Trying to find a way to move on

I've been considering writing this for awhile. I've been going back and forth. Someone I look up to and respect alot told me that I have a right to my opinion and I have the right to put it out there. I have listened/read people opinions on this situation and I've set back and said nothing. But I think the only way I can really forgive and move on is to get my thoughts and opinions out there. I'm going to try to word this in away that won't offend anyone but I make no promises.

Let me start off by saying grandpa's funeral was a beautiful celebration of his life. The preacher did a wonderful job and his wife did the music and did a beautiful job. The funeral home and the people who worked there were wonderful as well. The food provided by my grandparents church was great and I was amazed how much there was and that they fed us twice! To all of these people I just want to say thank you!!

Now on to the main point of this blog. Most families come together and lean on each other when their is a death. My family again proved they are not most families. This drama has been going on for a long time. I think people have a hard time understanding that sometimes things aren't how they appear. They judge people based on their own experience without even knowing what the other person has dealt with. They've never walked in the other persons shoes and experienced what they have. They also fail to understand that just because a person treats them in a positive way doesn't mean they treat everybody like that. There was a couple of people who acted very poorly at the funeral and really the whole time we were there. One of them I can't say that it bothers me. I saw her true side long ago and accepted it a long time ago. But the other person really hurt me. I wish I could say I hate this person or wish something bad on this person but I can't and I won't. Obviously since her actions hurt me so bad, I love her. I love this person alot and I did respect her alot. I can't say she has never hurt my feelings before or that I always agreed with her but I love her. Words can hurt very badly but I think sometimes action can hurt worse. In this case, she didn't say much but her actions hurt. She ignored me and my family. She seemed to not even notice we existed. 2 different times as my sister and I embraced other loved ones and cried I looked up to see her standing across the room glaring at us. One of those times she was obviously talking about us to someone(happened to be right after the funeral). The English language doesn't contain the words to describe how bad that hurt me, how much it still hurts me. I guess I'm just a very sympathetic and sensitive person but when I see someone hurting it hurts me. Even if that person is someone I've had a problem with, I still hurt for them and I would never show such disrespect and coldness towards them. That just isn't me. I've been told so many times I have a big heart. I don't know if it's true or not but let me tell you even as you did that to me my heart broke for her. As much as I wanted to be as hard and cold as she was to me, it just isn't in me to be like that. I wanted to run to her and hug her. I know she was hurting and I hurt for her. I know how much she loved my grandpa and how much she loves my grandma. I've never for a minute doubted that. I also know she spent and continues to spend much of her daily life the last 6+ years taking care of them and I know it wasn't always easy. I'll always love this person. I believe once you love someone you always love them, if you don't you never really loved them. So I will always love her. But will I ever respect her the way I did before? I don't know. Will I ever look at her the same way I did? I don't think so. I think the image I have of this woman is forever changed. Will I ever trust or desire a relationship with her again? I don't know. At this point my answer is no. It's going to take me sometime and I will never forget the way she acted towards me and other family members. I don't know if I will ever have any desire to have a relationship or even be around her again. I think sometimes we forget that once we say or do something it's done. The way I look at it she made the decision to start this but it's up to me to decide when I am willing to try to talk to her again. To this person I just want to say I've decided to forgive you. However I'm not forgiving you, for you. I'm forgiving you for me, so I can let go and move on. I'm just simply not going to let your actions bother me anymore, I'm not giving you that kind of power over me anymore. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting and let me tell you I won't forget. I understand you were hurt by the things said. I understand you were hurting over grandpa's passing. But neither is a good excuse or reason to act the way you did. I always thought so much of you and loved you so much. Maybe I should have told you that more and for that I am sorry. I always thought you loved me as well but I feel now that I was wrong. You never loved me at did you? I thought I knew you but I realized very quickly in that funeral home the night of the visitation, I don't know you at all. As I already said I would never wish anything bad on you. So I wish you all the best. I hope some day you find forgiveness in your heart and you let God make that ice cold heart of yours warm again. Because the person you have let all this anger and hurt turn you into is a very ugly person and I wouldn't wish that on anybody.

To the people who have reached out to me and my family during this hard time I just want to say thank you! I was really shown through all of this how much certain people in my life truly love and care about me. My family and I are very blessed!

That is all I have for now!

Not a fan of 2012 so far!

Well my 2012 is off to a crappiest of starts. My 2011 ended pretty darn crappy so I guess it stands to reason that 2012 would start off that way. Since September I’ve lost 3 people close to me. It started with a man that has become like grandfather to me. Ricky and I sat with him and his wife in church every week. Both them are very sweet people. He lost his almost yearlong battle with pancreatic cancer. I can’t sit in that pew and not think about him. It always feels like something is missing and it’s made going to church harder. I just want to get up and move. While we were still getting over that Ricky’s grandpa fell and broke his leg and arm. At first I’m thinking he’ll have a surgery spend a few days or maybe a week in the hospital and then go home. I never could have imagined he would never see his home again or that I would never see him again. It became clear pretty quickly that there was more to it than just a broken arm and leg. It turned out he had cancer in his bones. It was all over his body and I don’t know if they even really know where it started from. A little less than 2 months later and he was gone. My grandpa had been bad for a while. Heck they said like 3 Christmas’s ago that he wouldn’t live a year. But he did. But things had gotten bad over the last couple of months and he ended up in a retirement home. He seemed to be doing well and then today we find out he passed away. I’m tired. I’m tired in every way a person can be tired. I’m normally a very emotional person but for some reason I have cried very few tears through this. Part of me is afraid once the tears start they won’t stop. There is so much anger and sadness in my heart right now but on the other hand I just feel numb. I think the hard part is I don’t feel like I have anybody to talk to. I feel so…alone. I feel lonely. I’m going through a really rough stretch and I feel like I am doing it totally alone. I’ve always been a religious person. I always believed in God and that he had a plan. That is what I have been telling myself lately. God has a plan! But the truth is my faith is being tested right now. Some days I truly wonder if there really is God. I do believe there is a God but I just feel like he’s turned his back on me. I feel like my prayers aren’t getting any higher than the ceiling. For the first time in my life I feel truly alone and it is driving me nuts! I feel weak and like I can’t get through this next week.

                I’ll never understand why everything has to happen at once. But it seems that is how life works. Sometimes you feel like you get one thing off your plate and something else is plopped up there. There is never any break or even any time to catch your breath. You just got to keep on keeping on.  I just wish I could stop life for a while. I need a vacation. I need a few moments away from the real world to just clear my head and relax. I haven’t felt relaxed in so long I don’t know if I know if it I felt it!

                If there is one thing I have learned in my 24 years of life it’s this, tell the people you love that you love them! Life is so short! Don’t leave the people you love guessing on how you felt about them after you gone, leave no doubts. I hope the people I love know that I love them. I hope I don’t just tell them that I love them but that I show them that I love them all the time. I hope there is never any doubt in their minds that I love them and care about them! I hope their no doubt that they have changed my life and made my world a better place. Here’s to hoping I get through this next week and that the rest of 2012 is much better than the end of 2011 and the beginning of 2012!

“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, but learning to dance in the rain!”