It goes on

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life:It goes on."

I adore that quote! I've long dreamed of having it tattooed somewhere but who knows if that will ever happen. The funny thing about the fact that I adore that quote, is it is completely opposite of how I handle things :).

Moving on has never been my strongest  skill. I am especially that way with people. I don't let a lot of people in. I don't allow myself to get attached to many people. But when I do, I cling to them and our relationship like a sticker to a piece of construction paper. Separating the two is almost impossible and when you finally do it, neither one is ever the same.

In some ways, it's good. Nobody could ever say I'm not loyal lol. I'm so loyal, I'd probably drive you nuts. I'm willing to fight for relationships. I pour all I have into people I love. But on the other hand it's bad. Often times I find myself in a position where I'm giving, and giving, and giving some more and I never get anything in return. I can do that at first and I can continue doing it for awhile. But eventually I'm going to run out of stuff to give. All too often I don't realize someone is draining me until I'm empty.  In other words, I let myself get walked all over. I think some of it has to do with the fact that I have a hard time believing anybody would want to be friends with me, just for me. Some of it is just the simple fact that I adore seeing the people I love happy and I'll do anything to make that happen. Another bad thing about how attached I get is that when a relationship is over, I really really struggle to let go.

I look back at my life and I see many friendships I should've walked away from long before I did. I see people who had let me go and instead of accepting it, I dug my nails in and refused to let go of them. That leaves my heart bruised and battered. But I don't seem to know how to handle things in any other manner.

Every time it happens I promise myself I'm not going to let it happen again. But I do. I'm doing it right now and I know I am. But I can't convince my heart to let this person go. I know I have to. I know they've let me go and they've made their choice. But I adore this person and the thought of not having them in my life breaks my heart. I think the worst part is I don't understand why they've let me go and walked away.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess just putting it out there and kind of venting about it. We as humans long for closure in situations. We seem to forget that our lives aren't movies. We aren't guaranteed closure. Sometimes good things end and you've just got to accept that and move on. I need to be better with this. Hopefully one day I'll be able to do that.

8 years ago

 
I think everyone has those moments in life where you know your life will never be the same. Your life will always be divided into two parts, before that moment and after that moment. I have a few of those moments. 8 years ago today marks one of the biggest of those moments in my life. I walked into an oral surgeons office with rotten infected disgusting teeth and I walked out with dentures...at 21 years old.

To fully understand how I ended up there we have to go back to when I was a kid. I was cursed with a small mouth and big teeth(thanks Dad!). I had a severe over bite(so severe I couldn't close my mouth), a narrow palate, and a mouth full of very crooked teeth. I had never had a single cavity though. My dentist appointments had always been good. I was sent to the orthodontist when I was about 10 and after taking tons of pictures of my mouth we were told I would need a palate spreader, a herbst appliance to bring my bottom jaw forward to fix my bite, and braces. I was excited. I'd never had a smile I liked. This was supposed to be my chance at a beautiful smile. My mouth was filled with metal during the Summer before I turned 11. It was uncomfortable. I was limited in what I could eat. There was a key that my mom had to put in my palate spreader to expand it every couple of days and the first couple of times hurt like h***. Things got stuck under my palate spreader. One time a piece of skin from sausage got stuck and left me with a piece of sausage blocking my airway. It was terrifying.  The arms on my herbst appliance rubbed the inside of cheeks. Adjustments on the braces always left my mouth sore. But it was worth it to have the smile I always wanted and the changes happened quickly . But something else happened quickly...cavities. Less than 6 months after my orthodontic work started I had my first cavity and they just kept coming and so the wheels were set in motion.

My braces were finally removed when I was 14 and my dreams of beautiful smile were once again gone. My teeth were in bad shape already. I had dental insurance but no more than they paid it was like not having it and my parents couldn't afford to pay upfront to have my teeth fixed and most dentists wouldn't take payments and so my teeth only got worse. I saw one dentist for awhile who was supposedly fixing the damage but he seemed to be making things worse. One of the last times I saw him he told my mom "If she develops any signs of infection in those teeth I worked on let me know and I'll call something in" and wouldn't you know it less than 24 hours later I was in agony.

