At least trying! "Failure is simply an opportunity to begin again" I saw that on my Facebook page earlier and I find it to be so true. I've been out of school nearly 3 semesters now, so a year and half. I guess that wasn't really a failure per say but it felt like one for me at the time. It took me a long time to get the courage to go to college. I worked hard and really loved it! Sure it wasn't always rainbows, it was hard! But I was doing something with my life, I was making something of myself. I was really angry when they told me after 2 years that I couldn't come back because of something as stupid as not having a graduation date on my transcript! I still think it was stupid and I always will. But having this year and half to reevaluate my life and where I'm going has been invaluable. I am NOT the same person I was a year and half ago. I don't think there is a year and half in my life that I have changed more.
I think I have a much better understanding of who I am than I ever have before. Some of things I already knew, I just didn't want to deal with it and some things I didn't know. But that isn't something I'm discussing right now lol. Over the last year or so it's started to occur to me that I don't really have that much desire to be a teacher. I chose education I think because it seemed easy and fairly quick. I don't feel like I really thought it out that well. I don't think I really understood what I was getting myself into. I've been trying to figure out what I wanted to do. I thought about being a writer and at some point I'd still LOVE to do that. I've thought about several things but psychology/psychiatry kept coming back to me. The more I've looked into it the more I like the idea of it. I can do several things with a degree in psychology. I like the idea of working with trouble youth or working with children in some way. It's going to be hard I know that. It's going to take a long time and I am getting a late start. But I believe I can do it! For the first time I am excited at the thought of something. I'm excited for the future. I'me excited to see where life will take me!
I wonder where I would be if I hadn't been made to stop going to college. I would have been almost done with my degree, a degree I didn't really want. I was so mad when this happened and could see nothing good coming from it. But I found myself last night thanking God for this chance to have some time to think about what I really wanted and a chance to hit rewind and start over. Not many people get that chance and I am so thankful to get that chance! It's funny how things that feel like the worst thing ever, often turn out to be the start of something so much better!
I took my GED test 3 weeks ago tomorrow, hoping to get the results tomorrow and hoping I passed! The plan is to go back to Clarendon College and finish my associates degree and then transfer to the undergraduate psychology program at West Texas A&M! Let's home things go as planned this time LOL! I'm ready to move on with my life. I'm ready to move out on my own, start a career, and find a new beginning! I think that is long over due, mostly do to my own decisions! But it's time to step out of my own way and start a new chapter!
Monday, December 3, 2012
Thursday, October 25, 2012
When the bottom falls out....
I'll just go ahead and warn your it's been an awful week and this blog is going to full of emotion! I can't promise that it'll be nice. I can't promise you'll like what you read. If you don't hit the X at the top right of the screen, it won't bother me.
Well I said it's been a hard week but really this started 2 weeks ago tomorrow. My sister went to the ER thinking she had a kidney infection. They did a urinalysis and blood work and both came back fine. They tested her HCG levels and they came back fine. They decided to an U/S and found only a sac. No baby and no heartbeat. Nothing. They told her she was probably just not as far along as she thought she was. They also found a blood cloth in the placenta and put her on bed rest for that. I think I knew then something wasn't right but I couldn't let go of hope. She went the next Tuesday and had another U/S done and they saw the same thing. They told her to come back in a week and they'd do another U/S. We all hoped and prayed that they'd find a baby and everything would be fine. Tuesday she went back and not only did they not find a baby or heartbeat but the sac had basically stopped growing. AKA the pregnancy is not viable. Only thing left to do is either let nature take it's course or for her to have a D&C.
You know I thought I understood heartbreak. I thought I'd had my heartbroken before. The truth is I don't think my heart has ever hurt this bad. I've gone to church all my life. I always believed God was there. I always believed that he loved us. I always believed I could lean on and trust in him. But for the first time in my life I'm not even sure I believe that any more. My faith was slumping before this for alot reasons. Church has become something I get through anymore rather than something I enjoy. This has been the hardest 18 months of my life. It has been one heartbreak after another. I've lost 6 people in 18 months including my niece or nephew and we found out also this week that my grandma has terminal cancer and they've given her 6 months to live. I thought this baby was finally the light at the end of this gut wrenching long dark tunnel. I thought finally we were going to get some happiness and joy in our lives! What can bring more joy than a tiny sweet soft pink baby to cuddle and love? I look around and all these women get pregnant, have normal healthy pregnancies, and babies and live happily ever after. So why couldn't it be that way for us? Why couldn't just this one thing go completely as planned? Why couldn't for once something good happen for my family? What on earth did we do to deserve this? I dreamed about that baby. I dreamed about holding, cuddling, and loving that baby! I always dreamed it was a boy. We all felt pretty strongly it was a boy. We were all so excited about that baby! That baby would have been so so so loved!! WHY??? Why if God loves us and cares for us would he let this happen? Why would he let us all get so attached this baby and then snatch him/her away? I'm so angry! Words fail to describe how angry I am with God right now! I try to pray and there is nothing but anger! I even find myself telling him how much I hate him and I feel no remorse for it! Right now in this moment I hate him and I hate his stupid plan! His stupid plan must be to make me miserable and heartbroken! I don't even know if I believe he is really there. Maybe he is just something someone millions of years ago dreamed up to comfort themselves and it's just been passed on. Maybe we all are here by chance with no reason or purpose. At this point I really don't know. What I do know is my family is once again heartbroken! What I do know is my sister is experiencing something that I would never want anyone to ever go through and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it! So where are you God? Because I sure don't feel you here!
I don't even know how I am going to get through this! I think I've officially hit rock bottom. If gets lower than this I don't know even know how I'll be able to function or if I'll want to! The truth is I'm tired. I'm physically, emotionally, psychologically, and in every other way possible tired. I don't know how much more I can handle before I crack and just completely lose it. I feel like I'm on the edge right now and one wrong move and I'm going to go crashing down! This used to be my favorite time of year but the last 2 years it seemed to be God's perfect time to throw my life into turmoil! I just need some peace and quiet for awhile. I need life to slow down. I need to get my feet back under me because right I feel like I'm slipping and sliding!
I don't know what else to say! Please hug the people you love and tell them you love them! We don't know what tomorrow is going to bring!
RIP our sweet little angel baby! I will never ever forget you or stop loving you!
Well I said it's been a hard week but really this started 2 weeks ago tomorrow. My sister went to the ER thinking she had a kidney infection. They did a urinalysis and blood work and both came back fine. They tested her HCG levels and they came back fine. They decided to an U/S and found only a sac. No baby and no heartbeat. Nothing. They told her she was probably just not as far along as she thought she was. They also found a blood cloth in the placenta and put her on bed rest for that. I think I knew then something wasn't right but I couldn't let go of hope. She went the next Tuesday and had another U/S done and they saw the same thing. They told her to come back in a week and they'd do another U/S. We all hoped and prayed that they'd find a baby and everything would be fine. Tuesday she went back and not only did they not find a baby or heartbeat but the sac had basically stopped growing. AKA the pregnancy is not viable. Only thing left to do is either let nature take it's course or for her to have a D&C.
