Social Anxiety

I said at the the beginning of the year I was going to start blogging more and then life went to hell and that just wasn't a priority. But I think I'm ready to get going again. I'm working on a blog about Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life. I'm not sure when it will be ready or if I'm going to do one or two posts. But it's coming lol.

This blog is about something different though. This blog is about social anxiety. I started another blog about this and thought about finishing that one but after going back and reading it, it felt like it didn't tell the whole story. So I'm starting over.

I've always been shy or the quiet one. But I don't remember having social anxiety until the 4th grade.  Maybe I did and I blocked it out or just simply don't remember but when I think about my childhood I don't remember being terrified of social settings until I was in the 4th grade. So what happened in the 4th grade you might ask...my teacher.  She was terrible. She humiliated me in front of the class and in front of other teachers multiple times. That's just the tip of the iceberg on what she did to me.  I don't think I really understood how bad she screwed me up until many years later.  But that's not to say it was the only thing that played into it. But I think that's where the seed of "I can't trust anybody" was planted.  Not to mention the seeds of "I'm stupid", "I'm not worth anything", and "Everyone is going to hurt me".  Those are wounds that don't heal. Especially when someone or more than  one someone comes along and makes it worse and that's exactly what happened.

I had a great best friend who understood the things that happened and without trying always knew what to do or say to help me. But things happen when teenagers are involved and at the beginning of our 8th grade year our friendship disolved. I'm not going to say anything more about that other than to say that loss sent me spiraling. I suddenly didn't fit in anywhere. I tried to hang with another group but it just wasn't a great fit. Eventually I gave up and being alone made me a great target for bullying. Suddenly I was being told on daily basis that I was ugly, stupid, a freak, that I'd never have any friends. At 14 you believe those things. By the end of my 8th grade year I had added depression, severe depression to my anxieties(I've had general anxiety as long as I can remember but that's a post for another day). It was a horrible time in my life. It cemented in my mind that all people were a threat to me and increased my social anxiety 10 fold. That was 15 years ago(hard to believe) and I'm still fighting that war.

So how does it affect me is probably the next question. The answer is in many ways and in pretty much everything.  I don't like to answer the door or the phone. I don't like ordering food at restaurants. I'll literally sit there practicing what I'm going to order in my head over and over. I rarely order anything new because I'm afraid I'll mess up and say the wrong thing or pronounce something wrong. I prefer to go a self check out and always get nervous if the machine messes up or I need to show my ID for something. What if I say something stupid or she thinks my ID is fake because I don't look 29. I hate going to the fitting room once but going more than once is torture for me. I have very few friends. People just don't enjoy spending time with someone who is hard to get to know and has so many quirks. Being in a crowd I always feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me. Any time I hear people whispering I think it's about me. It takes me probably 3x as long as anybody else to send someone a text or an email or a message on Facebook (if i even send it at all)because I read it and reread it and change things and then freak out about how the person I'm sending it to will take it. I feel like a constant annoyance to the people I try to talk to. That's the hardest part. There are just a couple people I feel safe talking to and I don't feel 100% safe talking to them or even 50%. I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing or I'll annoy them or scare them off. Or I don't really have anything to talk about, I just want to talk to them about anything but then I think they won't want to talk to me if I have nothing to talk about and I'll annoy them.  It sucks. I want to start conversations with certain people. I'm dying to talk to them and I can't. I just can't. Then they don't and I think oh no what did I do wrong and then I really can't. I'm longing for those deep connections again but I can't. It's bad enough to turn into a blushing , stuttering, frustrated mess in front of a waitress it's a whole other level in pure awful to have someone you really adore and care about and not have the courage to talk to them or not be able to enjoy it because you're analyzing every word you're saying or typing. It's torture and the absolute worst part is 98% of it is in your head and nobody else knows the war raging in your head.  So they don't know you need help or what help you need and you can't even tell them. It's like this non stop cycle. It makes you dizzy and exhausted and you keep ending up in the same place...ALONE, SAD, and SCARED.

Wow I did not mean for that be so long or dramatic or detailed but once it started coming out it just wouldn't stop (that is another thing I do that is annoying, once I start talking to someone I word vomit on them and scare them away) I hope this helps those of you who don't deal with social anxiety understand it a little better and helps people who do deal with know they aren't alone. I know the social anxiety tells you, you are alone, you are worthless, you are annoying, you are broken, you are not worth anyone's time, and so many other things because it tells me the same things all the time but it's wrong. We've just gotta keep fighting! We are worth it, we aren’t annoying, we aren't alone, we are not worthless. Maybe we are broken but deep down inside I believe everyone is a little broken. 

