose between continuing in music or switching to band(they don't do that in 5th grade here any more and I really think kids are missing out because of that but that's another story for another day lol). I switched to band and again really loved it. When I was in 6th grade you not only got to choose between band and choir but also theatre arts and art. I chose theatre. I knew nothing about it but quickly fell in love and I took it from then until I left public school half way through my junior year. So I've thought about finishing my teaching degree and being an elementary music teacher. I've also kind of thrown around the idea of going a step further and teaching theatre at the middle school level. However I'm not sure if I have enough experience to do that. But I've certainly thought about it and still am. All I know is music and threatre(and a theatre teacher and a couple of band directors) very much helped shape who I am today and I'd love to be able to give that experience to a child. My middle school years were very hard for me and band and theatre and the bonds I made in those classes, were the things that got me through and kept me sane. I have a huge heart for kids who are bullied and I'd love to be able to give them an outlet like I had. I guess the main reason I stray away from this dream is because I worry I wouldn't be a good teacher because of my personality(introverted shy soft spoken), especially in a subject like music or theatre where you normally only see outgoing bubbly teachers(and especially at a higher level then elementary school). But it's certainly something that I have thought about a lot and keeps coming back to me. So we'll see what happens.
However I also have another area that I've very interested in and that's pregnancy, labor, and post postpartum care. I've had a dream for a long time about being a midwife. Recently though I also started looking at being a doula. I'm very nurturing and that really appeals to me. The issue with both of those things is the classes for them are very expensive and there is no financial aid, so I don't know how likely that is. Also I'd have to be able to attend so many births for both and in this area that might be an issue. But it does interest me. I just think it's such a beautiful thing and I'd love to be able to help women as they are going through that process.
So that's what I'm thinking about right now as far as careers(although lets be real with me that could change in 30 minutes lol). But now I want to talk about other dreams and hopes and wants I have.
One of the biggest dreams I have is to travel. I'm not talking once a year, get a hotel or rent cabin or house or something for a week travel. I'm talking buy an RV and spend a year or two just exploring this country and the countries around it. I want to see places and experience different states. I want to see places like Yellowstone, Yosemite, Mt. St. Helens(and Mt. Rainer), the Grand Canyon, the ocean, Maine in the Fall, South Dakota, places in Canada. I also would love to travel in other countries. I'd love to see Japan and enjoy their culture(although I hate fish and most of things they eat...so that might be a problem lol) and see Mt. Fuji and the cherry blossoms blooms. I want to see China and the great wall. I want to see Egypt and the Pyramids. You get the picture lol. Something about being a nomad and just doing me for awhile really really appeals to me.
I also dream of one day writing a book. I love to write(hence why I have a couple blogs and so many other journals lol). I'd love to be able to have a book published. This kind of goes back to careers but I've also thrown around the idea of writing for newspapers or some other kind of journalism(only print though). I never really thought that would appeal to me but now at almost 30 it does.
My biggest dream though is to be a mother. As long as I can remember I've wanted children. I know your thinking hold on Melinda, don't you want to get married first and the answer is if the right person comes along, sure. But I would be completely okay with being a single mother if that doesn't happen. To be really honest, there is a big part of me right now that isn't sure I ever want to do the relationship thing again lol. I know that sounds nutty and I'm sure as time goes on, that'll change. But right now it's just not on my radar. I'm not looking for anyone and it's going to be a very very long time before I'm ready for that. But I'm going to be 30 in 6 weeks. At one point, I wanted to be done having kids by 30 or at least 35 lol(yeah I know that's insane now but I was like 14 at the time, give me a break :) ). But more than that I have reason to believe me having a baby myself is not going to be easy and it's only going to get harder the older I get...and that scares me. I want to foster and adopt one day. I've always wanted to do that as well. But I can't lie I want to experience being pregnant and doing all of that at least once. So yes if I could get settled and working and doing well financially and the right person hasn't come along, I would be willing and happy to look into doing IUI or if IVF to have a baby on my own. But unfortunately that's way way way in the future lol.
That's the best part of opening a new chapter I think, everything is wide open. I feel really free. I feel like the world is mine to explore. I feel like it's time to do me and find me and get me together. I'm excited and hopeful. We'll see how long it takes for the world and reality to beat that out of me LOL.
Tuesday, August 15, 2017
New chapters
I've always felt like someone in the universe likes to mess things up every year right before my birthday and this year seems to be following the trend. I look at the calendar an it says we are 6.5 weeks from my 30th birthday and 4 days ago my relationship of 15 years ended on top of the mountain of other crap I've been dealing with for what seems like forever now. I've spent more time in the last 2 years looking up at the sky saying "You have got to be fricking kidding right now!" than I ever have in my life lol. It's just been unreal the amount of crap that has gone wrong and the number of tears I've cried. There shouldn't be any tears left in my body.
I'm not going to discuss the break up that much. I'm just going to say it was a mutual decision and ended on good terms. I'm just going to discuss my feelings and speak for what I've been thinking and feeling the last 4 days.