You know I thought I understood heartbreak. I thought I'd had my heartbroken before. The truth is I don't think my heart has ever hurt this bad. I've gone to church all my life. I always believed God was there. I always believed that he loved us. I always believed I could lean on and trust in him. But for the first time in my life I'm not even sure I believe that any more. My faith was slumping before this for alot reasons. Church has become something I get through anymore rather than something I enjoy. This has been the hardest 18 months of my life. It has been one heartbreak after another. I've lost 6 people in 18 months including my niece or nephew and we found out also this week that my grandma has terminal cancer and they've given her 6 months to live. I thought this baby was finally the light at the end of this gut wrenching long dark tunnel. I thought finally we were going to get some happiness and joy in our lives! What can bring more joy than a tiny sweet soft pink baby to cuddle and love? I look around and all these women get pregnant, have normal healthy pregnancies, and babies and live happily ever after. So why couldn't it be that way for us? Why couldn't just this one thing go completely as planned? Why couldn't for once something good happen for my family? What on earth did we do to deserve this? I dreamed about that baby. I dreamed about holding, cuddling, and loving that baby! I always dreamed it was a boy. We all felt pretty strongly it was a boy. We were all so excited about that baby! That baby would have been so so so loved!! WHY??? Why if God loves us and cares for us would he let this happen? Why would he let us all get so attached this baby and then snatch him/her away? I'm so angry! Words fail to describe how angry I am with God right now! I try to pray and there is nothing but anger! I even find myself telling him how much I hate him and I feel no remorse for it! Right now in this moment I hate him and I hate his stupid plan! His stupid plan must be to make me miserable and heartbroken! I don't even know if I believe he is really there. Maybe he is just something someone millions of years ago dreamed up to comfort themselves and it's just been passed on. Maybe we all are here by chance with no reason or purpose. At this point I really don't know. What I do know is my family is once again heartbroken! What I do know is my sister is experiencing something that I would never want anyone to ever go through and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it! So where are you God? Because I sure don't feel you here!
I don't even know how I am going to get through this! I think I've officially hit rock bottom. If gets lower than this I don't know even know how I'll be able to function or if I'll want to! The truth is I'm tired. I'm physically, emotionally, psychologically, and in every other way possible tired. I don't know how much more I can handle before I crack and just completely lose it. I feel like I'm on the edge right now and one wrong move and I'm going to go crashing down! This used to be my favorite time of year but the last 2 years it seemed to be God's perfect time to throw my life into turmoil! I just need some peace and quiet for awhile. I need life to slow down. I need to get my feet back under me because right I feel like I'm slipping and sliding!
I don't know what else to say! Please hug the people you love and tell them you love them! We don't know what tomorrow is going to bring!
RIP our sweet little angel baby! I will never ever forget you or stop loving you!
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Volcanoes 3(I'm finally back!)
Well I'm finally back to do more volcanoes!! I've been busy and just haven't taken the time to blog like I should! Things are pretty crazy around here right now! My 25th birthday is Monday(October 1st)! Honestly it's kind of a bitter sweet thing for me. Brithdays are always great and it's always great to celebrate another year of life. But this is not at all where I thought I'd be by 25! 25 was always a big birthday in my mind. It's like the cross over from a young adult to just an adult in my mind. I don't know why it's that way in my mind but it is! I feel like I've wasted too much time on things and people who didn't deserve my time. I feel like I've resisted change way too much. I feel like I've spent way way too much time hiding so many pieces of who I am. So my goal is to make my 26th year and all the years I have afterwards different than the previous 25! This year is going to hold many changes for me. I am going through a real huge growth period right now and really starting to not just understand and come to terms with but accept somethings! I need to find a way to look in the mirror and see something that makes me proud. I don't really see that right now. I'm obessed with the song Reflection by Christina Aguliera right now because of that. That is the message in that song to me. Another change is... I'm going to be an Aunt!! This was unexpected and the circumstances could be better. BUT this baby is a BLESSING! I can't wait to meet this baby and spoil him/her rotten! I can't wait to be the aunt I in all honesty never felt I had! Anyway on to the main point of this post, more volcanoes!!
6. Anakrakatoa("child of Krakatoa")
This volcano is a little bit complicated. We've all heard of Krakatoa. But in case you haven't I'll give you a bit of history before talking about Anakrakatoa. Krakatoa was located in Indonesia between the islands of Java and Sumatra. It was actually an entire island. In 1883, Krakatoa erupted with one of the biggest volcanic events in history. It destroyed 3/4 of the island and caused huge tsunamis. It was rated on the VEI scale(a scale used to gage volcanic eruptions) as a 6. The eruption was equivalent to 200 megatons of TNT! The sound of the massive eruption is considered to be the loudest sound ever heard! It was heard 3,000 miles away! 165 villages where completely destroyed and 132 were damaged. In total, 36,417 people died as result of the eruption and the tsunami's it triggered. Volcanoes are going through a constant cycle. They grow and grow and grow and then erupt and destroy themselves and then they rebuild(Mt. St. Helens which I will discuss in another blog is a great example of this in our modern era). Krakatoa destroyed it's self in that eruption but it wasn't through. A new volcano island is there now, Anakrakatoa! This volcano is growing very quickly and is very very active. It is growing 16ft per year! I like this volcano because of it's history and because it's still making history! Just in the last month there was a good sized event(largest eruption there in 10 years) where a large river of lava was sent running down the mountain and smoke and ash filled the sky! Here is a video of the lava a few days later and there are many more videos on YouTube of eruptions of this volcano if you want to check them out!
5. Vesuvius
Mt. Vesuvius is located in Gulf of Naples in Italy. It's the only active volcano on the mainland of Europe( Etna(which I will talk about in another blog) and Stromboli are located on islands). Vesuvius is another one most people have heard of because it is talked about alot in history classes in school! This volcano is known for one very historic eruption that occurred in 79 AD. But it erupted many times before and erupted many times since. The last eruption of Vesuvius was in 1944(2nd picture above is from that eruption) but because of the millions of people who live very close to this volcano it is considered one of the most dangerous volcanoes in the world! The height of the volcano has changed many times in it's life time but currently it stands at 4,203 ft and has a very deep caldera due to collapses during several different eruptions! It's not as beautiful as other volcanoes but in my opinion the large caldera makes it interesting to look at!
