It's been a long time since I've written in this blog! I got into my softball blog and all of that and this one kind of got pushed aside. No volcanoes for you today but I promise I will get back to that! There are just some things on my mind that I'd like to talk about. If you haven't figured it out from my other blogs I have ADD haha, no seriously I'm 95% sure I do! I get distracted very easily and rarely finish anything lol! I know sometimes my blogs get a little wordy and don't say a whole lot. I'm sorry I'm working on that lol! I know I chase rabbits but hey I always find my way back to the point! So please excuse my inability to stay on task, I'll try my best to stay on subject!
So I guess I'll start off with what's going in my life.... not a whole lot lol! If only I were joking! I lead probably the most boring life of any human being on the face of the planet. I have no friends so I never go out. I spend my days sleeping late and finding things to keep me busy. I miss having friends. I try to tell myself friends are overrated and that I don't need them but my heart keeps saying I do. My heart keeps telling me there is something missing. I long for someone to just sit and talk to. Someone who I have common interest with and someone I can tell my secrets to. Someone I can go out and grab a cup of coffee with or spend the day shopping or going to a movie together. I miss having someone I can trust, who loves me, and who gets me. I've never been the outgoing social butterfly. The truth is I've been hurt alot and I've put a wall. I feel like I push people away without knowing it. I don't trust people. I had a best friend once and we had a bond that ran so deep. She knew all my secrets up to that point and I knew she' d never tell. I knew her secrets as well and I keep them deep in my heart. I can remember saying BFF and truly believing it. But you see what 10 year old girls don't understand or can't anticipate is life. Life gets complicated when you leave the safe spot of elementary school and enter the rough halls of Middle School. For me Middle School was hell. I'm sorry I don't know how else to put it. I was bullied endlessly from the moment I walked in the doors. I was small. Not even 5ft and 65lbs! But bigger than that I was viewed as weak and I was. I didn't know or understand how weak until I entered hell...I mean Pampa Middle School. They ate me alive. My best friend always stuck up for me. I had a small group of girls that I was close with. Honestly would have never guessed 12 years down the road I wouldn't even know where that woman I once called my best friend is or what she is doing. Middle school was rough on our little group. The bullying was taking it's toll on me and turned me from a sweet normal 12 year old to a tense, scared, emotional wreck. My friends struggled with dealing with me and I with them. They no longer understood everything about me. 7th grade I met someone who could relate to what I was going through as he was bullied as much as I was! I pushed everyone else away. We were pals for the year but at the end of school year that fell apart too. I spent my summer alone. My best friend reached back out to me at the end of summer and we apologized. But nothing was ever really the same. We had changed and things between us eventually fell apart. I hoped we'd fix things but I knew down deep in my heart that it was over. I knew we had taken something pure and beautiful and destroyed it and there was no going back. I fell in with another group and really wanted to be apart of the group. But I was an outsider looking in. Eventually one of them told a boy that I liked him(a boy I didn't even like) and set off a rash of teasing and bullying and it was at the moment as I watched those people standing in front of me calling me names and saying horrible things that I realized I was truly alone. By the end of my 8th grade year I felt there was nothing left of me. They had taken everything, I was only a shell. I had nothing more to give. I felt hopeless. I don't think there is a single point in my life that I have been more close to suicide than I was then. The reason I bring that up is those 3 years of my life changed me forever. They shaped how I still deal with people. I put up a wall then and it's never really come down because I don't want to bond with someone, love someone, tell someone my secrets, and then in a blink of an eye lose that person again. It was too hard the first time, I don't know if I could do it a second time. So here I sit alone where I've been the last 10 years. So what I am doing with my life right now I am trying to find me and find where I belong in this world. I hope part of that discovery is some friends! One thing I've realized is that if I want to start opening myself up more and finding more friends one thing I'm going to have to do is be honest about how I feel about things and not hide my own thoughts. When you hide your own thoughts and just say and do what others do, you are losing you. I shouldn't have to change who I am or my thoughts or beliefs to make someone like me and I won't. There are things that I've always believed and felt certain way about but never really put my opinions out there about.
