I'll just go ahead and warn your it's been an awful week and this blog is going to full of emotion! I can't promise that it'll be nice. I can't promise you'll like what you read. If you don't hit the X at the top right of the screen, it won't bother me.
Well I said it's been a hard week but really this started 2 weeks ago tomorrow. My sister went to the ER thinking she had a kidney infection. They did a urinalysis and blood work and both came back fine. They tested her HCG levels and they came back fine. They decided to an U/S and found only a sac. No baby and no heartbeat. Nothing. They told her she was probably just not as far along as she thought she was. They also found a blood cloth in the placenta and put her on bed rest for that. I think I knew then something wasn't right but I couldn't let go of hope. She went the next Tuesday and had another U/S done and they saw the same thing. They told her to come back in a week and they'd do another U/S. We all hoped and prayed that they'd find a baby and everything would be fine. Tuesday she went back and not only did they not find a baby or heartbeat but the sac had basically stopped growing. AKA the pregnancy is not viable. Only thing left to do is either let nature take it's course or for her to have a D&C.
You know I thought I understood heartbreak. I thought I'd had my heartbroken before. The truth is I don't think my heart has ever hurt this bad. I've gone to church all my life. I always believed God was there. I always believed that he loved us. I always believed I could lean on and trust in him. But for the first time in my life I'm not even sure I believe that any more. My faith was slumping before this for alot reasons. Church has become something I get through anymore rather than something I enjoy. This has been the hardest 18 months of my life. It has been one heartbreak after another. I've lost 6 people in 18 months including my niece or nephew and we found out also this week that my grandma has terminal cancer and they've given her 6 months to live. I thought this baby was finally the light at the end of this gut wrenching long dark tunnel. I thought finally we were going to get some happiness and joy in our lives! What can bring more joy than a tiny sweet soft pink baby to cuddle and love? I look around and all these women get pregnant, have normal healthy pregnancies, and babies and live happily ever after. So why couldn't it be that way for us? Why couldn't just this one thing go completely as planned? Why couldn't for once something good happen for my family? What on earth did we do to deserve this? I dreamed about that baby. I dreamed about holding, cuddling, and loving that baby! I always dreamed it was a boy. We all felt pretty strongly it was a boy. We were all so excited about that baby! That baby would have been so so so loved!! WHY??? Why if God loves us and cares for us would he let this happen? Why would he let us all get so attached this baby and then snatch him/her away? I'm so angry! Words fail to describe how angry I am with God right now! I try to pray and there is nothing but anger! I even find myself telling him how much I hate him and I feel no remorse for it! Right now in this moment I hate him and I hate his stupid plan! His stupid plan must be to make me miserable and heartbroken! I don't even know if I believe he is really there. Maybe he is just something someone millions of years ago dreamed up to comfort themselves and it's just been passed on. Maybe we all are here by chance with no reason or purpose. At this point I really don't know. What I do know is my family is once again heartbroken! What I do know is my sister is experiencing something that I would never want anyone to ever go through and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it! So where are you God? Because I sure don't feel you here!
I don't even know how I am going to get through this! I think I've officially hit rock bottom. If gets lower than this I don't know even know how I'll be able to function or if I'll want to! The truth is I'm tired. I'm physically, emotionally, psychologically, and in every other way possible tired. I don't know how much more I can handle before I crack and just completely lose it. I feel like I'm on the edge right now and one wrong move and I'm going to go crashing down! This used to be my favorite time of year but the last 2 years it seemed to be God's perfect time to throw my life into turmoil! I just need some peace and quiet for awhile. I need life to slow down. I need to get my feet back under me because right I feel like I'm slipping and sliding!
I don't know what else to say! Please hug the people you love and tell them you love them! We don't know what tomorrow is going to bring!
RIP our sweet little angel baby! I will never ever forget you or stop loving you!