As I previously stated the most well know eruption of this volcano occurred in 79 AD. Most of what is known about the eruption it's self was learned from the writings of one of the few people who survived. His name was Pliney the Younger. He was a Roman administrator and a poet(among other things). He wrote 2 letters 25 years after the eruption describing the eruption in great detail. He wrote the letter to tell someone about the death of his uncle, Pliney the Elder, who had raised him and was killed in the eruption. The eruption lasted 2 days. It started off with a huge column of ash and smoke shot very high into the air and was followed by very large, extremely hot pyroclastic flows. The pyroclastic flows covered the cities of Pompeii and Herculaneum killing an estimated 16,000 people. This eruption is well known because scientist discovered the ash made casts of thousands of people in the final minutes of their lives! I believe this stuck with people because it kind of put faces and stories with numbers. You here about 16,000 people dieing but our brains just can't comprehend that kind of suffering. These people suffered and died a brutal death. But we've learned so much from being able to study catastrophic eruptions like this one and Krakatoa! Those people did not die in vain! We have better technology and are better prepared to deal with eruptions. We better understand volcanoes and can better predict when they will erupt. That little bit of knowledge saves lives! That is what I love about this volcano. It shows the toll large eruptions have on the human populations who live around these volcanoes and reminds us we can't stop studying these beautiful monsters! They hold so many clues to how our great planet works and to human life in general!
I hope you guys enjoyed this blog! Planning on jumping into 2 more volcanoes tomorrow! This has reignited my love for them!
6. Anakrakatoa("child of Krakatoa")
5. Vesuvius
As I previously stated the most well know eruption of this volcano occurred in 79 AD. Most of what is known about the eruption it's self was learned from the writings of one of the few people who survived. His name was Pliney the Younger. He was a Roman administrator and a poet(among other things). He wrote 2 letters 25 years after the eruption describing the eruption in great detail. He wrote the letter to tell someone about the death of his uncle, Pliney the Elder, who had raised him and was killed in the eruption. The eruption lasted 2 days. It started off with a huge column of ash and smoke shot very high into the air and was followed by very large, extremely hot pyroclastic flows. The pyroclastic flows covered the cities of Pompeii and Herculaneum killing an estimated 16,000 people. This eruption is well known because scientist discovered the ash made casts of thousands of people in the final minutes of their lives! I believe this stuck with people because it kind of put faces and stories with numbers. You here about 16,000 people dieing but our brains just can't comprehend that kind of suffering. These people suffered and died a brutal death. But we've learned so much from being able to study catastrophic eruptions like this one and Krakatoa! Those people did not die in vain! We have better technology and are better prepared to deal with eruptions. We better understand volcanoes and can better predict when they will erupt. That little bit of knowledge saves lives! That is what I love about this volcano. It shows the toll large eruptions have on the human populations who live around these volcanoes and reminds us we can't stop studying these beautiful monsters! They hold so many clues to how our great planet works and to human life in general!
I hope you guys enjoyed this blog! Planning on jumping into 2 more volcanoes tomorrow! This has reignited my love for them!
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
It's been awhile
It's been a long time since I've written in this blog! I got into my softball blog and all of that and this one kind of got pushed aside. No volcanoes for you today but I promise I will get back to that! There are just some things on my mind that I'd like to talk about. If you haven't figured it out from my other blogs I have ADD haha, no seriously I'm 95% sure I do! I get distracted very easily and rarely finish anything lol! I know sometimes my blogs get a little wordy and don't say a whole lot. I'm sorry I'm working on that lol! I know I chase rabbits but hey I always find my way back to the point! So please excuse my inability to stay on task, I'll try my best to stay on subject!
So I guess I'll start off with what's going in my life.... not a whole lot lol! If only I were joking! I lead probably the most boring life of any human being on the face of the planet. I have no friends so I never go out. I spend my days sleeping late and finding things to keep me busy. I miss having friends. I try to tell myself friends are overrated and that I don't need them but my heart keeps saying I do. My heart keeps telling me there is something missing. I long for someone to just sit and talk to. Someone who I have common interest with and someone I can tell my secrets to. Someone I can go out and grab a cup of coffee with or spend the day shopping or going to a movie together. I miss having someone I can trust, who loves me, and who gets me. I've never been the outgoing social butterfly. The truth is I've been hurt alot and I've put a wall. I feel like I push people away without knowing it. I don't trust people. I had a best friend once and we had a bond that ran so deep. She knew all my secrets up to that point and I knew she' d never tell. I knew her secrets as well and I keep them deep in my heart. I can remember saying BFF and truly believing it. But you see what 10 year old girls don't understand or can't anticipate is life. Life gets complicated when you leave the safe spot of elementary school and enter the rough halls of Middle School. For me Middle School was hell. I'm sorry I don't know how else to put it. I was bullied endlessly from the moment I walked in the doors. I was small. Not even 5ft and 65lbs! But bigger than that I was viewed as weak and I was. I didn't know or understand how weak until I entered hell...I mean Pampa Middle School. They ate me alive. My best friend always stuck up for me. I had a small group of girls that I was close with. Honestly would have never guessed 12 years down the road I wouldn't even know where that woman I once called my best friend is or what she is doing. Middle school was rough on our little group. The bullying was taking it's toll on me and turned me from a sweet normal 12 year old to a tense, scared, emotional wreck. My friends struggled with dealing with me and I with them. They no longer understood everything about me. 7th grade I met someone who could relate to what I was going through as he was bullied as much as I was! I pushed everyone else away. We were pals for the year but at the end of school year that fell apart too. I spent my summer alone. My best friend reached back out to me at the end of summer and we apologized. But nothing was ever really the same. We had changed and things between us eventually fell apart. I hoped we'd fix things but I knew down deep in my heart that it was over. I knew we had taken something pure and beautiful and destroyed it and there was no going back. I fell in with another group and really wanted to be apart of the group. But I was an outsider looking in. Eventually one of them told a boy that I liked him(a boy I didn't even like) and set off a rash of teasing and bullying and it was at the moment as I watched those people standing in front of me calling me names and saying horrible things that I realized I was truly alone. By the end of my 8th grade year I felt there was nothing left of me. They had taken everything, I was only a shell. I had nothing more to give. I felt hopeless. I don't think there is a single point in my life that I have been more close to suicide than I was then. The reason I bring that up is those 3 years of my life changed me forever. They shaped how I still deal with people. I put up a wall then and it's never really come down because I don't want to bond with someone, love someone, tell someone my secrets, and then in a blink of an eye lose that person again. It was too hard the first time, I don't know if I could do it a second time. So here I sit alone where I've been the last 10 years. So what I am doing with my life right now I am trying to find me and find where I belong in this world. I hope part of that discovery is some friends! One thing I've realized is that if I want to start opening myself up more and finding more friends one thing I'm going to have to do is be honest about how I feel about things and not hide my own thoughts. When you hide your own thoughts and just say and do what others do, you are losing you. I shouldn't have to change who I am or my thoughts or beliefs to make someone like me and I won't. There are things that I've always believed and felt certain way about but never really put my opinions out there about.