One of the things I've always kind of kept quiet about is homosexuality and gay marriage. Let me first start off by saying I was raised in the bible belt in Texas where it just doesn't get much more conservative. I was raised by parents who took me to church ever Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night(not saying that was a bad thing). I knew from a very young age, even before I really understood what homosexuality was that my parents viewed it(and still do) as a sin and that it was wrong. To me in my heart I never felt that way. I know I know the bible says... the bible also says we should kill our disobedient children, stone women who cheat on their husbands, and many other things that we completely ignore and wouldn't consider doing. So who gets to decide what part we push and what part we ignore? I think if God really hated homosexuality so much there wouldn't be so many happy gay couples! No seriously there are a few of the softball girls I follow who are openly gay and several more who are what I'll call "semi open". What I mean by that is they haven't out in out came out publicly(and if they don't feel a need to they shouldn't have to, it's nobodies business) but they post pictures of themselves and their partner and you can just tell by the way they talk that they are together. But when I look at those pictures they have huge smiles on their faces, their eyes are all lit up, and they just simply look different than they do in other pictures with other people. You can tell they are in love! I just can't imagine walking up to one of them and telling them hey you can't love her, it's all in your head! You are supposed to love men, so go find a man! I can't imagine trying to tell them they don't love and adore that person in the same way heterosexual couples do because I can(and I think anybody with a brain and heart) see that they adore each other! It's amazing what love can do to people. I didn't realize until tonight that the person this girl has been tweeting about missing and loving so much was a woman. I honestly thought it was a guy and looking back I have no idea why. She was pretty clear in her tweets that it wasn't. She posted a couple of pictures of them together and I was just blown away by how different she looked in those pictures. I've seen many pictures of this person but she looked totally different in these. Her eyes sparkled and everything about her just glowed! Her eyes were full and the best way I know to explain it was she was complete. She found her other half. The love was just radiating off them and I just don't understand how you can't look at those pictures and not go "awww"! People are attracted and love who they are attracted to and love. I believe God is the maker of love and he wouldn't allow these people to radiate so much love for each other if he really was so completely against it. If I am wrong and have to answer for that one day, well so be it but that is how I feel. So I say why not let them get married? Honestly how does gay marriage effect you if you aren't gay? I never understood that. I like the saying "If you are against gay marriage, don't have one!" Nobody is going to force you to enter into a gay marriage. But I say if two people love and respect each other and want to make that commitment to each other they should be able too! If they want to be able to put their partner on their life insurance and health insurance that they pay for, how does that effect you exactly? If they want the person they love the most in the world to be able to have a say in their medical care if God forbid something happens to them, what do you care? So say what you want but I am standing up against hate and close mindedness and saying that it's neither my job nor yours to tell someone the love and respect they have more another person is wrong!
I also don't understand the whole Muslim hate that has taken over our country. That isn't something my parents have ever pushed. I know what a group of men did on September 11th. I watched it like everyone else and yes they were Muslim. Yes they did what they did in the name of Islam. But most Muslims aren't like that. They are honest, hardworking people who want nothing more than to take care of their families. Yes the Koran does mention killing people but have you picked up a Bible? More people have been killed in the name Christianity than any other religion. During Reformation Christians killed Jews, Muslims, and anyone else who got in the way. When they came to the America's to settle the land over here they killed off entire indian tribes(men, women, and children) because they wouldn't convert(don't believe me pick up a history book). There are bad people in all religions. The man who carried out that brutal shooting in Sweden at that youth camp did so in the name of Christianity. Not all Muslims want to kill us and they aren't taking over the country. People are so bad about looking at the actions of few people and judging a whole group of people based on that. Contrary to popular belief this country wasn't founded out Christianity. It was founded on freedom of religion. It was founded on the belief that every person has a right to believe what they feel is right and the government shouldn't be able to force a religion on you. Islam is just another one of those religions that people can chose to follow. So I say leave them alone and let them practice their religion. Stop the hate! Hate doesn't get us anywhere! God didn't call us to hate! He didn't call us to attack people who didn't believe the way we do. He didn't call us to destroy these peoples Mosque's! He called us to LOVE! So stop the hate and just love people!
Well this is already very long so I will close it now! I hope you learned a little something about me and I will be back with more volcanoes very soon!