I'd be lying if I said it didn't send me on even more rough roller coaster ride than I was already on. My upcoming birthday was already weighing on me and I'd been struggling to not be completely dreading it. I look around and see people way younger than me who have it all together and here I am at 30 still drowning in life and trying to figure out where I'm going and what I want. When I thought about 30 as a kid, it seemed like a really big age and deal. I still feel that way a little bit I think lol. I keep trying to remind myself it's just another age but I don't think my heart believes me :) .
As far as the breakup, I expected to feel sad and I expected to feel many other emotions and I have. I can't even say everything I've felt has been bad. But what has taken me by surprise was this sense of failure. I mean we started dating a couple of months before I turned 15 and we made it this long. It's kind of amazing in that sense. It sucks to pour yourself into something for that long and it not work out. It probably doesn't help that I am both stubborn and a hopeless romantic lol. I probably fought for this relationship longer than most people would've. I tend to do that with all my relationships(romantic or not). I might also be a bit of a perfectionist(and everyone who knows me well is laughing right now because they know that might be the understatement of the century). It just feels like one more thing in my life that failed. One more thing that I failed at...it's just not a nice feeling.
But I also can't lie and say there isn't some excitement ,for lack of a better word, to turn this page and start a new chapter. I feel like I've changed and grown an incredible amount in the last 5 years or so. I feel like I've been more true to my true self than ever before. I've always been the kind that would follow along for awhile but eventually get tired of it and just do what feels best to me. The last five years have been a time of me finally being open and honest about how I truly feel about things. I feel like it's cost me a lot in terms of people. But I've gained so much more than I've lost. But I feel like there are parts of me that I've still been hiding. There are parts of me I've yet to discover and I'm ready to really spend some time on me. I've never been a single women. I grew up intertwined with someone else. I feel like in some ways it limited my ability to see me and to understand me and to know me. I'm ready to spend some serious time finding out who I am and exactly what I want and getting a plan to get there and most importantly putting that plan into motion. So hopefully by 40 I'll have this life thing and this adult thing figured out...but I'm not holding my breath LOL.
I will say that although my inner circle is small, I am incredibly blessed! I know I have all the love and support anyone could ask for while getting through this stage in life.
I love music and it's always a great comfort to me so I thought I'd share a few of the songs I've been listening to a lot.
I'm including the song by P!nk because I love the song and so excited she coming out with new music!
I guess I'll write more about my experience with new chapters as time goes on but that's all I can think of right now lol.
I'm not going to discuss the break up that much. I'm just going to say it was a mutual decision and ended on good terms. I'm just going to discuss my feelings and speak for what I've been thinking and feeling the last 4 days.
I'd be lying if I said it didn't send me on even more rough roller coaster ride than I was already on. My upcoming birthday was already weighing on me and I'd been struggling to not be completely dreading it. I look around and see people way younger than me who have it all together and here I am at 30 still drowning in life and trying to figure out where I'm going and what I want. When I thought about 30 as a kid, it seemed like a really big age and deal. I still feel that way a little bit I think lol. I keep trying to remind myself it's just another age but I don't think my heart believes me :) .
As far as the breakup, I expected to feel sad and I expected to feel many other emotions and I have. I can't even say everything I've felt has been bad. But what has taken me by surprise was this sense of failure. I mean we started dating a couple of months before I turned 15 and we made it this long. It's kind of amazing in that sense. It sucks to pour yourself into something for that long and it not work out. It probably doesn't help that I am both stubborn and a hopeless romantic lol. I probably fought for this relationship longer than most people would've. I tend to do that with all my relationships(romantic or not). I might also be a bit of a perfectionist(and everyone who knows me well is laughing right now because they know that might be the understatement of the century). It just feels like one more thing in my life that failed. One more thing that I failed at...it's just not a nice feeling.
But I also can't lie and say there isn't some excitement ,for lack of a better word, to turn this page and start a new chapter. I feel like I've changed and grown an incredible amount in the last 5 years or so. I feel like I've been more true to my true self than ever before. I've always been the kind that would follow along for awhile but eventually get tired of it and just do what feels best to me. The last five years have been a time of me finally being open and honest about how I truly feel about things. I feel like it's cost me a lot in terms of people. But I've gained so much more than I've lost. But I feel like there are parts of me that I've still been hiding. There are parts of me I've yet to discover and I'm ready to really spend some time on me. I've never been a single women. I grew up intertwined with someone else. I feel like in some ways it limited my ability to see me and to understand me and to know me. I'm ready to spend some serious time finding out who I am and exactly what I want and getting a plan to get there and most importantly putting that plan into motion. So hopefully by 40 I'll have this life thing and this adult thing figured out...but I'm not holding my breath LOL.
I will say that although my inner circle is small, I am incredibly blessed! I know I have all the love and support anyone could ask for while getting through this stage in life.
I love music and it's always a great comfort to me so I thought I'd share a few of the songs I've been listening to a lot.
I guess I'll write more about my experience with new chapters as time goes on but that's all I can think of right now lol.
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