One of the things I've always kind of kept quiet about is homosexuality and gay marriage. Let me first start off by saying I was raised in the bible belt in Texas where it just doesn't get much more conservative. I was raised by parents who took me to church ever Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night(not saying that was a bad thing). I knew from a very young age, even before I really understood what homosexuality was that my parents viewed it(and still do) as a sin and that it was wrong. To me in my heart I never felt that way. I know I know the bible says... the bible also says we should kill our disobedient children, stone women who cheat on their husbands, and many other things that we completely ignore and wouldn't consider doing. So who gets to decide what part we push and what part we ignore? I think if God really hated homosexuality so much there wouldn't be so many happy gay couples! No seriously there are a few of the softball girls I follow who are openly gay and several more who are what I'll call "semi open". What I mean by that is they haven't out in out came out publicly(and if they don't feel a need to they shouldn't have to, it's nobodies business) but they post pictures of themselves and their partner and you can just tell by the way they talk that they are together. But when I look at those pictures they have huge smiles on their faces, their eyes are all lit up, and they just simply look different than they do in other pictures with other people. You can tell they are in love! I just can't imagine walking up to one of them and telling them hey you can't love her, it's all in your head! You are supposed to love men, so go find a man! I can't imagine trying to tell them they don't love and adore that person in the same way heterosexual couples do because I can(and I think anybody with a brain and heart) see that they adore each other! It's amazing what love can do to people. I didn't realize until tonight that the person this girl has been tweeting about missing and loving so much was a woman. I honestly thought it was a guy and looking back I have no idea why. She was pretty clear in her tweets that it wasn't. She posted a couple of pictures of them together and I was just blown away by how different she looked in those pictures. I've seen many pictures of this person but she looked totally different in these. Her eyes sparkled and everything about her just glowed! Her eyes were full and the best way I know to explain it was she was complete. She found her other half. The love was just radiating off them and I just don't understand how you can't look at those pictures and not go "awww"! People are attracted and love who they are attracted to and love. I believe God is the maker of love and he wouldn't allow these people to radiate so much love for each other if he really was so completely against it. If I am wrong and have to answer for that one day, well so be it but that is how I feel. So I say why not let them get married? Honestly how does gay marriage effect you if you aren't gay? I never understood that. I like the saying "If you are against gay marriage, don't have one!" Nobody is going to force you to enter into a gay marriage. But I say if two people love and respect each other and want to make that commitment to each other they should be able too! If they want to be able to put their partner on their life insurance and health insurance that they pay for, how does that effect you exactly? If they want the person they love the most in the world to be able to have a say in their medical care if God forbid something happens to them, what do you care? So say what you want but I am standing up against hate and close mindedness and saying that it's neither my job nor yours to tell someone the love and respect they have more another person is wrong!
I also don't understand the whole Muslim hate that has taken over our country. That isn't something my parents have ever pushed. I know what a group of men did on September 11th. I watched it like everyone else and yes they were Muslim. Yes they did what they did in the name of Islam. But most Muslims aren't like that. They are honest, hardworking people who want nothing more than to take care of their families. Yes the Koran does mention killing people but have you picked up a Bible? More people have been killed in the name Christianity than any other religion. During Reformation Christians killed Jews, Muslims, and anyone else who got in the way. When they came to the America's to settle the land over here they killed off entire indian tribes(men, women, and children) because they wouldn't convert(don't believe me pick up a history book). There are bad people in all religions. The man who carried out that brutal shooting in Sweden at that youth camp did so in the name of Christianity. Not all Muslims want to kill us and they aren't taking over the country. People are so bad about looking at the actions of few people and judging a whole group of people based on that. Contrary to popular belief this country wasn't founded out Christianity. It was founded on freedom of religion. It was founded on the belief that every person has a right to believe what they feel is right and the government shouldn't be able to force a religion on you. Islam is just another one of those religions that people can chose to follow. So I say leave them alone and let them practice their religion. Stop the hate! Hate doesn't get us anywhere! God didn't call us to hate! He didn't call us to attack people who didn't believe the way we do. He didn't call us to destroy these peoples Mosque's! He called us to LOVE! So stop the hate and just love people!
Well this is already very long so I will close it now! I hope you learned a little something about me and I will be back with more volcanoes very soon!
So I guess I'll start off with what's going in my life.... not a whole lot lol! If only I were joking! I lead probably the most boring life of any human being on the face of the planet. I have no friends so I never go out. I spend my days sleeping late and finding things to keep me busy. I miss having friends. I try to tell myself friends are overrated and that I don't need them but my heart keeps saying I do. My heart keeps telling me there is something missing. I long for someone to just sit and talk to. Someone who I have common interest with and someone I can tell my secrets to. Someone I can go out and grab a cup of coffee with or spend the day shopping or going to a movie together. I miss having someone I can trust, who loves me, and who gets me. I've never been the outgoing social butterfly. The truth is I've been hurt alot and I've put a wall. I feel like I push people away without knowing it. I don't trust people. I had a best friend once and we had a bond that ran so deep. She knew all my secrets up to that point and I knew she' d never tell. I knew her secrets as well and I keep them deep in my heart. I can remember saying BFF and truly believing it. But you see what 10 year old girls don't understand or can't anticipate is life. Life gets complicated when you leave the safe spot of elementary school and enter the rough halls of Middle School. For me Middle School was hell. I'm sorry I don't know how else to put it. I was bullied endlessly from the moment I walked in the doors. I was small. Not even 5ft and 65lbs! But bigger than that I was viewed as weak and I was. I didn't know or understand how weak until I entered hell...I mean Pampa Middle School. They ate me alive. My best friend always stuck up for me. I had a small group of girls that I was close with. Honestly would have never guessed 12 years down the road I wouldn't even know where that woman I once called my best friend is or what she is doing. Middle school was rough on our little group. The bullying was taking it's toll on me and turned me from a sweet normal 12 year old to a tense, scared, emotional wreck. My friends struggled with dealing with me and I with them. They no longer understood everything about me. 7th grade I met someone who could relate to what I was going through as he was bullied as much as I was! I pushed everyone else away. We were pals for the year but at the end of school year that fell apart too. I spent my summer alone. My best friend reached back out to me at the end of summer and we apologized. But nothing was ever really the same. We had changed and things between us eventually fell apart. I hoped we'd fix things but I knew down deep in my heart that it was over. I knew we had taken something pure and beautiful and destroyed it and there was no going back. I fell in with another group and really wanted to be apart of the group. But I was an outsider looking in. Eventually one of them told a boy that I liked him(a boy I didn't even like) and set off a rash of teasing and bullying and it was at the moment as I watched those people standing in front of me calling me names and saying horrible things that I realized I was truly alone. By the end of my 8th grade year I felt there was nothing left of me. They had taken everything, I was only a shell. I had nothing more to give. I felt hopeless. I don't think there is a single point in my life that I have been more close to suicide than I was then. The reason I bring that up is those 3 years of my life changed me forever. They shaped how I still deal with people. I put up a wall then and it's never really come down because I don't want to bond with someone, love someone, tell someone my secrets, and then in a blink of an eye lose that person again. It was too hard the first time, I don't know if I could do it a second time. So here I sit alone where I've been the last 10 years. So what I am doing with my life right now I am trying to find me and find where I belong in this world. I hope part of that discovery is some friends! One thing I've realized is that if I want to start opening myself up more and finding more friends one thing I'm going to have to do is be honest about how I feel about things and not hide my own thoughts. When you hide your own thoughts and just say and do what others do, you are losing you. I shouldn't have to change who I am or my thoughts or beliefs to make someone like me and I won't. There are things that I've always believed and felt certain way about but never really put my opinions out there about.