I was a quiet kid. I was bullied and made fun of a lot as is. But you add rotten teeth to the mix and it just makes it worse. I didn't smile and I talked as little as I could get by with. But still kids will be kids. "What's wrong with your teeth?" "Don't you brush your teeth?" "Don't you see the dentist?" "Don't your teeth hurt?" For a young girl who is already at an age where self confidence and self esteem is hard to come by, adding rotten teeth is just horrible.

I left public school to homeschool halfway through my junior year for other reasons. But escaping the constant discussion about my teeth was great. But my teeth continued to rot. Eventually one of my front teeth completely broke off. I remember the day it happened so well. My boyfriend was over and we were hanging out in my room eating something and it just cracked and broke right off.  I cried then but I cried even harder later. I didn't want to go out. I didn't want to smile.

Finally someone offered to pay to have my teeth fixed. I saw the dentist and he told me what I already knew, they couldn't be saved and I'd need dentures. I had to have impressions made(which was probably the worst part of the whole thing but that is a story for another day). I had to pick a color for my teeth. I had to meet with an oral surgeon. The date was set for February 17th, 2009. I had to be there at 1 o'clock PM. I was going to have all my teeth pulled and  6 wisdom teeth cut out.

The night before I was terrified! How bad would it hurt afterwards? What if I didn't like my dentures? What if my dentures didn't fit? Was this the wrong decision? What if I didn't wake up from the anesthesia? I didn't sleep at all.

The day of I was even more terrified. I remember sitting in the waiting room hearing my own heart thud in my ears. They took me back and my mom went with me. They had me take an antibiotic and a couple of Advil. They put in an IV and hooked me up to heart and oxygen monitors. They gave me a little laughing gas and then put me out. I woke up in the middle in awful pain but the oral surgeon was great and kept me calm until the extra dose of medicine they gave me kicked in. I don't remember much afterwards because of the extra medicine. I slept the rest of the day, only waking up to change my ice pack and to drink and take medicine. But it wasn't as bad as I imagined it to be.

I knew physically it would be hard and painful but I didn't anticipate how emotional I would be. Unless you've been through having your teeth pulled you can't understand the emotional side of it. It's a huge change. It changes your entire face. You have to relearn how to eat, talk to a certain extent, and smile again. The talking was easy for me but the eating seemed to take forever. I hadn't been able to bite with my front teeth in years and I had done all my chewing on the right side because I had very few molars on the left side. I didn't think I was ever going to figure it out. Smiling I feel like is still a challenge for me. For so long, I smiled only with my mouth closed. It's still hard for me to let go of that and see the beauty of my smile.  Even if you know having your teeth pulled and getting dentures is the best decision, it's still wildly emotional. I think being young only made that worse.

But after the first little bit the emotions improved. For the first time in several years I wasn't in pain or worrying about infection. For the first time ever I had a smile I loved. It was one of the most amazing experiences of life! 8 years later I can honestly say my only regret is I didn't do it sooner. If I hadn't had it done I feel pretty sure I'd be dead by now from infection. I read stories about people dying from dental infections and it just breaks my heart. I would love one day to start a charity that pays for people to have their teeth fixed or pulled or whatever needs to be done because no one should have to walk around with rotten teeth and live in constant fear of dental infections.

If you are young(or even older) and facing dentures,  I just want you to know you aren't alone. It's easy to feel like a failure when your teeth are bad. I still sometimes have pangs of  regret and questions. I felt like for a long time I didn't deserve a beautiful smile. I mean evidently I didn't care for my teeth the way I should have. But that's not always the case. I worked hard to save my teeth but unfortunately it was all in vain. Having your teeth pulled and getting used to dentures isn't fun. Sometimes it downright painful! But it'll all be worth it and one day you'll be looking back and wondering how so many years went by so fast! It gets easier! Keep your head up, everything will be okay.