10 Things I Want You to Know About Me as an Introvert and a Person

I spent a good amount of time as a child trying to understand why I was different than the people around me. I picked a group of friends with big bubbly personalities who thrived in social settings and I didn't do it just once. I'd guess probably 95% of the people I've had or have as friends were/are extroverts. I wanted to be that way myself.  But I wasn't. I tried to fake it(if you can find my long lost MySpace page, it'll tell you I'm outgoing....Yeah right lol) but I was very bad at it! I was probably an adult before I heard the word introvert. When I read the description, it was like a light came on in my head! All I could think was this is me! It's taken lots of time for me to accept that I'm never going to be the bubbly outgoing one. I'm never going to be the life of the party. I'm never going to be the one who can talk to anybody. But I'm learning to embrace the things I am and forget the things I'm not(it's a work in progress). Here are somethings I want you to know and things that will make things easier on me and the people I interact with.

10. I'm not dumb or stupid. Don't take my silence or awkwardness as a lack of intelligence. I know that sounds like an obvious statement but I have been treated many times in the past like a moron because I'm quiet and shy. I don't like it and I don't know anybody who would. Treating me that way will instantly cause me to shut down and you probably will never hear a meaningful word from me again.

9. I might have a hard exterior but I'm a pile of goo when you get past that.  I'm a very sensitive person. You don't need to use words to cut me deep. I spend lots of time watching people and analyzing them and because of that actions can cause as much or more damage to me as words. I watch how you treat other people. I watch how you talk to other people. When you choose treat me differently I'm going to notice. On the flip side I also notice when someone goes out of their way to check on me, include me, and show me love and respect.

8.  If you truly want to get to know me, don't try to do it in a group setting. A group setting is overwhelming, uncomfortable, and exhausting for me. You won't get the best part of me there. I actually like to talk to people and get to know them but I feel the most comfortable being able to do that one on one.  Most people are blown away and sometimes overwhelmed by how much I'll talk in a one on one setting with someone I trust :).

7. Along those same lines, I don't like small talk and I'm frankly not that good at it. That is probably when I'm at my most awkward! But I can talk all day about interests, feelings, hopes, and dreams. I love to listen to people talk about themselves and their problems or worries and their hopes and dreams. I don't want to hear about the weather or the football game, I want hear about you! I think some people approach me think I want to hear the opposite but that couldn't be further from the truth!

6. I like to write and its much easier for me than talking. I like to write letters to people(most of which have never been read lol) because it allows me to get my feelings out. So if you really truly want to get to know me and get past my wall, write me a letter, a Facebook message, or ask for my number and text me. Eventually I'll be able to vocally open to you but it takes time, so be patient with me!

5. Like many introverts, I need my creative activities and most times I need those to be solo activities. I love music. I love to sing. I love to play instruments. I love to just listen to music. I also love to do arts and crafts(can never have too much glitter :D). I've recently started coloring and it's heavenly! I spent 3+ hours totally lost in a coloring page the other day and it was beyond heavenly! It was the most recharged I'd felt in ages. I also love to read!

4. I don't like conflict. I don't like drama. So sometimes I take more crap than I should. But that doesn't mean I won't remember what you did or said to try cause drama and it doesn't mean I'll put myself in a position to deal with your drama again.

3. Once I let you in my wall, it takes a lot to get rid of me :). So you better make sure your good with that before getting to know me! You should feel lucky if I let you in my wall because it doesn't happen often!

2. I don't like to approach people with my problems or even just to say I miss you and I miss talking to you. I constantly worry I'll be a bother to someone if I do, so it's easier to just not reach out.  So if I tell you I'm fine and you know I'm not, keep pushing and let me know you want to talk and I'm not a not a bother. I might put on a tough act and say I don't need anyone but I do! I'm still human and I still crave that human interaction. I still find myself  in need of a shoulder to cry on.

1. Along those same lines, just because I love my alone time and need it, I still get lonely! I see a lot of talk about people who are introverts not getting lonely but I'm not that way. I feel a constant struggle between wanting to stay in my box and wanting to reach out to people. It gets frustrating and lonely sometimes.

The main thing I feel people need to know about me is while being an introvert certainly has its down side, I'm happy with who I am. If I suddenly switched personalities and became that outgoing, bubbly, extroverted person I wanted to be when I was younger I wouldn't be me! There is nothing wrong with being an extrovert either. As I already mentioned, I'm drawn to them. They make up a big portion of my circle. It takes all kinds to make the world go round :).

But I am very much a work in progress. I've been really struggling lately because I want to reach out to someone and I don't know how or what to say. I want to just be able to say "I miss you and I miss talking to you, let's talk" but every time I try something stops me. It's aggravating but I know everyone has their flaws and things they have to work on, this is mine.

I hope in the future that in general people are more accepting of introverted people. I hope introverted kids especially are better accepted and given the chance to just be. Because I know from experience being pushed to be something you aren't is awful. I would tell kids who are going through that to ignore those people and embrace who they are, because there is nothing wrong with who they are!