One of the things I've always kind of kept quiet about is homosexuality and gay marriage. Let me first start off by saying I was raised in the bible belt in Texas where it just doesn't get much more conservative. I was raised by parents who took me to church ever Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night(not saying that was a bad thing). I knew from a very young age, even before I really understood what homosexuality was that my parents viewed it(and still do) as a sin and that it was wrong. To me in my heart I never felt that way. I know I know the bible says... the bible also says we should kill our disobedient children, stone women who cheat on their husbands, and many other things that we completely ignore and wouldn't consider doing. So who gets to decide what part we push and what part we ignore? I think if God really hated homosexuality so much there wouldn't be so many happy gay couples! No seriously there are a few of the softball girls I follow who are openly gay and several more who are what I'll call "semi open". What I mean by that is they haven't out in out came out publicly(and if they don't feel a need to they shouldn't have to, it's nobodies business) but they post pictures of themselves and their partner and you can just tell by the way they talk that they are together. But when I look at those pictures they have huge smiles on their faces, their eyes are all lit up, and they just simply look different than they do in other pictures with other people. You can tell they are in love! I just can't imagine walking up to one of them and telling them hey you can't love her, it's all in your head! You are supposed to love men, so go find a man! I can't imagine trying to tell them they don't love and adore that person in the same way heterosexual couples do because I can(and I think anybody with a brain and heart) see that they adore each other! It's amazing what love can do to people. I didn't realize until tonight that the person this girl has been tweeting about missing and loving so much was a woman. I honestly thought it was a guy and looking back I have no idea why. She was pretty clear in her tweets that it wasn't. She posted a couple of pictures of them together and I was just blown away by how different she looked in those pictures. I've seen many pictures of this person but she looked totally different in these. Her eyes sparkled and everything about her just glowed! Her eyes were full and the best way I know to explain it was she was complete. She found her other half. The love was just radiating off them and I just don't understand how you can't look at those pictures and not go "awww"! People are attracted and love who they are attracted to and love. I believe God is the maker of love and he wouldn't allow these people to radiate so much love for each other if he really was so completely against it. If I am wrong and have to answer for that one day, well so be it but that is how I feel. So I say why not let them get married? Honestly how does gay marriage effect you if you aren't gay? I never understood that. I like the saying "If you are against gay marriage, don't have one!" Nobody is going to force you to enter into a gay marriage. But I say if two people love and respect each other and want to make that commitment to each other they should be able too! If they want to be able to put their partner on their life insurance and health insurance that they pay for, how does that effect you exactly? If they want the person they love the most in the world to be able to have a say in their medical care if God forbid something happens to them, what do you care? So say what you want but I am standing up against hate and close mindedness and saying that it's neither my job nor yours to tell someone the love and respect they have more another person is wrong!
I also don't understand the whole Muslim hate that has taken over our country. That isn't something my parents have ever pushed. I know what a group of men did on September 11th. I watched it like everyone else and yes they were Muslim. Yes they did what they did in the name of Islam. But most Muslims aren't like that. They are honest, hardworking people who want nothing more than to take care of their families. Yes the Koran does mention killing people but have you picked up a Bible? More people have been killed in the name Christianity than any other religion. During Reformation Christians killed Jews, Muslims, and anyone else who got in the way. When they came to the America's to settle the land over here they killed off entire indian tribes(men, women, and children) because they wouldn't convert(don't believe me pick up a history book). There are bad people in all religions. The man who carried out that brutal shooting in Sweden at that youth camp did so in the name of Christianity. Not all Muslims want to kill us and they aren't taking over the country. People are so bad about looking at the actions of few people and judging a whole group of people based on that. Contrary to popular belief this country wasn't founded out Christianity. It was founded on freedom of religion. It was founded on the belief that every person has a right to believe what they feel is right and the government shouldn't be able to force a religion on you. Islam is just another one of those religions that people can chose to follow. So I say leave them alone and let them practice their religion. Stop the hate! Hate doesn't get us anywhere! God didn't call us to hate! He didn't call us to attack people who didn't believe the way we do. He didn't call us to destroy these peoples Mosque's! He called us to LOVE! So stop the hate and just love people!
Well this is already very long so I will close it now! I hope you learned a little something about me and I will be back with more volcanoes very soon!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Volcanoes 2!
Well I'm finally back to do more volcanoes! Been busy and just haven't kept up with this. Part of it, is I feel like the only one on earth with this interest but I know I'm not lol. Maybe I'll do 2 entries today! Anyway I'll get started on this one and see what happens!
8. Mt. Fuji
Mt. Fuji is located on the Honshu island in Japan. It is the tallest mountain in Japan and stands 12, 389ft! This is one of those volcanoes that alot of people know about. It's a very popular volcano and is seen in many pictures and paintings! Although it hasn't erupted since 1707-1708 it is still considered an active volcano!
I like this volcano because it's just beautiful! It is snow capped for most of the year! It like the other volcanoes I've talked about is a stratovolcano with steep sloping sides! I like this volcano because it's beauty attracts people and allows people to learn more about volcanoes!
#7 Mt. Pinatubo
Mt. Pinatubo is located on the island of Luzon in the Philippines. The volcano was once 5,725 feet tall before a huge eruption in 1991. This eruption was the 2nd biggest in the 20th century. It ejected 10,000,000,000 tonnes (1.1×1010 short tons) of magma and an enormous amount of other things. It ejected a a huge amount of aerosol into the atmosphere. The effects of that actually cooled the earth slightly! The eruption was so large that the volcano is now only 2,000 ft tall. It caused wide spread destruction! But the people around this volcano were very lucky. A large group of scientist(some of which also watched Mt. St. Helens when it was getting ready to erupt) were watching the volcano closely. They saw was about to happen and evacuated 10,000 of people and saving alot of lives. Sadly 847 people still lost their lives. Most of them died from roofs collapsing under the enormous weight of all the ash the volcano shot out. But many lost their lives because of damage to healthcare facilities. Overall the efforts of the scientist who predicted this eruption and their ability to make sure so many people were warned and safely evacuated was considered a great success for the vulconology world(who is not always taken seriously and was even less though during that time)!
I like this volcano for a few reasons. The volcano is gorgeous. The eruption opened up a large caldera on the volcano that filled with rain water to form a lake. The water is so gorgeously blue and in the middle is a lava dome that looks like an island! I also like Mt.Pinatubo because of it's connections to another one of my favorite volcanoes that I will talk about in another blog, Mt.St. Helens. The investigation and studying of the 1980 eruption at Mt. St. Helens was just wrapping up with Pinatubo began to awaken and show signs of eruptions. A group of the scientist that had spent time watching and studying Mt. St. Helens used the information they gathered there to predict the eruption of Pinatubo and because of that as already mentioned save so many lives. People still live along the flanks of the volcano like many other volcanoes because of it's rich fertile soil! Pinatubo has been quiet since 1992 but you never know when these volcanoes will wake up! It's the volcanoes like this one that only erupt every so often that are the most devastating have the larger eruptions! Here are some pictures of Pinatubo!
Pinatubo a few days before the major eruption.
Lake Pinatubo as it's called!
8. Mt. Fuji
Mt. Fuji is located on the Honshu island in Japan. It is the tallest mountain in Japan and stands 12, 389ft! This is one of those volcanoes that alot of people know about. It's a very popular volcano and is seen in many pictures and paintings! Although it hasn't erupted since 1707-1708 it is still considered an active volcano!
I like this volcano because it's just beautiful! It is snow capped for most of the year! It like the other volcanoes I've talked about is a stratovolcano with steep sloping sides! I like this volcano because it's beauty attracts people and allows people to learn more about volcanoes!
#7 Mt. Pinatubo
Mt. Pinatubo is located on the island of Luzon in the Philippines. The volcano was once 5,725 feet tall before a huge eruption in 1991. This eruption was the 2nd biggest in the 20th century. It ejected 10,000,000,000 tonnes (1.1×1010 short tons) of magma and an enormous amount of other things. It ejected a a huge amount of aerosol into the atmosphere. The effects of that actually cooled the earth slightly! The eruption was so large that the volcano is now only 2,000 ft tall. It caused wide spread destruction! But the people around this volcano were very lucky. A large group of scientist(some of which also watched Mt. St. Helens when it was getting ready to erupt) were watching the volcano closely. They saw was about to happen and evacuated 10,000 of people and saving alot of lives. Sadly 847 people still lost their lives. Most of them died from roofs collapsing under the enormous weight of all the ash the volcano shot out. But many lost their lives because of damage to healthcare facilities. Overall the efforts of the scientist who predicted this eruption and their ability to make sure so many people were warned and safely evacuated was considered a great success for the vulconology world(who is not always taken seriously and was even less though during that time)!
I like this volcano for a few reasons. The volcano is gorgeous. The eruption opened up a large caldera on the volcano that filled with rain water to form a lake. The water is so gorgeously blue and in the middle is a lava dome that looks like an island! I also like Mt.Pinatubo because of it's connections to another one of my favorite volcanoes that I will talk about in another blog, Mt.St. Helens. The investigation and studying of the 1980 eruption at Mt. St. Helens was just wrapping up with Pinatubo began to awaken and show signs of eruptions. A group of the scientist that had spent time watching and studying Mt. St. Helens used the information they gathered there to predict the eruption of Pinatubo and because of that as already mentioned save so many lives. People still live along the flanks of the volcano like many other volcanoes because of it's rich fertile soil! Pinatubo has been quiet since 1992 but you never know when these volcanoes will wake up! It's the volcanoes like this one that only erupt every so often that are the most devastating have the larger eruptions! Here are some pictures of Pinatubo!
I hope you enjoyed this blog! Still thinking strongly about posting a 2nd one tonight! If you have any question fell free to ask me. Hopefully I will have the answer for you or can find it for you!
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Volcanos!!
So I decided I would let you guys in on another love of mine! Most of you know my love for sports(softball, soccer, and football being the the favorites) but I have many other likes as well. So I'm going to do a series of blogs on one of my favorite topics, volcanos! I have a whole photo album of nothing but pictures I've collected online of volcanos! I'm not sure where my love for volcanos came from but it's been there as long as I can remember! They are so powerful and each one is so unique! They are always changing, growing, developing! It's just something is this great world of ours that never stops amazing me! They can be so destructive, yet they make land and their slopes contain some of the most fertile growing lands on earth! They are some of the only natural disasters that regrow and fix what they destroy! It may be a slow process but they do! I've decided to do a series of blogs about my 10 favorite volcanos! So I guess I'll jump into it!
#10: Mt. Mayon
Mt. Mayon is located in the Philippines in the province of Albay. Mayon is a classic stratovolcano. It has a perfect cone shape to it. It has very steep slopes! It is 8,077 feet high and is part of what scientist call the Pacific Ring of Fire! Mayon is a very active volcano! In fact, it's the most active volcano in the Philippines(and if you know anything about the Philippines you know they have alot of volcanos lol!)! It has erupted 48 times in the last 400 years! The last eruption was in December of 2010 but it had been erupting off and on and off from 2009 through all of 2010. It produces spectacular shows with lots of ash and lots of running lava!
I like this volcano because of it's shape. It reminds me of the classic volcano in all the cartoons I saw as kid! A beautiful cone shaped volcano reaching far into the sky! It is just so breath taking and I can't imagine what it would like to see in person! It's eruptions are just your classic eruption you see as a child. The firs time I saw a picture of it, I thought man all it needs is a few dinosuars and you've got your classic volcano lol! Here are a few pictures of Mt. Mayon. I obviously don't own any of them, I've just collected them on the internet but these are my favorites!
#9: Mt. Merapi
Mt. Merapi is a realtivly young stratovolcano(also know as a composit volcano) in Indonesia just 17 miles from the city of Yogyakarta. Stratovolcano's are volcanos that are made of many different layers of hardened lava and other things. Mt. Merapi is a very active volcano. So active in fact, that it has smoke coming out of it atleast 300 days a year. It is 5,600 feet tall and also part of the Pacific Ring of Fire.
The reason I like Mt. Merapi is not just because it's a beautiful volcano(it is very beautiful!) but because of the myths and legends around the volcano. Merapi means "Mountain of Fire". Mt. Merapi is a very important part of the life of the people who live around it. Thousands of people live on it's flanks and use it's fertile lands to grow things to sale and feed their families. They have many stories about it and bring it sacrafices to keep the moutains spirit happy! The people truly respect this volcano and it is very important to them! You can read more on the myths that surround the volcano on Wikipedia! Here are a few pictures of the volcano.
Well I guess I've bored you guys long enough for today lol! I'll be back very soon with 2 more volcanos for ya! If you have any questions I will do my best to answer them(although I don't really think anybody reads these lol!)!
#10: Mt. Mayon
Mt. Mayon is located in the Philippines in the province of Albay. Mayon is a classic stratovolcano. It has a perfect cone shape to it. It has very steep slopes! It is 8,077 feet high and is part of what scientist call the Pacific Ring of Fire! Mayon is a very active volcano! In fact, it's the most active volcano in the Philippines(and if you know anything about the Philippines you know they have alot of volcanos lol!)! It has erupted 48 times in the last 400 years! The last eruption was in December of 2010 but it had been erupting off and on and off from 2009 through all of 2010. It produces spectacular shows with lots of ash and lots of running lava!
I like this volcano because of it's shape. It reminds me of the classic volcano in all the cartoons I saw as kid! A beautiful cone shaped volcano reaching far into the sky! It is just so breath taking and I can't imagine what it would like to see in person! It's eruptions are just your classic eruption you see as a child. The firs time I saw a picture of it, I thought man all it needs is a few dinosuars and you've got your classic volcano lol! Here are a few pictures of Mt. Mayon. I obviously don't own any of them, I've just collected them on the internet but these are my favorites!
#9: Mt. Merapi
Mt. Merapi is a realtivly young stratovolcano(also know as a composit volcano) in Indonesia just 17 miles from the city of Yogyakarta. Stratovolcano's are volcanos that are made of many different layers of hardened lava and other things. Mt. Merapi is a very active volcano. So active in fact, that it has smoke coming out of it atleast 300 days a year. It is 5,600 feet tall and also part of the Pacific Ring of Fire.
The reason I like Mt. Merapi is not just because it's a beautiful volcano(it is very beautiful!) but because of the myths and legends around the volcano. Merapi means "Mountain of Fire". Mt. Merapi is a very important part of the life of the people who live around it. Thousands of people live on it's flanks and use it's fertile lands to grow things to sale and feed their families. They have many stories about it and bring it sacrafices to keep the moutains spirit happy! The people truly respect this volcano and it is very important to them! You can read more on the myths that surround the volcano on Wikipedia! Here are a few pictures of the volcano.
Well I guess I've bored you guys long enough for today lol! I'll be back very soon with 2 more volcanos for ya! If you have any questions I will do my best to answer them(although I don't really think anybody reads these lol!)!
Monday, January 16, 2012
Trying to find a way to move on
I've been considering writing this for awhile. I've been going back and forth. Someone I look up to and respect alot told me that I have a right to my opinion and I have the right to put it out there. I have listened/read people opinions on this situation and I've set back and said nothing. But I think the only way I can really forgive and move on is to get my thoughts and opinions out there. I'm going to try to word this in away that won't offend anyone but I make no promises.
Let me start off by saying grandpa's funeral was a beautiful celebration of his life. The preacher did a wonderful job and his wife did the music and did a beautiful job. The funeral home and the people who worked there were wonderful as well. The food provided by my grandparents church was great and I was amazed how much there was and that they fed us twice! To all of these people I just want to say thank you!!
Now on to the main point of this blog. Most families come together and lean on each other when their is a death. My family again proved they are not most families. This drama has been going on for a long time. I think people have a hard time understanding that sometimes things aren't how they appear. They judge people based on their own experience without even knowing what the other person has dealt with. They've never walked in the other persons shoes and experienced what they have. They also fail to understand that just because a person treats them in a positive way doesn't mean they treat everybody like that. There was a couple of people who acted very poorly at the funeral and really the whole time we were there. One of them I can't say that it bothers me. I saw her true side long ago and accepted it a long time ago. But the other person really hurt me. I wish I could say I hate this person or wish something bad on this person but I can't and I won't. Obviously since her actions hurt me so bad, I love her. I love this person alot and I did respect her alot. I can't say she has never hurt my feelings before or that I always agreed with her but I love her. Words can hurt very badly but I think sometimes action can hurt worse. In this case, she didn't say much but her actions hurt. She ignored me and my family. She seemed to not even notice we existed. 2 different times as my sister and I embraced other loved ones and cried I looked up to see her standing across the room glaring at us. One of those times she was obviously talking about us to someone(happened to be right after the funeral). The English language doesn't contain the words to describe how bad that hurt me, how much it still hurts me. I guess I'm just a very sympathetic and sensitive person but when I see someone hurting it hurts me. Even if that person is someone I've had a problem with, I still hurt for them and I would never show such disrespect and coldness towards them. That just isn't me. I've been told so many times I have a big heart. I don't know if it's true or not but let me tell you even as you did that to me my heart broke for her. As much as I wanted to be as hard and cold as she was to me, it just isn't in me to be like that. I wanted to run to her and hug her. I know she was hurting and I hurt for her. I know how much she loved my grandpa and how much she loves my grandma. I've never for a minute doubted that. I also know she spent and continues to spend much of her daily life the last 6+ years taking care of them and I know it wasn't always easy. I'll always love this person. I believe once you love someone you always love them, if you don't you never really loved them. So I will always love her. But will I ever respect her the way I did before? I don't know. Will I ever look at her the same way I did? I don't think so. I think the image I have of this woman is forever changed. Will I ever trust or desire a relationship with her again? I don't know. At this point my answer is no. It's going to take me sometime and I will never forget the way she acted towards me and other family members. I don't know if I will ever have any desire to have a relationship or even be around her again. I think sometimes we forget that once we say or do something it's done. The way I look at it she made the decision to start this but it's up to me to decide when I am willing to try to talk to her again. To this person I just want to say I've decided to forgive you. However I'm not forgiving you, for you. I'm forgiving you for me, so I can let go and move on. I'm just simply not going to let your actions bother me anymore, I'm not giving you that kind of power over me anymore. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting and let me tell you I won't forget. I understand you were hurt by the things said. I understand you were hurting over grandpa's passing. But neither is a good excuse or reason to act the way you did. I always thought so much of you and loved you so much. Maybe I should have told you that more and for that I am sorry. I always thought you loved me as well but I feel now that I was wrong. You never loved me at did you? I thought I knew you but I realized very quickly in that funeral home the night of the visitation, I don't know you at all. As I already said I would never wish anything bad on you. So I wish you all the best. I hope some day you find forgiveness in your heart and you let God make that ice cold heart of yours warm again. Because the person you have let all this anger and hurt turn you into is a very ugly person and I wouldn't wish that on anybody.
To the people who have reached out to me and my family during this hard time I just want to say thank you! I was really shown through all of this how much certain people in my life truly love and care about me. My family and I are very blessed!
That is all I have for now!
Let me start off by saying grandpa's funeral was a beautiful celebration of his life. The preacher did a wonderful job and his wife did the music and did a beautiful job. The funeral home and the people who worked there were wonderful as well. The food provided by my grandparents church was great and I was amazed how much there was and that they fed us twice! To all of these people I just want to say thank you!!
Now on to the main point of this blog. Most families come together and lean on each other when their is a death. My family again proved they are not most families. This drama has been going on for a long time. I think people have a hard time understanding that sometimes things aren't how they appear. They judge people based on their own experience without even knowing what the other person has dealt with. They've never walked in the other persons shoes and experienced what they have. They also fail to understand that just because a person treats them in a positive way doesn't mean they treat everybody like that. There was a couple of people who acted very poorly at the funeral and really the whole time we were there. One of them I can't say that it bothers me. I saw her true side long ago and accepted it a long time ago. But the other person really hurt me. I wish I could say I hate this person or wish something bad on this person but I can't and I won't. Obviously since her actions hurt me so bad, I love her. I love this person alot and I did respect her alot. I can't say she has never hurt my feelings before or that I always agreed with her but I love her. Words can hurt very badly but I think sometimes action can hurt worse. In this case, she didn't say much but her actions hurt. She ignored me and my family. She seemed to not even notice we existed. 2 different times as my sister and I embraced other loved ones and cried I looked up to see her standing across the room glaring at us. One of those times she was obviously talking about us to someone(happened to be right after the funeral). The English language doesn't contain the words to describe how bad that hurt me, how much it still hurts me. I guess I'm just a very sympathetic and sensitive person but when I see someone hurting it hurts me. Even if that person is someone I've had a problem with, I still hurt for them and I would never show such disrespect and coldness towards them. That just isn't me. I've been told so many times I have a big heart. I don't know if it's true or not but let me tell you even as you did that to me my heart broke for her. As much as I wanted to be as hard and cold as she was to me, it just isn't in me to be like that. I wanted to run to her and hug her. I know she was hurting and I hurt for her. I know how much she loved my grandpa and how much she loves my grandma. I've never for a minute doubted that. I also know she spent and continues to spend much of her daily life the last 6+ years taking care of them and I know it wasn't always easy. I'll always love this person. I believe once you love someone you always love them, if you don't you never really loved them. So I will always love her. But will I ever respect her the way I did before? I don't know. Will I ever look at her the same way I did? I don't think so. I think the image I have of this woman is forever changed. Will I ever trust or desire a relationship with her again? I don't know. At this point my answer is no. It's going to take me sometime and I will never forget the way she acted towards me and other family members. I don't know if I will ever have any desire to have a relationship or even be around her again. I think sometimes we forget that once we say or do something it's done. The way I look at it she made the decision to start this but it's up to me to decide when I am willing to try to talk to her again. To this person I just want to say I've decided to forgive you. However I'm not forgiving you, for you. I'm forgiving you for me, so I can let go and move on. I'm just simply not going to let your actions bother me anymore, I'm not giving you that kind of power over me anymore. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting and let me tell you I won't forget. I understand you were hurt by the things said. I understand you were hurting over grandpa's passing. But neither is a good excuse or reason to act the way you did. I always thought so much of you and loved you so much. Maybe I should have told you that more and for that I am sorry. I always thought you loved me as well but I feel now that I was wrong. You never loved me at did you? I thought I knew you but I realized very quickly in that funeral home the night of the visitation, I don't know you at all. As I already said I would never wish anything bad on you. So I wish you all the best. I hope some day you find forgiveness in your heart and you let God make that ice cold heart of yours warm again. Because the person you have let all this anger and hurt turn you into is a very ugly person and I wouldn't wish that on anybody.
To the people who have reached out to me and my family during this hard time I just want to say thank you! I was really shown through all of this how much certain people in my life truly love and care about me. My family and I are very blessed!
That is all I have for now!
Monday, January 2, 2012
Not a fan of 2012 so far!
Well my 2012 is off to a crappiest of starts. My 2011 ended pretty darn crappy so I guess it stands to reason that 2012 would start off that way. Since September I’ve lost 3 people close to me. It started with a man that has become like grandfather to me. Ricky and I sat with him and his wife in church every week. Both them are very sweet people. He lost his almost yearlong battle with pancreatic cancer. I can’t sit in that pew and not think about him. It always feels like something is missing and it’s made going to church harder. I just want to get up and move. While we were still getting over that Ricky’s grandpa fell and broke his leg and arm. At first I’m thinking he’ll have a surgery spend a few days or maybe a week in the hospital and then go home. I never could have imagined he would never see his home again or that I would never see him again. It became clear pretty quickly that there was more to it than just a broken arm and leg. It turned out he had cancer in his bones. It was all over his body and I don’t know if they even really know where it started from. A little less than 2 months later and he was gone. My grandpa had been bad for a while. Heck they said like 3 Christmas’s ago that he wouldn’t live a year. But he did. But things had gotten bad over the last couple of months and he ended up in a retirement home. He seemed to be doing well and then today we find out he passed away. I’m tired. I’m tired in every way a person can be tired. I’m normally a very emotional person but for some reason I have cried very few tears through this. Part of me is afraid once the tears start they won’t stop. There is so much anger and sadness in my heart right now but on the other hand I just feel numb. I think the hard part is I don’t feel like I have anybody to talk to. I feel so…alone. I feel lonely. I’m going through a really rough stretch and I feel like I am doing it totally alone. I’ve always been a religious person. I always believed in God and that he had a plan. That is what I have been telling myself lately. God has a plan! But the truth is my faith is being tested right now. Some days I truly wonder if there really is God. I do believe there is a God but I just feel like he’s turned his back on me. I feel like my prayers aren’t getting any higher than the ceiling. For the first time in my life I feel truly alone and it is driving me nuts! I feel weak and like I can’t get through this next week.
I’ll never understand why everything has to happen at once. But it seems that is how life works. Sometimes you feel like you get one thing off your plate and something else is plopped up there. There is never any break or even any time to catch your breath. You just got to keep on keeping on. I just wish I could stop life for a while. I need a vacation. I need a few moments away from the real world to just clear my head and relax. I haven’t felt relaxed in so long I don’t know if I know if it I felt it!
If there is one thing I have learned in my 24 years of life it’s this, tell the people you love that you love them! Life is so short! Don’t leave the people you love guessing on how you felt about them after you gone, leave no doubts. I hope the people I love know that I love them. I hope I don’t just tell them that I love them but that I show them that I love them all the time. I hope there is never any doubt in their minds that I love them and care about them! I hope their no doubt that they have changed my life and made my world a better place. Here’s to hoping I get through this next week and that the rest of 2012 is much better than the end of 2011 and the beginning of 2012!
“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, but learning to dance in the rain!”
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